Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1
Petersburg, saw the CZAR, he referred me to his brother monarch the
KEIZAR of Austria. I jumped on a horse, galloped away to Vienna, saw
the Keizar,
he did not know, but I could try the QUEEN of England, I jumped into
an electric train, made for the metropolis
of the world, saw Her Royal, Imperial, and Republican Majesty the
"Queen of England," "Empress of India," Sovereign of Canada,
Australia, and forty other countries, the most powerful and beloved
ruler of the finest race of men, and the largest, mightiest, and
grandest Empire the world ever saw. I now said to myself I surely
shall get the article I want from the vast resources of Her Majesty,
but in answer to my query she politely remarked that she did not
think I should get in her dominions, but was almost certain that I
could get it from the CHIEF of the Greenland Esquimeaux, I rose up in
a balloon, flew through the air across the Atlantic, saw the Chief,
he could not say, but referred me to the VICEROY of the Dominion, I
jumped on the back of a reindeer, trotted away to Ottawa, saw
the Viceroy, he was positively ignorant on the subject and referred
me to the Mormon PROPHET. Got into an ice ship,
[Page 111--Forty Ways Of Travelling]
slid away over the snow to Utah, saw the Prophet, he had heard of it
but did not know where I should get it, but I might at least ask the
SACHAM of the Flat-Head Indians, I jumped into a dog-sleigh,
scampered away, hailed the
Sachem, but he did not know, but perhaps the PRESIDENT of Peru did,
rode on a one-man sedan to the City of Earthquakes,
saw the President, he did not know, but would I be so good as ask the
EMPEROR of Brazil, I sprang on to the back of a llama, flopped away
to Rio;
the American Emperor said he did not know himself, but surely the
SHEIKH of Timbuctoo ought to tell. I jumped into a canoe, crossed
the Atlantic,
reached the Negro city, asked the Sheikh, he said it was like my
impudence asking him, how should he know such a thing? none of the
traditions of the negro continent mentioned it, but if I thought such
a thing existed I had better ask his Sublime Mightiness the SULTAN of
Zanzibar, I jumped on the back of an ostrich, strode away to the
Isle of Beauty, saw the Sultan, he shook his head and referred me to
the NEGUS of Abyssinia, I was carried rapidly in a head palenkeen on
the heads of four
negroes to Magdala, spoke to the Negus, he referred me to the KHEDIVE
of Egypt, I got into a water-velocipede, trod away up the Red Sea to
the city of the Pyramids, saw the Khedive, he referred me to the
SHERIF of Mecca, I at once bestrode a donkey, cantered
away to the Sacred City, asked the custodian of the Precious Tomb of
the Great Prophet, the query nonplussed him, and he desired me to
wait on the IMAUN of Muscat, I mounted a camel,
ambled across to the hot city of the Imaun, he could not say but
referred me to the RAO of Cutch, I made for Bhooj on a raft, spoke to
the Rao, he
had not got one, but referred me to the GUICOWAR of Gujerat and
considerately lent me a pair of ten-feet stilts for the
journey. I waded from the City of Dismal Swamps and finally reached
Baroda on my stilts, saw the Guicowar, he had never heard of the
article, but referred me to the HIGH PRIEST of the Parsees, I got
into a sedan, was borne
to Bombay, saw the head of the Parsee Faith, he had not the article,
did not believe that it existed, as it was not mentioned in any of
the sacred books of the Parsees, but finally referred me to the BIBY
of Canonore, I mounted an Elephant
stamped down the coast, addressed the Biby, she said it was the first
time she had heard of the article, but the MAHARAJAH of Mysore might
have one. I stepped into a palenkeen
[Page 112--Forty Ways Of Travelling]
and four men trotted away to Mysore, the Great Rajah said he had not
got one, perhaps the NIZAM of Hyderabad could assist me. I got into a
horse-sedan, went
to Hyderabad, saw the Nizam, he did not know and suggested the GRAND
MAHUNT of Benares. I got into a horse-palenkeen, made straight for
the
City of the Sacred Shrines, saw the head of the Hindoo Faith, he did
not know where it could be got, but had I asked the THACKOOR of
Bhrownnuggar? No!--or the Swat of Ackoond, or the Mudor of Cassala,
or the Hospodar of Wallachia, or the Aboona of Gondar or the
Patriarch of Constantinople, or the Archbishop of Canterbury? I said
most decidedly not--that I would not waste my time consulting such
insignificant magnates, then, says he, just you ask the GURO of the
Sikhs. I jumped astride of a Bramah Bull, and
trotted away to Amritsar; saw the head of the Sikh Faith, he had not
got the article, had not heard of it, but advised me to apply to the
AMEER of Afghanistan. I got into an ox dooly and at
length reached Cabul, saw the Ameer, he had not got it, had not seen
it, nor heard of it, did not believe the article existed, but the
KHAN of Bokhara could speak more positively about it. I got into a
Tocan or Hamockeen and was
carried by two men to Bokhara, interviewed the Khan, he said it was
absurd for the Ameer to send to him, he knew nothing about it, but
the SHAH of Persia probably did. I got into a mule sleigh,
glided away to Teheran, enquired of the Shah, could get no
satisfaction, he never heard of it, was I sure there was such an
article in existence? I told him that I wanted to find out, but I
thought there must be somewhere. Oh, then, said he, try the CHIEF
RABBI of Jerusalem. I got into a coach, tore away to
the Holy City of the Jews, asked the head of the Jewish Faith, he had
not one, I had better ask the PASHA of Damascus. I jumped astride of
a bicycle,
trundled away to the oldest city in the world; asked the Pasha, he
could not say, I had better ask the EMIR of the Druses. I creeped up
the Lebanon in a bullock-waggon, saw and asked the
head of the Druse Faith, he referred me to the BEY of Tunis. I got on
to a tricycle, rode to Tunis, saw the Bey,
he could not tell, perhaps the POPE of Rome could. I jumped into a
ship,
made for the Eternal City, asked the head of the Christian Church,
His Holiness could not tell, perhaps the GRAND SEIGNEUR of Turkey
might. I stepped into a railway steam carriage, swept
around to the Golden Horn; saw His Sublime Mightiness the PADISHAW,
he
[Page 113--Forty Ways Of Travelling]
said that he had not got one and never heard of it; but when I
described to him, in clear, concise and glowing terms, the real value
of the article to the whole human race, he said that every person
black or white, or brown, or yellow, or red, or any other colour
whatever, in the world, should have one and that it was the duty of
all Kings and Queens and Emperors, and Sultans, and Czars, and
Keizars, and Khedives and Khans, and Shahs, and Ameers, and Deys, and
Beys, and Great Chams, and Grand Lamas, to see that every one of
their subjects obtained one without delay. I said those were exactly
my sentiments; but where was it to be got. He again graciously
assured me that he did not know, bit I might ask the GRAND MUFTI of
Turkey, the fountain of all human knowledge, and custodian of the
sacred Koran. I tore along in a goat-carriage, interviewed the head
of
the Mahometan Faith; but in answer to my query this Mighty Spiritual
Magnate seemed taken aback; he affirmed that the Koran did not
mention the article, and, therefore, he believed that it could not
exist, but had I made a thorough search for it; had I tried the Dey
of Algiers. I answered no! Had I tried the Doge of Venice--the
Elector of Saxony--the Begum of Oude--the Stadholder of Holland--
the Peishwa of Poona--the Nabob of Bengal--the Caliph of Bagdad--
the Inca of Peru, or the great Mogul. I looked at the Grand Mufti in
speechless astonishment; he might as well have asked me if I had
enquired of Pharaoh or Nebuchadnezzer. I shook my head and rushed
from his presence, completely nonplussed, bewildered, frantic. Where
on earth was I to get the article? I had asked, and asked, and asked
again, and was tired of asking. I had travelled fifty thousand miles
by forty different modes of conveyance; consulted in their own
capitals with thirty secular monarchs, governing three-fourths of the
world; and I had with earnest, respectful enquiry approached the
sacerdotal thrones of the spiritual monarchs of the eleven principal
religions of mankind, and yet I could get no tidings of it. What was
I to do? I was now standing in front of the great Mosque at
Constantinople almost frantic with perplexity; some one approached
and handed me a printed announcement. I read it! It sent an
inexpressible thrill through me. I immediately took a steamer
for Melbourne, landed there, jumped into a cab, went straight to
Cole's Book
Arcade, and saw a drawing of the very article I had ransacked the
world over to obtain, and what do you think it was? It was a FLYING
MACHINE! I wanted a flying machine, Mr. Cole informed me that he had
not got his machine to fly yet, and that in all the world a machine
was not yet invented that would fly, but that, through the active and
progressive ingenuity of the human intellect, such a machine was
certain to be invented in the future, and as an earnest of his strong
conviction he handed me a document, which ran as follows:--
October 31st. 1882
I, the undersigned, firmly believe that as man has already made
machines to run over the land and float over the water faster than
the swiftest animal, so shortly he will make machines to fly
through the air as fast, and finally faster, than the swiftest
birds do now. And I hereby offer a bonus of L1,000 to any person
who shall (in consequence of said bonus) within the next two years
invent a flying machine, to go by Electrical, Chemical, Mechanical,
or any other means, except by gas, a distance of 100 miles, and
shall come and stop in front of the Book Arcade, Bourke Street,
Melbourne, Australia, as easily and as safely as a carriage stops
there now.
--E. W. Cole
Cole's Flying Machine