Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1
What Miss is always making blunders?
Mistake.
What Miss plays more tricks than a schoolboy?
Mischief.
What miss occasions a great many quarrels?
Mismanagement.
What is that which ladies look for, and never wish to find?
A hole in their stocking.
What is that which a man nearly always wears in his sleep, frequently
takes off and never puts on again?
His beard.
This nice looking man with a beard,
Remarked, "It's just as I feared;
Four larks and a hen, two owls and a wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard."
What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, and yet has four
fingers and a thumb?
A glove.
Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a meeting?
Because there is a gathering there, and sometimes a good deal of
bustle.
How does a well-fitting bonnet lose its identity?
Because it "becomes" the lady who wears it.
What is the sweetest thing in bonnets this season?
The ladies' faces.
Why is a kiss like a rumour?
Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
What is the difference between an accepted and rejected lover?
The one kisses his misses, and the other misses his kisses.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works?
Because they soon go off.
Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies?
Because they want carrying out.
Why are lovers like apples?
Because they are often paired (pared).
Why is first love like a potato?
Because it shoots from the eyes and becomes all the less by pairing
(paring).
Which age do most girls wish to attain?
Marri-age.
What kind of men do women like best?
Husband-men.
What ties two people together, yet touches one?
A wedding ring.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen?
Because by doing so he rings his own Nell (knell).
Why is the bridegroom more expensive than the bride?
Because the bride is given away, while the bridegroom is usually
sold.
Why are ladies like bells?
Because you seldom know what metal they are made of till you ring
them.
What money lasts longest when you get it?
Matrimony.
Why is matrimony like a besieged city?
Because those who are in it wish to be out, and those who are out
wish to be in.
Why are some women like facts?
Because they are stubborn things.
Why are rough seats like domineering wives?
Because they wear the breeches.
Why are husband and wife ten, instead of one?
Because the wife is number one and the husband goes for nought.
Why was the Archbishop of Canterbury like the late Prince Consort?
Because he married the Queen.
Why is a nugget of gold found at Bendigo like the Prince of Wales?
Because it is the produce of Victoria and like to become a
sovereign.
Why are ladies great thieves?
Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, and crib
their babies.
In what month do ladies talk the least?
In February; because it's the shortest.
What is the difference between ladies and clocks?
One makes us remember time, and the other makes us forget it.
Why is an empty room like another full of married people?
Because there is not a single person in it.
Popular Errors
The commonly received notion that a man may marry his first cousin,
but must not marry his second is not true; but it is quite true that
Cole's Book Arcade is in Bourke Street, Melbourne, about half-way
between Swanston and Elizabeth Sts.
The rumour that a Yankee Gentleman had invented a machine to take
the noise out of thunder has turned out not to be true; but it is
quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is open from nine in the morning
to ten at night, every working day in the year.
The fact that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books is
not the cause of the sea being salt--of coca-nuts containing milk--
of the growth of big gooseberries, nor of the multitude of great big
fibs told annually about a sea-serpent.
It is not true that cats will suck the breath of children when they
are asleep, but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade contains one
interesting cat and 80,000 sorts of interesting books.
N.B.--The likeness of Cole's Cat can be seen on page 153.
[Page 126--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
Which is the greatest peer that England ever produced?
Shakespeare.
What is the grandest verse in existence?
The universe.
What is the greatest stand ever made for civilisation?
The inkstand.
What is that which, although black itself, enlightens the world?
Ink.
What is that which is full of knowledge, and yet knows nothing?
A book-case.
What is that which you and every living man have seen, but can never
see again?
Yesterday.
What is that which no man ever did see, which never was, but always
is to be?
To-morrow.
What thing is that that is lower with a head than without one?
A pillow.
What volume is sure to bring tears to your eyes?
A volume of smoke.
What is that which has form without substance, and size without
weight?
A shadow.
Name me and you break me.
Silence.
What is that which renders life inert, and yet restores it?
Sleep.
Formed long ago, yet made today,
Employed while others sleep,
What few would like to give away,
Nor any wish to keep.
A bed.
What is that which flies high, flies low, wears shoes, and has no
feet?
Dust.
What is that of which the common sort is best?
Sense.
What is that which we often return yet never borrow?
Thanks.
Name that bird which, if you do not, you must die?
Swallow.
What is that which you cannot hold for ten minutes although it is "as
light as a feather?"
Your breath.
What is that which never was seen, felt, nor heard, never was and
never will be, and yet has a name?
Nothing.
What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, and yet gave two
to each of his children?
Parents.
What is that we wish for, and when we have obtained we never know we
have it?
Sleep.
When is it that a person ought not to keep his temper?
When it is a bad one.
What is yours, and is used by others more than yourself?
Your name.
Can a man's pocket be empty when he's got something in it?
Yes: when he's got a big hole in it.
What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident?
Absence of body.
Melbourne, Hotham, Collingwood, Prahran, Richmond, Emerald Hill,
and Cole's Book Arcade, all begins with an A.
Why is a penny like a black cat at Cole's Book Arcade?
Because it has a head and a tail.
Why is Cole's Book Arcade like a Crocodile?
Because it can't jump over the moon.
Why is Cole's Book Arcade like a learned man?
Because it is well stocked with literature.
What is that which goes every morning at eight o'clock from the Post
Office to Cole's Book Arcade, and every evening at six o'clock from
the Parliament House to Cole's Book Arcade, without moving?
Bourke Street.
How many sides are there to Cole's Book Arcade?
Four. 1st, the right side; 2nd, the left side; 3rd, the outside;
and 4th, the inside, where the 80,000 sorts of books are.
What are the oldest tops in the world?
Mountain tops.
Which is the oldest table in the world?
The multiplication table.
What kind of ship has two mates and no captain?
A courtship.
What is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends?
A ditch.
What is that which one can divide, but cannot see where it has been
divided?
Water.
What is that which gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor?
A draft.
What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on?
Warfare.
What vice is it that the greatest criminals shun?
Ad-vice.
What is that which is often found where it is not?
Fault.
What is that which we often catch hold of, and yet never see?
A passing remark.
What is that which is often brought to the table, often cut, but
never eaten?
A pack of cards.
What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water?
A sponge.
What window in your house is like the sun?
The skylight.
What word is it of five letters, of which two being removed one only
one will remain?
St-one.
What is that from which if the whole be taken some will remain?
The word "wholesome".
What word contains all the vowels in their proper order?
Facetious.
How would you express in one word having met a doctor of medicine?
Metaphysician.
Why is a nobleman like a book?
Because he has a title.
Why is the alphabet like the mail?
Because it consists of letters.
Why is a book like a tree?
Because it has many leaves.
Mechanical Advertisement
The idea of a machine to go by perpetual motion is perpetual
nonsense. Multitudes of boys and men have wasted much valuable time
in trying to find it, but they never can, as it is contrary to
natural laws, and therefore impossible; but one certainty of the
future is, that a million useful flying machines will flit hither and
thither; and one certainty of the present is, that while Cole's Book
Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books, not a single person has yet
been able to come to it for a supply in a flying machine.--Laggard
inventors, think of this!
N.B.--Cole once invented a flying machine, but it wouldn't work!
[Page 127--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
If a man has twenty sick (six) sheep and one of them dies, how many
will remain?
Nineteen.
Can a leopard change his spots?
Yes: when he is tired of one spot he can go to another.
Why does a piebald pony never pay a toll?
Because his master pays it for him.
Where are you sure to find pity in the worst of misfortunes?
In the dictionary.
Where did the witch of Endor live?
At Endor.
What is most like a cat's tail?
A kitten's tail.
What is that which no other animal but a cat possesses?
Kittens.
What is the colour of a green-plot covered with snow?
Green.
When is a man not a man?
When he is a muff.
If a stone were thrown at you and fell into the water, what would it
become?
Wet.
What is the oldest tree in Australia?
The Elder.
What trees bear the most fruit for the Market?
The axle-trees.
Why is a clock not wound up, like a mile-stone?
Because it stands still.
What is the easiest thing for a nigger to do?
Keep dark.
How can you make a currant cake without currants?
Put only one currant into it.
Which letters are never out of fashion?
F A S H I O N.
Why is your nose like St. Paul's?
Because it is flesh and blood.
Why do white sheep furnish more wool than the black ones?
Because there are more of them.
What makes a pair of boots?
Two.
What did Adam first plant in his garden?
His foot.
How can a boy make his jacket last?
By making his coat and waistcoat first.
She was plump and beautiful, and he was wildly fond of her; she
hated him, yet woman-like, she strove to catch him. What was he?
He was a flea.
What is the difference between six dozen dozen and half a dozen
dozen?
One is six gross and the other is six dozen.
What is that which a man can put into his right hand but never into
his left?
His left elbow.
What is that which a man with two eyes cannot see with one?
T'other eye.
Spell and pronounce the word Pot, without saying Teapot?
Cautiously start a conversation about coins, and the ask, "Did
you ever see any of those coins two of which make eighteen pence?"
Of course they will say "no"; then show them a shilling and a
sixpence, and you "have" them.
Would you rather an elephant killed you or a gorilla?
Rather the elephant killed the gorilla.