A journey to the world under-ground
enough, say the Judges, the Injustice of this Cause, but then it has
been manag’d with such inimitable Art, that in Justice to the Advocate
for his Performance, we ought to strain a Point of Law.” The Students
in this Profession are taught Law at different Prices; for Instance,
Those who teach their Pupils to manage a bad Cause, or, according
to the Proverb, to make the best of a bad Market, require twenty
_Stercolates_ for their Trouble; the Art of managing a good one shall
cost but ten. Their Forms of Law are so many, they resemble a huge
_Chaos_, without Bottom and without Shore. For the _Martinians_, having
a sublime Genius and a quick Perception, detest every Thing that’s
plain and simple, and think nothing worth their Care that is not very
knotty and intricate.
The same Taste prevails in Religion, which does not consist in
Practice, but in idle Speculations. Thus there are two hundred and
thirty different Opinions about the Form or Figure of the Supream
Being, and three hundred and ninety-six about the Nature and Quality
of Souls. The _Martinians_ never resort to their Temples or Churches
with the View of hearing any Thing useful, or of improving themselves
in the Art of living and dying well, but only to observe with what Art
and Dexterity the holy Orators acquit themselves; for the more obscure
their Language is, the more they are admir’d, their Audience having
very little Relish for what they understand. More Pains are taken
about the Expression, than about the Matter, the Preachers affecting
the smooth, round Period more than the Strength of Reason, and the
Audience expecting to be amus’d with a sounding Pomp of Words without
a Meaning. For this Reason I did not dare say any Thing concerning the
Christian Religion, which consisting of naked, simple Truths, could
never recommend itself to their _Goût_.
Projectors are no where in so high Reputation as here. The more odd
and impracticable the Scheme, the greater is the Inventor’s Glory.
When I had accidentally been explaining to a certain Monkey the Nature
of our terraqueous Globe, and had inform’d him that the Surface of it
was inhabited, he presently conceiv’d a Project of digging through the
Earth, and opening a Passage to the _Superterraneans_. This Device met
with universal Applause, and a Society was thereupon instituted, and
call’d THE SUPERTERRANEAN COMPANY, to which the Inhabitants flock’d
in Shoals, and, according to the Language of those Times, bought in
_Stocks_. However, as this Affair introduced a great deal of Confusion
into the Kingdom, and ruin’d a Multitude of Families beyond Redemption,
they found the Folly of the Scheme, and dropt it all at once. And
though the Nation smarted so severely by it, yet the Projector not only
escap’d with Impunity, but with almost general Praise, this People
entertaining the highest Idea of his great Abilities.
Perceiving this Turn of Mind to prevail, I endeavour’d by the same
Means to procure myself a Reputation among the _Martinians_, and to
mend my Fortune by some new Project of my own. After a due Examination
of the State of the Publick, I discover’d several Flaws in it. I saw
the whole Country was full of the more subtle Sort of Artists, but
that it labour’d under a Want of useful Traders and Workmen. Upon this
I propos’d a Law for the Institution of certain Manufacturers, that
might be of great Service to the Nation. But every Proposal of this
Kind met with nothing but Sneers and Contempt from this vain People.
I then accus’d my own Stupidity in these Terms, _What a Sot have I
been? and how richly do I deserve to end my Days in the ignoble Office
of Chairman?_ Yet I did not altogether despond, and being convinc’d
I should never do them, nor myself, any Good by salutary Counsels, I
resolv’d to try whether I could not get over the Difficulty by some
ridiculous Invention or other. I open’d my Design to one of the gravest
Monkeys I knew, who encourag’d me to it mightily. And when he prov’d
to me, that Numbers there had made their Fortunes by mere Trifles
and boyish Gewgaws, and more especially by the Invention of some new
Fashion, I then resolv’d to swim with the Tide, and among Fools to play
the Fool myself. Upon this I call’d to Mind all the most ridiculous
and extravagant Inventions of _Europe_, and being at Liberty to pick
and chuse, I fix’d upon those Ornaments of the Head, which we call
_Perriwigs_, and determin’d with myself to introduce this Fashion.
What contributed to bear me out in this Attempt, was the great Number
of Goats in this Kingdom, whose Wool or Hair would be very proper
for my Purpose. And as my good Tutor (now at Rest) long exercis’d
the Occupation of a Perriwig-Maker, I was not altogether ignorant of
the Art. In short, I procur’d some Goat’s Hair, and made a Perriwig
fitted to my own Head, and thus adorn’d, I appear’d before the Syndick.
Startled at so new and unusual an Appearance, he ask’d me what it was,
and immediately snatching it from my Head, he put it upon his own,
and run to the Glass to survey himself. But how shall I express his
Wonder and Delight? He burst into an Ecstasy of Pleasure, crying, _O
ye Gods!_ and forthwith sent for his Lady to join with him in his Joy.
Her Wonder was equal to his, and embracing the Syndick, she vow’d
she never saw any Thing so charming, and every Soul in the Family was
of the same Opinion. The Syndick then turning towards me, _My dear_
Kakidoran, says he, _if this Invention of yours should take with the
Senate as it does with me, you may promise yourself every Thing_. I
thank’d his Excellence, and soon after put a Petition into his Hands,
address’d to the Senate, which I begg’d the Favour of him to offer. It
was conceiv’d in these Terms.
_Most Excellent, most Generous, most Illustrious,
most Noble, and most Wise Senators._
“The natural Propensity, by which I am influenc’d to promote the
publick Good, has now mov’d me to contrive this new and hitherto
unheard-of Ornament for the Head, which here I most humbly offer
to your Excellencies, and submit it to the Examination of this
august Tribunal, not doubting but it will meet with a most gracious
Reception, especially as the Invention must conduce to the Glory,
as well as Ornament of the Nation, and make the admiring World
confess, that the _Martinians_ excel the rest of Mortals, not only
in the Virtues and Endowments of the Mind, but in those Ornaments
of the Body which render the Person grand and majestick. I solemnly
vow to all your Excellencies, that in this I never consulted my
own Interest, and therefore I require no Reward: It is enough for
me in my slender Capacity to have promoted the publick Welfare,
and the Kingdom’s Honour. But if the most illustrious Senate are
pleas’d to decree me a suitable Reward for my Labours, I shall
receive it with a grateful Heart, that such their Munificence may
be known throughout the World, and others animated to the like, or
greater Inventions. In this View I cannot oppose the Liberality
of the Senate and People of _Martinia_. As to the rest, I commend
myself to the Favour of your Excellencies, and am,
_May it please your Excellencies_,
_Your most obedient_,
_And most humble Servant_,
+Kakidoran+.”
Martinia,
_7th Day of_ Astral.
The Syndick produc’d the Petition with the Perriwig in open Senate.
I heard that all Business was laid aside that Day, so much did the
Examination of the Perriwig engage the general Attention. Upon the
Close of all, they prais’d the Work, extoll’d the Artist, accepted of
his Good-will, and appointed him a Reward. In the whole Senate there
were but three who oppos’d this Motion; but they got no Credit by it,
and were look’d upon as rude, unpolish’d Creatures, totally unworthy of
the senatorial Function.
This Decree being pass’d, I was commanded to appear before the Senate,
where a senior Monkey rising up, thank’d me in the Name of the whole
Commonwealth, and assur’d me they would reward me in a Manner suitable
to my great Merit. He likewise ask’d me, how much Time it would require
to make such another Ornament? I reply’d, that as to the Reward, it
was sufficient Recompence to receive the Applauses of so venerable a
Body: As to the other Point, the making a second Perriwig, provided I
might have the Assistance of as many Monkeys as I could instruct in
the Art, I could undertake in one Month to furnish almost the whole
City. At these Words, the Syndick rose and said, _Heav’n forbid_,
Kakidoran, _that such an Ornament should be common to all the City,
and grow into Disesteem by frequent Use! No; let the Nobility be by
this distinguish’d from the Vulgar._ This Opinion was seconded by all
the Senate, and the publick Censors were order’d to take due Care
that this Decree should be inviolably observ’d, that the Nobility
receive no Dishonour by the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs, and that
so bright an Ornament should be reserv’d solely for their Use. But
this Edict had the same Effect that all sumptuary Laws have, and only
excited a stronger Desire in the Commons to transgress them. And
as this Invention had the Happiness to please every one, the richer
Citizens, by Friends or Money, procur’d Titles of Honour to qualify
them to wear Perriwigs, insomuch that in a short Time a very great
Part of the City was enobled. At length, when Petitions arriv’d from
the several Provinces, to be allow’d to come into this Fashion, the
Senate took the Matter under Consideration, and made a Repeal of the
Law, with a Permission for the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs; so that
I had the Pleasure to see the whole Nation _perriwig’d_, if I may use
the Expression, before I left _Martinia_. And a most delightful Sight
it was! Such general Satisfaction did this Contrivance give, that it
gave Birth to a new Epoch, or Date of Time, which was call’d in the
_Martinian_ Annals, THE YEAR OF PERRIWIGS.
To return to myself. Surrounded with Applauses, and cloath’d in a
Purple Robe, I was carried back in a Chair to the Syndick’s House,
and my Comrade Chairman now perform’d the Office of a Horse for me.
From that Hour I was admitted to the Syndick’s Table. After this lucky
Prelude of my Fortune, I pursued my Design, and by the joint Labours
of those I instructed, I in a short Time finish’d off Perriwigs enough
to accommodate the whole Senate; and about the End of the Month the
following Diploma of Nobility was brought me.
“Whereas a certain Person, by Name _Kakidoran_, Native of a
City call’d _Europe_, has by a glorious and useful Invention
highly oblig’d the whole _Martinian_ Nation: It is our Will and
Pleasure to associate him into the Body of our Nobility; and we do
accordingly decree, That he and his Heirs henceforth be reputed as
true and genuine Nobles, and enjoy all such Privileges, Rights and
Immunities, as are claim’d by the _Martinian_ Nobility. Moreover
we have decreed to honour him with a new Name, so that instead of
_Kakidoran_, he shall now be styl’d _Kikidorian_. And lastly, it is
our Will and Pleasure to settle an annual Stipend upon him of two
hundred Patari, to enable him to support his new Dignity.”
_Given at our Court of Senate
in_ Martinia, _the 4th Day
of_ Merian, _under our Great
Seal_, &c.
Thus from a poor Chairman was I transform’d to a Nobleman; and for some
Time I liv’d in the highest Repute, and with the utmost Felicity. And
as the _Martinians_ saw I was in high Favour with the Syndick, every
Creature made his Court to me. The Flattery of the Preferment-Hunters