Autobiography of a Yogi
childhood.
“Does she yet live?” I stopped for one last question to my uncle.
“Of course she is alive!” He was not slow to interpret the desperation
in my face. But I scarcely believed him.
When we reached our Calcutta home, it was only to confront the
stunning mystery of death. I collapsed into an almost lifeless
state. Years passed before any reconciliation entered my heart.
Storming the very gates of heaven, my cries at last summoned the
Divine Mother. Her words brought final healing to my suppurating
wounds:
“It is I who have watched over thee, life after life, in the
tenderness of many mothers! See in My gaze the two black eyes, the
lost beautiful eyes, thou seekest!”
Father and I returned to Bareilly soon after the crematory
rites for the well-beloved. Early every morning I made a pathetic
memorial—pilgrimage to a large SHEOLI tree which shaded the
smooth, green-gold lawn before our bungalow. In poetical moments,
I thought that the white SHEOLI flowers were strewing themselves
with a willing devotion over the grassy altar. Mingling tears with
the dew, I often observed a strange other-worldly light emerging
from the dawn. Intense pangs of longing for God assailed me. I felt
powerfully drawn to the Himalayas.
One of my cousins, fresh from a period of travel in the holy hills,
visited us in Bareilly. I listened eagerly to his tales about the
high mountain abode of yogis and swamis. {FN2-1}
“Let us run away to the Himalayas.” My suggestion one day to
Dwarka Prasad, the young son of our landlord in Bareilly, fell on
unsympathetic ears. He revealed my plan to my elder brother, who
had just arrived to see Father. Instead of laughing lightly over
this impractical scheme of a small boy, Ananta made it a definite
point to ridicule me.
“Where is your orange robe? You can’t be a swami without that!”
But I was inexplicably thrilled by his words. They brought a clear
picture of myself roaming about India as a monk. Perhaps they
awakened memories of a past life; in any case, I began to see with
what natural ease I would wear the garb of that anciently-founded
monastic order.
Chatting one morning with Dwarka, I felt a love for God descending
with avalanchic force. My companion was only partly attentive to
the ensuing eloquence, but I was wholeheartedly listening to myself.
I fled that afternoon toward Naini Tal in the Himalayan foothills.
Ananta gave determined chase; I was forced to return sadly to
Bareilly. The only pilgrimage permitted me was the customary one
at dawn to the SHEOLI tree. My heart wept for the lost Mothers,
human and divine.
The rent left in the family fabric by Mother’s death was irreparable.
Father never remarried during his nearly forty remaining years.
Assuming the difficult role of Father-Mother to his little flock,
he grew noticeably more tender, more approachable. With calmness
and insight, he solved the various family problems. After office
hours he retired like a hermit to the cell of his room, practicing
KRIYA YOGA in a sweet serenity. Long after Mother’s death, I attempted
to engage an English nurse to attend to details that would make my
parent’s life more comfortable. But Father shook his head.
“Service to me ended with your mother.” His eyes were remote with
a lifelong devotion. “I will not accept ministrations from any
other woman.”
Fourteen months after Mother’s passing, I learned that she had left
me a momentous message. Ananta was present at her deathbed and had
recorded her words. Although she had asked that the disclosure be
made to me in one year, my brother delayed. He was soon to leave
Bareilly for Calcutta, to marry the girl Mother had chosen for him.
{FN2-2} One evening he summoned me to his side.
“Mukunda, I have been reluctant to give you strange tidings.”
Ananta’s tone held a note of resignation. “My fear was to inflame
your desire to leave home. But in any case you are bristling with
divine ardor. When I captured you recently on your way to the
Himalayas, I came to a definite resolve. I must not further postpone
the fulfillment of my solemn promise.” My brother handed me a small
box, and delivered Mother’s message.
“Let these words be my final blessing, my beloved son Mukunda!”
Mother had said. “The hour is here when I must relate a number of
phenomenal events following your birth. I first knew your destined
path when you were but a babe in my arms. I carried you then to
the home of my guru in Benares. Almost hidden behind a throng of
disciples, I could barely see Lahiri Mahasaya as he sat in deep
meditation.
“While I patted you, I was praying that the great guru take
notice and bestow a blessing. As my silent devotional demand grew
in intensity, he opened his eyes and beckoned me to approach. The
others made a way for me; I bowed at the sacred feet. My master
seated you on his lap, placing his hand on your forehead by way of
spiritually baptizing you.
“‘Little mother, thy son will be a yogi. As a spiritual engine, he
will carry many souls to God’s kingdom.’
“My heart leaped with joy to find my secret prayer granted by the
omniscient guru. Shortly before your birth, he had told me you
would follow his path.
“Later, my son, your vision of the Great Light was known to me and
your sister Roma, as from the next room we observed you motionless
on the bed. Your little face was illuminated; your voice rang with
iron resolve as you spoke of going to the Himalayas in quest of
the Divine.
“In these ways, dear son, I came to know that your road lies far
from worldly ambitions. The most singular event in my life brought
further confirmation-an event which now impels my deathbed message.
“It was an interview with a sage in the Punjab. While our family
was living in Lahore, one morning the servant came precipitantly
into my room.
“‘Mistress, a strange SADHU {FN2-3} is here. He insists that he
“see the mother of Mukunda.”’
“These simple words struck a profound chord within me; I went at
once to greet the visitor. Bowing at his feet, I sensed that before
me was a true man of God.
“‘Mother,’ he said, ‘the great masters wish you to know that your
stay on earth will not be long. Your next illness shall prove to
be your last.’ {FN2-4} There was a silence, during which I felt no
alarm but only a vibration of great peace. Finally he addressed me
again:
“‘You are to be the custodian of a certain silver amulet. I will
not give it to you today; to demonstrate the truth in my words, the
talisman shall materialize in your hands tomorrow as you meditate.
On your deathbed, you must instruct your eldest son Ananta to keep
the amulet for one year and then to hand it over to your second
son. Mukunda will understand the meaning of the talisman from the
great ones. He should receive it about the time he is ready to
renounce all worldly hopes and start his vital search for God. When
he has retained the amulet for some years, and when it has served
its purpose, it shall vanish. Even if kept in the most secret spot,
it shall return whence it came.’
“I proffered alms {FN2-5} to the saint, and bowed before him
in great reverence. Not taking the offering, he departed with a
blessing. The next evening, as I sat with folded hands in meditation,
a silver amulet materialized between my palms, even as the SADHU
had promised. It made itself known by a cold, smooth touch. I
have jealously guarded it for more than two years, and now leave
it in Ananta’s keeping. Do not grieve for me, as I shall have been
ushered by my great guru into the arms of the Infinite. Farewell,
my child; the Cosmic Mother will protect you.”
A blaze of illumination came over me with possession of the amulet;
many dormant memories awakened. The talisman, round and anciently
quaint, was covered with Sanskrit characters. I understood that it
came from teachers of past lives, who were invisibly guiding my
steps. A further significance there was, indeed; but one does not
reveal fully the heart of an amulet.
How the talisman finally vanished amidst deeply unhappy circumstances
of my life; and how its loss was a herald of my gain of a guru,
cannot be told in this chapter.
But the small boy, thwarted in his attempts to reach the Himalayas,
daily traveled far on the wings of his amulet.
{FN2-1} Sanskrit root meaning of SWAMI is “he who is one with his
Self (SWA).” Applied to a member of the Indian order of monks, the
title has the formal respect of “the reverend.”
{FN2-2} The Indian custom, whereby parents choose the life-partner
for their child, has resisted the blunt assaults of time. The
percentage is high of happy Indian marriages.
{FN2-3} An anchorite; one who pursues a SADHANA or path of spiritual
discipline.
{FN2-4} When I discovered by these words that Mother had possessed
secret knowledge of a short life, I understood for the first time
why she had been insistent on hastening the plans for Ananta’s
marriage. Though she died before the wedding, her natural maternal
wish had been to witness the rites.
{FN2-5} A customary gesture of respect to SADHUS.
CHAPTER: 3
THE SAINT WITH TWO BODIES
“Father, if I promise to return home without coercion, may I take
a sight-seeing trip to Benares?”
My keen love of travel was seldom hindered by Father. He permitted
me, even as a mere boy, to visit many cities and pilgrimage spots.
Usually one or more of my friends accompanied me; we would travel
comfortably on first-class passes provided by Father. His position
as a railroad official was fully satisfactory to the nomads in the
family.
Father promised to give my request due consideration. The next
day he summoned me and held out a round-trip pass from Bareilly to
Benares, a number of rupee notes, and two letters.
“I have a business matter to propose to a Benares friend, Kedar
Nath Babu. Unfortunately I have lost his address. But I believe you
will be able to get this letter to him through our common friend,
Swami Pranabananda. The swami, my brother disciple, has attained
an exalted spiritual stature. You will benefit by his company; this
second note will serve as your introduction.”
Father’s eyes twinkled as he added, “Mind, no more flights from
home!”
I set forth with the zest of my twelve years (though time has
never dimmed my delight in new scenes and strange faces). Reaching
Benares, I proceeded immediately to the swami’s residence. The
front door was open; I made my way to a long, hall-like room on
the second floor. A rather stout man, wearing only a loincloth, was
seated in lotus posture on a slightly raised platform. His head and
unwrinkled face were clean-shaven; a beatific smile played about
his lips. To dispel my thought that I had intruded, he greeted me
as an old friend.
“BABA ANAND (bliss to my dear one).” His welcome was given heartily
in a childlike voice. I knelt and touched his feet.
“Are you Swami Pranabananda?”
He nodded. “Are you Bhagabati’s son?” His words were out before I
had had time to get Father’s letter from my pocket. In astonishment,
I handed him the note of introduction, which now seemed superfluous.
“Of course I will locate Kedar Nath Babu for you.” The saint again
surprised me by his clairvoyance. He glanced at the letter, and
made a few affectionate references to my parent.
“You know, I am enjoying two pensions. One is by the recommendation
of your father, for whom I once worked in the railroad office. The
other is by the recommendation of my Heavenly Father, for whom I
have conscientiously finished my earthly duties in life.”
I found this remark very obscure. “What kind of pension, sir, do
you receive from the Heavenly Father? Does He drop money in your
lap?”