Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1
The wrath of the household away.
The girls that are wanted are girls of sense,
Whom fashion can never deceive;
Who can follow whatever is pretty,
And dare what is silly to leave.
The girls that are wanted are careful girls,
Who count what a thing will cost.
Who use with a prudent generous hand,
But see that nothing is lost.
The girls that are wanted are girls with hearts,
They are wanted for mothers and wives,
Wanted to cradle in loving arms
The strongest and frailest lives.
The clever, the witty, the brilliant girl,
There are few who can understand,
But, oh! for the wise, loving home girls
There's a constant steady demand.
Girl's Names
Francis, is "unrestrained and free;"
Bertha, "pellucid, purely bright;"
Clara, "clear" as the crystal sea;
Lucy, a star of radiant "light;"
Catherine, is "pure" as mountain air;
Barbara, cometh "from afar;"
Mabel, is "like a lily fair;"
Henrietta, a soft, sweet "star;"
Felicia, is a "happy girl;"
Matilda, is a "lady true;"
Margaret, is a shining "pearl;"
Rebecca, "with the faithful few;"
Susan, is a "lily white;"
Jane has the "willow's" curve and grace;
Cecilia, dear, is "dim of sight;"
Sophia, shows "wisdom" on her face;
Constance, is firm and "resolute;"
Grace, a delicious "favour meet;"
Charlotte, "noble, of good repute;"
Harriet, a fine "odour sweet;"
Isabella, is "a lady rare;"
Lucinda, "constant" as the day;
Maria, means a "lady fair;"
Abigail, "joyful as the May;"
Elizabeth, "an oath of trust;"
Adeline, "nice princess, proud;"
Agatha, "is truly good and just;"
Leila, "a joy of love avowed;"
Jemima, "a soft sound in air;"
Caroline, "a sweet spirit, hale;"
Cornelia, "harmonious and fair;"
Selina, "a sweet nightingale;"
Lydia, "a refreshing well;"
Judith, "a song of sacred praise;"
Julia, "a jewel none excel;"
Priscilla, "ancient of days."
Kate
There's something in the name of Kate
Which many will condemn;
But listen now while I relate
The traits of some of them.
There's deli-Kate, a modest dame,
She's worthy of your love!
She's nice and beautiful a flame,
And gentle as a dove,
Communi-Kate's intelligent,
As we may well suppose;
Her fruitful mind is ever bent
On telling all she knows.
There's intri-Kate, she's so obscure
'Tis hard to find her out;
For she is often very sure
To put your wits to rout.
Prevari-Kate's a surly maid,
She's sure to have her way;
The cavilling, contrary jade,
Objects to all you say.
There's alter-Kate, a perfect pest;
Much given to dispute;
Her prattling tongue can never rest,
You cannot her refute.
Then dislo-Kate, is quite a fret,
Who fails to gain her point;
Her case is quite unfortunate
And sorely out of joint.
Equivo-Kate no one will woo--
The thing would be absurd.
She is so faithless and untrue,
You cannot take her word.
There's vindi-Kate, she's good and true,
And strives with all her might
Her duty faithfully to do
And battles for the right.
There's rusti-Kate, a country lass,
Quite fond of rural scenes;
She likes to ramble through the grass
And through the evergreens.
Of all the maidens you can find,
There's none like edu-Kate;
Because she elevates the mind
And aims at something great.
[Page 25--Girl Land]
Coles Electro-micro Scolding Machine For Scolding Naughty Girls
Cole's Electro-micro Scolding Machine is a combination of three
instruments, the Phonograph, the Microphone, and the Wonderphone.
The Phonograph is an instrument that will preserve words for any
length of time. Any person can speak, sing, whistle, or scold into a
Phonograph, and months or years afterwards by simply turning a handle
the same sounds can be reproduced a dozen, a hundred, or a thousand
times in the exact voice of the person who spoke them in; so that if
a man or a woman, who is a great scold, speak some good, loud, severe
scolding into a Phonograph, the mildest teacher can then scold her
pupils, or the kindest mother her children, just by turning the
handle.
The Microphone is an instrument that magnifies sound in the same way
as a microscope magnifies objects; a very powerful microphone
magnifies the sound of a fly walking into a loud tramping footstep,
the tick of a watch into a deafening clatter, and a whisper into a
loud shout. Take a Microphone, then properly affix it to the
Phonograph described above, and you have a good Scolding Machine;
turn the handle, and as the Phonograph gives out the scoldings, the
microphone part magnifies them so loudly that they are heard for a
considerable distance.
The Wonderphone (Cole's own secret) is another remarkable instrument;
it will cause sound to travel very distinctly, but frightfully and
equally loud, for forty miles in all directions; by attaching this
powerful instrument to the combination of the other two, Cole's
Electro-micro Scolding Machine is formed--and which is the first
Scolding Machine ever invented. If the machine is already _charged_
by having had some scolding spoken, or even whispered into it, give
the handle a turn, and forty miles to the east, forty miles to the
west, forty to the north, forty to the south, forty up in the sky,
and down in the mines forty miles deep, in fact forty miles in every
direction, everybody can clearly hear every word being said to the
girl being scolded. Suppose for instance, Hannah Maria Smith had done
something wrong in school, the schoolmistress could give the handle
of the machine a turn, and it would scold her so loudly that her
mother, and father, and brothers, and sisters, and uncles, and aunts,
and friends, and those she didn't like would all hear her scolded.
The machine can be charged on the instant by anyone scolding into it.
In fact the whole value of Cole's Scolding Machine lies in its power
to repeat out exceedingly loud whatever is spoken into it.
If the schoolmistress chooses she can put the scolding into verse, so
that all who hear it in the forty miles around, can more easily
remember it. The machine that I have before me now, was charged this
morning for an aristocratic school and speaks as follows:--Silence!!
Attention!!!
Ada Alice Arabella Angelina Andal,
Why do you talk for ever, such a tittle-tattling scandal?
Betsy Bertha Bridget Belinda Bowing,
Will you be quiet and go on with your sewing?
Cora Caroline Christina Clarinda Clare,
Now do look in the glass at your untidy hair.
Dorah Dinah Dorothy Dorinda Dresson,
You really must get on with your short drawing lesson.
Edith Ellen Evelina Elizabeth Eadle,
This makes this day your nineteenth broken needle.
Fanny Florence Frederica Florinda Flynn,
How cruel of you to prick Jane with a pin.
Grace Gertrude Genevieve Georgina Grimble,
You careless girl to lose your silver thimble.
Hilda Hanna Harriet Henrietta Hawker,
You really are a most inveterate talker.
Ida Izod Irene Isabella Inching,
You spiteful--stop that scratching and pinching.
Jane Julia Josephine Jemima Jesson,
Sit down at once and learn your music lesson.
Kate Kester Katrina Kathleen Kent,
You're vulgar, saucy, rude and insolent.
Lizzie Letitia Lucretia Lorinda Loeries,
You're the champion of the world for telling stories.
Maud Mary Martha Matilda Moyes,
Sends letters to, and flirts with, naughty boys.
Nancy Nelly Ninette Naomi Nations,
Shame of you to talk 'gainst other girls' relations.
Olive Osberta Orphelia Octavia O'Dyke,
Your conduct is outrageous and unladylike.
Polly Patience Prudence Paulina Pitt,
You really are our champion tell-tale-tit.
Quilla Quintina Quinburga Quendrida Quirk,
How very, very, dirty you have made your fancy-work.
Rose Ruth Rachel Rebecca Ritting,
Now stop that crying and get on with your knitting.
Sarah Sophia Selina Susannah Stacies,
Don't spoil your face by making those grimaces.
Tilda Theresa Tabitha Theodora Tapping,
You'd gain the prize if one was given for slapping.
Una Ursula Urica Urania Urls,
You'd gain the prize for teasing little girls.
Venus Violet Victoria Veronica Vo-shi,
Just learn your task and put away that crochet.
Wilmett Walberg Winefride Wilhelmina Wriggling,
Now once for all do stop that stupid giggling.
Xenodice Xanthippe Xanthisa Xenophona X-cess,
You think and talk of nothing else but dress! dress!
Yana Yulga Yapeena Yestina Young,
Will you behave yourself and just draw in your tongue.
And lastly and worst of all, you,
Zoe Zora Zillah Zenobia Zeen,
How dare you! how dare you!! yes, how dare you!!!
Sneer at the boy's new whipping Machine.
Notice To The Public
If a schoolmistress chooses to live a hundred or a thousand miles
away from her school, she can use the Scolding Machine by means of a
_Telephone_ attached thereto.
One great advantage of the Electro-micro Scolding Machine is, that
after it has been in use a short time the girls will all have been
shamed into good behaviour; but the Machine will not become useless,
as it can, without a farthing outlay, be turned into a Praising
Machine, for it can be made to praise in a gentle voice as well as
scold in a harsh one. In fact, as said above it will repeat in exact
tones, anything that is recited, preached, sung, whistled, whispered,
shouted, scolded or praised into it--and any of which will be heard
for forty miles around.
Cole can supply Scolding Machines from L5 to L50. A very good one
(The Excelsior), price L10, can be charged in one minute, and set
going like a musical box, and will sing, whistle, recite, preach, or
scold away for a full hour without stopping. Cole would particularly
recommend this one to the ladies, it would make a fine ornament for
their own table.
Final Notice Extraordinary--If the champion male scold of the world,
and the champion female scold of the world, will call on Professor
Cole, at the Book Arcade, Melbourne, he will give them both good
wages, and find them constant employment at charging Scolding
Machines. If any wife has got the champion male scold for a husband,
she will please to let me know. If any husband has got the champion
female scold for a wife, he will please to let me know--L10 bonus
for information in each case.
E.W. Cole
[Page 26--Good Girls]
Jenny Lee
An orphan child was Jenny Lee;
Her father, he was dead.
And very hard her mother worked;
To get the children bread.
In winter time, she often rose
Long ere the day was light,
And left her orphan family,
Till dark again at night.
And she would always say to Jane,
Before she went away;
"Be sure you mind the little ones,
And don't go out to play.
"Keep baby quiet in his bed,
As long as he will lie;
Then take him up, and dance him well,
Don't leave him there to cry.
"And don't let little Christopher,
Get down into the street,
For fear he meets an accident
Beneath the horse's feet.
"And mind about the fire, child,
And keep a tidy floor;
We never need be dirty, Jane,
Although we may be poor.
"Good-by my precious comforter,
For all the neighbours say,
That I can trust my little maid,
Whenever I'm away."
Then Jenny she was quite as proud
As England's noble Queen,
And she resolved to do the work,
And keep the dwelling clean.
She did not stop to waste her time,
But very brisk was she,
And worked as hard and cheerfully
As any busy bee.