Bleak House
the greater part of their long and arduous lives to pedestrian
exercises and the walking of matches. But Mr. Bagnet, unconscious of
these little defects, sets his heart on Mrs. Bagnet eating a most
severe quantity of the delicacies before her; and as that good old
girl would not cause him a moment’s disappointment on any day, least
of all on such a day, for any consideration, she imperils her
digestion fearfully. How young Woolwich cleans the drum-sticks
without being of ostrich descent, his anxious mother is at a loss to
understand.
The old girl has another trial to undergo after the conclusion of the
repast in sitting in state to see the room cleared, the hearth swept,
and the dinner-service washed up and polished in the backyard. The
great delight and energy with which the two young ladies apply
themselves to these duties, turning up their skirts in imitation of
their mother and skating in and out on little scaffolds of pattens,
inspire the highest hopes for the future, but some anxiety for the
present. The same causes lead to confusion of tongues, a clattering
of crockery, a rattling of tin mugs, a whisking of brooms, and an
expenditure of water, all in excess, while the saturation of the
young ladies themselves is almost too moving a spectacle for Mrs.
Bagnet to look upon with the calmness proper to her position. At last
the various cleansing processes are triumphantly completed; Quebec
and Malta appear in fresh attire, smiling and dry; pipes, tobacco,
and something to drink are placed upon the table; and the old girl
enjoys the first peace of mind she ever knows on the day of this
delightful entertainment.
When Mr. Bagnet takes his usual seat, the hands of the clock are very
near to half-past four; as they mark it accurately, Mr. Bagnet
announces, “George! Military time.”
It is George, and he has hearty congratulations for the old girl
(whom he kisses on the great occasion), and for the children, and for
Mr. Bagnet. “Happy returns to all!” says Mr. George.
“But, George, old man!” cries Mrs. Bagnet, looking at him curiously.
“What’s come to you?”
“Come to me?”
“Ah! You are so white, George—for you—and look so shocked. Now
don’t he, Lignum?”
“George,” says Mr. Bagnet, “tell the old girl. What’s the matter.”
“I didn’t know I looked white,” says the trooper, passing his hand
over his brow, “and I didn’t know I looked shocked, and I’m sorry I
do. But the truth is, that boy who was taken in at my place died
yesterday afternoon, and it has rather knocked me over.”
“Poor creetur!” says Mrs. Bagnet with a mother’s pity. “Is he gone?
Dear, dear!”
“I didn’t mean to say anything about it, for it’s not birthday talk,
but you have got it out of me, you see, before I sit down. I should
have roused up in a minute,” says the trooper, making himself speak
more gaily, “but you’re so quick, Mrs. Bagnet.”
“You’re right. The old girl,” says Mr. Bagnet. “Is as quick. As
powder.”
“And what’s more, she’s the subject of the day, and we’ll stick to
her,” cries Mr. George. “See here, I have brought a little brooch
along with me. It’s a poor thing, you know, but it’s a keepsake.
That’s all the good it is, Mrs. Bagnet.”
Mr. George produces his present, which is greeted with admiring
leapings and clappings by the young family, and with a species of
reverential admiration by Mr. Bagnet. “Old girl,” says Mr. Bagnet.
“Tell him my opinion of it.”
“Why, it’s a wonder, George!” Mrs. Bagnet exclaims. “It’s the
beautifullest thing that ever was seen!”
“Good!” says Mr. Bagnet. “My opinion.”
“It’s so pretty, George,” cries Mrs. Bagnet, turning it on all sides
and holding it out at arm’s length, “that it seems too choice for
me.”
“Bad!” says Mr. Bagnet. “Not my opinion.”
“But whatever it is, a hundred thousand thanks, old fellow,” says
Mrs. Bagnet, her eyes sparkling with pleasure and her hand stretched
out to him; “and though I have been a crossgrained soldier’s wife to
you sometimes, George, we are as strong friends, I am sure, in
reality, as ever can be. Now you shall fasten it on yourself, for
good luck, if you will, George.”
The children close up to see it done, and Mr. Bagnet looks over young
Woolwich’s head to see it done with an interest so maturely wooden,
yet pleasantly childish, that Mrs. Bagnet cannot help laughing in her
airy way and saying, “Oh, Lignum, Lignum, what a precious old chap
you are!” But the trooper fails to fasten the brooch. His hand
shakes, he is nervous, and it falls off. “Would any one believe
this?” says he, catching it as it drops and looking round. “I am so
out of sorts that I bungle at an easy job like this!”
Mrs. Bagnet concludes that for such a case there is no remedy like a
pipe, and fastening the brooch herself in a twinkling, causes the
trooper to be inducted into his usual snug place and the pipes to be
got into action. “If that don’t bring you round, George,” says she,
“just throw your eye across here at your present now and then, and
the two together MUST do it.”
“You ought to do it of yourself,” George answers; “I know that very
well, Mrs. Bagnet. I’ll tell you how, one way and another, the blues
have got to be too many for me. Here was this poor lad. ’Twas dull
work to see him dying as he did, and not be able to help him.”
“What do you mean, George? You did help him. You took him under your
roof.”
“I helped him so far, but that’s little. I mean, Mrs. Bagnet, there
he was, dying without ever having been taught much more than to know
his right hand from his left. And he was too far gone to be helped
out of that.”
“Ah, poor creetur!” says Mrs. Bagnet.
“Then,” says the trooper, not yet lighting his pipe, and passing his
heavy hand over his hair, “that brought up Gridley in a man’s mind.
His was a bad case too, in a different way. Then the two got mixed up
in a man’s mind with a flinty old rascal who had to do with both. And
to think of that rusty carbine, stock and barrel, standing up on end
in his corner, hard, indifferent, taking everything so evenly—it
made flesh and blood tingle, I do assure you.”
“My advice to you,” returns Mrs. Bagnet, “is to light your pipe and
tingle that way. It’s wholesomer and comfortabler, and better for the
health altogether.”
“You’re right,” says the trooper, “and I’ll do it.”
So he does it, though still with an indignant gravity that impresses
the young Bagnets, and even causes Mr. Bagnet to defer the ceremony
of drinking Mrs. Bagnet’s health, always given by himself on these
occasions in a speech of exemplary terseness. But the young ladies
having composed what Mr. Bagnet is in the habit of calling “the
mixtur,” and George’s pipe being now in a glow, Mr. Bagnet considers
it his duty to proceed to the toast of the evening. He addresses the
assembled company in the following terms.
“George. Woolwich. Quebec. Malta. This is her birthday. Take a day’s
march. And you won’t find such another. Here’s towards her!”
The toast having been drunk with enthusiasm, Mrs. Bagnet returns
thanks in a neat address of corresponding brevity. This model
composition is limited to the three words “And wishing yours!” which
the old girl follows up with a nod at everybody in succession and a
well-regulated swig of the mixture. This she again follows up, on the
present occasion, by the wholly unexpected exclamation, “Here’s a
man!”
Here IS a man, much to the astonishment of the little company,
looking in at the parlour-door. He is a sharp-eyed man—a quick keen
man—and he takes in everybody’s look at him, all at once,
individually and collectively, in a manner that stamps him a
remarkable man.
“George,” says the man, nodding, “how do you find yourself?”
“Why, it’s Bucket!” cries Mr. George.
“Yes,” says the man, coming in and closing the door. “I was going
down the street here when I happened to stop and look in at the
musical instruments in the shop-window—a friend of mine is in want
of a second-hand wiolinceller of a good tone—and I saw a party
enjoying themselves, and I thought it was you in the corner; I
thought I couldn’t be mistaken. How goes the world with you, George,
at the present moment? Pretty smooth? And with you, ma’am? And with
you, governor? And Lord,” says Mr. Bucket, opening his arms, “here’s
children too! You may do anything with me if you only show me
children. Give us a kiss, my pets. No occasion to inquire who YOUR
father and mother is. Never saw such a likeness in my life!”
Mr. Bucket, not unwelcome, has sat himself down next to Mr. George
and taken Quebec and Malta on his knees. “You pretty dears,” says Mr.
Bucket, “give us another kiss; it’s the only thing I’m greedy in.
Lord bless you, how healthy you look! And what may be the ages of
these two, ma’am? I should put ’em down at the figures of about eight
and ten.”
“You’re very near, sir,” says Mrs. Bagnet.
“I generally am near,” returns Mr. Bucket, “being so fond of
children. A friend of mine has had nineteen of ’em, ma’am, all by one
mother, and she’s still as fresh and rosy as the morning. Not so much
so as yourself, but, upon my soul, she comes near you! And what do
you call these, my darling?” pursues Mr. Bucket, pinching Malta’s
cheeks. “These are peaches, these are. Bless your heart! And what do
you think about father? Do you think father could recommend a
second-hand wiolinceller of a good tone for Mr. Bucket’s friend, my
dear? My name’s Bucket. Ain’t that a funny name?”
These blandishments have entirely won the family heart. Mrs. Bagnet
forgets the day to the extent of filling a pipe and a glass for Mr.
Bucket and waiting upon him hospitably. She would be glad to receive
so pleasant a character under any circumstances, but she tells him
that as a friend of George’s she is particularly glad to see him this
evening, for George has not been in his usual spirits.
“Not in his usual spirits?” exclaims Mr. Bucket. “Why, I never heard
of such a thing! What’s the matter, George? You don’t intend to tell
me you’ve been out of spirits. What should you be out of spirits for?
You haven’t got anything on your mind, you know.”
“Nothing particular,” returns the trooper.
“I should think not,” rejoins Mr. Bucket. “What could you have on
your mind, you know! And have these pets got anything on THEIR minds,
eh? Not they, but they’ll be upon the minds of some of the young
fellows, some of these days, and make ’em precious low-spirited. I
ain’t much of a prophet, but I can tell you that, ma’am.”
Mrs. Bagnet, quite charmed, hopes Mr. Bucket has a family of his own.
“There, ma’am!” says Mr. Bucket. “Would you believe it? No, I
haven’t. My wife and a lodger constitute my family. Mrs. Bucket is as
fond of children as myself and as wishful to have ’em, but no. So it
is. Worldly goods are divided unequally, and man must not repine.
What a very nice backyard, ma’am! Any way out of that yard, now?”
There is no way out of that yard.
“Ain’t there really?” says Mr. Bucket. “I should have thought there
might have been. Well, I don’t know as I ever saw a backyard that
took my fancy more. Would you allow me to look at it? Thank you. No,
I see there’s no way out. But what a very good-proportioned yard it
is!”
Having cast his sharp eye all about it, Mr. Bucket returns to his
chair next his friend Mr. George and pats Mr. George affectionately
on the shoulder.
“How are your spirits now, George?”
“All right now,” returns the trooper.
“That’s your sort!” says Mr. Bucket. “Why should you ever have been
otherwise? A man of your fine figure and constitution has no right to
be out of spirits. That ain’t a chest to be out of spirits, is it,
ma’am? And you haven’t got anything on your mind, you know, George;
what could you have on your mind!”
Somewhat harping on this phrase, considering the extent and variety