A journey to the world under-ground
Institutions. Yet they had Feasts in Honour of the Dead, and also
Funeral Orations, which simply contain’d an Exhortation to a virtuous
Life, and which plac’d before their Eyes an Image of Mortality. At this
the Censors were present, to observe whether the Orators rais’d or
depress’d the Character of the Deceas’d beyond Justice. And hence the
subterranean Orators were extremely sparing of their Encomiums, since
to give immoderate Praises was punishable by Law. Not long after, when
I was going to one of these Funeral Orations, I ask’d my Host what
was the State and Condition of the departed Hero? He reply’d, he was
an Husbandman who dy’d suddenly upon the Road to this City. Hereupon,
in my Turn, I burst into an excessive Laughter, retorting thus their
own Weapons upon them. And pray, says I, why have not Bulls and Oxen,
those Companions of Husbandmen, the Honour of a Funeral Oration? They
can equally supply Matter, for they equally perform the same Office.
But my Host desir’d me to spare my Jests; for that in these Dominions
Husbandmen were held in the highest Esteem, on account of the great
Excellence of the Duties they were employ’d in; and that no Way of
Life was more honourable than that of Agriculture. Thus every honest
and industrious Farmer was regarded by the Citizens as their Feeder
and Foster-Father. And hence arose the Custom, that when the Farmers
about Autumn, or in the Month of _Palm-Trees_, repair to the City with
a Multitude of Carriages loaden with Corn, the Magistrates meet them
without the Gates, and introduce them into the City with Trumpets and
other Instruments in Concert, after the Manner of a Triumph. At this
strange Account I was struck dumb, especially recollecting the hard
Fate of our Husbandmen, groaning under the deepest Slavery, and whose
Employments are look’d upon as low and illiberal, in Comparison of
those which are Pandars to our Pleasures; such as Cooks, Poulterers,
Perfumers, and such like. And this I fairly own’d to my Host, at
the same Time enjoining him Silence, fearing lest the Subterraneans
should pass very unfavourable Judgments upon Mankind. Having promised
Secrecy, he carry’d me to the Hall where the Funeral Oration was to
be made. I own I never heard any Thing executed more solidly, with
greater Veracity, or with so little an Appearance of Flattery as
this; and I judg’d it a proper Pattern, to which all Funeral Orations
should conform. The Orator first gave us a View of the Virtues of
the Deceas’d, and then enumerated his Vices and Failings, with an
Admonition to his Audience to avoid ’em.
As we return’d from the Hall, we met an Offender in Custody of three
Keepers. The same by Decree in Court had lately undergone _the
Punishment of the Arm_ (so they call the letting Blood) and was now
going to be consign’d over to the publick Hospital or _Bedlam_. Upon
Enquiry into the Reason of such Sentence, I was inform’d, that the
Criminal had disputed publickly about the Qualities and Essence of the
Supreme Being, a Thing here prohibited, where all these over curious
Disquisitions are thought to be such exquisite Folly and Rashness,
that a Creature of a sound Understanding could not well fall into it.
Therefore these subtle Disputants, after the _Venæ-section_, were,
like Madmen, condemned to Confinement, till they got out of this
Delirium. Ah! thought I to myself, what would become of our Divines,
whom we every Day hear wrangling about the Quality and Attributes of
the Deity, about the Nature of spiritual Beings, and other Mysteries of
that Kind? What also would become of our Metaphysicians, who by their
transcendental Jargon, affect a Degree of Wisdom far above the Vulgar,
and even above Human Nature itself? Certainly, instead of Hoods, Caps,
and other Academical Honours, which in _our_ World are so liberally
granted them, they would in _this_ be shew’d the Way to the publick
Hospital.
All this, and other Things full as paradoxical, I remark’d during
the Time of my Probation in the Seminary. At length the appointed
Time arriv’d, when, by Order of the Prince, I was to be conducted to
Court with a Testimonial. I flatter’d myself, that I should have the
most honourable Encomiums and Approbations, depending partly upon
my own Accomplishments, since I had learn’d the subterranean Tongue
sooner than could be expected, and partly upon the Interest of my
Host, together with the renown’d Integrity of my Judges. At last my
Testimonial was deliver’d me, which I open’d with the utmost Transport,
impatient of reading my own Praises, and of concluding from thence what
my Destiny was to be. But the Perusal of it threw me into Fits of Rage
and Despair. The Tenor of it was this:
“In Obedience to the Commands of your Serene Highness, the Animal
lately arriv’d from another World, and calling himself _a Man_, we
herewith send, most carefully instructed in our Seminary. Upon
the nicest Inquiry into his Genius and Manners, we have found him
to be of competent Docility, and extremely quick of Apprehension,
but of so weak and uneven a Judgment, that he hardly merits to be
consider’d as a rational Creature, much less to be admitted to any
important Office in the Government. But since he excels every one
in Swiftness of Foot, we are humbly of Opinion that he is extremely
qualify’d for the Post of _King’s Messenger_. Given at our Seminary
of _Keba_, in the Month of _Brambles_, by your Serene Highness’s
most humble Servants,
_Nehec, Jochtan, Rapasi, Chilac._”
Upon this I went to my Host in a Torrent of Tears, and humbly
implor’d that he would interpose his Authority to procure a milder
Testimonial from the _Karatti_, and that he would shew them my
University-Testimonial, in which I was complimented with Epithets of
_Ingenious_ and _Honourable_. He reply’d, that that Testimonial might
have its Weight in our World, where they regarded perhaps the Shadow
more than the Substance, the outward Bark more than the inward Texture;
but that it would be of no Value with them, where they penetrate into
the inmost Nature of Things: And exhorted me moreover to bear my Fate
as temperately as I could, especially as the Testimonial could be
neither revok’d or alter’d; for that there was no greater Crime than to
ascribe undeserved Virtues to any one. But what Comfort it was in the
Power of Words to give, he gave.
—_Verba facit, quibus hunc lenire dolorem
Possit, & ingentem morbi partem removere.
Ne cures hæc, quæ stulte miraris & optas.
Quos non præcipitat subjecta potentia magnæ
Invidiæ? mergit longa atq; insignis honorum
Pagina; namq; homini, nimios qui captat honores,
Et nimias venatur opes, numerosa parantur
Excelsæ turris tabulata, unde altior illi
Casus, & impulsæ præceps immane ruinæ._
As to the Testimonial of the _Karatti_, he added, that they were the
most incorrupt and upright Judges, who could be brib’d by no Presents,
nor aw’d by no Threats, to recede a Hair’s Breadth from Truth; and
that therefore there was no Room for Suspicion in this Case. He also
candidly acknowledged, that the Poverty of my Judgment was a Thing not
unobserv’d by himself, and that he inferr’d from the Readiness of my
Memory, and the Quickness of my Apprehension, that I was not that Sort
of _Wood out of which_ Mercury _was to be made_, and that I could not
possibly meet with Preferment upon account of that remarkable Defect in
my Judgment: That he had gather’d, from my Discourses and Description
of _Europe_, that I was
_Stultorum in patria, pravoq; sub aere natum._
And with these and a great many more Professions of Friendship, he
desir’d me without Delay to prepare for my Journey. I follow’d the
Advice of this most sagacious Person, especially as Necessity requir’d
it, and as it would have been Rashness to have oppos’d the Order of the
Prince.
We now began our Journey in Company with some other young Trees,
which were dismiss’d from the Seminary at the same Time, and sent to
Court for the same End. Our Leader was one of the _Karatti_, who,
upon account of his Age and a Weakness in his Feet, was carry’d by
an Ox; for it is an unusual Thing here to have Vehicles, these being
indulg’d only to the Decrepit and Diseas’d; tho’ the Inhabitants of
this Planet are really more excusable for it than those of our World,
by reason of the Slowness of their Gait. I remember, when I gave a
Description of our Vehicles, that is, our Coaches with Horses, into
which we were stuff’d like so much Lumber, and drawn thro’ the City,
the Subterraneans smil’d at my Account, especially when they heard that
no Neighbour envy’d another, unless he kept his Coach and was drawn
in it through the Streets by a Pair of mettlesome four-footed Beasts.
What with the Slowness of the Motion of these rational Trees, we were
three Days upon this Journey, tho’ _Keba_ is hardly four Miles distant
from the Capital. Had I been alone, a Day would have been sufficient.
’Twas a Pleasure indeed that I excell’d these Subterraneans in that
Advantage of Foot, but it griev’d me to the Soul that for that very
Excellence I was condemn’d to a vile ignominious Office. Would to God!
said I, that I labour’d under the same Infirmity with them, since by
this Defect alone I might have escap’d the low and ignoble Drudgery I
was destin’d to. Our Leader, over-hearing me, reply’d thus, If Nature
had not made you Amends for the Defects of your Mind by some one
Excellence of Body, all would behold you as an unprofitable Load upon
the Earth; for that very Quickness of Parts permits you only to see the
Surface of Things, and not the Substance; and since you have but two
Branches, you are inferior to the Subterraneans in every Thing that
depends upon the Hands. Hearing this, I thank’d God who had given me
this Swiftness of Feet, since without this Virtue I had no Chance to be
reckon’d in the Number of rational Creatures.
During our Journey, I was surpriz’d to see all around me the Natives
so intent upon their Labours, that at the Approach of Passengers
nobody left off Work, or even threw their Eyes round, tho’ something
extraordinary should even pass along. But at the Close of Day, their
Toils all ended, then they indulg’d in every Amusement of the Mind,
the chief Magistrate conniving and tolerating these Diversions, as
Reliefs and Strengtheners of the Body and Mind, and something full as
necessary as Meat and Drink. This and other Things made the Journey
highly grateful. The whole Country is perfectly beautiful. Imagine it
a spacious Amphitheatre, and such an one as Nature alone could make.
Where Nature was less profuse, all was supply’d by the Industry of
the Inhabitants, who were animated to these rural Toils, and to the
cultivating and improving their Land, by Rewards from the Magistrate;
and whoever suffer’d his Grounds to run to Ruin, afterwards wrought for
Hire. We pass’d by many fair Villages, which from the Multitude of them
look’d like one continued City, and exhibited the same Appearance all
along. Yet we were something infested by the Monkeys from the Woods,
which rambling up and down, and from an Affinity in my Shape, imagining
I was of their Race, were continually teazing me with their Approaches
and Touches. I could scarce suppress my Rage, when I perceiv’d that
this was a perfect Comedy to some of the Trees; for I was conducted to
Court (by express Order of his Majesty) in the same Dress, in which I
alighted upon the Planet, namely, with my Harpoon in my right Hand,
that his Majesty might behold what the Dress of our World was, and
particularly what was my own Appearance upon my Arrival. And very
opportunely it was that I had my Harpoon in my Hand, that I might chace
away those Swarms of Monkeys that gather’d apace at last round me;