Boswell's Life of Johnson
I told him that I had dined lately at Foote's, who shewed me a letter
which he had received from Tom Davies, telling him that he had not been
able to sleep from the concern which he felt on account of 'This sad
affair of Baretti,' begging of him to try if he could suggest any thing
that might be of service; and, at the same time, recommending to him an
industrious young man who kept a pickle-shop. JOHNSON. 'Ay, Sir, here
you have a specimen of human sympathy; a friend hanged, and a cucumber
pickled. We know not whether Baretti or the pickle-man has kept Davies
from sleep; nor does he know himself. And as to his not sleeping, Sir;
Tom Davies is a very great man; Tom has been upon the stage, and knows
how to do those things. I have not been upon the stage, and cannot
do those things.' BOSWELL. 'I have often blamed myself, Sir, for not
feeling for others as sensibly as many say they do.' JOHNSON. 'Sir,
don't be duped by them any more. You will find these very feeling people
are not very ready to do you good. They PAY you by FEELING.'
BOSWELL. 'Foote has a great deal of humour?' JOHNSON. 'Yes, Sir.'
BOSWELL. 'He has a singular talent of exhibiting character.' JOHNSON.
'Sir, it is not a talent; it is a vice; it is what others abstain from.
It is not comedy, which exhibits the character of a species, as that
of a miser gathered from many misers: it is farce, which exhibits
individuals.' BOSWELL. 'Did not he think of exhibiting you, Sir?'
JOHNSON. 'Sir, fear restrained him; he knew I would have broken his
bones. I would have saved him the trouble of cutting off a leg; I would
not have left him a leg to cut off.' BOSWELL. 'Pray, Sir, is not
Foote an infidel?' JOHNSON. 'I do not know, Sir, that the fellow is
an infidel; but if he be an infidel, he is an infidel as a dog is
an infidel; that is to say, he has never thought upon the subject.'*
BOSWELL. 'I suppose, Sir, he has thought superficially, and seized the
first notions which occurred to his mind.' JOHNSON. 'Why then, Sir,
still he is like a dog, that snatches the piece next him. Did you never
observe that dogs have not the power of comparing? A dog will take a
small bit of meat as readily as a large, when both are before him.'
* When Mr. Foote was at Edinburgh, he thought fit to
entertain a numerous Scotch company, with a great deal of
coarse jocularity, at the expense of Dr. Johnson, imagining
it would be acceptable. I felt this as not civil to me; but
sat very patiently till he had exhausted his merriment on
that subject; and then observed, that surely Johnson must be
allowed to have some sterling wit, and that I had heard him
say a very good thing of Mr. Foote himself. 'Ah, my old
friend Sam (cried Foote,) no man says better things; do let
us have it.' Upon which I told the above story, which
produced a very loud laugh from the company. But I never
saw Foote so disconcerted.--BOSWELL.
BOSWELL. 'What do you think of Dr. Young's Night Thoughts, Sir?'
JOHNSON. 'Why, Sir, there are very fine things in them.' BOSWELL.
'Is there not less religion in the nation now, Sir, than there was
formerly?' JOHNSON. 'I don't know, Sir, that there is.' BOSWELL. 'For
instance, there used to be a chaplain in every great family, which we do
not find now.' JOHNSON. 'Neither do you find any of the state servants,
which great families used formerly to have. There is a change of modes
in the whole department of life.'
Next day, October 20, he appeared, for the only time I suppose in his
life, as a witness in a Court of Justice, being called to give evidence
to the character of Mr. Baretti, who having stabbed a man in the
street, was arraigned at the Old Bailey for murder. Never did such
a constellation of genius enlighten the aweful Sessions-House,
emphatically called JUSTICE HALL; Mr. Burke, Mr. Garrick, Mr. Beauclerk,
and Dr. Johnson: and undoubtedly their favourable testimony had due
weight with the Court and Jury. Johnson gave his evidence in a slow,
deliberate, and distinct manner, which was uncommonly impressive. It is
well known that Mr. Baretti was acquitted.
On the 26th of October, we dined together at the Mitre tavern. I found
fault with Foote for indulging his talent of ridicule at the expence of
his visitors, which I colloquially termed making fools of his company.
JOHNSON. 'Why, Sir, when you go to see Foote, you do not go to see a
saint: you go to see a man who will be entertained at your house, and
then bring you on a publick stage; who will entertain you at his house,
for the very purpose of bringing you on a publick stage. Sir, he does
not make fools of his company; they whom he exposes are fools already:
he only brings them into action.'
We went home to his house to tea. Mrs. Williams made it with sufficient
dexterity, notwithstanding her blindness, though her manner of
satisfying herself that the cups were full enough appeared to me a
little aukward; for I fancied she put her finger down a certain way,
till she felt the tea touch it.* In my first elation at being allowed
the privilege of attending Dr. Johnson at his late visits to this lady,
which was like being e secretioribus consiliis, I willingly drank cup
after cup, as if it had been the Heliconian spring. But as the charm of
novelty went off, I grew more fastidious; and besides, I discovered that
she was of a peevish temper.
* Boswell afterwards learned that she felt the rising tea on
the outside of the cup.--ED.
There was a pretty large circle this evening. Dr. Johnson was in very
good humour, lively, and ready to talk upon all subjects. Mr. Fergusson,
the self-taught philosopher, told him of a new-invented machine which
went without horses: a man who sat in it turned a handle, which worked a
spring that drove it forward. 'Then, Sir, (said Johnson,) what is
gained is, the man has his choice whether he will move himself alone, or
himself and the machine too.' Dominicetti being mentioned, he would not
allow him any merit. 'There is nothing in all this boasted system. No,
Sir; medicated baths can be no better than warm water: their only effect
can be that of tepid moisture.' One of the company took the other
side, maintaining that medicines of various sorts, and some too of most
powerful effect, are introduced into the human frame by the medium
of the pores; and, therefore, when warm water is impregnated with
salutiferous substances, it may produce great effects as a bath. This
appeared to me very satisfactory. Johnson did not answer it; but talking
for victory, and determined to be master of the field, he had recourse
to the device which Goldsmith imputed to him in the witty words of one
of Cibber's comedies: 'There is no arguing with Johnson; for when his
pistol misses fire, he knocks you down with the butt end of it.' He
turned to the gentleman, 'well, Sir, go to Dominicetti, and get thyself
fumigated; but be sure that the steam be directed to thy HEAD, for THAT
is the PECCANT PART.' This produced a triumphant roar of laughter from
the motley assembly of philosophers, printers, and dependents, male and
female.
I know not how so whimsical a thought came into my mind, but I asked,
'If, Sir, you were shut up in a castle, and a newborn child with you,
what would you do?' JOHNSON. 'Why, Sir, I should not much like my
company.' BOSWELL. 'But would you take the trouble of rearing it?' He
seemed, as may well be supposed, unwilling to pursue the subject: but
upon my persevering in my question, replied, 'Why yes, Sir, I would; but
I must have all conveniencies. If I had no garden, I would make a shed
on the roof, and take it there for fresh air. I should feed it, and wash
it much, and with warm water to please it, not with cold water to give
it pain.' BOSWELL. 'But, Sir, does not heat relax?' JOHNSON. 'Sir, you
are not to imagine the water is to be very hot. I would not CODDLE the
child. No, Sir, the hardy method of treating children does no good.
I'll take you five children from London, who shall cuff five Highland
children. Sir, a man bred in London will carry a burthen, or run, or
wrestle, as well as a man brought up in the hardiest manner in the
country.' BOSWELL. 'Good living, I suppose, makes the Londoners strong.'
JOHNSON. 'Why, Sir, I don't know that it does. Our Chairmen from
Ireland, who are as strong men as any, have been brought up upon
potatoes. Quantity makes up for quality.' BOSWELL. 'Would you teach this
child that I have furnished you with, any thing?' JOHNSON. 'No, I should
not be apt to teach it.' BOSWELL. 'Would not you have a pleasure
in teaching it?' JOHNSON. 'No, Sir, I should NOT have a pleasure in
teaching it.' BOSWELL. 'Have you not a pleasure in teaching men?--THERE
I have you. You have the same pleasure in teaching men, that I should
have in teaching children.' JOHNSON. 'Why, something about that.'
I had hired a Bohemian as my servant while I remained in London, and
being much pleased with him, I asked Dr. Johnson whether his being
a Roman Catholick should prevent my taking him with me to Scotland.
JOHNSON. 'Why no, Sir, if HE has no objection, you can have none.'
BOSWELL. 'So, Sir, you are no great enemy to the Roman Catholick
religion.' JOHNSON. 'No more, Sir, than to the Presbyterian religion.'
BOSWELL. 'You are joking.' JOHNSON. 'No, Sir, I really think so. Nay,
Sir, of the two, I prefer the Popish.' BOSWELL. 'How so, Sir?' JOHNSON.
'Why, Sir, the Presbyterians have no church, no apostolical ordination.'
BOSWELL. 'And do you think that absolutely essential, Sir?' JOHNSON.
'Why, Sir, as it was an apostolical institution, I think it is dangerous
to be without it. And, Sir, the Presbyterians have no public worship:
they have no form of prayer in which they know they are to join. They go
to hear a man pray, and are to judge whether they will join with him.'
I proceeded: 'What do you think, Sir, of Purgatory, as believed by the
Roman Catholicks?' JOHNSON. 'Why, Sir, it is a very harmless doctrine.
They are of opinion that the generality of mankind are neither so
obstinately wicked as to deserve everlasting punishment, nor so good
as to merit being admitted into the society of blessed spirits; and
therefore that God is graciously pleased to allow of a middle state,
where they may be purified by certain degrees of suffering. You see,
Sir, there is nothing unreasonable in this.' BOSWELL. 'But then,
Sir, their masses for the dead?' JOHNSON. 'Why, Sir, if it be once
established that there are souls in purgatory, it is as proper to pray
for THEM, as for our brethren of mankind who are yet in this life.'
BOSWELL. 'The idolatry of the Mass?' JOHNSON. 'Sir, there is no idolatry
in the Mass. They believe god to be there, and they adore him.' BOSWELL.
'The worship of Saints?' JOHNSON. 'Sir, they do not worship saints; they
invoke them; they only ask their prayers. I am talking all this time
of the DOCTRINES of the Church of Rome. I grant you that in PRACTICE,
Purgatory is made a lucrative imposition, and that the people do become
idolatrous as they recommend themselves to the tutelary protection of
particular saints. I think their giving the sacrament only in one
kind is criminal, because it is contrary to the express institution of
CHRIST, and I wonder how the Council of Trent admitted it.' BOSWELL.
'Confession?' JOHNSON. 'Why, I don't know but that is a good thing. The
scripture says, "Confess your faults one to another," and the priests
confess as well as the laity. Then it must be considered that their
absolution is only upon repentance, and often upon penance also. You
think your sins may be forgiven without penance, upon repentance alone.'
When we were alone, I introduced the subject of death, and endeavoured
to maintain that the fear of it might be got over. I told him that David