About this book

Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1

E. W. Cole

"Instead of nearly killing, overawe them with a look." From the Bible School of Cambridge wrote Professor William Brying: "Well whip them with a birchen rod, and never mind their crying." From the Blue Coat School of London wrote Professor Rupert Gower: "At arm's length make them hold a book the space of half-an-hour." From the Naval School of Liverpool wrote head-master Mr. Jointer: "Just rap them on the knuckles with a common teacher's pointer." From the People's School of Manchester wrote head-master Mr. Flowers: "Make them kneel down as still as death for just about two hours." From the Infant School of Birmingham wrote Professor Dory Heller: "Just put on them a fool's cap, marked 'dunce,' 'thief,' or 'story-teller'." From the Charity school of Sheffield wrote head-master, Mr. Clay: "If the boys are disobedient, do not let them out to play." From the Gentleman's School at Brighton wrote Professor Robert Flask: "If the boys will act unruly, why, just make them do a task." From the National School of Bristol wrote Professor Mark Groom: "If the boys are extra naughty, shut them in a dark room." From the District School of Edenburgh wrote head-master, Mr. Glass: "The naughty boys should all be sent to the bottom of the class." From the Mixed School of Glasgow wrote Professor Duncan Law: "To keep a proper kind of school, just use the three-tailed taw." From the Latin School of Dublin wrote Professor Patrick Clayrence: "If the boys are very bad boys, write a letter to their parents." From the Mission School, Calcutta, wrote the Rev. Mr. Mac Look: "Try them by a boy jury, write the verdict in a black-book." From the Lyceum of New York wrote Professor Henry Bothing: "Take your delinquent boys one hour and make them sit on nothing." From the Public School, Chicago, wrote head-master, Mr. Norrids: "If they will not behave themselves, why, just you slap their foreheads." From, the Academy of San Francisco wrote head-master, Mr. Power: "Make them stoop and hold their fingers on the floor for just an hour." From the Mormon School of Utah wrote Professor Orson Pratt: "First strip and make them fast, and then just use the little cat." From the King's College, Lisbon, wrote Professor Don Cassiers: "If you want to make them good boys, pull, pinch, and twist their ears." From the Cadet's School of Paris wrote Professor Monsieur Sour: "Just make them hold their hands above their heads for one full hour." From the Royal School of Amsterdam wrote Professor Vander Tooler: "If they will not behave themselves, just trounce them with a ruler." From the Model School of Pekin wrote Professor Cha Han Coo: "Just put their hands into the stocks and beat with a bamboo." From the Normal School of Moscow wrote Professor Ivan Troute: "To make your boys the best of boys, why, just use the knout." From the Muslim School of Cairo wrote the Mufti, Pasha Saido: "Upon the bare soles of their feet give them the bastinado." From the Common School of Berlin wrote Professor Von de Rind: "There's nothing like the old, old way that ever could I find; Just lay them right across your knee and cane them well behind. I've only just been speaking mit mine goot frien', Doctor Whistim, And he says that it does no harm, but is felt throughout the system." At last, as I was thinking deep how puzzling all this looks, I received a tempting offer from a certain Mr. Snooks. His "great machine to whip with speed" I brought with flusteration, But to see just how it did succeed you view the illustration. And then look at "Professor Cole's Gentle Persuader." next page. [Page 41--Whipping Machine]
Illustration note[Illustration: Cole's Patent Whipping Machine.]
Cole's Patent Whipping Machine for Flogging Naughty Boys in School Testimonial from a Schoolmaster _(To Mr. Cole, Book Arcade, Melbourne)_ SIR--Your Patent Flogger is a "keen" Success as a labor-saving machine; 'Twill yet be held in great esteem, Already 'tis the Poet's theme; It's the greatest patent that's ever been In or out of a schoolroom seen; And as you have got it to go by steam, School-life will now be all serene. I have not had a bad boy remaining now, but before I used your machine they used to be a frightful lot of young scamps. For instance, in my school of 1000, the first day the machine was introduced, 741 were punished for various misdeeds, and 103 for single offences, were flogged as follows:-- John Hawking, for talking William Winning, for grinning George Highing, for crying Edward Daring, for swearing Henry Wheeling, for stealing Peter Bitting, for spitting Robert Hocking, for smoking Frederick Mention, for inattention Joseph Footing, for pea-shooting Luke Jones, for throwing stones Matthew Sauter, for squirting water Nicholas Storms, for upsetting forms Reuben Wrens, for spoiling pens Samuel Jinks, for spilling ink Simon McLeod, for laughing aloud Timothy Stacies, for making faces Victor Bloomers, for taking lunars Vincent James, for calling names Caleb Hales, for telling tales Daniel Padley, for writing badly David Jessons, for cribbing lessons Edmond Gate, for coming late Ezra Lopen, for leaving the door open Edwin Druent, for playing the truant Charles Case, for leaving his place Ernest Jewell, for eating during school Coo Ah Hi, for using a shanghai Francis Berindo, for breaking a window Harold Tate, for breaking his slate Isaac Joys, for making noise Jacob Crook, for tearing his book Christopher Moyes, for teasing other boys Elisha Sewell, for bolting from school Conrad Draper, for throwing chewed paper Ebenezer Good, for telling a falsehood Felix Snooks, for coming without books Cyril Froude, for speaking too loud Elijah Rowe, for speaking too low Gregory Meek, for refusing to speak Hannibal Hartz, for throwing paper darts Horace Poole, for whistling in school Hubert Shore, for slamming the door Jesse Blane, for hiding the cane Jonah Platts, for hiding boys' hats Aaron Esk, for cutting the desk Abner Rule, for sleeping in school Adam Street, for changing his seat Albert Mayne, for splitting the teacher's cane Alexander Tressons, for reading during other lessons Alfred Hoole, for eating lollies in school Ambrose Hooke, for blotting his copy-book Amos Blair, for not combing his hair Andrew Grace, for not washing his face Anthony Sands, for not washing his hands Arnold Cootz, for coming in with dirty boots Benjamin Guess, for coming with untidy dress Clarence Hyneman, for annoying a stray Chinaman Michael McToole, for bringing stones to school Cuthbert Flindow, for climbing through the window Edgar Gasking, for going without asking Eric Grout, for kicking boys' hats about Enoch McKay, for pinching the next boy Gabriel Cook, for tearing a boy's book Hyram Pope, for pulling the bell rope Humphrey Proof, for getting on the roof Jonah Earls, for chasing school-girls Jonathan Spence, for climbing over the fence Phillip Cannister, for sliding down the bannister Lambert Hesk, for sliding on a desk Lawrence Storm, for standing on a form Lazarus Beet, for stamping with his feet Leopold Bate, for swinging on the gate Lewis Lesks, for kicking legs of desks Mark Vine, for overstepping the toe-line Nathan Corder, for not marching in order Norman Hall, for scribbling on the wall James Mace, for hitting a boy in the face Thomas Sayers, for pushing boys down the stairs Oswald Hook, for losing a school-book Ralph Chesson, for not knowing his lesson Sampson Skinner, for eating another boy's dinner Solomon Brook, for scribbling in his book Stephen Platt, for chasing the master's cat Neal M'Kimney, dropping a brick down the chimney Theodore Le Soof, for throwing stones on the roof Valentine Rapp, for turning on the water-tap Walter Hope, for climbing up the bell-rope Joshua Gail, for catching flies on the wall Raymond Esk, for sticking pins in the desk Julian State, for drawing pictures on his slate Gerald Astor, for being impudent to the master Augustus Roff, for not taking his hat off Rupert Keats, for fixing pens in boys' seats Maurice Took, for having a dirty copybook Esau Klaster, for drawing caricatures of the master Paul Bhool, for letting a bird loose in school Jabez Breeding, for not knowing the place at reading Levi Stout, for stopping too long when let out Guy M'Gill, sharpening a knife on the window-sill Duncan Heather, pinning two boys' coat-tails together Ezekiel Black, pinning paper on another boy's back Patrick O'Toole, for bursting a paper-bag in school Eli Teet, for putting cobbler's wax on master's seat [Page 42--Dolly Land]
Illustration note[Illustration: Girl Showing Dolly to Polly.]
My Lady Doll My Lady-doll is pretty, My Lady-doll is sweet; I like to show my Lady-doll To every one I meet My Sweet Dolly Rose O sweet, so sweet, Is my Dolly Rose! Just all that I know My Dolly knows; And when I am glad The darling is glad And when I am sad The darling is sad. How dear she is, O, nobody knows, No, no, not even My precious Rose Polly's Dolly Shining eyes, very blue, Opened very wide; Yellow curls, very stiff, Hanging side by side; Chubby cheeks, very pink, Lips red as holly; No ears, and only thumbs-- That's Polly's Dolly. Pretty Doll Oh dear! what a beautiful doll My sister has bought at the fair She says I must call it Miss Poll, And make it a bonnet to wear. Oh pretty new doll, it looks fine! It's cheeks are all covered with red. But pray will it always be mine? And please may I take it to bed? How kind was my sister to buy This dolly with hair that will curl; Perhaps, if you want to know why, It's because I've been a good girl. POEMS FOR CHILDREN
Illustration note[Illustration: Puss with Doll.]
Puss's Doll Now Puss had a doll That Dame Trot bought to please her, And gave it the beautiful Name of Louisa And when Kitty was lonesome Or wanted to play, She'd cry for Loo! Loo! In a comical way. The dolly was petted, Was kissed and caressed, Though often quite roughly It must be confessed And so pleased was Miss Puss With Louisa's fair charms, She took her cat's meat, With the doll in her arms
Illustration note[Illustration: Pussy and Doggy Fighting for Dolly.]
Pussy and Doggy Fighting for Dolly And once, I remember, Oh, sad was the day, The cat answered back In an impudent way. And tray was so jealous, The two had a fight, And between them the doll Was a terrible fright [Page 43--Dolly Land]
Illustration note[Illustration: Dolly Tumbled out of Bed.]
Dolly Tumbled out of Bed 'Tis very well to smile--now, But you gave me such a fright, When I missed you, darling Dolly, In the middle of the night. I thought we played together, And you fell into a stream; Yet I said--just half awaking-- "'Tis nothing but a dream. "For safe upon my pillow Lies her curly golden hair," Then I reached my hand to touch you, But I couldn't find you there. I felt so sad and lonely That I cried, but all in vain; So to see if I could find you, I went off to sleep again.