Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil,
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious old lady of Poole.
There was an old lady of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said "How d'ye do?"
She replied "Who are you?"
That distressing old person of Burton.
There was an old lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said "Fiddle-de-dee!"
Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.
There was an old woman of Norwich,
Who lived on nothing but porridge;
Parading the town,
She turned cloak into gown,
That thrifty old woman of Norwich.
There was an old woman of Leeds,
Who spent all her time in good deeds;
She worked for the poor,
Till her fingers were sore,
That pious old woman of Leeds.
There was an old woman in Surrey,
Who was morn, noon, and night in a hurry;
Called her husband a fool,
Drove the children to school,
That worrying old woman in Surrey.
There was an old lady whose bonnet
Came untied when the birds sat upon it;
But she said "I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!"
There was an old lady whose nose
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an old lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
There was an old lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
On which to play tunes with her chin.
There was an old lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
There was a young lady of Hexham,
Contradicted her friends just to vex 'em;
She talked about horses,
And rode on racecourses,
This forward young lady of Hexham.
[Page 109--Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women]
Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women
Angelina Armstrong Abruptly Asked an Advertising Agent About an
Alliterating Advertisement Appearing, Announcing An Astonishing,
Admirable, Attractive, Agreeable, Artistic, And Advanced Australian
Arcade.
Meaning Cole's Book Arcade.
Bridget Bradshaw Bamboozled the Barber's Beautiful Baby By Bouncing
it into Believing a Bandbox to Be a Big Book.
From Coles Book Arcade.
Clarissa Cox Cautiously Crept & Caught with a Candle extinguisher a
Congregation of Catterwauling Cats Conducting a Confounded
Corroboree.
On the roof of Coles Book Arcade.
Dorothy Dwight in the Dark Drew a Decidedly Delightful Drawing,
Depicting a Dictating, Domineering Despot; a Desperate Despoiling
Demogogue; a Disdainful Duchess Dowager; a Dainty, Dressy Dandy,
and a Downright Double-Dealing Dodger.
Which drawing can be inspected at Cole's Book Arcade by anyone who
can see clearly in the Dark.
Eudocia Emul, the Eccentric Epicurian Empress of Ethiopia,
Electrified the East End of Egypt by Eagerly and Easily Eating, as
an Experiment, an Egg, an Eagle, an Emu, and Electrical Eel, and an
Enormous Elephant, larger than the one Exhibited next to Cole's
Book Arcade.
Fanny Fagan's Fine, Flossy, Fashionable Feathers Frequently
Flopped, Flirted, and Flounced Forcibly From Fun.
When she read some of the lively books from Cole's Book Arcade.
Georgina Gubbins Gently, Gracefully, Gravely, Grammatically,
Graphically, and Grandiloquently Grumbled at her Great-Grandmother.
Because she so seldom went to Cole's Book Arcade.
Harriet Hopkins Had an Habitual, Haughty, Harsh, Hasty, Huffy,
Hateful, Hideous, Horrid, Headstrong, Heedless, Hysterical, Habit
of Henpecking Her Husband at Home.
When he would not take her to Cole's Book Arcade, to get a book on
Saturday night.
Isabella Ingram Ironically Inquired of the Illustrious Imperial
Indian If Idleness, Ignorance, Impudence, Intemperance,
Intolerance, Inhumanity, and Infamy.
Were the seven cardinal virtues. She was referred for an answer to
the Instructive books in Cole's Book Arcade.
Jemima Jenkins, the Jerusalem Jewess, Judiciously Jotted Jokes in
her Journal in June on her Journey through Judea to Jericho, beyond
Jordan.
[N.B.--Jericho, beyond Jordan, is about 10,000 miles from Cole's
Book Arcade.]
Kate Kearney Kidnapped a Knave, a Knight, a Khan, a Kaiser and a
King, and Kindly Kept them upon Ketchup, Kale, Kidneys, Kingfishes,
Kittens and Kangaroos.
She did not buy her cookery book at Cole's Book Arcade: he doesn't
sell books showing how to cook Kittens.
Lucy Larkins Lately Let a Lovely, Lonely Lady Look Leisurely at a
Large Live Lobster by the aid of a Lucid Little Lime-Light,
Borrowed from Cole's Book Arcade.
Mary Muggin's Mother Made a Mighty, Monstrous, Mammoth, Monument of
Marmalade jars; Mounted up, and Minutely Minced the Moon into a
Multitude of Magnificent stars.
[N.B.--About 300 bushels of said stars fell on top of Cole's Book
Arcade and may be seen on application.]
Nancy Nuttall was a Nonsensical, Noodlesome, Nincompoopish,
Namby-pamby, Numskulled, Needle-woman; Nevertheless, at Ninety-Nine
she Neatly and Nimbly Nabbed in the Nuptial Noose a Notable Noble
Nabob of Nagpoor.
And directly after the marriage Nagged him into sending for books
to Cole's Book Arcade.
Olivia Oliphant, of Omeo, ordered an Obstinate Old Organ-grinding
Ostrich to Overwhelm with Oil an Olive, an Onion, an Orange, an
Onion, an Orange, an Ocean, and an Oat.
And then go to Cole's Book Arcade and get a book.
Papline Potts, a Poor, Penniless Peasant, Prettily, Pleasantly,
Pathetically and Perfectly Played a Piece of music in a Parlour at
a Pleasure-Palace to a Picked, Packed Party of Particular
Personages, consisting of Peers, Peeresses, Princes and Princesses.
The piece of music was bought Quarter-Price at Cole's Book Arcade.
Quintina Quirk Quarrelled with the Queer, Quaint, Quadroon Queen of
Quito, and Quizzingly Questioned her Quivering, Quaking
Quartermaster.
If he was Quite sure he bought all his pens and pencils at Cole's
Book Arcade.
Ruth Robertson's Rich Rival, Regardless of Right, Rhyme, or Reason,
Recently Ran a Rapid, Rattling Race Round a Regiment of Royal
Russian Red Republicans,
Instead of Running into Cole's Book Arcade.
Seraphina Susanna Selina Sally Snooks, a Sober, Serious, Staid,
Seraphic, and Sentimental Sailoress, Solicited a Situation as
Superior Saloon Stewardess on the Splendid Spanish Steamship
_Salamanca_, and Straightway Stipulated with the Sprightly
Supercargo to Slyly and Suddenly Sail Southward at Sunrise for Six
Shillingsworth of Select Stationery to Cole's Book Arcade.
Theresa Toodles Thatched a Trumpery Tipperary Theatre Three
Thousand and Thirty-Three Times, and Then Took To Table-Turning and
Table-Talking.
But never Turned into nor Talked about Cole's Book Arcade until
afterwards.
Urania Upton was Uncouth, Ungraceful, Unfashionable, Unladylike,
Uninteresting, Unpresentable, and Ugly. She was Unpoetical,
Unmusical, Unlearned, Uncultured, Unimproved, Uninformed,
Unknowing, Unthinking, Unwitty and Unwise. She was Unlively,
Undersized, Unwholesome and Unhealthy. She was Unlovely, Ungentle,
Uncivil, Unsociable, Untameable, and altogether Unendurable. She
was Unkind, Unfeeling, Unloving, Unthankful, Ungrateful, Unwilling,
Unruly, Unreasonable, Unwomanly, Unworthy, Unmotherly, Undutious,
Unmerciful, Untruthful, Unfair, Unjust and Unprincipled. She was
Unpunctual, Unthrifty, Unskilful, Unready, Unsafe, Unfit, and
totally Unprofitable. She was Unknown, Unnoticed, Unheeded,
Unobeyed, Unloved, Unfriended, Unemployed, Unvalued, Unpopular, and
actually Unpitied. She was Unsuccessful, Unfortunate, Unlucky,
Unpaid, Unshod, Unfed, Unquiet, Unsettled, Uncertain, Undecided,
Unhinged, Uneasy, Upset, Unhappy, and Utterly Useless.
Until, by chance, she went to Cole's Book Arcade, and got some good
instructive books, and now she is the very best person in
Australia, and the best but two in the world.
Victoria Vincent Valiantly Vaccinated a Vapouring, Verbose Varmit
of a Vulgar Villainous Vagabond, who Very Verdantly Ventured on a
Versatile, Veteran, Valueless Velocipede to Visit the Viceroy of
Venice, instead of Visiting Cole's Book Arcade.
Wilhelmina Wilkins Was a Worthy, Witty, Widow Washerwoman, Who
Washed Woollen Waistcoats, Worsted Waistbands, and Water-proof
Wrappers With a Washing-Machine, and lived Well upon Water-gruel;
Whereupon William Watson, a Wide-awake Widowed Waterman, Wisely
Walked With her--Whispered, Winked, Wooed, Won, Wedded, and Wafted
her across the Wide Waste of Water Waves, and got her a Weird
Waltz.
Quarter-Price at Cole's Book Arcade.
Xantippe Xman, the eXiled eXqueen of the eXquimaux, eXceedingly
eXcelled in eXerting an eXquisite eXactness in eXpense in general;
but eXhibited the most eXceptional, eXtensive, eXtraordinary,
eXcessive, eXtravagant, but eXcusable eXuberance.
When she visited Cole's Book Arcade, to buy books.
Yellena Yellat, the Yellow Yahoo of Yokohama, Yawned Yesterday at
Yon Yelping Yokel of the Yankee Yeomanry.
And told him that he, being ignorant, should go at once and get
educated at Cole's Book Arcade.
Zenobian Zoziman, the Zouave Zemindaress of Zululand, was no Zany,
but rode on a Zanzibar Zebra, resided in a Zing-Zag Zenana,
Zealously studied Zanyism, Zealotism, Zoology, Zoonomy,
Zoophytology, Zoolatry, Zymology, Zincography
And many other 'isms, 'ologies, 'olatries, 'ographies, etc., out of
the works she bought at Cole's Book Arcade.
[Page 110--Forty Ways Of Travelling]
A Wonderful Search Journey by the 40 principal modes of travelling
in The World, and a Prize of L1000 offered for a Flying Machine.
I have always been a man of one idea at a time, and that one idea I
have followed with unwavering determination until success has
rewarded my efforts. Now listen to my story:--A short time ago, much
desiring to obtain a particular article, I determined to get it if it
was possible to do so in this world, and so started on my search
journey. I ran into Melbourne and asked
His Excellency the GOVERNOR of Victoria if he knew where I could get
it, he said he did not but I might ask the RAJAH of Sarawak. I took
ship to Sarawak, asked the Rajah, he said he did not know, but
referred me to the MIKADO of Japan. I jumped into a boat, pulled
to Jedo, asked His Dual Majesty, Lord Paramount of Japan, and head of
the Sintoo Faith, he said he did not know, but perhaps the TYCOON of
Japan did. I got into a jimriksha and was trotted
away to the house of the unfortunate Tycoon, he said he could not
help me, but referred me to the GREAT CHAM of Tartary. I jumped into
a Chinese junk,
bore away to Pekin and saw the Great Cham of the Celestials, "Son of
Heaven," "Brother to the Sun, Moon and Stars," "Father of Mankind,"
"Governor of the World" and head of the Confucian Faith. He
condescendingly said he did not know, but maybe the TIANG of Nankin
could inform me; I took a sailing wheelbarrow to the Centre of Wise
Learning, saw the head
of the Taoist Faith, he could not tell me where to get it but perhaps
the GRAND LAMA of Thibet could, I jumped on the back of a Yak, rode
to Lassa,
interviewed the head of the Buddhist Faith he said he wanted one
himself, but did not know where to get it, go, says he, to the CZAR
of Russia, present my compliments and ask him for one for yourself
and one for me. I took passage in a reindeer sleigh to St.