Bleak House
brought up warm in a napkin, and hot buttered toast. For Chadband is
rather a consuming vessel—the persecutors say a gorging vessel—and
can wield such weapons of the flesh as a knife and fork remarkably
well.
Mr. Snagsby in his best coat, looking at all the preparations when
they are completed and coughing his cough of deference behind his
hand, says to Mrs. Snagsby, “At what time did you expect Mr. and Mrs.
Chadband, my love?”
“At six,” says Mrs. Snagsby.
Mr. Snagsby observes in a mild and casual way that “it’s gone that.”
“Perhaps you’d like to begin without them,” is Mrs. Snagsby’s
reproachful remark.
Mr. Snagsby does look as if he would like it very much, but he says,
with his cough of mildness, “No, my dear, no. I merely named the
time.”
“What’s time,” says Mrs. Snagsby, “to eternity?”
“Very true, my dear,” says Mr. Snagsby. “Only when a person lays in
victuals for tea, a person does it with a view—perhaps—more to
time. And when a time is named for having tea, it’s better to come up
to it.”
“To come up to it!” Mrs. Snagsby repeats with severity. “Up to it! As
if Mr. Chadband was a fighter!”
“Not at all, my dear,” says Mr. Snagsby.
Here, Guster, who had been looking out of the bedroom window, comes
rustling and scratching down the little staircase like a popular
ghost, and falling flushed into the drawing-room, announces that Mr.
and Mrs. Chadband have appeared in the court. The bell at the inner
door in the passage immediately thereafter tinkling, she is
admonished by Mrs. Snagsby, on pain of instant reconsignment to her
patron saint, not to omit the ceremony of announcement. Much
discomposed in her nerves (which were previously in the best order)
by this threat, she so fearfully mutilates that point of state as to
announce “Mr. and Mrs. Cheeseming, least which, Imeantersay,
whatsername!” and retires conscience-stricken from the presence.
Mr. Chadband is a large yellow man with a fat smile and a general
appearance of having a good deal of train oil in his system. Mrs.
Chadband is a stern, severe-looking, silent woman. Mr. Chadband moves
softly and cumbrously, not unlike a bear who has been taught to walk
upright. He is very much embarrassed about the arms, as if they were
inconvenient to him and he wanted to grovel, is very much in a
perspiration about the head, and never speaks without first putting
up his great hand, as delivering a token to his hearers that he is
going to edify them.
“My friends,” says Mr. Chadband, “peace be on this house! On the
master thereof, on the mistress thereof, on the young maidens, and on
the young men! My friends, why do I wish for peace? What is peace? Is
it war? No. Is it strife? No. Is it lovely, and gentle, and
beautiful, and pleasant, and serene, and joyful? Oh, yes! Therefore,
my friends, I wish for peace, upon you and upon yours.”
In consequence of Mrs. Snagsby looking deeply edified, Mr. Snagsby
thinks it expedient on the whole to say amen, which is well received.
“Now, my friends,” proceeds Mr. Chadband, “since I am upon this
theme—”
Guster presents herself. Mrs. Snagsby, in a spectral bass voice and
without removing her eyes from Chadband, says with dreadful
distinctness, “Go away!”
“Now, my friends,” says Chadband, “since I am upon this theme, and in
my lowly path improving it—”
Guster is heard unaccountably to murmur “one thousing seven hundred
and eighty-two.” The spectral voice repeats more solemnly, “Go away!”
“Now, my friends,” says Mr. Chadband, “we will inquire in a spirit of
love—”
Still Guster reiterates “one thousing seven hundred and eighty-two.”
Mr. Chadband, pausing with the resignation of a man accustomed to be
persecuted and languidly folding up his chin into his fat smile,
says, “Let us hear the maiden! Speak, maiden!”
“One thousing seven hundred and eighty-two, if you please, sir. Which
he wish to know what the shilling ware for,” says Guster, breathless.
“For?” returns Mrs. Chadband. “For his fare!”
Guster replied that “he insistes on one and eightpence or on
summonsizzing the party.” Mrs. Snagsby and Mrs. Chadband are
proceeding to grow shrill in indignation when Mr. Chadband quiets the
tumult by lifting up his hand.
“My friends,” says he, “I remember a duty unfulfilled yesterday. It
is right that I should be chastened in some penalty. I ought not to
murmur. Rachael, pay the eightpence!”
While Mrs. Snagsby, drawing her breath, looks hard at Mr. Snagsby, as
who should say, “You hear this apostle!” and while Mr. Chadband glows
with humility and train oil, Mrs. Chadband pays the money. It is Mr.
Chadband’s habit—it is the head and front of his pretensions
indeed—to keep this sort of debtor and creditor account in the
smallest items and to post it publicly on the most trivial occasions.
“My friends,” says Chadband, “eightpence is not much; it might justly
have been one and fourpence; it might justly have been half a crown.
O let us be joyful, joyful! O let us be joyful!”
With which remark, which appears from its sound to be an extract in
verse, Mr. Chadband stalks to the table, and before taking a chair,
lifts up his admonitory hand.
“My friends,” says he, “what is this which we now behold as being
spread before us? Refreshment. Do we need refreshment then, my
friends? We do. And why do we need refreshment, my friends? Because
we are but mortal, because we are but sinful, because we are but of
the earth, because we are not of the air. Can we fly, my friends? We
cannot. Why can we not fly, my friends?”
Mr. Snagsby, presuming on the success of his last point, ventures to
observe in a cheerful and rather knowing tone, “No wings.” But is
immediately frowned down by Mrs. Snagsby.
“I say, my friends,” pursues Mr. Chadband, utterly rejecting and
obliterating Mr. Snagsby’s suggestion, “why can we not fly? Is it
because we are calculated to walk? It is. Could we walk, my friends,
without strength? We could not. What should we do without strength,
my friends? Our legs would refuse to bear us, our knees would double
up, our ankles would turn over, and we should come to the ground.
Then from whence, my friends, in a human point of view, do we derive
the strength that is necessary to our limbs? Is it,” says Chadband,
glancing over the table, “from bread in various forms, from butter
which is churned from the milk which is yielded unto us by the cow,
from the eggs which are laid by the fowl, from ham, from tongue, from
sausage, and from such like? It is. Then let us partake of the good
things which are set before us!”
The persecutors denied that there was any particular gift in Mr.
Chadband’s piling verbose flights of stairs, one upon another, after
this fashion. But this can only be received as a proof of their
determination to persecute, since it must be within everybody’s
experience that the Chadband style of oratory is widely received and
much admired.
Mr. Chadband, however, having concluded for the present, sits down at
Mr. Snagsby’s table and lays about him prodigiously. The conversion
of nutriment of any sort into oil of the quality already mentioned
appears to be a process so inseparable from the constitution of this
exemplary vessel that in beginning to eat and drink, he may be
described as always becoming a kind of considerable oil mills or
other large factory for the production of that article on a wholesale
scale. On the present evening of the long vacation, in Cook’s Court,
Cursitor Street, he does such a powerful stroke of business that the
warehouse appears to be quite full when the works cease.
At this period of the entertainment, Guster, who has never recovered
her first failure, but has neglected no possible or impossible means
of bringing the establishment and herself into contempt—among which
may be briefly enumerated her unexpectedly performing clashing
military music on Mr. Chadband’s head with plates, and afterwards
crowning that gentleman with muffins—at which period of the
entertainment, Guster whispers Mr. Snagsby that he is wanted.
“And being wanted in the—not to put too fine a point upon it—in the
shop,” says Mr. Snagsby, rising, “perhaps this good company will
excuse me for half a minute.”
Mr. Snagsby descends and finds the two ’prentices intently
contemplating a police constable, who holds a ragged boy by the arm.
“Why, bless my heart,” says Mr. Snagsby, “what’s the matter!”
“This boy,” says the constable, “although he’s repeatedly told to,
won’t move on—”
“I’m always a-moving on, sar,” cries the boy, wiping away his grimy
tears with his arm. “I’ve always been a-moving and a-moving on, ever
since I was born. Where can I possibly move to, sir, more nor I do
move!”
“He won’t move on,” says the constable calmly, with a slight
professional hitch of his neck involving its better settlement in his
stiff stock, “although he has been repeatedly cautioned, and
therefore I am obliged to take him into custody. He’s as obstinate a
young gonoph as I know. He WON’T move on.”
“Oh, my eye! Where can I move to!” cries the boy, clutching quite
desperately at his hair and beating his bare feet upon the floor of
Mr. Snagsby’s passage.
“Don’t you come none of that or I shall make blessed short work of
you!” says the constable, giving him a passionless shake. “My
instructions are that you are to move on. I have told you so five
hundred times.”
“But where?” cries the boy.
“Well! Really, constable, you know,” says Mr. Snagsby wistfully, and
coughing behind his hand his cough of great perplexity and doubt,
“really, that does seem a question. Where, you know?”
“My instructions don’t go to that,” replies the constable. “My
instructions are that this boy is to move on.”
Do you hear, Jo? It is nothing to you or to any one else that the
great lights of the parliamentary sky have failed for some few years
in this business to set you the example of moving on. The one grand
recipe remains for you—the profound philosophical prescription—the
be-all and the end-all of your strange existence upon earth. Move on!
You are by no means to move off, Jo, for the great lights can’t at
all agree about that. Move on!
Mr. Snagsby says nothing to this effect, says nothing at all indeed,
but coughs his forlornest cough, expressive of no thoroughfare in any
direction. By this time Mr. and Mrs. Chadband and Mrs. Snagsby,
hearing the altercation, have appeared upon the stairs. Guster having
never left the end of the passage, the whole household are assembled.
“The simple question is, sir,” says the constable, “whether you know
this boy. He says you do.”
Mrs. Snagsby, from her elevation, instantly cries out, “No he don’t!”
“My lit-tle woman!” says Mr. Snagsby, looking up the staircase. “My
love, permit me! Pray have a moment’s patience, my dear. I do know
something of this lad, and in what I know of him, I can’t say that
there’s any harm; perhaps on the contrary, constable.” To whom the
law-stationer relates his Joful and woeful experience, suppressing
the half-crown fact.
“Well!” says the constable, “so far, it seems, he had grounds for
what he said. When I took him into custody up in Holborn, he said you
knew him. Upon that, a young man who was in the crowd said he was
acquainted with you, and you were a respectable housekeeper, and if
I’d call and make the inquiry, he’d appear. The young man don’t seem
inclined to keep his word, but—Oh! Here IS the young man!”
Enter Mr. Guppy, who nods to Mr. Snagsby and touches his hat with the
chivalry of clerkship to the ladies on the stairs.
“I was strolling away from the office just now when I found this row
going on,” says Mr. Guppy to the law-stationer, “and as your name was
mentioned, I thought it was right the thing should be looked into.”