Bleak House
Charley, with her best curtsy, blushingly tied on her bonnet and went
her way. When she was gone, Lady Dedlock sat down on the seat beside
me.
I cannot tell in any words what the state of my mind was when I saw
in her hand my handkerchief with which I had covered the dead baby.
I looked at her, but I could not see her, I could not hear her, I
could not draw my breath. The beating of my heart was so violent and
wild that I felt as if my life were breaking from me. But when she
caught me to her breast, kissed me, wept over me, compassionated me,
and called me back to myself; when she fell down on her knees and
cried to me, “Oh, my child, my child, I am your wicked and unhappy
mother! Oh, try to forgive me!”—when I saw her at my feet on the
bare earth in her great agony of mind, I felt, through all my tumult
of emotion, a burst of gratitude to the providence of God that I was
so changed as that I never could disgrace her by any trace of
likeness, as that nobody could ever now look at me and look at her
and remotely think of any near tie between us.
I raised my mother up, praying and beseeching her not to stoop before
me in such affliction and humiliation. I did so in broken, incoherent
words, for besides the trouble I was in, it frightened me to see her
at MY feet. I told her—or I tried to tell her—that if it were for
me, her child, under any circumstances to take upon me to forgive
her, I did it, and had done it, many, many years. I told her that my
heart overflowed with love for her, that it was natural love which
nothing in the past had changed or could change. That it was not for
me, then resting for the first time on my mother’s bosom, to take her
to account for having given me life, but that my duty was to bless
her and receive her, though the whole world turned from her, and that
I only asked her leave to do it. I held my mother in my embrace, and
she held me in hers, and among the still woods in the silence of the
summer day there seemed to be nothing but our two troubled minds that
was not at peace.
“To bless and receive me,” groaned my mother, “it is far too late. I
must travel my dark road alone, and it will lead me where it will.
From day to day, sometimes from hour to hour, I do not see the way
before my guilty feet. This is the earthly punishment I have brought
upon myself. I bear it, and I hide it.”
Even in the thinking of her endurance, she drew her habitual air of
proud indifference about her like a veil, though she soon cast it off
again.
“I must keep this secret, if by any means it can be kept, not wholly
for myself. I have a husband, wretched and dishonouring creature that
I am!”
These words she uttered with a suppressed cry of despair, more
terrible in its sound than any shriek. Covering her face with her
hands, she shrank down in my embrace as if she were unwilling that I
should touch her; nor could I, by my utmost persuasions or by any
endearments I could use, prevail upon her to rise. She said, no, no,
no, she could only speak to me so; she must be proud and disdainful
everywhere else; she would be humbled and ashamed there, in the only
natural moments of her life.
My unhappy mother told me that in my illness she had been nearly
frantic. She had but then known that her child was living. She could
not have suspected me to be that child before. She had followed me
down here to speak to me but once in all her life. We never could
associate, never could communicate, never probably from that time
forth could interchange another word on earth. She put into my hands
a letter she had written for my reading only and said when I had read
it and destroyed it—but not so much for her sake, since she asked
nothing, as for her husband’s and my own—I must evermore consider
her as dead. If I could believe that she loved me, in this agony in
which I saw her, with a mother’s love, she asked me to do that, for
then I might think of her with a greater pity, imagining what she
suffered. She had put herself beyond all hope and beyond all help.
Whether she preserved her secret until death or it came to be
discovered and she brought dishonour and disgrace upon the name she
had taken, it was her solitary struggle always; and no affection
could come near her, and no human creature could render her any aid.
“But is the secret safe so far?” I asked. “Is it safe now, dearest
mother?”
“No,” replied my mother. “It has been very near discovery. It was
saved by an accident. It may be lost by another accident—to-morrow,
any day.”
“Do you dread a particular person?”
“Hush! Do not tremble and cry so much for me. I am not worthy of
these tears,” said my mother, kissing my hands. “I dread one person
very much.”
“An enemy?”
“Not a friend. One who is too passionless to be either. He is Sir
Leicester Dedlock’s lawyer, mechanically faithful without attachment,
and very jealous of the profit, privilege, and reputation of being
master of the mysteries of great houses.”
“Has he any suspicions?”
“Many.”
“Not of you?” I said alarmed.
“Yes! He is always vigilant and always near me. I may keep him at a
standstill, but I can never shake him off.”
“Has he so little pity or compunction?”
“He has none, and no anger. He is indifferent to everything but his
calling. His calling is the acquisition of secrets and the holding
possession of such power as they give him, with no sharer or opponent
in it.”
“Could you trust in him?”
“I shall never try. The dark road I have trodden for so many years
will end where it will. I follow it alone to the end, whatever the
end be. It may be near, it may be distant; while the road lasts,
nothing turns me.”
“Dear mother, are you so resolved?”
“I AM resolved. I have long outbidden folly with folly, pride with
pride, scorn with scorn, insolence with insolence, and have outlived
many vanities with many more. I will outlive this danger, and outdie
it, if I can. It has closed around me almost as awfully as if these
woods of Chesney Wold had closed around the house, but my course
through it is the same. I have but one; I can have but one.”
“Mr. Jarndyce—” I was beginning when my mother hurriedly inquired,
“Does HE suspect?”
“No,” said I. “No, indeed! Be assured that he does not!” And I told
her what he had related to me as his knowledge of my story. “But he
is so good and sensible,” said I, “that perhaps if he knew—”
My mother, who until this time had made no change in her position,
raised her hand up to my lips and stopped me.
“Confide fully in him,” she said after a little while. “You have my
free consent—a small gift from such a mother to her injured
child!—but do not tell me of it. Some pride is left in me even yet.”
I explained, as nearly as I could then, or can recall now—for my
agitation and distress throughout were so great that I scarcely
understood myself, though every word that was uttered in the mother’s
voice, so unfamiliar and so melancholy to me, which in my childhood I
had never learned to love and recognize, had never been sung to sleep
with, had never heard a blessing from, had never had a hope inspired
by, made an enduring impression on my memory—I say I explained, or
tried to do it, how I had only hoped that Mr. Jarndyce, who had been
the best of fathers to me, might be able to afford some counsel and
support to her. But my mother answered no, it was impossible; no one
could help her. Through the desert that lay before her, she must go
alone.
“My child, my child!” she said. “For the last time! These kisses for
the last time! These arms upon my neck for the last time! We shall
meet no more. To hope to do what I seek to do, I must be what I have
been so long. Such is my reward and doom. If you hear of Lady
Dedlock, brilliant, prosperous, and flattered, think of your wretched
mother, conscience-stricken, underneath that mask! Think that the
reality is in her suffering, in her useless remorse, in her murdering
within her breast the only love and truth of which it is capable! And
then forgive her if you can, and cry to heaven to forgive her, which
it never can!”
We held one another for a little space yet, but she was so firm that
she took my hands away, and put them back against my breast, and with
a last kiss as she held them there, released them, and went from me
into the wood. I was alone, and calm and quiet below me in the sun
and shade lay the old house, with its terraces and turrets, on which
there had seemed to me to be such complete repose when I first saw
it, but which now looked like the obdurate and unpitying watcher of
my mother’s misery.
Stunned as I was, as weak and helpless at first as I had ever been in
my sick chamber, the necessity of guarding against the danger of
discovery, or even of the remotest suspicion, did me service. I took
such precautions as I could to hide from Charley that I had been
crying, and I constrained myself to think of every sacred obligation
that there was upon me to be careful and collected. It was not a
little while before I could succeed or could even restrain bursts of
grief, but after an hour or so I was better and felt that I might
return. I went home very slowly and told Charley, whom I found at the
gate looking for me, that I had been tempted to extend my walk after
Lady Dedlock had left me and that I was over-tired and would lie
down. Safe in my own room, I read the letter. I clearly derived from
it—and that was much then—that I had not been abandoned by my
mother. Her elder and only sister, the godmother of my childhood,
discovering signs of life in me when I had been laid aside as dead,
had in her stern sense of duty, with no desire or willingness that I
should live, reared me in rigid secrecy and had never again beheld my
mother’s face from within a few hours of my birth. So strangely did I
hold my place in this world that until within a short time back I had
never, to my own mother’s knowledge, breathed—had been buried—had
never been endowed with life—had never borne a name. When she had
first seen me in the church she had been startled and had thought of
what would have been like me if it had ever lived, and had lived on,
but that was all then.
What more the letter told me needs not to be repeated here. It has
its own times and places in my story.
My first care was to burn what my mother had written and to consume
even its ashes. I hope it may not appear very unnatural or bad in me
that I then became heavily sorrowful to think I had ever been reared.
That I felt as if I knew it would have been better and happier for
many people if indeed I had never breathed. That I had a terror of
myself as the danger and the possible disgrace of my own mother and
of a proud family name. That I was so confused and shaken as to be
possessed by a belief that it was right and had been intended that I
should die in my birth, and that it was wrong and not intended that I
should be then alive.
These are the real feelings that I had. I fell asleep worn out, and
when I awoke I cried afresh to think that I was back in the world
with my load of trouble for others. I was more than ever frightened
of myself, thinking anew of her against whom I was a witness, of the
owner of Chesney Wold, of the new and terrible meaning of the old
words now moaning in my ear like a surge upon the shore, “Your
mother, Esther, was your disgrace, and you are hers. The time will
come—and soon enough—when you will understand this better, and will
feel it too, as no one save a woman can.” With them, those other
words returned, “Pray daily that the sins of others be not visited
upon your head.” I could not disentangle all that was about me, and I
felt as if the blame and the shame were all in me, and the visitation
had come down.
The day waned into a gloomy evening, overcast and sad, and I still