Bleak House
“Ha! You’re prudent, prudent, sir!” cries Grandfather Smallweed,
rubbing his legs.
“Very. I always was.” Puff. “It’s a sure sign of my prudence that I
ever found the way here.” Puff. “Also, that I am what I am.” Puff. “I
am well known to be prudent,” says Mr. George, composedly smoking. “I
rose in life that way.”
“Don’t be down-hearted, sir. You may rise yet.”
Mr. George laughs and drinks.
“Ha’n’t you no relations, now,” asks Grandfather Smallweed with a
twinkle in his eyes, “who would pay off this little principal or who
would lend you a good name or two that I could persuade my friend in
the city to make you a further advance upon? Two good names would be
sufficient for my friend in the city. Ha’n’t you no such relations,
Mr. George?”
Mr. George, still composedly smoking, replies, “If I had, I shouldn’t
trouble them. I have been trouble enough to my belongings in my day.
It MAY be a very good sort of penitence in a vagabond, who has wasted
the best time of his life, to go back then to decent people that he
never was a credit to and live upon them, but it’s not my sort. The
best kind of amends then for having gone away is to keep away, in my
opinion.”
“But natural affection, Mr. George,” hints Grandfather Smallweed.
“For two good names, hey?” says Mr. George, shaking his head and
still composedly smoking. “No. That’s not my sort either.”
Grandfather Smallweed has been gradually sliding down in his chair
since his last adjustment and is now a bundle of clothes with a voice
in it calling for Judy. That houri, appearing, shakes him up in the
usual manner and is charged by the old gentleman to remain near him.
For he seems chary of putting his visitor to the trouble of repeating
his late attentions.
“Ha!” he observes when he is in trim again. “If you could have traced
out the captain, Mr. George, it would have been the making of you. If
when you first came here, in consequence of our advertisement in the
newspapers—when I say ‘our,’ I’m alluding to the advertisements of
my friend in the city, and one or two others who embark their capital
in the same way, and are so friendly towards me as sometimes to give
me a lift with my little pittance—if at that time you could have
helped us, Mr. George, it would have been the making of you.”
“I was willing enough to be ‘made,’ as you call it,” says Mr. George,
smoking not quite so placidly as before, for since the entrance of
Judy he has been in some measure disturbed by a fascination, not of
the admiring kind, which obliges him to look at her as she stands by
her grandfather’s chair, “but on the whole, I am glad I wasn’t now.”
“Why, Mr. George? In the name of—of brimstone, why?” says
Grandfather Smallweed with a plain appearance of exasperation.
(Brimstone apparently suggested by his eye lighting on Mrs. Smallweed
in her slumber.)
“For two reasons, comrade.”
“And what two reasons, Mr. George? In the name of the—”
“Of our friend in the city?” suggests Mr. George, composedly
drinking.
“Aye, if you like. What two reasons?”
“In the first place,” returns Mr. George, but still looking at Judy
as if she being so old and so like her grandfather it is indifferent
which of the two he addresses, “you gentlemen took me in. You
advertised that Mr. Hawdon (Captain Hawdon, if you hold to the saying
‘Once a captain, always a captain’) was to hear of something to his
advantage.”
“Well?” returns the old man shrilly and sharply.
“Well!” says Mr. George, smoking on. “It wouldn’t have been much to
his advantage to have been clapped into prison by the whole bill and
judgment trade of London.”
“How do you know that? Some of his rich relations might have paid his
debts or compounded for ’em. Besides, he had taken US in. He owed us
immense sums all round. I would sooner have strangled him than had no
return. If I sit here thinking of him,” snarls the old man, holding
up his impotent ten fingers, “I want to strangle him now.” And in a
sudden access of fury, he throws the cushion at the unoffending Mrs.
Smallweed, but it passes harmlessly on one side of her chair.
“I don’t need to be told,” returns the trooper, taking his pipe from
his lips for a moment and carrying his eyes back from following the
progress of the cushion to the pipe-bowl which is burning low, “that
he carried on heavily and went to ruin. I have been at his right hand
many a day when he was charging upon ruin full-gallop. I was with him
when he was sick and well, rich and poor. I laid this hand upon him
after he had run through everything and broken down everything
beneath him—when he held a pistol to his head.”
“I wish he had let it off,” says the benevolent old man, “and blown
his head into as many pieces as he owed pounds!”
“That would have been a smash indeed,” returns the trooper coolly;
“any way, he had been young, hopeful, and handsome in the days gone
by, and I am glad I never found him, when he was neither, to lead to
a result so much to his advantage. That’s reason number one.”
“I hope number two’s as good?” snarls the old man.
“Why, no. It’s more of a selfish reason. If I had found him, I must
have gone to the other world to look. He was there.”
“How do you know he was there?”
“He wasn’t here.”
“How do you know he wasn’t here?”
“Don’t lose your temper as well as your money,” says Mr. George,
calmly knocking the ashes out of his pipe. “He was drowned long
before. I am convinced of it. He went over a ship’s side. Whether
intentionally or accidentally, I don’t know. Perhaps your friend in
the city does. Do you know what that tune is, Mr. Smallweed?” he adds
after breaking off to whistle one, accompanied on the table with the
empty pipe.
“Tune!” replied the old man. “No. We never have tunes here.”
“That’s the Dead March in Saul. They bury soldiers to it,
so it’s the natural end of the subject. Now, if your pretty
granddaughter—excuse me, miss—will condescend to take care of this
pipe for two months, we shall save the cost of one next time. Good
evening, Mr. Smallweed!”
“My dear friend!” the old man gives him both his hands.
“So you think your friend in the city will be hard upon me if I fall
in a payment?” says the trooper, looking down upon him like a giant.
“My dear friend, I am afraid he will,” returns the old man, looking
up at him like a pygmy.
Mr. George laughs, and with a glance at Mr. Smallweed and a parting
salutation to the scornful Judy, strides out of the parlour, clashing
imaginary sabres and other metallic appurtenances as he goes.
“You’re a damned rogue,” says the old gentleman, making a hideous
grimace at the door as he shuts it. “But I’ll lime you, you dog, I’ll
lime you!”
After this amiable remark, his spirit soars into those enchanting
regions of reflection which its education and pursuits have opened to
it, and again he and Mrs. Smallweed while away the rosy hours, two
unrelieved sentinels forgotten as aforesaid by the Black Serjeant.
While the twain are faithful to their post, Mr. George strides
through the streets with a massive kind of swagger and a grave-enough
face. It is eight o’clock now, and the day is fast drawing in. He
stops hard by Waterloo Bridge and reads a playbill, decides to go to
Astley’s Theatre. Being there, is much delighted with the horses and
the feats of strength; looks at the weapons with a critical eye;
disapproves of the combats as giving evidences of unskilful
swordsmanship; but is touched home by the sentiments. In the last
scene, when the Emperor of Tartary gets up into a cart and
condescends to bless the united lovers by hovering over them with the
Union Jack, his eyelashes are moistened with emotion.
The theatre over, Mr. George comes across the water again and makes
his way to that curious region lying about the Haymarket and
Leicester Square which is a centre of attraction to indifferent
foreign hotels and indifferent foreigners, racket-courts,
fighting-men, swordsmen, footguards, old china, gaming-houses,
exhibitions, and a large medley of shabbiness and shrinking out of
sight. Penetrating to the heart of this region, he arrives by a court
and a long whitewashed passage at a great brick building composed of
bare walls, floors, roof-rafters, and skylights, on the front of
which, if it can be said to have any front, is painted GEORGE’S
SHOOTING GALLERY, &c.
Into George’s Shooting Gallery, &c., he goes; and in it there are
gaslights (partly turned off now), and two whitened targets for
rifle-shooting, and archery accommodation, and fencing appliances,
and all necessaries for the British art of boxing. None of these
sports or exercises being pursued in George’s Shooting Gallery
to-night, which is so devoid of company that a little grotesque man
with a large head has it all to himself and lies asleep upon the
floor.
The little man is dressed something like a gunsmith, in a green-baize
apron and cap; and his face and hands are dirty with gunpowder and
begrimed with the loading of guns. As he lies in the light before a
glaring white target, the black upon him shines again. Not far off is
the strong, rough, primitive table with a vice upon it at which he
has been working. He is a little man with a face all crushed
together, who appears, from a certain blue and speckled appearance
that one of his cheeks presents, to have been blown up, in the way of
business, at some odd time or times.
“Phil!” says the trooper in a quiet voice.
“All right!” cries Phil, scrambling to his feet.
“Anything been doing?”
“Flat as ever so much swipes,” says Phil. “Five dozen rifle and a
dozen pistol. As to aim!” Phil gives a howl at the recollection.
“Shut up shop, Phil!”
As Phil moves about to execute this order, it appears that he is
lame, though able to move very quickly. On the speckled side of his
face he has no eyebrow, and on the other side he has a bushy black
one, which want of uniformity gives him a very singular and rather
sinister appearance. Everything seems to have happened to his hands
that could possibly take place consistently with the retention of all
the fingers, for they are notched, and seamed, and crumpled all over.
He appears to be very strong and lifts heavy benches about as if he
had no idea what weight was. He has a curious way of limping round
the gallery with his shoulder against the wall and tacking off at
objects he wants to lay hold of instead of going straight to them,
which has left a smear all round the four walls, conventionally
called “Phil’s mark.”
This custodian of George’s Gallery in George’s absence concludes his
proceedings, when he has locked the great doors and turned out all
the lights but one, which he leaves to glimmer, by dragging out from
a wooden cabin in a corner two mattresses and bedding. These being
drawn to opposite ends of the gallery, the trooper makes his own bed
and Phil makes his.
“Phil!” says the master, walking towards him without his coat and
waistcoat, and looking more soldierly than ever in his braces. “You
were found in a doorway, weren’t you?”
“Gutter,” says Phil. “Watchman tumbled over me.”
“Then vagabondizing came natural to YOU from the beginning.”
“As nat’ral as possible,” says Phil.
“Good night!”
“Good night, guv’ner.”
Phil cannot even go straight to bed, but finds it necessary to
shoulder round two sides of the gallery and then tack off at his
mattress. The trooper, after taking a turn or two in the
rifle-distance and looking up at the moon now shining through the
skylights, strides to his own mattress by a shorter route and goes to
bed too.
CHAPTER XXII
Mr. Bucket
Allegory looks pretty cool in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, though the
evening is hot, for both Mr. Tulkinghorn’s windows are wide open, and
the room is lofty, gusty, and gloomy. These may not be desirable