A journey to the world under-ground
Contradiction to Nature, since from the universal Voice and Consent
of Nations it was evident, that the Males alone were form’d for all
the arduous and important Affairs of Life. To this they reply’d, that
I confounded Custom with Nature, since the Weakness we impute to the
Female Sex is deriv’d solely from Education. This is clear, from the
Form of Government establish’d at _Cocklecu_, where in that Sex you
find all the Virtues, and large Endowments of Mind, which the masculine
Sex, in other Places, arrogate to themselves. For the _Cocklecuanian_
Women are grave, prudent, constant, and secret. The Men, on the
contrary, are light, empty, frothy Creatures. Hence, when any Thing
absurd is related, the common Saying is, _That’s a manly Trifle_.
Again, when any Thing is done rashly and unthinkingly, the Proverb is,
_We must make Allowances for manly Weakness_. Notwithstanding this,
I could not acquiesce in these Arguments, being thoroughly convinc’d
of the Impropriety and Deformity of this Custom. The Indignation I
conceiv’d against so much Female Pride and Insolence, gave Birth to an
unfortunate Design, which I put in Execution soon after my Travels, as
in its proper Place shall be related.
Among the sumptuous Edifices of this City, the most admirable was the
Royal Seraglio, the Residence of three hundred Youths of exquisite
Beauty. They were all maintain’d at the Expence of the Queen, and kept
for her private Pleasures. As I happen’d to hear, that my Person was
much commended, I was afraid of being clapp’d up in the Seraglio, and
hurry’d away with all imaginable Haste.
——_Pedibus metus addidit alas._
From this Place I proceeded to the _Philosophical_ Region, so styl’d
from the Inhabitants, who are continually bury’d in the profound
Speculations of Philosophy. I was all on Fire to see this Country,
which I fancy’d must be the Center of Sciences, and the true Seat of
the Muses. Instead of vulgar Fields and Meadows, I expected to find
one continued lovely Garden; and in this Imagination I hasten’d my
Pace, and counted the Hours and Minutes as they flew. However, the
Ways thro’ which I pass’d were very stony, with every now and then a
Ditch or Cavern, insomuch that sometimes I was forc’d to go thro’ a
Length of craggy Way, and sometimes thro’ miry Bogs, where for want of
Bridges, I was oblig’d to wade thro’, and drag my weary Limbs after
me, quite dirty’d to the Waist: Yet I fortify’d myself against these
Accidents, with all the consoling Arguments I could think of. While
for a full Hour I had been labouring under these Difficulties, I met
a Peasant, of whom I inquir’d how far I had to _Mascattia_, or the
_Philosophical_ Province. He reply’d, _I ought rather to ask him, how
much there was left of the Journey, since I was in the very Heart
of the Place_. Amaz’d at this Answer, _How is it possible_, said I,
_that a Land inhabited only by Philosophers should appear rather
like the Haunts of savage Beasts, than like a cultivated Country_? He
return’d, _That in a little Time Things would have a better Face, as
soon as ever the Natives could get Time to think upon such Trifles. At
this present, says he, we are all solely intent upon an extraordinary
Discovery, no less than that of a Passage to the Sun; that therefore
it was very excusable to leave the Soil to itself, it being impossible
to do two Things at once._ I presently understood the Drift of this
cunning Countryman’s Discourse; and pursuing my Journey, I at last
arriv’d at the Metropolitan City _Caska_. In and about the Gates,
instead of Guards and Centinels, I saw only a few tame Fowl, and upon
the Walls Heaps of Birds-Nests and Cobwebs. Philosophers and Swine
indifferently walk’d the Streets, nor was the one distinguish’d from
the other but by Shape, being otherwise perfectly alike in Dirt and
Nastiness. The Philosophers had all Cloaks of the same Form, but what
the Colour was, I could not discern for the Dust upon them. There was
one quite bury’d in Thought coming directly towards me; and meeting
him, _Pray, Sir_, says I, _what may be the Name of this City?_ At this
he paus’d, and for a Time continued as immoveable as if he had no
Life in him; at last, says he, turning his Eyes upwards, _’Tis almost
Noon_. An Answer so foreign to the Purpose, was a Demonstration of
great Absence of Mind, and convinc’d me, that it was better to study
sparingly, than to run mad with too much Learning. I proceeded directly
to the Center of the City, to see, if beside Philosophers, I could
have the good Luck to meet with a reasonable Creature. The _Forum_
of the City, which was very spacious, was adorn’d with Statues and
Columns. I was endeavouring to read the Inscription upon one of them,
and being thus employ’d, suddenly I felt my Back grow warm and moist.
Turning my Head, to see from whence this warm Shower proceeded, I saw
a Philosopher making Water against me. For being bury’d in profound
Thought, he had taken me for one of the Statues there, that are us’d
for Necessities of this Kind. Stung to the Soul with such an Affront,
especially as the Philosopher, instead of apologizing for the Mistake,
only laugh’d in my Face, I gave him a smart Box on the Ear. Enrag’d
at this, he fell upon me, seiz’d me by the Hair, and dragg’d me round
the _Forum_. But when I found there was no Prospect of appeasing his
Wrath, I endeavour’d to make Reprisals upon him with all my Might and
Vigour; and I believe, with Regard to our Blows, the Receipts and
Disbursements might be pretty equal on both Sides. At length, after a
long Contest, we both fell upon the Ground. At this Spectacle, a Croud
of Philosophers flock’d from all Parts, and with inexpressible Fury
fell upon me with their Fists and Sticks, and then once more dragg’d
me by the Hair all round the Market; insomuch that I was just upon the
Point of giving up the Ghost. At last, rather tir’d than satiated,
they left off beating me, and brought me to a spacious House, where
when I struggled against the Door with both my Feet, and vow’d I would
not enter, Messieurs the Philosophers threw a Rope round my Neck, and
tugging me in, like an Ox at a Slaughter-House, they fell’d me flat
upon the Floor. The House, and all Things in it, were in the utmost
Confusion, and not unlike the Disorder People are in at _Lady-Day_ or
_Michaelmas_, when they are moving House. I then humbly intreated these
wise Men to put an End to their Resentment, and suffer themselves to be
mov’d to Pity and Compassion, representing to them how little for the
Honour of Philosophy it was to abandon themselves to a blind Rage, and
give a Loose to those very Passions they are the forwardest to declaim
against. But I preach’d to the Winds. For that very Philosopher, who
had so plentifully water’d my Back, forthwith renew’d the Fight, and
redoubled his Blows upon me, like a Smith upon an Anvil, as if nothing
but my Death could stop his Fury. This plainly taught me, that no Anger
equals a philosophical Anger; and that they who can talk so well upon
the Beauty of Virtue, care to practise it as little as any.
——_Nec enim minor ira rebullit
Pectore in hoc, leviorve exurit flamma medullas._
At length there came in four Philosophers, the Form of whose Robes
spoke them of a singular Order. They presently appeas’d the Uproar,
and seem’d to commiserate my Fate; and after they had conferr’d apart,
they remov’d me to another House. Glad was I, that I had escap’d these
Barbarians, and at last fallen into honest Hands. They enquir’d the
Cause of all this Tumult, and I told them every Tittle. They smil’d at
so pleasant an Accident, telling me, that it was a common Thing for
the Philosophers to make Water against the Statues, and that probably
my Antagonist, wholly absorb’d in Meditation, had mistook me for a
Statue. They inform’d me likewise, that that Person was an Astronomer
of great Eminence, and that my other Persecutors were Professors of
Moral Philosophy. I could now hear all this with Pleasure, believing
myself intirely out of Danger. Yet one Thing alarm’d me mightily,
and that was the great Attention with which they survey’d my Form.
Besides, their reiterated Questions concerning my Manner of Life, my
Country, and the Cause of my Journey, together with the Whispers that
ensued, gave me a violent Jealousy. But, good God! what Horror invaded
my Soul, when they conducted me into an AnatomyChamber, where there
was a frightful Heap of Bones and Carcases upon the Floor, that gave
a Stench enough to poison me. I thought I was fallen into a Den of
Thieves and Murderers; but the anatomical Instruments which hung upon
the Walls took away that Fear, and convinc’d me, that my Host must be a
Physician, or a Surgeon. Half an Hour was I left alone in this Place,
when a Matron enters with my Dinner. She seem’d very humane, and eying
me attentively, she would every now and then fetch a deep Sigh. Upon
my enquiring the Cause of her Grief, she reply’d, that my impending
Fate drew those Sighs from her; _That I was indeed fallen into very
honest Hands, for my Husband_, continues she, _is Lord of this Island,
being publick Physician of the City, and Professor of Medicine; and the
others you saw are his Collegues: But astonish’d at the extraordinary
Make of your Body, they have determin’d to examine the inward Machinery
of it, and to make a Dissection of you, in order to add some new Light
to Anatomy_. This Account threw me into a most violent Palpitation, and
setting up a horrible Cry, _Oh! how! Madam, said I, can you call them
honest Men, who make no Scruple to rip up the Bowels of an innocent
Person?_ To which she answered, _I say again you are fallen into the
Hands of honest Men, who will do nothing with a bad Design, and have
resolv’d upon this Operation for the sole Illustration of the Science
of Anatomy_. _Alas!_ said I, _I had rather fall into the Hands of
Thieves and Murderers, from whom I might possibly make my Escape, than
be dissected by such very honest Gentlemen_; and immediately throwing
myself at her Feet, shedding at the same Time a Flood of Tears, I
implor’d her to intercede for my Life. She told me, her Intercession
would avail very little against the Resolution of the Faculty, which
was irrevocable; but however, that she would deliver me from Death
by some other Means. With these Words, she took me by the Hand, and
leading me thro’ a back Door, brought me as far as to the Gate of the
City. Being now ready to take my Leave of my Preserver, I endeavour’d
to express my Gratitude in the best Language I was Master of; but she
presently interrupted me, and telling me she would not leave me till
she saw me out of all Danger, she continued to accompany me. As we
walk’d together, we enter’d into various Conversations concerning the
State of the Country, and I heard her with the utmost Avidity. But at
length she made a Digression to a Circumstance not very agreeable to
my Ears, and I conjectur’d, that for her Services, she requir’d some
Things of me which were _morally impossible_. For she told me with
the greatest Concern, that in this Country the Fate of marry’d Ladies
was extremely hard, for that their philosophick Husbands, immers’d in
Learning, neglected conjugal Duties. _For my Part, I protest_, says
she, with an Oath, _we should all be very wretched, if now and then
a good-natur’d, compassionate Stranger did not administer Comfort to
us in our Misfortunes, and occasionally apply a Remedy to them_. I
pretended not to understand this Harangue, and mended my Pace. But this
Coldness serv’d only to enflame her. Whereupon,
_Consumptis precibus, violentam transit ad iram,
Intendensque manus, passis furibunda capillis_,
she reproach’d me with Ingratitude. I nevertheless continued my Pace,