Bleak House
anywhere else.”
“My love, I don’t know but what I may be, I am sure. I am ready to
go.”
Mr. Snagsby casts his eye forlornly round the bar, gives Messrs.
Weevle and Guppy good morning, assures them of the satisfaction with
which he sees them uninjured, and accompanies Mrs. Snagsby from the
Sol’s Arms. Before night his doubt whether he may not be responsible
for some inconceivable part in the catastrophe which is the talk of
the whole neighbourhood is almost resolved into certainty by Mrs.
Snagsby’s pertinacity in that fixed gaze. His mental sufferings are
so great that he entertains wandering ideas of delivering himself up
to justice and requiring to be cleared if innocent and punished with
the utmost rigour of the law if guilty.
Mr. Weevle and Mr. Guppy, having taken their breakfast, step into
Lincoln’s Inn to take a little walk about the square and clear as
many of the dark cobwebs out of their brains as a little walk may.
“There can be no more favourable time than the present, Tony,” says
Mr. Guppy after they have broodingly made out the four sides of the
square, “for a word or two between us upon a point on which we must,
with very little delay, come to an understanding.”
“Now, I tell you what, William G.!” returns the other, eyeing his
companion with a bloodshot eye. “If it’s a point of conspiracy, you
needn’t take the trouble to mention it. I have had enough of that,
and I ain’t going to have any more. We shall have YOU taking fire
next or blowing up with a bang.”
This supposititious phenomenon is so very disagreeable to Mr. Guppy
that his voice quakes as he says in a moral way, “Tony, I should have
thought that what we went through last night would have been a lesson
to you never to be personal any more as long as you lived.” To which
Mr. Weevle returns, “William, I should have thought it would have
been a lesson to YOU never to conspire any more as long as you
lived.” To which Mr. Guppy says, “Who’s conspiring?” To which Mr.
Jobling replies, “Why, YOU are!” To which Mr. Guppy retorts, “No, I
am not.” To which Mr. Jobling retorts again, “Yes, you are!” To which
Mr. Guppy retorts, “Who says so?” To which Mr. Jobling retorts, “I
say so!” To which Mr. Guppy retorts, “Oh, indeed?” To which Mr.
Jobling retorts, “Yes, indeed!” And both being now in a heated state,
they walk on silently for a while to cool down again.
“Tony,” says Mr. Guppy then, “if you heard your friend out instead of
flying at him, you wouldn’t fall into mistakes. But your temper is
hasty and you are not considerate. Possessing in yourself, Tony, all
that is calculated to charm the eye—”
“Oh! Blow the eye!” cries Mr. Weevle, cutting him short. “Say what
you have got to say!”
Finding his friend in this morose and material condition, Mr. Guppy
only expresses the finer feelings of his soul through the tone of
injury in which he recommences, “Tony, when I say there is a point on
which we must come to an understanding pretty soon, I say so quite
apart from any kind of conspiring, however innocent. You know it is
professionally arranged beforehand in all cases that are tried what
facts the witnesses are to prove. Is it or is it not desirable that
we should know what facts we are to prove on the inquiry into the
death of this unfortunate old mo—gentleman?” (Mr. Guppy was going to
say “mogul,” but thinks “gentleman” better suited to the
circumstances.)
“What facts? THE facts.”
“The facts bearing on that inquiry. Those are”—Mr. Guppy tells them
off on his fingers—“what we knew of his habits, when you saw him
last, what his condition was then, the discovery that we made, and
how we made it.”
“Yes,” says Mr. Weevle. “Those are about the facts.”
“We made the discovery in consequence of his having, in his eccentric
way, an appointment with you at twelve o’clock at night, when you
were to explain some writing to him as you had often done before on
account of his not being able to read. I, spending the evening with
you, was called down—and so forth. The inquiry being only into the
circumstances touching the death of the deceased, it’s not necessary
to go beyond these facts, I suppose you’ll agree?”
“No!” returns Mr. Weevle. “I suppose not.”
“And this is not a conspiracy, perhaps?” says the injured Guppy.
“No,” returns his friend; “if it’s nothing worse than this, I
withdraw the observation.”
“Now, Tony,” says Mr. Guppy, taking his arm again and walking him
slowly on, “I should like to know, in a friendly way, whether you
have yet thought over the many advantages of your continuing to live
at that place?”
“What do you mean?” says Tony, stopping.
“Whether you have yet thought over the many advantages of your
continuing to live at that place?” repeats Mr. Guppy, walking him on
again.
“At what place? THAT place?” pointing in the direction of the rag and
bottle shop.
Mr. Guppy nods.
“Why, I wouldn’t pass another night there for any consideration that
you could offer me,” says Mr. Weevle, haggardly staring.
“Do you mean it though, Tony?”
“Mean it! Do I look as if I mean it? I feel as if I do; I know that,”
says Mr. Weevle with a very genuine shudder.
“Then the possibility or probability—for such it must be
considered—of your never being disturbed in possession of those
effects lately belonging to a lone old man who seemed to have no
relation in the world, and the certainty of your being able to find
out what he really had got stored up there, don’t weigh with you at
all against last night, Tony, if I understand you?” says Mr. Guppy,
biting his thumb with the appetite of vexation.
“Certainly not. Talk in that cool way of a fellow’s living there?”
cries Mr. Weevle indignantly. “Go and live there yourself.”
“Oh! I, Tony!” says Mr. Guppy, soothing him. “I have never lived
there and couldn’t get a lodging there now, whereas you have got
one.”
“You are welcome to it,” rejoins his friend, “and—ugh!—you may make
yourself at home in it.”
“Then you really and truly at this point,” says Mr. Guppy, “give up
the whole thing, if I understand you, Tony?”
“You never,” returns Tony with a most convincing steadfastness, “said
a truer word in all your life. I do!”
While they are so conversing, a hackney-coach drives into the square,
on the box of which vehicle a very tall hat makes itself manifest to
the public. Inside the coach, and consequently not so manifest to the
multitude, though sufficiently so to the two friends, for the coach
stops almost at their feet, are the venerable Mr. Smallweed and Mrs.
Smallweed, accompanied by their granddaughter Judy.
An air of haste and excitement pervades the party, and as the tall
hat (surmounting Mr. Smallweed the younger) alights, Mr. Smallweed
the elder pokes his head out of window and bawls to Mr. Guppy, “How
de do, sir! How de do!”
“What do Chick and his family want here at this time of the morning,
I wonder!” says Mr. Guppy, nodding to his familiar.
“My dear sir,” cries Grandfather Smallweed, “would you do me a
favour? Would you and your friend be so very obleeging as to carry me
into the public-house in the court, while Bart and his sister bring
their grandmother along? Would you do an old man that good turn,
sir?”
Mr. Guppy looks at his friend, repeating inquiringly, “The
public-house in the court?” And they prepare to bear the venerable
burden to the Sol’s Arms.
“There’s your fare!” says the patriarch to the coachman with a fierce
grin and shaking his incapable fist at him. “Ask me for a penny more,
and I’ll have my lawful revenge upon you. My dear young men, be easy
with me, if you please. Allow me to catch you round the neck. I won’t
squeeze you tighter than I can help. Oh, Lord! Oh, dear me! Oh, my
bones!”
It is well that the Sol is not far off, for Mr. Weevle presents an
apoplectic appearance before half the distance is accomplished. With
no worse aggravation of his symptoms, however, than the utterance of
divers croaking sounds expressive of obstructed respiration, he
fulfils his share of the porterage and the benevolent old gentleman
is deposited by his own desire in the parlour of the Sol’s Arms.
“Oh, Lord!” gasps Mr. Smallweed, looking about him, breathless, from
an arm-chair. “Oh, dear me! Oh, my bones and back! Oh, my aches and
pains! Sit down, you dancing, prancing, shambling, scrambling
poll-parrot! Sit down!”
This little apostrophe to Mrs. Smallweed is occasioned by a
propensity on the part of that unlucky old lady whenever she finds
herself on her feet to amble about and “set” to inanimate objects,
accompanying herself with a chattering noise, as in a witch dance. A
nervous affection has probably as much to do with these
demonstrations as any imbecile intention in the poor old woman, but
on the present occasion they are so particularly lively in connexion
with the Windsor arm-chair, fellow to that in which Mr. Smallweed is
seated, that she only quite desists when her grandchildren have held
her down in it, her lord in the meanwhile bestowing upon her, with
great volubility, the endearing epithet of “a pig-headed jackdaw,”
repeated a surprising number of times.
“My dear sir,” Grandfather Smallweed then proceeds, addressing Mr.
Guppy, “there has been a calamity here. Have you heard of it, either
of you?”
“Heard of it, sir! Why, we discovered it.”
“You discovered it. You two discovered it! Bart, THEY discovered it!”
The two discoverers stare at the Smallweeds, who return the
compliment.
“My dear friends,” whines Grandfather Smallweed, putting out both his
hands, “I owe you a thousand thanks for discharging the melancholy
office of discovering the ashes of Mrs. Smallweed’s brother.”
“Eh?” says Mr. Guppy.
“Mrs. Smallweed’s brother, my dear friend—her only relation. We were
not on terms, which is to be deplored now, but he never WOULD be on
terms. He was not fond of us. He was eccentric—he was very
eccentric. Unless he has left a will (which is not at all likely) I
shall take out letters of administration. I have come down to look
after the property; it must be sealed up, it must be protected. I
have come down,” repeats Grandfather Smallweed, hooking the air
towards him with all his ten fingers at once, “to look after the
property.”
“I think, Small,” says the disconsolate Mr. Guppy, “you might have
mentioned that the old man was your uncle.”
“You two were so close about him that I thought you would like me to
be the same,” returns that old bird with a secretly glistening eye.
“Besides, I wasn’t proud of him.”
“Besides which, it was nothing to you, you know, whether he was or
not,” says Judy. Also with a secretly glistening eye.
“He never saw me in his life to know me,” observed Small; “I don’t
know why I should introduce HIM, I am sure!”
“No, he never communicated with us, which is to be deplored,” the old
gentleman strikes in, “but I have come to look after the property—to
look over the papers, and to look after the property. We shall make
good our title. It is in the hands of my solicitor. Mr. Tulkinghorn,
of Lincoln’s Inn Fields, over the way there, is so good as to act as
my solicitor; and grass don’t grow under HIS feet, I can tell ye.
Krook was Mrs. Smallweed’s only brother; she had no relation but
Krook, and Krook had no relation but Mrs. Smallweed. I am speaking of
your brother, you brimstone black-beetle, that was seventy-six years
of age.”
Mrs. Smallweed instantly begins to shake her head and pipe up,
“Seventy-six pound seven and sevenpence! Seventy-six thousand bags of
money! Seventy-six hundred thousand million of parcels of
bank-notes!”
“Will somebody give me a quart pot?” exclaims her exasperated
husband, looking helplessly about him and finding no missile within
his reach. “Will somebody obleege me with a spittoon? Will somebody