A journey to the world under-ground
Oftentimes a Person who is born humpback’d, crooked, or lame, shall be
ambitious of being thought handsome; and another sprung from the Dregs
of the People, shall be ambitious of a Coat of Arms, or a Title: Which
is full as absurd as if a Dwarf should affect to be call’d a Giant, or
an old Man, young.
It is a Custom in great Towns, for Friends and Acquaintance to visit
one another after Dinner, in order to drink a Kind of black Broth made
of burnt Beans. This Broth is commonly call’d Coffee. When they make
these Visits, they are shut up in a Box, which is fix’d upon four
Wheels, and drawn to the Place of Rendezvous by two Beasts of very
great Strength: For the _Europeans_ think it a Disgrace to use their
Legs.
Upon the first Day of the Year the _Europeans_ are seiz’d with a
Disease, which we have no Knowledge of amongst us. The Symptoms of it
are strange Commotions and Agitations of Mind, and an Inability to sit
still in any Place. They run about at such Times from one House to
another, as if they were distracted, without knowing why they do it.
The Disease sometimes lasts for fourteen Days. At length, when they are
quite fatigu’d and spent with continually running about, they come to
themselves again, and recover their former Health.
As the _Europeans_ have innumerable Diseases of Mind, so they have
innumerable Remedies. Some are seiz’d with a strange Passion of walking
in such a Manner, as that the left Sides of their Bodies may be turn’d
towards the right Sides of others. The farther North you go, the
stronger you find this Humour, which proves that it is all owing to the
Climate, and the Intemperature of the Air. This Disease is cur’d by
certain seal’d Papers, fill’d with Characters of a particular Kind. As
long as the Patient carries these Papers about him, by Way of Talisman
or Charm, he grows better and better by Degrees, till he is quite
recover’d.
Another raging Distemper they have, which is cur’d by the Sound of a
Bell, at the Noise of which the Mind immediately grows calm, and the
Disorder abates: Yet this Remedy is by no Means effectual, because in
two or three Hours Time the same raging Evil returns.
In _Italy_, _France_, and _Spain_, during the Winter Season, an
epidemick Madness prevails for several Weeks. They put a Stop to it
at length, by sprinkling the Foreheads of the Patients with Ashes, at
an appointed Time. But in the Northern Parts of _Europe_ these Ashes
have no Virtue, and the Inhabitants of the North recover by the Help of
Nature only.
Most of the _Europeans_ enter into a solemn Covenant with God, which
they call _the Communion_, three or four Times a Year, and break it
as soon as ever they have made it. So that they seem to make it for
no other Reason, but that they may shew that they are resolv’d not to
stand to their Agreement.
When they confess their Sins, and implore the Mercy of God, their Words
are generally set to Musick. Flutes, Trumpets, and Drums, are sometimes
added to the Concert, according to the Greatness of the Crime, for
which they are suing Pardon.
Almost all the _European_ Nations are obliged to confess their Belief
of a Doctrine contain’d in a certain sacred Book. But the reading this
Book is totally prohibited in the Southern Countries, so that People
there are laid under a Necessity of believing what it is criminal to
read or enquire into.
In the same Countries, Men are forbad to worship God in any, but an
unknown Tongue; so that such Prayers only are thought to be legitimate,
and agreeable to the divine Being, as are put up by Persons, who do not
understand a Word they say.
In the great Cities, such as arrive at Honours and profitable
Employments are all paralytick; for they are oblig’d to be carry’d
along the Streets, like weak and impotent People, on a Kind of Couch,
made in the Figure of a Chest or Box.
Most of the _Europeans_ shave their Heads, and to conceal their
Baldness, wear an artificial Covering made of other Peoples Hair.
The Controversies which are commonly discuss’d in the Schools in
_Europe_, are about Things, the Knowledge of which neither concerns
Mankind, nor is within the Reach of their Comprehension. But the most
learned Subjects of all, which the _Europeans_ comment upon, are the
Rings, Robes, Slippers, Shoes, and Buskins of certain antiquated
People, who liv’d many Centuries ago. As to the Sciences, as well
sacred as profane, the Generality do not judge for themselves, but
subscribe implicitly to the Opinion of others. Whatever Sect they
happen to fall into, they stick to it with all imaginable Firmness. As
to what they say of pinning their Faith upon the Sleeve of others who
are wiser than themselves, I should approve of it, were the Vulgar and
Illiterate proper Judges of this Matter; for to be able to distinguish
who is this wise Man that may be rely’d upon, requires the greatest
Wisdom.
In the Southern Countries, a Sort of little Cakes or Wafers are carry’d
about the Streets, which the Priests say are Gods: But what is most
surprizing, the very Bakers themselves, who shew you the Flour of which
they were made, will take their Oaths upon it, that the World was
created by these Wafers.
The _English_ are very fond of Liberty, and are subject to nobody
but their Wives. As to their Religion, it is hard to say what it is,
for they take up an Opinion one Day, and throw it aside the next. I
imputed this fickle Disposition to the Situation of the Country. For
the _English_ live upon an Island, and being a maritime People, partake
much of the Nature of the inconstant Element that surrounds them.
The _English_ are very sollicitous about the Health of every one they
meet, so that a Man would take them all to be Physicians. But that
common Question, _How do you do?_ I found to be only an empty Form of
Speech, and a Sound without any Sense or Meaning in it. Many of these
Islanders take so much Pains to improve their Minds, and polish their
Understandings, that at length they intirely lose them.
Towards the North, there is a Republick consisting of seven Provinces.
These go by the Name of the _United Provinces_, tho’ there is but
little Sign of Concord or Unity amongst them. The People here boast
of their Power, as if the whole Authority of the Republick was lodg’d
in their Hands; and yet the Populace are no where more excluded from
publick Employments, and the supreme Power is vested in a very few
Families. The Inhabitants of these Provinces are deeply attentive upon
heaping up Riches, which they make no Use of; so that while their
Purses are full, their Bellies are empty. They seem to live upon Smoke
only, which they suck in thro’ a Tube or Pipe, which is made of Clay.
It must be allow’d, however, for the Honour of this Nation, that they
are the neatest of all People, for they take great Care to wash every
Thing except their Hands.
In the Cities and great Towns in _Europe_, a Watch is kept in the
Street by Night. The Watchmen go their Rounds every Hour, and wake
People out of their Sleep, by wishing them a good Night.
Every Country has its peculiar Laws, and its peculiar Customs likewise,
which are ofttimes diametrically opposite to those Laws. For Example: A
Wife, according to the Laws, ought to be subject to her Husband; but
according to Custom, she has a Right to govern him.
Those who live most luxuriously, and consume the greatest Quantity of
the Products of the Earth, are held in most Esteem in _Europe_; and
only Husbandmen, and such as supply Materials for the Luxury of the
Great, are treated with Contempt.
The great Number of Gibbets, Gallows’s, and Places of Execution, which
are every where to be seen, shew the _Europeans_ to be People of very
bad Dispositions, and subject to many Kinds of Vices. There is a
publick Executioner in every City. The _English_ are an Exception to
this Rule, amongst whom, I believe, there are no Executioners; for the
People in that Country hang themselves.
One would suspect the _Europeans_ to be _Anthropophagi_, or Men-Eaters;
for it is a Custom amongst them to shut up a great Number of
able-body’d Men in Cloisters, which they call Monasteries, for no other
End, but that they may grow sleek and fat: And whilst they are kept
in these Cells, they are utterly exempted from all Labour, and have
nothing to do but to eat and drink.
The _Europeans_ have a Custom of drinking Water every Morning, to
moderate the Heat of their Stomachs; but before they are well grown
cool by this Means, they go to work to warm them again, by swallowing
down Draughts of fiery Liquors, which they call Drams.
The Religion of the _Europeans_ is divided into two principal Sects,
one of which are call’d Protestants, and the other Papists. The former
worship one God only; but the latter adore several, for they have as
many Gods and Goddesses, as there are Towns and Villages. All these
Gods and Goddesses are made by the _Roman_ Pontiff, or High-Priest.
This Pontiff himself is made by Presbyters, commonly call’d Cardinals.
Hence it appears how great the Power of these Cardinals must be, since
they can make him who makes the Gods.
The ancient Inhabitants of _Italy_ conquer’d the whole World, and were
only subject to their Wives: But the modern ones tyrannize over their
Wives, and are Slaves to all Mankind besides.
The Animals in _Europe_ are divided into terrestrial and aquatick.
There are some amphibious ones likewise, as Frogs, Dolphins, and
_Dutchmen_. The last dwell in a marshy Soil, and live upon Land or
Water indifferently.
The _Europeans_ use much the same Food that we do; But a _Spaniard_
will live upon Air.
Trade flourishes much in every Part of _Europe_, and many Commodities
are sold there in which we never traffick: Thus, for Example, the
_Romish_ Church sells Heaven; the _Swiss_ sell themselves; and in ***
Crowns, Scepters, and the Royal Authority itself are set to Sale.
In _Spain_, Laziness is the Token of a Gentleman, and nothing is a
greater Recommendation of Nobility than sleeping much. Those are call’d
good Men and true Believers, who believe what they do not understand,
and never think it worth their while to examine what they hear. Some
have even been reckon’d Saints merely for their Slothfulness, their
Want of Curiosity, and their neglecting to enquire into religious
Matters. But those who are sollicitous about their own Salvation, and
happen, through a diligent and accurate Enquiry, to dissent from any
reigning Opinion, are said to be damn’d to all Eternity.
It is a prevailing Opinion in _Europe_, that future Happiness or
Misery does not depend upon good Works, or the Exercise of Virtue and
Religion, but upon the Place of a Man’s Nativity. For all agree, that
if they had been born in another Place, or of other Parents, they
should have been of a different Religion. Hence they in Reality condemn
People not so much on Account of their Religion, as the Place, or other
Circumstances of their Birth. But how this Opinion is reconcileable
with the divine Justice or Goodness, I cannot comprehend.
Amongst the Men of Letters, those are most esteem’d, whose Business it
is to invert the natural Order of Words, and render that obscure and
perplex’d, which before was plain and easy. These are call’d Poets,
and this Art of disjointing Words goes by the Name of Poetry. But
Poetry does not consist in this Perversity of Stile only; because to
deserve that Name, a Composition must likewise be extremely full of
Lies. An ancient Poet, _Homer_ by Name, is held in high Esteem, and
almost Adoration, because he excell’d in both these Arts. Many have
imitated him, but nobody ever yet came up to him, either in confounding
the Order of Words, or perverting the Truth.
The _Literati_ of _Europe_ are very fond of buying Books, but in this