A journey to the world under-ground
Affairs of the utmost Weight; nay even at Dinner, or at Supper, between
the Courses, he would often draw up a new Law. I enquir’d if such
Laws, conceiv’d in so short a Space of Time, were of any considerable
Duration. To this he only reply’d, that like other Laws they continued
in Force, till it pleas’d the Senate to abrogate or repeal them.
The Syndick, having convers’d with me about half an Hour, and with
full as great a Degree of Loquacity as our _European_ Barbers, turn’d
himself about to my Friend, and told him, he would take me into the
Number of his Servants, though upon Account of my slow Intellects he
much doubted whether I could be good for any Thing. _I have myself_,
reply’d my Friend the Consul, _observ’d a natural Torpor or Dulness
in him, but give him Time for Reflexion, and you will find he has
no contemptible Judgment_. That signifies little here, return’d the
Syndick, since our Multiplicity of Business admits of no Delay. With
these Words he fell to examining my Limbs and my Body, and after having
survey’d them a short Time, he commanded me to lift up a certain
Weight from the Ground, which I did without much Trouble. Upon this
he told me, that though Nature had been unkind to me with respect to
my Intellects, yet that she had in a Manner compensated that Defect
by an extraordinary Strength of Body. I was then order’d to withdraw
to another Apartment, where the Domesticks and Attendants receiv’d
me with a good deal of Pleasure, though their excessive Impertinence
and Gestures were troublesome enough. So many Questions they ask’d me
concerning our World, I knew not how to answer them, and so gave them
what came uppermost, some Truth, some Falshood, just to allay their
impatient Curiosity.
At length my Friend returning, told me his Excellence did me the Honour
to retain me in his Court. From the foregoing Conversation of the
Syndick I could guess, that the Employment design’d for me was no very
important one, probably his Valet, or his Butler; and upon enquiring
what it was, my Friend said to me, His Excellence has been graciously
pleas’d to appoint you one of his Body Chairmen, with an annual Salary
of twenty-five _Stercolates_. (A _Martinian Stercolate_ is equal to
about seven Shillings and Six-pence _Sterling_.) He has moreover
engag’d, that you shall have the Honour of carrying only himself, or
his Lady. I was thunderstruck with this Answer, and remonstrated in
the most pathetic Manner how unworthy an Office this was for one of
my ingenuous Education and Family. But some Courtiers rushing in in
Heaps, interrupted me from speaking more, and half kill’d me with their
Impertinence. For all the _Martinians_ are light, frothy, talking
Creatures, that have a smooth, fluent Jargon of Words, without the
least Mixture of Seriousness or Gravity. At length I was conducted
to an Apartment, where Supper was ready; and having taken a moderate
Repast, I retir’d to my Repose.
I threw myself upon my Bed, but such was the Disorder of my Mind, I
could take no Sleep. The Disdain I was receiv’d with shock’d me to
the highest Degree, and nothing less than a _Spartan_ Patience could
digest so gross an Indignity. I heartily deplor’d my Fate, which
seem’d severer now than what I had experienc’d in the Planet _Nazar_,
and I could not help saying to myself, “What would here become of the
_Kadoki_, or High Chancellor of _Potu_, a Person of inestimable Worth
in his own Country, but who requir’d at least an intire Month to form
a new Law? What would be the Fate of _Palmka_ in this Place, where
the Senators make Laws between the Courses at Meals?” After a serious
Consideration, I found myself translated from a Land of Sages to a
Country of Fools. At last being tir’d with thinking, Sleep overpower’d
me. I know not how long I slept, since there is here no Difference
between Night and Day. For it is never dark except at one stated Time,
when the subterranean Sun is in an Eclipse by the Interposition of the
Planet _Nazar_. This Eclipse is very remarkable, because the aforesaid
Planet, being not far from the Firmament, overshadows the whole Sun,
and so always makes the Eclipse total. But as this happens but seldom,
it makes no Alteration of Season, which is here invariably the same
upon Account of the constant Presence of the Sun. Hence the Inhabitants
are forc’d to have Recourse to various Inventions, as Groves, Baths,
Walks, and Grotto’s, to qualify the Heat.
I was scarce awake, when a Monkey enter’d my Chamber, who told me he
was my Comrade in Office, and with a slight Cord (being order’d so to
do) he apply’d a fictitious Tail to my Posteriors, to make me look more
like a Monkey. He then bid me get ready, because the Syndick within
an Hour was to be carry’d to the Academy, to which Place he and his
Brother Senators had receiv’d a formal Invitation. It seems there was
to be a Promotion to a Doctor’s Degree at Ten o’Clock that Morning. It
must be noted here, that though the Days are not distinguish’d from the
Nights, by reason of the perpetual Presence of the Sun, yet are they
distinguish’d into Hours, half Hours, and Quarters, and that by Means
of Clocks or Hour-Glasses, so that Day and Night together take up about
twenty-two Hours. Hence, if all the Clocks in the City were to stop at
once, it would be impossible for the Citizens to recover the true Time,
till they had consulted some of the Clocks in the next Neighbourhood.
For there neither are, nor can be, any Sun-Dials, because there is
never any Shadow, the Sun continually darting perpendicular Rays upon
the Place. So that were you to dig a Well here, it would be illuminated
to the Bottom. As to the Year, that is regulated and governed by the
Course of the Planet _Nazar_ round the Sun.
At Ten o’Clock we took up his Excellence, and carry’d him to the
Academy. Entring into the Auditory, we beheld the Doctors and Masters
seated in Order, every one of which rose up as the Syndick pass’d by,
and turning themselves about paid him their Compliments with their
Tail. This is their Manner of doing Reverence. And this accounts for
their Care in adorning their Tails. For my own Part, I confess these
inverted Salutations seem’d extremely foolish and absurd. For to
turn one’s Back upon any one, is among us a Mark of Indifference or
Contempt: But every Nation has its particular Taste. The aforesaid
Doctors and Masters were seated on each Side of the Auditory. In the
lower Part of it was plac’d a Chair, in which sat the Candidate.
Before the Act of Promotion, the following Question was discuss’d in
a solemn Disputation, namely, _Whether the Sound, which Flies and
other Insects make, comes through the Mouth, or the Posteriors?_ The
President undertook the Defence of the former Opinion, which was
attack’d by the Opponents with so much Ardour, that I was afraid it
would have terminated in a bloody Battle. And most certainly they had
come to Blows, but that the Senate rose up, and cool’d the Flame by
their Authority. During the Dispute, a certain Monkey play’d upon a
Pipe: This was the Moderator, who by the Management of his Musick,
either in soft, or in smart Strains, would quicken the Dispute when it
flagg’d and languish’d, or bring it down when it was noisy and violent.
Tho’ very often all his Art had no Effect: So very hard a Matter it
is to preserve the Temper, when the Dispute is upon such interesting
Subjects. The same Thing often happens in our World, where, when the
Dispute turns upon some very dubious and almost inexplicable Point,
one may observe the Combatants are often work’d up to the most violent
Agitations of Mind or Body. However, this threatning Quarrel which
promis’d nothing but Blood and Slaughter, ended all in Compliments and
Praises. Something like this obtains in our _European_ Universities,
where, according to general Custom, the President, when the Dispute is
clos’d, descends victorious and triumphant from the Chair.
This Preamble ended, they proceeded to the Act of Creation with these
Ceremonies. The Candidate was plac’d in the Middle of the Auditory:
Three of the University-Beadles walk’d gravely up to him, and threw
a whole Pail-full of cold Water upon his Head; they then perfum’d
him with Incense, and lastly gave him a Vomit to take off. Having
perform’d this with the utmost Solemnity, they retir’d bowing, and
declar’d him aloud a true and legitimate Doctor. Amaz’d at so many
wonderful Ceremonies, I ask’d a certain learned Monkey who stood near
me, the Meaning of all this. He told me, (pitying at the same Time
my Ignorance) that by the Water, the Incense, and the Vomit, it was
understood that the Candidate was to forsake his old Vices, and to
assume a new Set of Manners, to distinguish him from the Vulgar.
Hearing this, I deplor’d my own Stupidity, and full of Admiration,
forbore to ask any farther Questions, for fear I should be thought to
have never convers’d with any Thing above Brutes.
At last all the musical Instruments struck up at once, and the new
Doctor, cloath’d in a Robe of Green, and girt with a Sash of the same
Colour, was escorted home from the Auditory with all _Parnassus_ at
his Heels. But as he was of a plebeian Family, he had not the Honour
of a Coach, but was seated in a Vehicle not unlike a Wheelbarrow,
and drawn by Hand, the University-Beadles marching before in their
respective Habits. The Whole ended in a very handsome Entertainment,
where the Guests drank so plentifully, that many of them were carried
home extremely intoxicated, and were so ill for many Days after, that
without the Help of proper Medicines they would hardly have recover’d.
So that from the Beginning to the Ending of this whole Ceremony,
nothing was wanting to the due Solemnity of it; and I protest, I never,
even in our World, saw a more truly academical Promotion, or any
Candidate commence Doctor more legitimately than this.
In the Courts of Justice, Causes are dispatch’d with a surprizing
Dexterity, and I was charm’d with that Readiness of Apprehension,
that Velocity of conceiving Things, so peculiar to this Nation. Very
often, before the Advocates have wound up their Pleadings, the Judges
rise and give Sentence with equal Expedition and Elegance. I often
frequented these Courts, to inform myself thoroughly of their Manner of
Proceeding. At first hearing, their Decrees seem’d just and equitable
enough; but upon a more careful Examination, they were in Reality
absurd, unjust, and full of Contradictions, insomuch that I would
sooner commit my Cause to the Chance of a Die, than to the Judgment of
the _Martinian_ Lawyers. I forbear to say any Thing concerning the Laws
of this People, by reason of the capricious Changes they perpetually
undergo. They are as fickle in these as in their Fashions. Many are
here punish’d for Crimes, which were not Crimes at the Time they were
committed, but commence such by Virtue of an After-Law to make them so.
For which Reason nothing is more common than Appeals from the inferior
to the superior Courts, the Plaintiff having Hopes, that, while the
Suit is depending, the old Law (which lost him his Cause in the lower
Court) may be repeal’d. This is owing to the Suddenness with which
their Laws are invented and promulged. Such Lovers of Novelty are this
People, that they perfectly nauseate the most useful Statutes, solely
upon Account of their Antiquity. The Advocates are in great Reputation
for their Shrewdness in Disputation. Nay, there are some among them,
who disdain to undertake a Cause that is not unjust, or at least
very doubtful; for in so doing they might be depriv’d of an Occasion
of exerting their Parts, and giving Specimens of their Ability to
turn Black into White. The Judges will often favour a bad Cause, in
Compliment to the Council for defending it so well. “We perceive well