Bleak House
that same hour, the traces of the premature anxiety, self-reproach,
and disappointment it had occasioned him would have remained upon his
features to the hour of his death.
“The sight of our dear little woman,” said Richard, Ada still
remaining silent and quiet, “is so natural to me, and her
compassionate face is so like the face of old days—”
Ah! No, no. I smiled and shook my head.
“—So exactly like the face of old days,” said Richard in his cordial
voice, and taking my hand with the brotherly regard which nothing
ever changed, “that I can’t make pretences with her. I fluctuate a
little; that’s the truth. Sometimes I hope, my dear, and sometimes
I—don’t quite despair, but nearly. I get,” said Richard,
relinquishing my hand gently and walking across the room, “so tired!”
He took a few turns up and down and sunk upon the sofa. “I get,” he
repeated gloomily, “so tired. It is such weary, weary work!”
He was leaning on his arm saying these words in a meditative voice
and looking at the ground when my darling rose, put off her bonnet,
kneeled down beside him with her golden hair falling like sunlight on
his head, clasped her two arms round his neck, and turned her face to
me. Oh, what a loving and devoted face I saw!
“Esther, dear,” she said very quietly, “I am not going home again.”
A light shone in upon me all at once.
“Never any more. I am going to stay with my dear husband. We have
been married above two months. Go home without me, my own Esther; I
shall never go home any more!” With those words my darling drew his
head down on her breast and held it there. And if ever in my life I
saw a love that nothing but death could change, I saw it then before
me.
“Speak to Esther, my dearest,” said Richard, breaking the silence
presently. “Tell her how it was.”
I met her before she could come to me and folded her in my arms. We
neither of us spoke, but with her cheek against my own I wanted to
hear nothing. “My pet,” said I. “My love. My poor, poor girl!” I
pitied her so much. I was very fond of Richard, but the impulse that
I had upon me was to pity her so much.
“Esther, will you forgive me? Will my cousin John forgive me?”
“My dear,” said I, “to doubt it for a moment is to do him a great
wrong. And as to me!” Why, as to me, what had I to forgive!
I dried my sobbing darling’s eyes and sat beside her on the sofa, and
Richard sat on my other side; and while I was reminded of that so
different night when they had first taken me into their confidence
and had gone on in their own wild happy way, they told me between
them how it was.
“All I had was Richard’s,” Ada said; “and Richard would not take it,
Esther, and what could I do but be his wife when I loved him dearly!”
“And you were so fully and so kindly occupied, excellent Dame
Durden,” said Richard, “that how could we speak to you at such a
time! And besides, it was not a long-considered step. We went out one
morning and were married.”
“And when it was done, Esther,” said my darling, “I was always
thinking how to tell you and what to do for the best. And sometimes I
thought you ought to know it directly, and sometimes I thought you
ought not to know it and keep it from my cousin John; and I could not
tell what to do, and I fretted very much.”
How selfish I must have been not to have thought of this before! I
don’t know what I said now. I was so sorry, and yet I was so fond of
them and so glad that they were fond of me; I pitied them so much,
and yet I felt a kind of pride in their loving one another. I never
had experienced such painful and pleasurable emotion at one time, and
in my own heart I did not know which predominated. But I was not
there to darken their way; I did not do that.
When I was less foolish and more composed, my darling took her
wedding-ring from her bosom, and kissed it, and put it on. Then I
remembered last night and told Richard that ever since her marriage
she had worn it at night when there was no one to see. Then Ada
blushingly asked me how did I know that, my dear. Then I told Ada how
I had seen her hand concealed under her pillow and had little thought
why, my dear. Then they began telling me how it was all over again,
and I began to be sorry and glad again, and foolish again, and to
hide my plain old face as much as I could lest I should put them out
of heart.
Thus the time went on until it became necessary for me to think of
returning. When that time arrived it was the worst of all, for then
my darling completely broke down. She clung round my neck, calling me
by every dear name she could think of and saying what should she do
without me! Nor was Richard much better; and as for me, I should have
been the worst of the three if I had not severely said to myself,
“Now Esther, if you do, I’ll never speak to you again!”
“Why, I declare,” said I, “I never saw such a wife. I don’t think she
loves her husband at all. Here, Richard, take my child, for goodness’
sake.” But I held her tight all the while, and could have wept over
her I don’t know how long.
“I give this dear young couple notice,” said I, “that I am only going
away to come back to-morrow and that I shall be always coming
backwards and forwards until Symond’s Inn is tired of the sight of
me. So I shall not say good-bye, Richard. For what would be the use
of that, you know, when I am coming back so soon!”
I had given my darling to him now, and I meant to go; but I lingered
for one more look of the precious face which it seemed to rive my
heart to turn from.
So I said (in a merry bustling manner) that unless they gave me some
encouragement to come back, I was not sure that I could take that
liberty, upon which my dear girl looked up, faintly smiling through
her tears, and I folded her lovely face between my hands, and gave it
one last kiss, and laughed, and ran away.
And when I got downstairs, oh, how I cried! It almost seemed to me
that I had lost my Ada for ever. I was so lonely and so blank without
her, and it was so desolate to be going home with no hope of seeing
her there, that I could get no comfort for a little while as I walked
up and down in a dim corner sobbing and crying.
I came to myself by and by, after a little scolding, and took a coach
home. The poor boy whom I had found at St. Albans had reappeared a
short time before and was lying at the point of death; indeed, was
then dead, though I did not know it. My guardian had gone out to
inquire about him and did not return to dinner. Being quite alone, I
cried a little again, though on the whole I don’t think I behaved so
very, very ill.
It was only natural that I should not be quite accustomed to the loss
of my darling yet. Three or four hours were not a long time after
years. But my mind dwelt so much upon the uncongenial scene in which
I had left her, and I pictured it as such an overshadowed
stony-hearted one, and I so longed to be near her and taking some
sort of care of her, that I determined to go back in the evening only
to look up at her windows.
It was foolish, I dare say, but it did not then seem at all so to me,
and it does not seem quite so even now. I took Charley into my
confidence, and we went out at dusk. It was dark when we came to the
new strange home of my dear girl, and there was a light behind the
yellow blinds. We walked past cautiously three or four times, looking
up, and narrowly missed encountering Mr. Vholes, who came out of his
office while we were there and turned his head to look up too before
going home. The sight of his lank black figure and the lonesome air
of that nook in the dark were favourable to the state of my mind. I
thought of the youth and love and beauty of my dear girl, shut up in
such an ill-assorted refuge, almost as if it were a cruel place.
It was very solitary and very dull, and I did not doubt that I might
safely steal upstairs. I left Charley below and went up with a light
foot, not distressed by any glare from the feeble oil lanterns on the
way. I listened for a few moments, and in the musty rotting silence
of the house believed that I could hear the murmur of their young
voices. I put my lips to the hearse-like panel of the door as a kiss
for my dear and came quietly down again, thinking that one of these
days I would confess to the visit.
And it really did me good, for though nobody but Charley and I knew
anything about it, I somehow felt as if it had diminished the
separation between Ada and me and had brought us together again for
those moments. I went back, not quite accustomed yet to the change,
but all the better for that hovering about my darling.
My guardian had come home and was standing thoughtfully by the dark
window. When I went in, his face cleared and he came to his seat, but
he caught the light upon my face as I took mine.
“Little woman,” said he, “You have been crying.”
“Why, yes, guardian,” said I, “I am afraid I have been, a little. Ada
has been in such distress, and is so very sorry, guardian.”
I put my arm on the back of his chair, and I saw in his glance that
my words and my look at her empty place had prepared him.
“Is she married, my dear?”
I told him all about it and how her first entreaties had referred to
his forgiveness.
“She has no need of it,” said he. “Heaven bless her and her husband!”
But just as my first impulse had been to pity her, so was his. “Poor
girl, poor girl! Poor Rick! Poor Ada!”
Neither of us spoke after that, until he said with a sigh, “Well,
well, my dear! Bleak House is thinning fast.”
“But its mistress remains, guardian.” Though I was timid about saying
it, I ventured because of the sorrowful tone in which he had spoken.
“She will do all she can to make it happy,” said I.
“She will succeed, my love!”
The letter had made no difference between us except that the seat by
his side had come to be mine; it made none now. He turned his old
bright fatherly look upon me, laid his hand on my hand in his old
way, and said again, “She will succeed, my dear. Nevertheless, Bleak
House is thinning fast, O little woman!”
I was sorry presently that this was all we said about that. I was
rather disappointed. I feared I might not quite have been all I had
meant to be since the letter and the answer.
CHAPTER LII
Obstinacy
But one other day had intervened when, early in the morning as we
were going to breakfast, Mr. Woodcourt came in haste with the
astounding news that a terrible murder had been committed for which
Mr. George had been apprehended and was in custody. When he told us
that a large reward was offered by Sir Leicester Dedlock for the
murderer’s apprehension, I did not in my first consternation
understand why; but a few more words explained to me that the
murdered person was Sir Leicester’s lawyer, and immediately my
mother’s dread of him rushed into my remembrance.
This unforeseen and violent removal of one whom she had long watched
and distrusted and who had long watched and distrusted her, one for
whom she could have had few intervals of kindness, always dreading in
him a dangerous and secret enemy, appeared so awful that my first
thoughts were of her. How appalling to hear of such a death and be
able to feel no pity! How dreadful to remember, perhaps, that she had
sometimes even wished the old man away who was so swiftly hurried out
of life!
Such crowding reflections, increasing the distress and fear I always
felt when the name was mentioned, made me so agitated that I could
scarcely hold my place at the table. I was quite unable to follow the
conversation until I had had a little time to recover. But when I
came to myself and saw how shocked my guardian was and found that
they were earnestly speaking of the suspected man and recalling every
favourable impression we had formed of him out of the good we had