Bleak House
remotest periods. Her systematic manner of flying at her and pouncing
on her, with or without pretence, whether or no, is wonderful,
evincing an accomplishment in the art of girl-driving seldom reached
by the oldest practitioners.
“Now, don’t stare about you all the afternoon,” cries Judy, shaking
her head and stamping her foot as she happens to catch the glance
which has been previously sounding the basin of tea, “but take your
victuals and get back to your work.”
“Yes, miss,” says Charley.
“Don’t say yes,” returns Miss Smallweed, “for I know what you girls
are. Do it without saying it, and then I may begin to believe you.”
Charley swallows a great gulp of tea in token of submission and so
disperses the Druidical ruins that Miss Smallweed charges her not to
gormandize, which “in you girls,” she observes, is disgusting.
Charley might find some more difficulty in meeting her views on the
general subject of girls but for a knock at the door.
“See who it is, and don’t chew when you open it!” cries Judy.
The object of her attentions withdrawing for the purpose, Miss
Smallweed takes that opportunity of jumbling the remainder of the
bread and butter together and launching two or three dirty tea-cups
into the ebb-tide of the basin of tea as a hint that she considers
the eating and drinking terminated.
“Now! Who is it, and what’s wanted?” says the snappish Judy.
It is one Mr. George, it appears. Without other announcement or
ceremony, Mr. George walks in.
“Whew!” says Mr. George. “You are hot here. Always a fire, eh? Well!
Perhaps you do right to get used to one.” Mr. George makes the latter
remark to himself as he nods to Grandfather Smallweed.
“Ho! It’s you!” cries the old gentleman. “How de do? How de do?”
“Middling,” replies Mr. George, taking a chair. “Your granddaughter I
have had the honour of seeing before; my service to you, miss.”
“This is my grandson,” says Grandfather Smallweed. “You ha’n’t seen
him before. He is in the law and not much at home.”
“My service to him, too! He is like his sister. He is very like his
sister. He is devilish like his sister,” says Mr. George, laying a
great and not altogether complimentary stress on his last adjective.
“And how does the world use you, Mr. George?” Grandfather Smallweed
inquires, slowly rubbing his legs.
“Pretty much as usual. Like a football.”
He is a swarthy brown man of fifty, well made, and good looking, with
crisp dark hair, bright eyes, and a broad chest. His sinewy and
powerful hands, as sunburnt as his face, have evidently been used to
a pretty rough life. What is curious about him is that he sits
forward on his chair as if he were, from long habit, allowing space
for some dress or accoutrements that he has altogether laid aside.
His step too is measured and heavy and would go well with a weighty
clash and jingle of spurs. He is close-shaved now, but his mouth is
set as if his upper lip had been for years familiar with a great
moustache; and his manner of occasionally laying the open palm of his
broad brown hand upon it is to the same effect. Altogether one might
guess Mr. George to have been a trooper once upon a time.
A special contrast Mr. George makes to the Smallweed family. Trooper
was never yet billeted upon a household more unlike him. It is a
broadsword to an oyster-knife. His developed figure and their stunted
forms, his large manner filling any amount of room and their little
narrow pinched ways, his sounding voice and their sharp spare tones,
are in the strongest and the strangest opposition. As he sits in the
middle of the grim parlour, leaning a little forward, with his hands
upon his thighs and his elbows squared, he looks as though, if he
remained there long, he would absorb into himself the whole family
and the whole four-roomed house, extra little back-kitchen and all.
“Do you rub your legs to rub life into ’em?” he asks of Grandfather
Smallweed after looking round the room.
“Why, it’s partly a habit, Mr. George, and—yes—it partly helps the
circulation,” he replies.
“The cir-cu-la-tion!” repeats Mr. George, folding his arms upon his
chest and seeming to become two sizes larger. “Not much of that, I
should think.”
“Truly I’m old, Mr. George,” says Grandfather Smallweed. “But I can
carry my years. I’m older than HER,” nodding at his wife, “and see
what she is? You’re a brimstone chatterer!” with a sudden revival of
his late hostility.
“Unlucky old soul!” says Mr. George, turning his head in that
direction. “Don’t scold the old lady. Look at her here, with her poor
cap half off her head and her poor hair all in a muddle. Hold up,
ma’am. That’s better. There we are! Think of your mother, Mr.
Smallweed,” says Mr. George, coming back to his seat from assisting
her, “if your wife an’t enough.”
“I suppose you were an excellent son, Mr. George?” the old man hints
with a leer.
The colour of Mr. George’s face rather deepens as he replies, “Why
no. I wasn’t.”
“I am astonished at it.”
“So am I. I ought to have been a good son, and I think I meant to
have been one. But I wasn’t. I was a thundering bad son, that’s the
long and the short of it, and never was a credit to anybody.”
“Surprising!” cries the old man.
“However,” Mr. George resumes, “the less said about it, the better
now. Come! You know the agreement. Always a pipe out of the two
months’ interest! (Bosh! It’s all correct. You needn’t be afraid to
order the pipe. Here’s the new bill, and here’s the two months’
interest-money, and a devil-and-all of a scrape it is to get it
together in my business.)”
Mr. George sits, with his arms folded, consuming the family and the
parlour while Grandfather Smallweed is assisted by Judy to two black
leathern cases out of a locked bureau, in one of which he secures the
document he has just received, and from the other takes another
similar document which he hands to Mr. George, who twists it up for a
pipelight. As the old man inspects, through his glasses, every
up-stroke and down-stroke of both documents before he releases them
from their leathern prison, and as he counts the money three times
over and requires Judy to say every word she utters at least twice,
and is as tremulously slow of speech and action as it is possible to
be, this business is a long time in progress. When it is quite
concluded, and not before, he disengages his ravenous eyes and
fingers from it and answers Mr. George’s last remark by saying,
“Afraid to order the pipe? We are not so mercenary as that, sir.
Judy, see directly to the pipe and the glass of cold brandy-and-water
for Mr. George.”
The sportive twins, who have been looking straight before them all
this time except when they have been engrossed by the black leathern
cases, retire together, generally disdainful of the visitor, but
leaving him to the old man as two young cubs might leave a traveller
to the parental bear.
“And there you sit, I suppose, all the day long, eh?” says Mr. George
with folded arms.
“Just so, just so,” the old man nods.
“And don’t you occupy yourself at all?”
“I watch the fire—and the boiling and the roasting—”
“When there is any,” says Mr. George with great expression.
“Just so. When there is any.”
“Don’t you read or get read to?”
The old man shakes his head with sharp sly triumph. “No, no. We have
never been readers in our family. It don’t pay. Stuff. Idleness.
Folly. No, no!”
“There’s not much to choose between your two states,” says the
visitor in a key too low for the old man’s dull hearing as he looks
from him to the old woman and back again. “I say!” in a louder voice.
“I hear you.”
“You’ll sell me up at last, I suppose, when I am a day in arrear.”
“My dear friend!” cries Grandfather Smallweed, stretching out both
hands to embrace him. “Never! Never, my dear friend! But my friend in
the city that I got to lend you the money—HE might!”
“Oh! You can’t answer for him?” says Mr. George, finishing the
inquiry in his lower key with the words “You lying old rascal!”
“My dear friend, he is not to be depended on. I wouldn’t trust him.
He will have his bond, my dear friend.”
“Devil doubt him,” says Mr. George. Charley appearing with a
tray, on which are the pipe, a small paper of tobacco, and the
brandy-and-water, he asks her, “How do you come here! You haven’t got
the family face.”
“I goes out to work, sir,” returns Charley.
The trooper (if trooper he be or have been) takes her bonnet off,
with a light touch for so strong a hand, and pats her on the head.
“You give the house almost a wholesome look. It wants a bit of youth
as much as it wants fresh air.” Then he dismisses her, lights his
pipe, and drinks to Mr. Smallweed’s friend in the city—the one
solitary flight of that esteemed old gentleman’s imagination.
“So you think he might be hard upon me, eh?”
“I think he might—I am afraid he would. I have known him do it,”
says Grandfather Smallweed incautiously, “twenty times.”
Incautiously, because his stricken better-half, who has been dozing
over the fire for some time, is instantly aroused and jabbers “Twenty
thousand pounds, twenty twenty-pound notes in a money-box, twenty
guineas, twenty million twenty per cent, twenty—” and is then cut
short by the flying cushion, which the visitor, to whom this singular
experiment appears to be a novelty, snatches from her face as it
crushes her in the usual manner.
“You’re a brimstone idiot. You’re a scorpion—a brimstone scorpion!
You’re a sweltering toad. You’re a chattering clattering broomstick
witch that ought to be burnt!” gasps the old man, prostrate in his
chair. “My dear friend, will you shake me up a little?”
Mr. George, who has been looking first at one of them and then at the
other, as if he were demented, takes his venerable acquaintance by
the throat on receiving this request, and dragging him upright in his
chair as easily as if he were a doll, appears in two minds whether or
no to shake all future power of cushioning out of him and shake him
into his grave. Resisting the temptation, but agitating him violently
enough to make his head roll like a harlequin’s, he puts him smartly
down in his chair again and adjusts his skull-cap with such a rub
that the old man winks with both eyes for a minute afterwards.
“O Lord!” gasps Mr. Smallweed. “That’ll do. Thank you, my dear
friend, that’ll do. Oh, dear me, I’m out of breath. O Lord!” And Mr.
Smallweed says it not without evident apprehensions of his dear
friend, who still stands over him looming larger than ever.
The alarming presence, however, gradually subsides into its chair and
falls to smoking in long puffs, consoling itself with the
philosophical reflection, “The name of your friend in the city begins
with a D, comrade, and you’re about right respecting the bond.”
“Did you speak, Mr. George?” inquires the old man.
The trooper shakes his head, and leaning forward with his right elbow
on his right knee and his pipe supported in that hand, while his
other hand, resting on his left leg, squares his left elbow in a
martial manner, continues to smoke. Meanwhile he looks at Mr.
Smallweed with grave attention and now and then fans the cloud of
smoke away in order that he may see him the more clearly.
“I take it,” he says, making just as much and as little change in his
position as will enable him to reach the glass to his lips with a
round, full action, “that I am the only man alive (or dead either)
that gets the value of a pipe out of YOU?”
“Well,” returns the old man, “it’s true that I don’t see company, Mr.
George, and that I don’t treat. I can’t afford to it. But as you, in
your pleasant way, made your pipe a condition—”
“Why, it’s not for the value of it; that’s no great thing. It was a
fancy to get it out of you. To have something in for my money.”