Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1
include such names as Abigail, Ada, Aaron, Abraham, Adolphus. The
letters G H I J K L belong to the second portrait in each row, and in
the case of the second portrait, of the letter A include such name
as Agnes, Alice, Ahaz, Alfred. The letters M N O P Q R belong to the
third portrait of each row, and in the case of the letter A include
such names as Amy, Anna, Arabella, Amos, Andrew, Arthur. The letters
S T U V W X Y Z belong to the fourth portrait in each row, and in the
case of the letter A include such names as Athalia, Augusta, Asa,
Augusta. The same rule is followed with each letter of the Alphabet:
for instance, the first portrait in the row B belongs to such names
as Barbara, Bessie, Bartholomew, Benjamin, and so on throughout the
whole collection of portraits.
If a woman is looking for her future husband, she must find the
number of her own portrait and then the corresponding number amongst
the men's, and THAT IS TO BE HER HUSBAND: for instance, if her own
portrait is No. 27, No. 27 amongst the men's is the portrait of her
future darling. The same rule is to be followed by the men. If a
man's portrait is No. 93, No. 93 amongst the ladies' IS TO BE HIS
WIFE, his own future angel.
[Page 123--Game Land]
Cole's Game Of Hats And Bonnets
Or Husbands And Wives
If the persons who consult this oracle are single, the sweetheart
that falls to their lot will be their first husband or wife, and if
they are married it will be their second husband or wife, and if they
have been married twice, it will be their third one, and so on up to
144 times of being married; and after that no one will be allowed to
consult this oracle, look at it, speak of it, or even think about it,
such objectionable persons being entirely excluded from its benefits.
Persons who consult this oracle must accept the husband or wife that
falls to their lot just the same as if they married them in the usual
way, but if dissatisfied on account of ugliness, dress, or any other
cause the consulter, by doing penance in the shape of a pilgrimage to
a certain place in the exact centre of the world and paying a small
sum, can obtain a DIVORCE.
The place to which the pilgrimage is to be made is Cole's Book
Arcade, Bourke Street, Melbourne, Australia, where they must buy a
book of some kind, and that act DIVORCES them at once.
Bashful persons need not mention their pilgrimage to the Book Arcade,
when they purchase the book, unless they choose.
Anyone having obtained a DIVORCE will be allowed to choose out of 9
other portraits. If the number of the portrait that fell to their lot
was 8, they can choose any other number ending with 8, as 18, 28, 38,
48, 58, 68, 78, 88 and 98, of if their first number was 65 they can
choose from 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, 55, 75, 85, 95 and so on; whatever
their number was, they may choose from the corresponding figures
throughout the table.
If, after making a choice out of the 9 portraits, anyone is still
dissatisfied, by making 10 pilgrimages to the Book Arcade, or by
buying and giving away 10 copies of this Funny Picture Book, they
can claim the indulgence of a GRAND DIVORCE and choose which they
like out of the whole 104 portraits.
Given under our Royal hand and Seal at the Palace of the Book Arcade,
this 21st day of November, 1890.--COLE, REX.
[Page 124--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
Why are cowardly soldiers like butter?
Because they run when exposed to fire.
Why is hot bread like a caterpillar?
Because it's the grub that makes the butter fly.
Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves?
Because they ought to be taken up.
Why is an acquitted prisoner like a gun?
Because he is taken up, charged, and then let off.
Why is a beggar like a barrister?
Because he pleads for his daily bread.
Why are lawyers like scissors?
Because they never cut each other, but only what is placed between
them.
Why is a newspaper like an army?
Because it has leaders, columns, and reviews.
Why is a prosy story-teller like a railway tunnel?
Because he is a great bore.
Why is a dun like a woodcock?
Because he bores with his bill.
Why is grass like a mouse?
Because the cat'll (cattle) eat it.
Why is the sun like a good loaf?
Because it's light when it rises.
Why is a plum-cake like the ocean?
Because it contains many curra(e)nts.
Why are tears like potatoes?
Because they spring from the eyes.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat?
Because they both have crowns.
What is the difference between a steep hill and a large pill?
One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down.
What is the difference between a pastry-cook and a billsticker?
One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
What is the difference between an auction and seasickness?
One is the sale of effects and the other is the effects of a sail.
Why is a photographic album like a drainer on a bar counter?
Because it is often a receptacle for empty mugs.
Why is an interesting book like a toper's nose?
Because it is read (red) to the end.
What relation is your uncle's brother to you, if he is not your
uncle?
Your father.
What is the best throw of the dice?
To throw them away.
What tree clothes half the world?--Cotton.
What tree gives milk? The cow tree.
What tree is a city in Ireland?--Cork.
What plant is a letter of the alphabet?--The Tea (T).
What kind of bat flies without wings?--A brickbat.
Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager?
Because he makes both ends meet.
Why is a dog's tail like the pith of a tree?
Because it's the farthest from the bark.
Why does a dog's tail resemble happiness?
Because, run after it as he will, he cannot catch it.
If the Devil lost his tail, where should he go to find a new one?
To a gin palace, for bad spirits are retailed there.
What key is hardest to turn?--A donkey.
Why is a whirlpool like a donkey?
Because it is an eddy.
What is it that smells most when you go into a chemist's shop?
Your nose.
Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn?
Because he's an ass.
Why is a lollypop like a horse?
Because the more you lick it, the faster it goes.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man?
Because it stops at the sound of woe.
I went to a wood and got it, I sat down to look for it, and brought
it home because I could not find it--
A thorn in my foot.
Why is a naughty boy like a postage stamp?
Because he is licked and put in the corner to make him stick to his
letters.
What is the difference between twice twenty-eight and twice eight
and twenty.
Twenty; because twice twenty eight is fifty-six, and twice eight
and twenty is thirty-six.
What grows less tired the more it works?
A carriage wheel.
What is that which increases the more you take from it?
A hole.
Why is a tight boot like an oak-tree?
Because it produces a-corn.
Who killed one-fourth of the people in the world?
Cain, when he killed Abel, there being then only four people in it.
Why is a retired milkman like the whale that swallowed Jonah?
Because he took the profit out of the water.
Where was Moses when the candle went out?
In the dark.
Why is your ear like a band of music?
Because it has a drum in it.
Why are book-keepers like chickens?
Because they have to scratch for a living.
Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge?
Because it must be ground before it is used.
Why is a red herring like a mackintosh?
Because it keeps one dry all day.
Where are balls and routs supplied gratis?
On the field of battle.
Why is an omnibus like a medical student?
Because it is crammed and allowed to pass.
When has a person got as many heads as there are days in the year?
On the 31st of December.
What word is shorter for having a syllable added to it?
Short.
If I shoot at three birds on a tree, and kill one, how many will
remain?
None; they will all fly away.
What should you keep after you have given it to another?
Your word.
Which would travel fastest--a man with one sack of flour on his back,
or a man with two sacks?
The man with two sacks, as they would be lighter than one sack of
flour.
Did you ever see a bun dance on a table?
I often see abundance on the table.
What does your ship weigh before she sets sail?
She weighs anchor.
What is an old woman like who is in the midst of a river?
Like to be drowned.
What is the difference between a school-master and an engine driver?
One trains the mind, and the other minds the train.
Who was the first man who went round the world?
The man in the moon.
Important Notice
Wanted known to all of the name of Crooks, that Cole's Book Arcade
contains 80,000 sorts of books.
Wanted known to all not of the name of Crooks, that Cole's Book
Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books.
Wanted known to all of the name of Blair that they can get almost
any book they want there.
Wanted known to all not of the name of Blair that they can get
almost any book they want there.
Wanted known to all of the name of Fitzgerald, Cole's was the first
Book Arcade opened in the World.
Wanted known to all not of the name of Fitzgerald, Cole's is still
the only Book Arcade in the World.
Wanted all intelligent persons of the name of Hall, to give Cole's
Unique Book Arcade an early call.
Wanted all intelligent persons not of the name of Hall, to give
Cole's Unique Book Arcade a very early call.
[Page 125--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles About Babies And Ladies
Why is a new-born baby like a gale of wind?
Because it begins with a squall.
When is a baby not a baby?
When it is a little duck.
Why is an infant like a diamond?
Because it is a dear little thing.
When is a soldier like a baby?
When he is in arms.
When is butter like Irish children?
When it is made into little Pats.
Why is a church-clock like a little boy often receiving a beating?
Because it's hands move over it's face.
Why is a boy like a potato?
Because they both wear jackets.
Why is the earth like a school black-board?
Because the children of men multiply upon the face of it.
Why does a ladies' school, out for a walk, resemble the notes of a
flute?
Because it goes two, two, two, two (toot-oot-oot-oot).
What tree is a lady's name?--Olive.
When do young ladies eat a musical instrument?
When they have a Piano-for-tea.
Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle?
Because it holds a gall-on.
Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard?
Because neither of them is satisfied with a moderate use of the
glass.
Why is a flirt like a hollow India-rubber ball?
Because she is very empty and has a deal of bounce.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fashionable young
lady?
One faces the powder and the other powders the face.
Why does an engine resemble a young lady?
Because it has a train behind, and puffs in the air (hair).
If a bear were to go into a linen-draper's shop, what would he want?
He would want muzzlin'.
What is the difference between a bantam cock, and a dirty housemaid?
One is a domestic foul and the other a foul domestic.
What were the first words Adam said to Eve?
Nobody knows.
How is it proved that woman was created before man?
Because Eve was the first maid (made).
What Christian name is spelt the same way backwards and forwards?
Hannah.
What is the difference between a person late for the train and a
school-mistress?
One misses the train and the other trains the misses.