A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
offered. I couldn't have enjoyed such a thing with my notions;
and it wouldn't have been fair, anyway, because as far back as
I could go, our tribe had always been short of the bar sinister.
I couldn't have felt really and satisfactorily fine and proud
and set-up over any title except one that should come from the nation
itself, the only legitimate source; and such an one I hoped to win;
and in the course of years of honest and honorable endeavor, I did
win it and did wear it with a high and clean pride. This title
fell casually from the lips of a blacksmith, one day, in a village,
was caught up as a happy thought and tossed from mouth to mouth
with a laugh and an affirmative vote; in ten days it had swept
the kingdom, and was become as familiar as the king's name. I was
never known by any other designation afterward, whether in the
nation's talk or in grave debate upon matters of state at the
council-board of the sovereign. This title, translated into modern
speech, would be THE BOSS. Elected by the nation. That suited me.
And it was a pretty high title. There were very few THE'S, and
I was one of them. If you spoke of the duke, or the earl, or
the bishop, how could anybody tell which one you meant? But if
you spoke of The King or The Queen or The Boss, it was different.
Well, I liked the king, and as king I respected him--respected
the office; at least respected it as much as I was capable of
respecting any unearned supremacy; but as MEN I looked down upon
him and his nobles--privately. And he and they liked me, and
respected my office; but as an animal, without birth or sham title,
they looked down upon me--and were not particularly private about it,
either. I didn't charge for my opinion about them, and they didn't
charge for their opinion about me: the account was square, the
books balanced, everybody was satisfied.
CHAPTER IX
THE TOURNAMENT
They were always having grand tournaments there at Camelot; and
very stirring and picturesque and ridiculous human bull-fights
they were, too, but just a little wearisome to the practical mind.
However, I was generally on hand--for two reasons: a man must
not hold himself aloof from the things which his friends and his
community have at heart if he would be liked--especially as
a statesman; and both as business man and statesman I wanted
to study the tournament and see if I couldn't invent an improvement
on it. That reminds me to remark, in passing, that the very first
official thing I did, in my administration--and it was on the very
first day of it, too--was to start a patent office; for I knew
that a country without a patent office and good patent laws was
just a crab, and couldn't travel any way but sideways or backways.
Things ran along, a tournament nearly every week; and now and then
the boys used to want me to take a hand--I mean Sir Launcelot and
the rest--but I said I would by and by; no hurry yet, and too much
government machinery to oil up and set to rights and start a-going.
We had one tournament which was continued from day to day during
more than a week, and as many as five hundred knights took part
in it, from first to last. They were weeks gathering. They came
on horseback from everywhere; from the very ends of the country,
and even from beyond the sea; and many brought ladies, and all
brought squires and troops of servants. It was a most gaudy and
gorgeous crowd, as to costumery, and very characteristic of the
country and the time, in the way of high animal spirits, innocent
indecencies of language, and happy-hearted indifference to morals.
It was fight or look on, all day and every day; and sing, gamble,
dance, carouse half the night every night. They had a most noble
good time. You never saw such people. Those banks of beautiful
ladies, shining in their barbaric splendors, would see a knight
sprawl from his horse in the lists with a lanceshaft the thickness
of your ankle clean through him and the blood spouting, and instead
of fainting they would clap their hands and crowd each other for a
better view; only sometimes one would dive into her handkerchief,
and look ostentatiously broken-hearted, and then you could lay
two to one that there was a scandal there somewhere and she was
afraid the public hadn't found it out.
The noise at night would have been annoying to me ordinarily, but
I didn't mind it in the present circumstances, because it kept me
from hearing the quacks detaching legs and arms from the day's
cripples. They ruined an uncommon good old cross-cut saw for me,
and broke the saw-buck, too, but I let it pass. And as for my
axe--well, I made up my mind that the next time I lent an axe
to a surgeon I would pick my century.
I not only watched this tournament from day to day, but detailed
an intelligent priest from my Department of Public Morals and
Agriculture, and ordered him to report it; for it was my purpose
by and by, when I should have gotten the people along far enough,
to start a newspaper. The first thing you want in a new country,
is a patent office; then work up your school system; and after that,
out with your paper. A newspaper has its faults, and plenty of them,
but no matter, it's hark from the tomb for a dead nation, and don't
you forget it. You can't resurrect a dead nation without it; there
isn't any way. So I wanted to sample things, and be finding out
what sort of reporter-material I might be able to rake together out
of the sixth century when I should come to need it.
Well, the priest did very well, considering. He got in all
the details, and that is a good thing in a local item: you see,
he had kept books for the undertaker-department of his church
when he was younger, and there, you know, the money's in the details;
the more details, the more swag: bearers, mutes, candles, prayers
--everything counts; and if the bereaved don't buy prayers enough
you mark up your candles with a forked pencil, and your bill
shows up all right. And he had a good knack at getting in the
complimentary thing here and there about a knight that was likely
to advertise--no, I mean a knight that had influence; and he also
had a neat gift of exaggeration, for in his time he had kept door
for a pious hermit who lived in a sty and worked miracles.
Of course this novice's report lacked whoop and crash and lurid
description, and therefore wanted the true ring; but its antique
wording was quaint and sweet and simple, and full of the fragrances
and flavors of the time, and these little merits made up in a measure
for its more important lacks. Here is an extract from it:
Then Sir Brian de les Isles and Grummore Grummorsum, knights of the
castle, encountered with Sir Aglovale and Sir Tor, and Sir Tor
smote down Sir Grummore Grummorsum to the earth. Then came Sir
Carados of the dolorous tower, and Sir Turquine, knights of the
castle, and there encountered with them Sir Percivale de Galis and
Sir Lamorak de Galis, that were two brethren, and there encountered
Sir Percivale with Sir Carados, and either brake their spears unto
their hands, and then Sir Turquine with Sir Lamorak, and either of
them smote down other, horse and all, to the earth, and either
parties rescued other and horsed them again. And Sir Arnold, and
Sir Gauter, knights of the castle, encountered with Sir Brandiles
and Sir Kay, and these four knights encountered mightily, and brake
their spears to their hands. Then came Sir Pertolope from the
castle, and there encountered with him Sir Lionel, and there Sir
Pertolope the green knight smote down Sir Lionel, brother to Sir
Launcelot. All this was marked by noble heralds, who bare him
best, and their names. Then Sir Bleobaris brake his spear upon Sir
Gareth, but of that stroke Sir Bleobaris fell to the earth. When
Sir Galihodin saw that, he bad Sir Gareth keep him, and Sir Gareth
smote him to the earth. Then Sir Galihud gat a spear to avenge his
brother, and in the same wise Sir Gareth served him, and Sir
Dinadan and his brother La Cote Male Taile, and Sir Sagramore le
Disirous, and Sir Dodinas le Savage; all these he bare down with
one spear. When King Aswisance of Ireland saw Sir Gareth fare so
he marvelled what he might be, that one time seemed green, and
another time, at his again coming, he seemed blue. And thus at
every course that he rode to and fro he changed his color, so that
there might neither king nor knight have ready cognizance of him.
Then Sir Agwisance the King of Ireland encountered with Sir Gareth,
and there Sir Gareth smote him from his horse, saddle and all. And
then came King Carados of Scotland, and Sir Gareth smote him down
horse and man. And in the same wise he served King Uriens of the
land of Gore. And then there came in Sir Bagdemagus, and Sir
Gareth smote him down horse and man to the earth. And Bagdemagus's
son Meliganus brake a spear upon Sir Gareth mightily and knightly.
And then Sir Galahault the noble prince cried on high, Knight with
the many colors, well hast thou justed; now make thee ready that I
may just with thee. Sir Gareth heard him, and he gat a great
spear, and so they encountered together, and there the prince brake
his spear; but Sir Gareth smote him upon the left side of the helm,
that he reeled here and there, and he had fallen down had not his
men recovered him. Truly, said King Arthur, that knight with the
many colors is a good knight. Wherefore the king called unto him
Sir Launcelot, and prayed him to encounter with that knight. Sir,
said Launcelot, I may as well find in my heart for to forbear him
at this time, for he hath had travail enough this day, and when a
good knight doth so well upon some day, it is no good knight's part
to let him of his worship, and, namely, when he seeth a knight hath
done so great labour; for peradventure, said Sir Launcelot, his
quarrel is here this day, and peradventure he is best beloved with
this lady of all that be here, for I see well he paineth himself
and enforceth him to do great deeds, and therefore, said Sir
Launcelot, as for me, this day he shall have the honour; though it
lay in my power to put him from it, I would not.
There was an unpleasant little episode that day, which for reasons
of state I struck out of my priest's report. You will have noticed
that Garry was doing some great fighting in the engagement. When
I say Garry I mean Sir Gareth. Garry was my private pet name
for him; it suggests that I had a deep affection for him, and that
was the case. But it was a private pet name only, and never spoken
aloud to any one, much less to him; being a noble, he would not
have endured a familiarity like that from me. Well, to proceed:
I sat in the private box set apart for me as the king's minister.
While Sir Dinadan was waiting for his turn to enter the lists,
he came in there and sat down and began to talk; for he was always
making up to me, because I was a stranger and he liked to have
a fresh market for his jokes, the most of them having reached that
stage of wear where the teller has to do the laughing himself while
the other person looks sick. I had always responded to his efforts
as well as I could, and felt a very deep and real kindness for him,
too, for the reason that if by malice of fate he knew the one
particular anecdote which I had heard oftenest and had most hated
and most loathed all my life, he had at least spared it me. It was
one which I had heard attributed to every humorous person who
had ever stood on American soil, from Columbus down to Artemus Ward.
It was about a humorous lecturer who flooded an ignorant audience