Autobiography of a Yogi
“Poor boy, the mountains couldn’t give what you wanted.” Master
spoke caressively, comfortingly. His calm gaze was unfathomable.
“Your heart’s desire shall be fulfilled.”
Sri Yukteswar seldom indulged in riddles; I was bewildered. He
struck gently on my chest above the heart.
My body became immovably rooted; breath was drawn out of my lungs
as if by some huge magnet. Soul and mind instantly lost their
physical bondage, and streamed out like a fluid piercing light
from my every pore. The flesh was as though dead, yet in my intense
awareness I knew that never before had I been fully alive. My sense
of identity was no longer narrowly confined to a body, but embraced
the circumambient atoms. People on distant streets seemed to be
moving gently over my own remote periphery. The roots of plants and
trees appeared through a dim transparency of the soil; I discerned
the inward flow of their sap.
The whole vicinity lay bare before me. My ordinary frontal
vision was now changed to a vast spherical sight, simultaneously
all-perceptive. Through the back of my head I saw men strolling far
down Rai Ghat Road, and noticed also a white cow who was leisurely
approaching. When she reached the space in front of the open ashram
gate, I observed her with my two physical eyes. As she passed by,
behind the brick wall, I saw her clearly still.
All objects within my panoramic gaze trembled and vibrated like
quick motion pictures. My body, Master’s, the pillared courtyard,
the furniture and floor, the trees and sunshine, occasionally became
violently agitated, until all melted into a luminescent sea; even
as sugar crystals, thrown into a glass of water, dissolve after
being shaken. The unifying light alternated with materializations
of form, the metamorphoses revealing the law of cause and effect
in creation.
An oceanic joy broke upon calm endless shores of my soul. The Spirit
of God, I realized, is exhaustless Bliss; His body is countless
tissues of light. A swelling glory within me began to envelop towns,
continents, the earth, solar and stellar systems, tenuous nebulae,
and floating universes. The entire cosmos, gently luminous, like
a city seen afar at night, glimmered within the infinitude of
my being. The sharply etched global outlines faded somewhat at the
farthest edges; there I could see a mellow radiance, ever-undiminished.
It was indescribably subtle; the planetary pictures were formed of
a grosser light.
The divine dispersion of rays poured from an Eternal Source, blazing
into galaxies, transfigured with ineffable auras. Again and again
I saw the creative beams condense into constellations, then resolve
into sheets of transparent flame. By rhythmic reversion, sextillion
worlds passed into diaphanous luster; fire became firmament.
I cognized the center of the empyrean as a point of intuitive
perception in my heart. Irradiating splendor issued from my nucleus
to every part of the universal structure. Blissful AMRITA, the
nectar of immortality, pulsed through me with a quicksilverlike
fluidity. The creative voice of God I heard resounding as AUM,
{FN14-1} the vibration of the Cosmic Motor.
Suddenly the breath returned to my lungs. With a disappointment
almost unbearable, I realized that my infinite immensity was lost.
Once more I was limited to the humiliating cage of a body, not
easily accommodative to the Spirit. Like a prodigal child, I had
run away from my macrocosmic home and imprisoned myself in a narrow
microcosm.
My guru was standing motionless before me; I started to drop at his
holy feet in gratitude for the experience in cosmic consciousness
which I had long passionately sought. He held me upright, and spoke
calmly, unpretentiously.
“You must not get overdrunk with ecstasy. Much work yet remains
for you in the world. Come; let us sweep the balcony floor; then
we shall walk by the Ganges.”
I fetched a broom; Master, I knew, was teaching me the secret of
balanced living. The soul must stretch over the cosmogonic abysses,
while the body performs its daily duties. When we set out later
for a stroll, I was still entranced in unspeakable rapture. I saw
our bodies as two astral pictures, moving over a road by the river
whose essence was sheer light.
“It is the Spirit of God that actively sustains every form and
force in the universe; yet He is transcendental and aloof in the
blissful uncreated void beyond the worlds of vibratory phenomena,”
{FN14-2} Master explained. “Saints who realize their divinity even
while in the flesh know a similar twofold existence. Conscientiously
engaging in earthly work, they yet remain immersed in an inward
beatitude. The Lord has created all men from the limitless joy
of His being. Though they are painfully cramped by the body, God
nevertheless expects that souls made in His image shall ultimately
rise above all sense identifications and reunite with Him.”
The cosmic vision left many permanent lessons. By daily stilling
my thoughts, I could win release from the delusive conviction that
my body was a mass of flesh and bones, traversing the hard soil of
matter. The breath and the restless mind, I saw, were like storms
which lashed the ocean of light into waves of material forms-earth,
sky, human beings, animals, birds, trees. No perception of the
Infinite as One Light could be had except by calming those storms.
As often as I silenced the two natural tumults, I beheld the
multitudinous waves of creation melt into one lucent sea, even as
the waves of the ocean, their tempests subsiding, serenely dissolve
into unity.
A master bestows the divine experience of cosmic consciousness when
his disciple, by meditation, has strengthened his mind to a degree
where the vast vistas would not overwhelm him. The experience
can never be given through one’s mere intellectual willingness or
open-mindedness. Only adequate enlargement by yoga practice and
devotional BHAKTI can prepare the mind to absorb the liberating
shock of omnipresence. It comes with a natural inevitability to
the sincere devotee. His intense craving begins to pull at God with
an irresistible force. The Lord, as the Cosmic Vision, is drawn by
the seeker’s magnetic ardor into his range of consciousness.
I wrote, in my later years, the following poem, “Samadhi,” endeavoring
to convey the glory of its cosmic state:
Vanished the veils of light and shade,
Lifted every vapor of sorrow,
Sailed away all dawns of fleeting joy,
Gone the dim sensory mirage.
Love, hate, health, disease, life, death,
Perished these false shadows on the screen of duality.
Waves of laughter, scyllas of sarcasm, melancholic whirlpools,
Melting in the vast sea of bliss.
The storm of MAYA stilled
By magic wand of intuition deep.
The universe, forgotten dream, subconsciously lurks,
Ready to invade my newly-wakened memory divine.
I live without the cosmic shadow,
But it is not, bereft of me;
As the sea exists without the waves,
But they breathe not without the sea.
Dreams, wakings, states of deep TURIA sleep,
Present, past, future, no more for me,
But ever-present, all-flowing I, I, everywhere.
Planets, stars, stardust, earth,
Volcanic bursts of doomsday cataclysms,
Creation’s molding furnace,
Glaciers of silent x-rays, burning electron floods,
Thoughts of all men, past, present, to come,
Every blade of grass, myself, mankind,
Each particle of universal dust,
Anger, greed, good, bad, salvation, lust,
I swallowed, transmuted all
Into a vast ocean of blood of my own one Being!
Smoldering joy, oft-puffed by meditation
Blinding my tearful eyes,
Burst into immortal flames of bliss,
Consumed my tears, my frame, my all.
Thou art I, I am Thou,
Knowing, Knower, Known, as One!
Tranquilled, unbroken thrill, eternally living, ever-new peace!
Enjoyable beyond imagination of expectancy, SAMADHI bliss!
Not an unconscious state
Or mental chloroform without wilful return,
SAMADHI but extends my conscious realm
Beyond limits of the mortal frame
To farthest boundary of eternity
Where I, the Cosmic Sea,
Watch the little ego floating in Me.
The sparrow, each grain of sand, fall not without My sight.
All space floats like an iceberg in My mental sea.
Colossal Container, I, of all things made.
By deeper, longer, thirsty, guru-given meditation
Comes this celestial SAMADHI.
Mobile murmurs of atoms are heard,
The dark earth, mountains, vales, lo! molten liquid!
Flowing seas change into vapors of nebulae!
AUM blows upon vapors, opening wondrously their veils,
Oceans stand revealed, shining electrons,
Till, at last sound of the cosmic drum,
Vanish the grosser lights into eternal rays
Of all-pervading bliss.
From joy I came, for joy I live, in sacred joy I melt.
Ocean of mind, I drink all creation’s waves.
Four veils of solid, liquid, vapor, light,
Lift aright.
Myself, in everything, enters the Great Myself.
Gone forever, fitful, flickering shadows of mortal memory.
Spotless is my mental sky, below, ahead, and high above.
Eternity and I, one united ray.
A tiny bubble of laughter, I
Am become the Sea of Mirth Itself.
Sri Yukteswar taught me how to summon the blessed experience at will,
and also how to transmit it to others if their intuitive channels
were developed. For months I entered the ecstatic union, comprehending
why the UPANISHADS say God is RASA, “the most relishable.” One day,
however, I took a problem to Master.
“I want to know, sir-when shall I find God?”
“You have found Him.”
“O no, sir, I don’t think so!”
My guru was smiling. “I am sure you aren’t expecting a venerable
Personage, adorning a throne in some antiseptic corner of the
cosmos! I see, however, that you are imagining that the possession
of miraculous powers is knowledge of God. One might have the whole
universe, and find the Lord elusive still! Spiritual advancement
is not measured by one’s outward powers, but only by the depth of
his bliss in meditation.
“EVER-NEW JOY IS GOD. He is inexhaustible; as you continue your
meditations during the years, He will beguile you with an infinite
ingenuity. Devotees like yourself who have found the way to God never
dream of exchanging Him for any other happiness; He is seductive
beyond thought of competition.
“How quickly we weary of earthly pleasures! Desire for material
things is endless; man is never satisfied completely, and pursues
one goal after another. The ‘something else’ he seeks is the Lord,
who alone can grant lasting joy.
“Outward longings drive us from the Eden within; they offer false
pleasures which only impersonate soul-happiness. The lost paradise
is quickly regained through divine meditation. As God is unanticipatory
Ever-Newness, we never tire of Him. Can we be surfeited with bliss,
delightfully varied throughout eternity?”
“I understand now, sir, why saints call the Lord unfathomable. Even
everlasting life could not suffice to appraise Him.”
“That is true; but He is also near and dear. After the mind has been
cleared by KRIYA YOGA of sensory obstacles, meditation furnishes
a twofold proof of God. Ever-new joy is evidence of His existence,
convincing to our very atoms. Also, in meditation one finds His
instant guidance, His adequate response to every difficulty.”
“I see, Guruji; you have solved my problem.” I smiled gratefully.
“I do realize now that I have found God, for whenever the joy of
meditation has returned subconsciously during my active hours, I
have been subtly directed to adopt the right course in everything,
even details.”
“Human life is beset with sorrow until we know how to tune in with
the Divine Will, whose ‘right course’ is often baffling to the
egoistic intelligence. God bears the burden of the cosmos; He alone