"And That's How It Was, Officer"

I then introduced Bag Ears to my new bride. "This is Joy. I am certainly a lucky man, Bag Ears. Isn't she the most beautiful thing you ever saw?" Bag Ears was of course impressed. "Golly, what gams!" he breathed. His eyes traveled upward and he said, "Golly, what--what things and stuff." He came finally to her face. "Baby, you got it!" Joy was rocked back on her heels. Caught unawares by the open admiration in his eyes, she whispered, "Oh, my ancient step-ins!" But she rallied like a thoroughbred and gave Bag Ears a dazzling smile. "I'm delighted, Mr. Mulligan. Homer's friends are my friends--I think--and I'm sure everything will turn out all right." Bag Ears said, "Lady--leave us not be formal. Just call me Bag Ears." "Of course--Bag Ears--leave us be chummy." He now turned his remarks to me and evinced even more intense admiration for my bride. "She reminds me of a fast lightweight--the most beautiful sight in the world." "Let us repair to the conservatory," I said, "where we can have a quiet chat." I said this because I felt that some of the other guests might not be as tactful as Joy and might make Bag Ears feel uncomfortable. Aunt Gretchen had rudely vanished without waiting for an introduction and the actions of the hostess often set the pattern for those of the guests. As we moved toward the rear of the house, Joy took my arm and said, "Speaking of being stripped down for action--what do you suppose happened to Uncle Peter? I haven't seen him around anywhere." "He gave his word, so I'm sure he'll come." "That's what I'm afraid of." "I don't understand." "I don't quite understand myself, but I feel uneasy. I remember the calculating look in his eye when he suddenly agreed to honor us with his presence. There was something too eager about that look. And his asking whether any of your friends would be here." "Uncle Peter is basically a good follow. I think he envies me my wide contacts." "Maybe." "If he seemed a trifle peculiar, you must remember that he is a scientist. Even now he is engaged in some important project--some experiment--" "I know--we met her." "Joy! Please!" "--but I wouldn't think he'd have to experiment at his age. I'd think--" I put my hand firmly over her mouth. "Darling--we have a guest--Bag Ears--" "Oh, of course." Safely hidden behind a bank of tropical grass, I took Joy in my arms and kissed her. Bag Ears obligingly looked in the other direction. But Joy didn't quite get her heart into it. She seemed preoccupied--I might almost say, bewildered. "Bag Ears," she whispered to no one in particular, "and what did you say the lady's name was? Oh--I remember--Red Nose Tessie." She pondered for a moment and then smiled up at me dreamily. "Darling--I never realized what a versatile person you are--" Bag Ears perked up. "Verseetile? You ain't just a hootin', babe. And _tough_. You should see his right." I strove to quiet him down. "Never mind, Bag Ears--" But Joy evinced great interest. "Tell me--" "Babe--the kid could be the next heavyweight champ in a breeze. I mind me one night a monkey comes into the tavern rodded--" Joy held up a hand. "Just a moment. I don't like to appear stupid, but--" "A moke wid a heater--a goon wid a gat." "Oh--you mean a man with a gun." "Sure--that's what I said. Anyhow, this droolie makes a crack about Tessie's beak--" "An insult relative to her nose?" "Sure--sure. And Tessie's hot to kiss him wid a bottle when he pulls the iron." "Imagine that," Joy said, and I felt a slight shiver go through her body. "Then Homer here, gets off his stool and says very polite-like, 'That remark, sir, was in bad taste and entirely uncalled-for. I believe an apology is in order.' And the monkey standing there with the gat in his mitt. What Homer meant was the jerk'd cracked out o' turn and to eat his words fast." "I gathered that was what he meant." "But the screwball raises the hardware and--wham--Homer hits him. What a sock! The goon back-pedals across the room and into a cardboard wall next to the door marked 'ladies'. He busts right through the wall and lands in a frail's lap inside who's--" "Powdering her nose?" "That's right! What a sock!" * * * * * Joy's eyes were upon mine. "Darling! I didn't have the least idea. Why, it's going to be wonderful! Never a dull moment!" I kissed my bride, after which she said, "I think I could do with a drink, sweetheart." "Your wish is my command." I got up and started toward the liquor supply inside the house. Joy's soft call stopped me. "What is it, angel?" I inquired. "Not just a drink, sweet. Bring the bottle." I went into the kitchen and got a bottle of brandy. But upon returning, I discovered I'd neglected to bring glasses. But Joy took the bottle from me in a rather dazed manner, knocked off the neck against a leg of the bench and tipped the bottle to her beautiful lips. She took a pull of brandy large enough to ward off the worst case of pneumonia and then passed the bottle to Bag Ears. "Drink hearty, pal," she murmured, and sort of sank down into herself. I never got my turn at the bottle because, just at that moment, Aunt Gretchen came sailing like a pink cloud along the conservatory walk. She was no longer the old familiar Aunt Gretchen. Her eyes were glazed and her face was drawn and weary. Bag Ears looked up politely and asked, "Who's the fat sack?" I was hoping Aunt Gretchen hadn't heard the question because she would fail to understand that while his words were uncouth, he had a heart of gold and meant well. And I don't think she _did_ hear him. She didn't even hear Joy, who replied, "That's the dame that owns the joint." Aunt Gretchen fixed her accusing eyes upon me to the exclusion of everyone else. Her button of a chin quivered. "Please understand, Homer--I'm not criticizing. Things have gotten past that stage. I've merely come to report that the house is filling up with an astounding assortment of characters. Johnson resigned a half-hour ago. But before he left, he suggested a man who could handle the situation far better than he himself. A man named Frank Buck." "But, my dear aunt," I protested. "There must be some mistake. I did not invite any unusual people to this reception. I issued only three invitations. I invited Willie Shank, who could not come because of a dispute with the police over the ownership of a car he was driving yesterday; John Smith, who could not come because this is the day he reports to the parole board, and my good friend Bag Ears Mulligan." "How did you happen to overlook Red Nose Tessie?" Joy asked. "The poor woman is emotional. She does not enjoy wedding receptions. She weeps." "So does Aunt Gretchen," Joy observed. Aunt Gretchen was indeed weeping--quietly, under the blanket of reserve with which the Nicholases cover their emotions. I was about to comfort her when she turned and fled. I started to run after her but decided against it and returned to Joy. "Perhaps," I said, "we had better investigate this strange turn of events. Possibly our reception has been crashed by some undesirable persons." "Impossible," Joy replied. "But it might be fun to look them over. Shall we have a quick one first--just to stiffen the old spine a bit?" It sounded like a good suggestion so we stiffened our spines with what was left in the bottle, and quitted the conservatory. * * * * * Back in the house, one thing became swiftly apparent. We had guests who were utter strangers to me. But it was Bag Ears who summed up the situation with the briefest possible statement. "Jees!" he ejaculated. "It's a crooks' convention!" "You can identify some of these intruders?" "If you mean do I know 'em, the answer is without a doubt, pal. Somehow, the whole Cement Mixer Zinsky mob has infiltered into the joint." "Cement Mixer Zinsky," Joy murmured. "Another of those odd names." "It's on account of he invented something. Zinsky was the first gee to think up a very novel way of getting rid of people that crowd you. He got the idea to mix up a tub of cement--place the unwanted character's feet in same and then throw the whole thing into the lake. Result--no more crowding by that guy." "He was the first one who thought of it? A sort of trail blazer." "Of course Cement Mixer is a big shot now and his boys take care of things like that. But sometimes he goes along to mix the cement--just to keep his hand in you might say." "A sentimentalist no doubt." "No doubt," Bag Ears agreed. I patted Joy's hand and said, "Don't be alarmed, darling. I will take care of everything." The situation was definitely obnoxious to me. Tolerance of one's fellow men is one thing, but this was something entirely different. These people had come uninvited to our festive board and were of the criminal element, pure and unadulterated by any instincts of honesty or decency. And it made me angry to see them wading into Aunt Gretchen's liquor supply as though the stuff came out of a pump. They were easy to count, these hoodlums, segregated as they were. The more respectable of the guests who had not already left, were clustered together in one corner of the living room, possibly as a gesture toward self-protection. None of these elite were making any effort to approach the buffet or the portable bar at the other side of the room. And in thus refraining, they showed a superior brand of intelligence. Under present circumstances any attempt to reach the refreshments would have been as dangerous as crossing the Hialeah race track on crutches. In fact, as I surveyed the scene, one brave lady made a half-hearted attempt to cross over and spear a sandwich off the corner of the buffet. She was promptly shoved out of range by a lean, hungry-looking customer in a pink shirt, who snarled, "Scram, Three Chins! You're overfed now." Unhooking Joy's dear fingers from my arm, I said, "You will pardon me, but it is time for action. Bag Ears will see that you are not harmed." I started toward the buffet, or rather toward the crowd of male and female hoodlums who completely blocked it from my sight. But Bag Ears snatched me by the sleeve and whispered, "For cri-yi, Homer! Don't be a fool! This mob is loaded wid hardware. They don't horse around none. Start slugging and they'll dress you in red polka dots. Better call in some law." I shook my head firmly and pulled Bag Ears' hand from my sleeve. But, his attention now turned in another direction, he held on even harder and muttered, "Jeeps! I'm seeing things!" I glanced around and saw him staring wide-eyed at the entrance hall, his battered mouth ajar. I followed his eyes but could see nothing unusual. Only the hall itself, through an arched doorway, and the lower section of the staircase that gave access to the second floor of the house. It appeared to be the least-troubled spot in view. I frowned at Bag Ears. "Maybe I've gone nuts," he said, "but I'll swear I just saw a face peeking down around them stairs." "Whose face?" "Hands McCaffery's face! That's whose!" "And who is Hands McCaffery?" Bag Ears looked at me with stark unbelief. "You mean you don't know? Maybe your mom didn't give you the facts of life! Chum, they's two really tough monkeys in this town. One of them is Cement Mixer Zinsky and the other is Hands McCaffery. At the moment they're slugging it out to see which one gets to levy a head tax on the juke boxes in this section. It's a sweet take and neither boy will be satisfied with less than all. Seeing them both in one place is like seeing Truman and that music critic sit down at the piano together. And I know damn well that