Bleak House
contended with the same distress. I went out alone, and after walking
a little in the park, watching the dark shades falling on the trees
and the fitful flight of the bats, which sometimes almost touched me,
was attracted to the house for the first time. Perhaps I might not
have gone near it if I had been in a stronger frame of mind. As it
was, I took the path that led close by it.
I did not dare to linger or to look up, but I passed before the
terrace garden with its fragrant odours, and its broad walks, and its
well-kept beds and smooth turf; and I saw how beautiful and grave it
was, and how the old stone balustrades and parapets, and wide flights
of shallow steps, were seamed by time and weather; and how the
trained moss and ivy grew about them, and around the old stone
pedestal of the sun-dial; and I heard the fountain falling. Then the
way went by long lines of dark windows diversified by turreted towers
and porches of eccentric shapes, where old stone lions and grotesque
monsters bristled outside dens of shadow and snarled at the evening
gloom over the escutcheons they held in their grip. Thence the path
wound underneath a gateway, and through a court-yard where the
principal entrance was (I hurried quickly on), and by the stables
where none but deep voices seemed to be, whether in the murmuring of
the wind through the strong mass of ivy holding to a high red wall,
or in the low complaining of the weathercock, or in the barking of
the dogs, or in the slow striking of a clock. So, encountering
presently a sweet smell of limes, whose rustling I could hear, I
turned with the turning of the path to the south front, and there
above me were the balustrades of the Ghost’s Walk and one lighted
window that might be my mother’s.
The way was paved here, like the terrace overhead, and my footsteps
from being noiseless made an echoing sound upon the flags. Stopping
to look at nothing, but seeing all I did see as I went, I was passing
quickly on, and in a few moments should have passed the lighted
window, when my echoing footsteps brought it suddenly into my mind
that there was a dreadful truth in the legend of the Ghost’s Walk,
that it was I who was to bring calamity upon the stately house and
that my warning feet were haunting it even then. Seized with an
augmented terror of myself which turned me cold, I ran from myself
and everything, retraced the way by which I had come, and never
paused until I had gained the lodge-gate, and the park lay sullen and
black behind me.
Not before I was alone in my own room for the night and had again
been dejected and unhappy there did I begin to know how wrong and
thankless this state was. But from my darling who was coming on the
morrow, I found a joyful letter, full of such loving anticipation
that I must have been of marble if it had not moved me; from my
guardian, too, I found another letter, asking me to tell Dame Durden,
if I should see that little woman anywhere, that they had moped most
pitiably without her, that the housekeeping was going to rack and
ruin, that nobody else could manage the keys, and that everybody in
and about the house declared it was not the same house and was
becoming rebellious for her return. Two such letters together made me
think how far beyond my deserts I was beloved and how happy I ought
to be. That made me think of all my past life; and that brought me,
as it ought to have done before, into a better condition.
For I saw very well that I could not have been intended to die, or I
should never have lived; not to say should never have been reserved
for such a happy life. I saw very well how many things had worked
together for my welfare, and that if the sins of the fathers were
sometimes visited upon the children, the phrase did not mean what I
had in the morning feared it meant. I knew I was as innocent of my
birth as a queen of hers and that before my Heavenly Father I should
not be punished for birth nor a queen rewarded for it. I had had
experience, in the shock of that very day, that I could, even thus
soon, find comforting reconcilements to the change that had fallen on
me. I renewed my resolutions and prayed to be strengthened in them,
pouring out my heart for myself and for my unhappy mother and feeling
that the darkness of the morning was passing away. It was not upon my
sleep; and when the next day’s light awoke me, it was gone.
My dear girl was to arrive at five o’clock in the afternoon. How to
help myself through the intermediate time better than by taking a
long walk along the road by which she was to come, I did not know; so
Charley and I and Stubbs—Stubbs saddled, for we never drove him
after the one great occasion—made a long expedition along that road
and back. On our return, we held a great review of the house and
garden and saw that everything was in its prettiest condition, and
had the bird out ready as an important part of the establishment.
There were more than two full hours yet to elapse before she could
come, and in that interval, which seemed a long one, I must confess I
was nervously anxious about my altered looks. I loved my darling so
well that I was more concerned for their effect on her than on any
one. I was not in this slight distress because I at all repined—I am
quite certain I did not, that day—but, I thought, would she be
wholly prepared? When she first saw me, might she not be a little
shocked and disappointed? Might it not prove a little worse than she
expected? Might she not look for her old Esther and not find her?
Might she not have to grow used to me and to begin all over again?
I knew the various expressions of my sweet girl’s face so well, and
it was such an honest face in its loveliness, that I was sure
beforehand she could not hide that first look from me. And I
considered whether, if it should signify any one of these meanings,
which was so very likely, could I quite answer for myself?
Well, I thought I could. After last night, I thought I could. But to
wait and wait, and expect and expect, and think and think, was such
bad preparation that I resolved to go along the road again and meet
her.
So I said to Charley, “Charley, I will go by myself and walk along
the road until she comes.” Charley highly approving of anything that
pleased me, I went and left her at home.
But before I got to the second milestone, I had been in so many
palpitations from seeing dust in the distance (though I knew it was
not, and could not, be the coach yet) that I resolved to turn back
and go home again. And when I had turned, I was in such fear of the
coach coming up behind me (though I still knew that it neither would,
nor could, do any such thing) that I ran the greater part of the way
to avoid being overtaken.
Then, I considered, when I had got safe back again, this was a nice
thing to have done! Now I was hot and had made the worst of it
instead of the best.
At last, when I believed there was at least a quarter of an hour more
yet, Charley all at once cried out to me as I was trembling in the
garden, “Here she comes, miss! Here she is!”
I did not mean to do it, but I ran upstairs into my room and hid
myself behind the door. There I stood trembling, even when I heard my
darling calling as she came upstairs, “Esther, my dear, my love,
where are you? Little woman, dear Dame Durden!”
She ran in, and was running out again when she saw me. Ah, my angel
girl! The old dear look, all love, all fondness, all affection.
Nothing else in it—no, nothing, nothing!
Oh, how happy I was, down upon the floor, with my sweet beautiful
girl down upon the floor too, holding my scarred face to her lovely
cheek, bathing it with tears and kisses, rocking me to and fro like a
child, calling me by every tender name that she could think of, and
pressing me to her faithful heart.
CHAPTER XXXVII
Jarndyce and Jarndyce
If the secret I had to keep had been mine, I must have confided it to
Ada before we had been long together. But it was not mine, and I did
not feel that I had a right to tell it, even to my guardian, unless
some great emergency arose. It was a weight to bear alone; still my
present duty appeared to be plain, and blest in the attachment of my
dear, I did not want an impulse and encouragement to do it. Though
often when she was asleep and all was quiet, the remembrance of my
mother kept me waking and made the night sorrowful, I did not yield
to it at another time; and Ada found me what I used to be—except, of
course, in that particular of which I have said enough and which I
have no intention of mentioning any more just now, if I can help it.
The difficulty that I felt in being quite composed that first evening
when Ada asked me, over our work, if the family were at the house,
and when I was obliged to answer yes, I believed so, for Lady Dedlock
had spoken to me in the woods the day before yesterday, was great.
Greater still when Ada asked me what she had said, and when I replied
that she had been kind and interested, and when Ada, while admitting
her beauty and elegance, remarked upon her proud manner and her
imperious chilling air. But Charley helped me through, unconsciously,
by telling us that Lady Dedlock had only stayed at the house two
nights on her way from London to visit at some other great house in
the next county and that she had left early on the morning after we
had seen her at our view, as we called it. Charley verified the adage
about little pitchers, I am sure, for she heard of more sayings and
doings in a day than would have come to my ears in a month.
We were to stay a month at Mr. Boythorn’s. My pet had scarcely been
there a bright week, as I recollect the time, when one evening after
we had finished helping the gardener in watering his flowers, and
just as the candles were lighted, Charley, appearing with a very
important air behind Ada’s chair, beckoned me mysteriously out of the
room.
“Oh! If you please, miss,” said Charley in a whisper, with her eyes
at their roundest and largest. “You’re wanted at the Dedlock Arms.”
“Why, Charley,” said I, “who can possibly want me at the
public-house?”
“I don’t know, miss,” returned Charley, putting her head forward and
folding her hands tight upon the band of her little apron, which she
always did in the enjoyment of anything mysterious or confidential,
“but it’s a gentleman, miss, and his compliments, and will you please
to come without saying anything about it.”
“Whose compliments, Charley?”
“His’n, miss,” returned Charley, whose grammatical education was
advancing, but not very rapidly.
“And how do you come to be the messenger, Charley?”
“I am not the messenger, if you please, miss,” returned my little
maid. “It was W. Grubble, miss.”
“And who is W. Grubble, Charley?”
“Mister Grubble, miss,” returned Charley. “Don’t you know, miss? The
Dedlock Arms, by W. Grubble,” which Charley delivered as if she were
slowly spelling out the sign.
“Aye? The landlord, Charley?”
“Yes, miss. If you please, miss, his wife is a beautiful woman, but
she broke her ankle, and it never joined. And her brother’s the
sawyer that was put in the cage, miss, and they expect he’ll drink
himself to death entirely on beer,” said Charley.
Not knowing what might be the matter, and being easily apprehensive
now, I thought it best to go to this place by myself. I bade Charley
be quick with my bonnet and veil and my shawl, and having put them
on, went away down the little hilly street, where I was as much at
home as in Mr. Boythorn’s garden.
Mr. Grubble was standing in his shirt-sleeves at the door of his very
clean little tavern waiting for me. He lifted off his hat with both
hands when he saw me coming, and carrying it so, as if it were an
iron vessel (it looked as heavy), preceded me along the sanded