Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1
Which can be seen, looked at or bought,
By anyone that calls.
The book you wish, the book you want,
Is almost sure to be
Found somewhere in the Book Arcade,
If you will call and see.
(Our Australian Choir has Cockatoos, Laughing Jackasses, Native
Bears, Platypusses, Black Swans, Emus, Magpies, Opossums, and Lyre
Birds, also a BUNYIP to sing deep bass, all the other Animals in the
World sing the chorus, each in his natural voice. The tune is "MARY
HAD A LITTLE LAMB.")
Value Of Books
BOOKS should be found in every house
To form and feed the mind;
They are the best of luxuries
'Tis possible to find.
For all the books in all the world
Are man's greatest treasure;
They make him wish, and bring to him
His best, his choicest pleasure.
BOOKS make his time pass happily
Through many weary hours;
Amuse, compose, instruct his mind,
Enlarge his mental powers.
BOOKS give to him the history
Of each and every land;
BOOKS show him human action's past--
The bad, the good, the grand.
BOOKS show him arts, laws, learnings, faiths
Of every time and place;
BOOKS show him how each thing is made
Used by the human race.
[Page 105--Value Of Books]
BOOKS give to him descriptions of
The world in which we live,
Of the universe around us,
And better still they give.
BOOKS give to him the greatest thoughts
Of all the good and wise;
BOOKS treasure human knowledge up,
And so it never dies.
BOOKS show him all that men have done,
What they have thought and said;
BOOKS show the deeds and wisdom of
The living and the dead.
BOOKS show him all the hopes and fears
Of every race and clan;
BOOKS clearly prove beyond a doubt
The brotherhood of man.
BOOKS give him hopes beyond the grave
Of an immortal life;
BOOKS teach that right and truth and love
Shall banish every strife.
BOOKS teach and please him when a child
In youth and in his prime;
BOOKS give him soothing pleasure when
His health and strength decline.
BOOKS please him in his lonely hours,
Wherever he may roam:
BOOKS please when read aloud among
His loving friends at home.
BOOKS like _strong drink_ will drown his cares,
But do not waste his wealth;
BOOKS leave him _better_, drink the _worse_,
In character and health.
BOOKS therefore, are, of all man buys,
The choicest thing on earth,
BOOKS have, of all his household goods,
The most intrinsic worth.
BOOKS are the greatest blessing out,
The grandest thing we sell,
BOOKS bring more joy, BOOKS do more good
Than mortal tongue can tell.
E. W. Cole
[Page 106--Old Woman Tales]
The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children--such naughty ones too!
She cried, "Oh, dear me, I don't know what to do,
Who would be an old woman and live in a shoe?"
Once ninety little fellows sat down on the floor
And lustily screamed, "We won't cry any more!"
"Then stop crying now," the old woman said,
"The noise you are making goes right through my head."
"Then she gave the boys broth without any bread,
And whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.
She scolded the girls, and said, "Don't make a noise,
Or you shall be served just the same as the boys."
[Page 107--Old Woman Tales]
Mother Goose
Old Mother Goose, when
She wanted to wander,
Would ride through the air
On a very fine gander.
Mother Goose had a house,
'Twas built of wood,
Where an owl at the door
For sentinel stood.
She had a son Jack,
A plain-looking lad,
He was not very good,
Nor yet very bad.
She sent him to market;
A live goose he bought;
Here, mother, says he,
It will not go for nought.
Jack's goose and her gander
They grew very fond;
They'd both eat together,
Or swim in one pond.
Jack found one morning,
As I have been told,
His goose had laid him
An egg of pure gold.
Jack rode to his mother,
The news for to tell,
She call'd him a good boy,
And said it was well.
Hack sold his gold egg
To a rogue of a Jew,
Who cheated him out of
The half of his due.
Then Jack went a-courting
A lady so gay,
As fair as the lily,
And sweet as the May.
The Jew and the Squire
Came behind his back,
And began to belabour
The sides of poor Jack.
Then old Mother Goose
That instant came in,
And turned her son Jack
Into fam'd Harlequin.
She then with her wand
Touch'd the lady so fine,
And turn'd her at once
Into sweet Columbine.
The gold egg in the sea
Was quickly thrown, when
Jack gave a quick dive,
And soon got it again.
The Jew got the goose,
Which he vow'd he would kill,
Resolving at once
His pockets to fill.
Jack's mother came in,
And caught the goose soon,
And mounting its back,
Flew up to the moon.
Old Woman under a Hill
There was an old woman lived under a hill,
Put a mouse in a bag, and sent it to mill;
The Miller declar'd by the point of his knife,
He ne'er saw such a big mouse in his life.
Old Woman under a Hill
There was an old woman lived under a hill;
And if she's not gone, she lives there still.
Old Woman and Three Sons
There was an old woman had three sons;
Jerry, and James, and John.
Jerry was hung, James was drowned;
John was lost, and never was found;
And there was an end of the three sons,
Jerry, and James, and John.
Old Woman who Lived in a Shell
A little old woman, as I've heard tell,
Lived near the sea, in a nice little shell;
She was well off, if she wanted her tea--
She'd plenty of water from out of the sea.
Then if for her dinner she had the least wish,
Of course she had nothing to do but to fish;
So, really, this little old woman did well,
As she didn't pay any rent for the use of the shell.
Old Woman Swallowed
There was an old woman called Nothing-at-all,
Who rejoiced in a dwelling exceedingly small;
A man stretched his mouth to its utmost extent,
And down at one gulp house and old woman went.
Old Woman's Calf
There was an old woman sat spinning,
And that's the first beginning;
She had a calf, and that's half;
She took it by the tail,
And threw it over the wall, and that's all.
Old Woman Drowned
There was an old woman, her name it was Peg;
Her head was of wood, and she wore a cork-leg.
The neighbours all pitched her into the water,
Her leg was drown'd first, and her head followed a'ter.
Old Woman of Stepney
At Stepney there lived,
As every one knows,
An old woman who had
A plum tree on her nose!
The boys, while she slept,
Would cautiously take
The plums from her tree
Before she could wake.
This old woman went
One day to the lawn
Of my Lord Cockagee,
And there saw a fawn.
Having shot him, she tied
His hind legs to her tree,
And so quitted the lawn
Of my Lord Cockagee.
She'd nearly reached home,
When the constable came,
And put her in prison
For killing the game.
While locked in her cell,
She thought again and again
Of how to escape,
But kept thinking in vain.
She considered each plan,
Till she found out a way
Of escaping the prison
In the course of the day.
She cut the plum tree
close off from her nose,
And made a scarecrow,
Dress'd up in her clothes;
This she set on a stool,
With it's back to the wall,
And watch'd near the door
For fear it would fall.
Soon the jailor came in
With her water and bread;
He stared at the figure,
While from prison she fled.
The old woman reached home,
Singing diddle-dee-dee;
And again on her nose
There grew a plum tree.
[Page 108--Old Woman Tales]
Funny Old Women
There was an old person of Smyrna,
Whose Granny once threatened to burn her;
But she seized on the cat,
And said "Granny, burn that!
You incongruous old woman of Smyrna!"
There was an old lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs
To her Uncle's white pigs,
That amusing old lady of Bute.
There was an old lady of Ryde,
Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied,
She purchased some clogs,
And some small spotted dogs,
And frequently walked about Ryde.
There was an old lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer,
When they said "Are you dumb?"
She merely said "Hum!"
That provoking old lady of Parma.
There was an old lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
There was an old person of Crete,
Whose toilet was far from complete,
She dressed in a sack
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous old person of Crete.
There was an old lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook,
She exclaimed "Only look!"
That ecstatic old lady of Wales.
There was an old lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate lady of Clare.
There was an old lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But it's colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
There was an old lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
There was an old lady of Norway,
Who casually sat in a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, "What of that?"
That courageous old lady of Norway.
There was an old lady of Chertsey,
Who made a remarkable curtsey;
She twirled round and round,
Till she sank underground,
Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.
There was an old woman of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly.
She rushed down the Strand,
With a pig in each hand,
But returning in the evening to Anerley.
There was an old lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on the harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished old lady of Welling.
There was an old lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious old lady of Turkey.
Old Woman who went up in a Basket
There was an old woman went up in a basket,
Ninety-nine times as high as the moon;
What she did there I could not but ask it,
For in her hand she carried a broom.
"Old woman, old woman, old woman," quoth I,
"O whither, O whither, O whither, so high?"
"To sweep the cobwebs off the sky,--
And I shall be back again by and by!"
-----
There was an old woman of Prague,
Whose ideas were horribly vague,
She built a balloon,
To examine the moon,
That deluded old woman of Prague.
There was an old woman of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out "Who's afraid?"
Which distracted that virulent bull.
There was an old lady of Poole,