A journey to the world under-ground
of a Law-Suit in a neighbouring Court of Justice, while I staid there,
my Curiosity prompted me to hear some of their musical Law-Proceedings.
The Council, instead of making a Speech, mov’d their Bows, and play’d
each of them a Kind of Tune. So long as the Pleadings lasted, I could
distinguish nothing but dissonant and jarring Sounds; for all the
Eloquence of the Bar consists in the Loudness of their Notes, and the
quick Motion of their Hands. After the Hearing was over, the Judge
rising slowly from the Bench, and taking up his Bow, gave the Court
an _Adagio_, which is the same Thing as pronouncing Sentence. For as
soon as he had made an End, the Executioners advanc’d directly to the
Criminal, to take away his Bow. The Boys in this Country resemble that
Kind of Instrument, which in our Parts of the World we call a _Kitt_.
They are never suffer’d to handle a Bow till they are three Years old.
Upon their Entrance into their fourth Year they are sent to School to
learn their Gamut, from Masters appointed for that Purpose, as Children
in _Europe_ are, to learn their Alphabet. They are kept under the
Discipline of the Ferula till they are able to play thoroughly in Tune,
and to give their Instruments a clear and distinct Expression. We were
very much molested by these Boys during our Stay there, as they were
perpetually teazing us with their scraping. Our Interpreter, who had
a very good Hand himself, and perfectly understood the Language, told
us, that the only Meaning of this Musick was to beg a little Rosin of
us. They begg’d in a whining Tone of the _Adagio_ Kind, but as soon
as ever they had got what they wanted, they run into the _Allegro_,
or Jig-Time, which was their Method of returning Thanks. However, a
Repulse would at any Time spoil all their Musick.
Having dispatch’d our Affairs to our Satisfaction, we left this Place
about the Month _Cusan_, and after a Voyage of a few Days came in Sight
of another Coast. Our Crew guess’d it to be _Pyglossia_, from the fœtid
Smell which came from thence. The Inhabitants of this Country are not
unlike human Creatures, except in one Particular, which is the Want of
Mouths. This lays them under a Necessity of speaking a _posteriori_,
if I may be allow’d the Phrase. The first Person who came aboard our
Ship was a wealthy Merchant. He very civilly saluted us from behind,
according to the Custom of the Country, and then began to talk with
us about the Price of our Goods. The Barber belonging to our Ship,
to my great Misfortune, was at that Time sick; for which Reason I
was oblig’d to make use of a _Pyglossian_ Barber. The People of this
Profession are more talkative, if possible, in this Country, than
they are in _Europe_; so that whilst he was shaving me, he left such
a horrid Stench behind him in the Cabin, that we were oblig’d to burn
great Quantities of Incense to sweeten it again after his Departure.
I was so accustom’d to see strange Things, and such as were contrary
to the usual Course of Nature, that nothing now appear’d surprizing
to me. As the Conversation of the _Pyglossians_ was disagreeable and
offensive, by reason of this natural Imperfection, we were willing
to get away from thence as soon as possible, and therefore weigh’d
Anchor before the Time we had appointed. We hasten’d our Departure
the more on Account of our being invited to Supper by one of the
principal Inhabitants. We all shrugg’d up our Shoulders at this
Invitation, and nobody would accept of it, but upon Condition that a
general Silence should be observ’d all Supper-Time. As we were going
out of the Harbour, the _Pyglossians_ crouded to the Shore to wish us
a good Voyage; but as the Wind blew directly from the Land, we made
all the Signs we could, by nodding our Heads, and waving our Hands,
to let them know we would excuse their Compliments. I could not help
reflecting, upon this Occasion, how very troublesome a Man may prove by
striving to be over-complaisant. The chief Trade of the _Martinians_
to this Country, consists in Rose-Water, and divers Kinds of Spices
and Perfumes. We steer’d our Course from hence to _Iceland_, a Country
the most horrid, desert, and inhospitable, that ever my Eyes beheld.
Hardly any Thing is to be seen, but Mountains continually cover’d over
with Snow. The Inhabitants, who are all made of Ice, are dispers’d
here and there amongst the Tops of the Hills, in Places where the Sun
never comes. For all between the Summits of the Mountains, to speak
poetically, is bound up in eternal Frost. On this Account likewise it
is perpetually dark here, or if there is any Light, it is only what
proceeds from the Glittering of the Hoar-Frost. But the Valleys which
lie between these Hills of Snow are (full as miraculously) scorch’d
with Heat, and burnt up by the fiery Vapours with which the Atmosphere
abounds. For this Reason the Inhabitants never dare venture down into
the Valleys, unless it be in hazy Weather, or when the Sky is overcast.
And as soon as ever they perceive the least Glimmering of the Sun’s
Rays, they either get back into the Mountains, or plunge directly into
some Cavern. It often happens, that whilst the Inhabitants are upon the
Road into these Valleys, they are either melted, or come to some other
Misfortune. The extraordinary Heat in these Places furnishes them with
a ready Means of punishing notorious Criminals. The Executioners take
the Opportunity of the first cloudy Day to carry such Criminals down
into the Plain, where they tie them to a Stake, and there leave them
expos’d to the burning Rays of the Sun, which soon dissolves and melts
them. The Country produces all Kinds of Minerals, except Gold. These
are bought up by foreign Merchants, in the crude State in which they
are digg’d out of the Earth. For the Natives being unable to bear the
Fire, know nothing of the Art of smelting or working up of Metals. ’Tis
thought that the _Iceland_ Trade is the most beneficial of any that is
carry’d on in these Parts.
All these Countries, which I have been hitherto describing, are
subject to the great Emperor of _Mezendoria_, properly so call’d; for
which Reason these, as well as others which have not been mention’d,
are by Travellers call’d by the general Name of the _Mezendores_, or
_Mezendorian_ Islands, tho’ they are distinguish’d from one another
by peculiar Names, as has been shewn in this Itinerary. That Empire,
which is no less spacious than it is extraordinary, was the End,
and as it were the Center of our Voyage. Eight Days after we left
_Iceland_, we arriv’d at the Imperial City. Whatever the Poets have
said about Societies of Animals, or Trees, we here found to be real.
For _Mezendoria_ is a Country which is actually possess’d in common by
Animals and Trees, who are alike endued with Reason. Any Kind of Animal
or Tree whatsoever is allow’d to enjoy the Privileges of this City,
provided he is obedient to the Laws, and to the establish’d Government.
One would be apt to think, that a Mixture of so many Creatures of
different Forms and opposite Natures should necessarily create Disorder
and Confusion. But by Virtue of prudent Laws and Constitutions, this
Contrariety is made to produce happy Effects. For by Means thereof, a
different Office or Employment, and such as is suited to his different
Genius, Temper, and Abilities, is prudently assign’d to each of these
miscellaneous Subjects. Lions, because of their innate Magnanimity, are
here made Generals of Armies; Elephants, by reason of their natural
Sagacity, and the Soundness of their Judgments, are appointed Members
of the Supreme Council of the Nation. All Offices at Court are fill’d
up by Cameleons, which Animals being by Nature subject to Change, can
the more readily accommodate themselves to Times and Circumstances.
The Land-Forces are made up of Bears and Tygers, and such warlike
Animals. Bulls and Oxen are admitted into the SeaService; for these
being simple and well-meaning Creatures, and at the same Time hardy
and obstinate, and not overburden’d with good Breeding, are therefore
esteem’d the properest Inhabitants for that boisterous Element. They
have likewise a Seminary of Calves, which are instructed in the Art
of Navigation, and train’d up for the Service of the Fleet; these
are call’d Sea-Calves, and are promoted by Degrees to the Dignity of
Captains and Admirals. Trees, by reason of their Uprightness, are
created Judges. Geese are Advocates in the Supreme Courts of Justice,
and Magpyes have the Management of Causes in the inferior Courts. Foxes
are made Plenipotentiaries, Envoys, Consuls, Agents and Secretaries
to Embassies. Rooks are generally appointed Administrators to the
Goods and Chattels of such as die intestate. Goats are Philosophers,
especially Grammarians, as well out of Regard to their Horns, with
which they are us’d to push their Adversaries upon the slightest
Provocation, as on Account of their venerable Beards, in which Respect,
they surpass all other Animals. Horses are Civil Magistrates; and
Vipers, Moles, and Dormice, Farmers and Husbandmen. Birds are employ’d
as Couriers and Post-Boys. Asses, on Account of the Loudness of their
Voices, are made Deacons; and Nightingales execute the Office of
Singing-Men and Choiristers. Cocks are the Watchmen in great Towns, and
Dogs are Porters at the Gates. Wolves are the superior Officers in the
Treasury and Custom-House, and Hawks and Vultures are their Deputies.
By Means of these excellent Institutions all publick Offices are
duly and faithfully executed, and every Thing transacted in the most
orderly Manner. This Empire, therefore, ought to be a Pattern for
all Legislators to copy after in the Establishment of new Forms of
Government. For that so many worthless Wretches get into Employments
is not owing to any Want of Persons of Abilities to fill them up, but
solely to an improper Choice. But if this Matter was taken Care of
as it ought to be, and wise and able Men promoted not on Account of
their general Merits, but of their Fitness to that particular Post,
we should see publick Offices far better manag’d than they now are,
and Governments in a more flourishing Condition. What a salutary
Institution this is which we have been speaking of, is evident from
the Example of this Empire. We find in the Annals of _Mezendoria_,
that about three hundred Years ago this Law was repeal’d by the
Emperor _Lilak_, and that publick Employments were conferr’d upon all
Sorts of People indifferently, provided they had Merit of any Kind,
or had signaliz’d themselves by any extraordinary Action. But this
promiscuous Distribution of Places of Trust occasion’d so many and
such great Disorders, that the Government seem’d upon the Point of
being overturn’d thereby. Thus, for Example, a Wolf having acquitted
himself with Reputation in the Management of the publick Revenues, lays
Claim, on that Account, to a superior Dignity, and becomes a Senator;
on the other Hand a Tree, having signaliz’d himself by the Integrity of
his Decisions, was rewarded by an Employment in the Treasury. By this
preposterous Promotion, two able Men at once were rendered absolutely
useless to the Publick. A Goat, or a Philosopher, who was extoll’d
to the Skies by the Scholasticks, for his Keenness and Obstinacy in
defending an Argument, desiring to advance himself, requested the
first Place that should happen to be vacant at Court, and obtain’d
it; whilst a Cameleon, noted for his Good-Breeding and his Compliance
with the Times, obtain’d by these Qualities a Professor’s Chair in the
University, which he sollicited for the Sake of the Salary. The Effect
of this was, that the former from an able Philosopher became an absurd
Courtier; and the latter from an excellent Courtier, was transform’d
into a most empty Philosopher. For that Perseverance in maintaining his