Bleak House
before a looking-glass of minute proportions, then marches out,
bare-headed and bare-chested, to the pump in the little yard and anon
comes back shining with yellow soap, friction, drifting rain, and
exceedingly cold water. As he rubs himself upon a large jack-towel,
blowing like a military sort of diver just come up, his hair curling
tighter and tighter on his sunburnt temples the more he rubs it so
that it looks as if it never could be loosened by any less coercive
instrument than an iron rake or a curry-comb—as he rubs, and puffs,
and polishes, and blows, turning his head from side to side the more
conveniently to excoriate his throat, and standing with his body well
bent forward to keep the wet from his martial legs, Phil, on his
knees lighting a fire, looks round as if it were enough washing for
him to see all that done, and sufficient renovation for one day to
take in the superfluous health his master throws off.
When Mr. George is dry, he goes to work to brush his head with two
hard brushes at once, to that unmerciful degree that Phil,
shouldering his way round the gallery in the act of sweeping it,
winks with sympathy. This chafing over, the ornamental part of Mr.
George’s toilet is soon performed. He fills his pipe, lights it, and
marches up and down smoking, as his custom is, while Phil, raising a
powerful odour of hot rolls and coffee, prepares breakfast. He smokes
gravely and marches in slow time. Perhaps this morning’s pipe is
devoted to the memory of Gridley in his grave.
“And so, Phil,” says George of the shooting gallery after several
turns in silence, “you were dreaming of the country last night?”
Phil, by the by, said as much in a tone of surprise as he scrambled
out of bed.
“Yes, guv’ner.”
“What was it like?”
“I hardly know what it was like, guv’ner,” said Phil, considering.
“How did you know it was the country?”
“On account of the grass, I think. And the swans upon it,” says Phil
after further consideration.
“What were the swans doing on the grass?”
“They was a-eating of it, I expect,” says Phil.
The master resumes his march, and the man resumes his preparation of
breakfast. It is not necessarily a lengthened preparation, being
limited to the setting forth of very simple breakfast requisites for
two and the broiling of a rasher of bacon at the fire in the rusty
grate; but as Phil has to sidle round a considerable part of the
gallery for every object he wants, and never brings two objects at
once, it takes time under the circumstances. At length the breakfast
is ready. Phil announcing it, Mr. George knocks the ashes out of his
pipe on the hob, stands his pipe itself in the chimney corner, and
sits down to the meal. When he has helped himself, Phil follows suit,
sitting at the extreme end of the little oblong table and taking his
plate on his knees. Either in humility, or to hide his blackened
hands, or because it is his natural manner of eating.
“The country,” says Mr. George, plying his knife and fork; “why, I
suppose you never clapped your eyes on the country, Phil?”
“I see the marshes once,” says Phil, contentedly eating his
breakfast.
“What marshes?”
“THE marshes, commander,” returns Phil.
“Where are they?”
“I don’t know where they are,” says Phil; “but I see ’em, guv’ner.
They was flat. And miste.”
Governor and commander are interchangeable terms with Phil,
expressive of the same respect and deference and applicable to nobody
but Mr. George.
“I was born in the country, Phil.”
“Was you indeed, commander?”
“Yes. And bred there.”
Phil elevates his one eyebrow, and after respectfully staring at his
master to express interest, swallows a great gulp of coffee, still
staring at him.
“There’s not a bird’s note that I don’t know,” says Mr. George. “Not
many an English leaf or berry that I couldn’t name. Not many a tree
that I couldn’t climb yet if I was put to it. I was a real country
boy, once. My good mother lived in the country.”
“She must have been a fine old lady, guv’ner,” Phil observes.
“Aye! And not so old either, five and thirty years ago,” says Mr.
George. “But I’ll wager that at ninety she would be near as upright
as me, and near as broad across the shoulders.”
“Did she die at ninety, guv’ner?” inquires Phil.
“No. Bosh! Let her rest in peace, God bless her!” says the
trooper. “What set me on about country boys, and runaways, and
good-for-nothings? You, to be sure! So you never clapped your eyes
upon the country—marshes and dreams excepted. Eh?”
Phil shakes his head.
“Do you want to see it?”
“N-no, I don’t know as I do, particular,” says Phil.
“The town’s enough for you, eh?”
“Why, you see, commander,” says Phil, “I ain’t acquainted with
anythink else, and I doubt if I ain’t a-getting too old to take to
novelties.”
“How old ARE you, Phil?” asks the trooper, pausing as he conveys his
smoking saucer to his lips.
“I’m something with a eight in it,” says Phil. “It can’t be eighty.
Nor yet eighteen. It’s betwixt ’em, somewheres.”
Mr. George, slowly putting down his saucer without tasting its
contents, is laughingly beginning, “Why, what the deuce, Phil—” when
he stops, seeing that Phil is counting on his dirty fingers.
“I was just eight,” says Phil, “agreeable to the parish calculation,
when I went with the tinker. I was sent on a errand, and I see him
a-sittin under a old buildin with a fire all to himself wery
comfortable, and he says, ‘Would you like to come along a me, my
man?’ I says ‘Yes,’ and him and me and the fire goes home to
Clerkenwell together. That was April Fool Day. I was able to count up
to ten; and when April Fool Day come round again, I says to myself,
‘Now, old chap, you’re one and a eight in it.’ April Fool Day after
that, I says, ‘Now, old chap, you’re two and a eight in it.’ In
course of time, I come to ten and a eight in it; two tens and a eight
in it. When it got so high, it got the upper hand of me, but this is
how I always know there’s a eight in it.”
“Ah!” says Mr. George, resuming his breakfast. “And where’s the
tinker?”
“Drink put him in the hospital, guv’ner, and the hospital put him—in
a glass-case, I HAVE heerd,” Phil replies mysteriously.
“By that means you got promotion? Took the business, Phil?”
“Yes, commander, I took the business. Such as it was. It wasn’t much
of a beat—round Saffron Hill, Hatton Garden, Clerkenwell, Smiffeld,
and there—poor neighbourhood, where they uses up the kettles till
they’re past mending. Most of the tramping tinkers used to come and
lodge at our place; that was the best part of my master’s earnings.
But they didn’t come to me. I warn’t like him. He could sing ’em a
good song. I couldn’t! He could play ’em a tune on any sort of pot
you please, so as it was iron or block tin. I never could do nothing
with a pot but mend it or bile it—never had a note of music in me.
Besides, I was too ill-looking, and their wives complained of me.”
“They were mighty particular. You would pass muster in a crowd,
Phil!” says the trooper with a pleasant smile.
“No, guv’ner,” returns Phil, shaking his head. “No, I shouldn’t. I
was passable enough when I went with the tinker, though nothing to
boast of then; but what with blowing the fire with my mouth when I
was young, and spileing my complexion, and singeing my hair off, and
swallering the smoke, and what with being nat’rally unfort’nate in
the way of running against hot metal and marking myself by sich
means, and what with having turn-ups with the tinker as I got older,
almost whenever he was too far gone in drink—which was almost
always—my beauty was queer, wery queer, even at that time. As to
since, what with a dozen years in a dark forge where the men was
given to larking, and what with being scorched in a accident at a
gas-works, and what with being blowed out of winder case-filling at
the firework business, I am ugly enough to be made a show on!”
Resigning himself to which condition with a perfectly satisfied
manner, Phil begs the favour of another cup of coffee. While drinking
it, he says, “It was after the case-filling blow-up when I first see
you, commander. You remember?”
“I remember, Phil. You were walking along in the sun.”
“Crawling, guv’ner, again a wall—”
“True, Phil—shouldering your way on—”
“In a night-cap!” exclaims Phil, excited.
“In a night-cap—”
“And hobbling with a couple of sticks!” cries Phil, still more
excited.
“With a couple of sticks. When—”
“When you stops, you know,” cries Phil, putting down his cup and
saucer and hastily removing his plate from his knees, “and says to
me, ‘What, comrade! You have been in the wars!’ I didn’t say much to
you, commander, then, for I was took by surprise that a person so
strong and healthy and bold as you was should stop to speak to such a
limping bag of bones as I was. But you says to me, says you,
delivering it out of your chest as hearty as possible, so that it was
like a glass of something hot, ‘What accident have you met with? You
have been badly hurt. What’s amiss, old boy? Cheer up, and tell us
about it!’ Cheer up! I was cheered already! I says as much to you,
you says more to me, I says more to you, you says more to me, and
here I am, commander! Here I am, commander!” cries Phil, who has
started from his chair and unaccountably begun to sidle away. “If a
mark’s wanted, or if it will improve the business, let the customers
take aim at me. They can’t spoil MY beauty. I’M all right. Come on!
If they want a man to box at, let ’em box at me. Let ’em knock me
well about the head. I don’t mind. If they want a light-weight to be
throwed for practice, Cornwall, Devonshire, or Lancashire, let ’em
throw me. They won’t hurt ME. I have been throwed, all sorts of
styles, all my life!”
With this unexpected speech, energetically delivered and accompanied
by action illustrative of the various exercises referred to, Phil
Squod shoulders his way round three sides of the gallery, and
abruptly tacking off at his commander, makes a butt at him with his
head, intended to express devotion to his service. He then begins to
clear away the breakfast.
Mr. George, after laughing cheerfully and clapping him on the
shoulder, assists in these arrangements and helps to get the gallery
into business order. That done, he takes a turn at the dumb-bells,
and afterwards weighing himself and opining that he is getting “too
fleshy,” engages with great gravity in solitary broadsword practice.
Meanwhile Phil has fallen to work at his usual table, where he screws
and unscrews, and cleans, and files, and whistles into small
apertures, and blackens himself more and more, and seems to do and
undo everything that can be done and undone about a gun.
Master and man are at length disturbed by footsteps in the passage,
where they make an unusual sound, denoting the arrival of unusual
company. These steps, advancing nearer and nearer to the gallery,
bring into it a group at first sight scarcely reconcilable with any
day in the year but the fifth of November.
It consists of a limp and ugly figure carried in a chair by two
bearers and attended by a lean female with a face like a pinched
mask, who might be expected immediately to recite the popular verses
commemorative of the time when they did contrive to blow Old England
up alive but for her keeping her lips tightly and defiantly closed as
the chair is put down. At which point the figure in it gasping, “O
Lord! Oh, dear me! I am shaken!” adds, “How de do, my dear friend,
how de do?” Mr. George then descries, in the procession, the
venerable Mr. Smallweed out for an airing, attended by his
granddaughter Judy as body-guard.
“Mr. George, my dear friend,” says Grandfather Smallweed, removing
his right arm from the neck of one of his bearers, whom he has nearly