Demian
trash, of broken china and garbage, of twisted bundles of rusty iron
wire and other rubbish. You sometimes found there useful things. We
had to search the stretch under Frank Kromer’s direction and show him
what we found. He then either kept it himself or threw it away into the
water. He bid us note whether the things were of lead, brass or tin.
Everything we found of this description he kept for himself, as well as
an old horn comb. I felt very uneasy in his company, not because I knew
that father would have forbidden our playing together had he known of
it, but through fear of Frank himself. I was glad that he treated me
like the others. He commanded and we obeyed; it seemed habitual to me,
although that was the first time I was with him.
At last we sat down. Frank spat into the water and looked like a full
grown man; he spat through a gap in his teeth, directing the sputum in
any direction he wished. He began a conversation, and the boys vied
with one another in bragging of schoolboy exploits and pranks. I was
silent, and yet, if I said nothing, I was afraid of calling attention
to myself and inciting Kromer’s anger against me. My two comrades had
from the beginning turned their backs on me, and had sided with him;
I was a stranger among them, and I felt my clothes and manner to be
a provocation. It was impossible that Frank should like me, a Latin
schoolboy and the son of a gentleman, and the other two, I felt, as
soon as it came to the point, would disown me and leave me in the lurch.
At last, through mere fright, I also began to relate a story. I
invented a long narration of theft, of which I made myself the hero. In
a garden by the mill on the corner, I recounted, I had one night with
the help of a friend stolen a whole sack of apples, and those none of
the ordinary sorts, but russets and golden pippins, the very best. In
the danger of the moment I had recourse to the telling of this story,
which I invented easily and recounted readily. In order not to have to
finish off immediately, and so perhaps be led from bad to worse, I gave
full scope to my inventive powers. One of us, I continued, always had
to stand sentinel, while the other was throwing down apples from the
tree, and the sack had become so heavy that at last we had to open it
again and leave half the apples behind; but we returned at the end of
half an hour and took the rest away with us.
I hoped at the end to gain some little applause, I had warmed to my
work and had let myself go in my narration. The two small boys waited
quiet and expectant, but Frank Kromer looked at me penetratingly
through half-closed eyes and asked me in a threatening tone:
“Is that true?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Really and truly?”
“Yes, really and truly,” I asserted defiantly, though inwardly I was
stifling through fear.
“Can you swear to it?”
I was terribly frightened, but I answered without hesitation: “Yes.”
“Then say: ‘I swear by God and all that’s holy’!”
I said: “I swear by God and all that’s holy!”
“Aw, gwan!” said he and turned away.
I thought that everything was now all right, and was glad when he got
up and made for the town. When we were on the bridge I said timidly
that I must now go home. “Don’t be in such a hurry,” laughed Frank,
“we both go the same way.” He dawdled on, and I dared not tear myself
away, especially as he was actually taking the road to our house. As we
arrived, I looked at the heavy brass-knocker, the sun on the window and
the curtains in my mother’s room, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Home
at last! What a blessing it was to be at home again, to return to the
brightness and peace of the family circle!
As I quickly opened the door and slipped inside, ready to shut it
behind me, Frank Kromer forced his way in as well. He stood beside
me in the cool, dark stone corridor which was only lighted from the
courtyard, held me by the arm and said softly: “Not so fast, you!”
Terrified, I looked at him. His grip on my arm was one of iron. I tried
to think what he had in his mind, whether he was going to maltreat me.
I wondered, if I should scream, whether anyone would come down quickly
enough to save me. But I gave up the idea.
“What’s the matter?” I asked. “What d’you want?”
“Nothing much. I only want to ask you something--something the others
needn’t hear.”
“Well, what do you want me to tell you? I must go upstairs, you know.”
“You know, don’t you, whose orchard that is by the mill on the corner?”
said Frank softly.
“No, I don’t know; I think it’s the miller’s.”
Frank had wound his arm round me, and he drew me quite close to him, so
that I had to look up directly into his face. His look boded ill, he
smiled maliciously, and his face was full of cruelty and power.
“Now, kid, I can tell you whose the garden is. I have known for a long
time that the apples had been stolen, and I also know that the man said
he would give two marks to anyone who would tell him who stole the
fruit.”
“Good heavens!” I exclaimed. “But you won’t tell him anything?” I felt
it was useless to appeal to his sense of honor. He came from the other
world; for him betrayal was no crime. I felt that for a certainty. In
these matters people from the “other” world were not like us.
“Say nothing?” laughed Kromer. “Look here, my friend, d’you think I am
minting money and can make two shilling pieces myself? I’m a poor chap,
and I haven’t got a rich father like yours, and when I get the chance
of earning two shillings I must take it. He might even give me more.”
Suddenly he let me go free. Our house no longer gave me an impression
of peace and safety, the world fell to pieces around me. He would
report me as a criminal, my father would be told, perhaps even the
police might come for me. The terror of utter chaos menaced me, all
that was ugly and dangerous was aligned against me. The fact that I
had not stolen at all did not count in the least. I had sworn to it
besides. O dear, O dear!
I burst into tears. I felt I must buy myself off. Despairingly I
searched all my pockets. Not an apple, not a penknife, absolutely
nothing. All at once I thought of my watch. It was an old silver one
which wouldn’t go. I wore it for no special reason. It came down to me
from my grandmother. I drew it out quickly.
“Kromer,” I said, “listen, you mustn’t give me away, that wouldn’t be
nice of you. Look here, I will give you my watch; I haven’t anything
else, worse luck! You can have it, it’s a silver one; the mechanism is
good, there is one little thing wrong, that’s all, it needs repairing.”
He smiled and took the watch in his big hand. I looked at his hand and
felt how coarse and hostile it was, how it grasped at my life and peace.
“It’s silver,” I said, timidly.
“I wouldn’t give a straw for your silver and your old watch!” he said
with deep scorn. “Get it repaired yourself!”
“But, Frank,” I exclaimed, quivering with fear lest he should go away.
“Wait a minute. Do take the watch! It’s really silver, really and
truly. And I haven’t got anything else.” He gave me a cold and scornful
look.
“Very well, then, you know who I am going to; or I can tell the police.
I know the sergeant very well.”
He turned to go. I held him back by the sleeve. I could not let that
happen. I would much rather have died than bear all that would take
place if he went away like that.
“Frank,” I implored, hoarse with emotion, “please don’t do anything
silly! Tell me it’s only a joke, isn’t it?”
“Oh, yes, a joke, but it might cost you dear.”
“Do tell me, Frank, what to do. I’ll do anything!” He examined me
critically through his screwed-up eyes and laughed again.
“Don’t be silly,” he said with affected affability. “You know as well
as I do. I’ve got the chance of earning a couple of marks, and I’m not
such a rich fellow that I can afford to throw it away, you know that
well enough. But you’re rich, why, you’ve even got a watch. You need
only give me just two marks and everything will be all right.”
I understood his logic. But two marks! For me that was as much, and
just as unobtainable, as ten, as a hundred, as a thousand marks. I
had no money. There was a money box that my mother kept for me, with a
couple of ten and five pfennig pieces inside which I received from my
uncle when he paid us a visit, or from similar sources. I had nothing
else. At that age I received no pocket-money at all.
“I have nothing,” I said sadly. “I have no money at all. But I’ll give
you everything I have. I’ve got a book about red Indians, and also
soldiers, and a compass. I’ll get that for you.”
But Kromer only screwed up his evil mouth, and spat on the ground.
“Quit your jawing,” he said commandingly. “You can keep your old trash
yourself. A compass! Don’t make me angry, d’you hear? And hand over the
money!”
“But I haven’t any. I never get money. I can’t help it.”
“Very well, then, you’ll bring me the two marks in the morning. I shall
wait for you in the market after school. That’s all. If you don’t bring
any money, look out!”
“Yes; but where shall I get it, then? Good Lord! if I haven’t any----”
“There’s enough money in your house. That’s your business. To-morrow
after school, then. And I tell you: If you don’t bring it----”
His eyes darted a terrible look at me, he spat again and vanished like
a shadow.
I could not go upstairs. My life was ruined. I wondered if I should
run away and never come back, or go and drown myself. But these
thoughts were not clearly formulated. I sat crouched in the dark on the
bottom step and I surrendered myself to my misfortune. There Lina found
me in tears as she came down with a basket to get wood.
I begged her to say nothing on her return and I went up. My father’s
hat and my mother’s sunshade hung on the rack near the glass door. All
these things reminded me of home and tenderness, my heart went out to
them imploringly and, grateful for their existence, I felt like the
prodigal son when he looked into his old homely room and sensed its
familiar atmosphere. All this, the bright father-and-mother world, was
mine no longer, and I was buried deeply and guiltily in the strange
flood, ensnared in sinful adventures, beset by enemies and dangers,
menaced by shame and terror. The hat and sunshade, the good old
sandstone floor, the big picture over the hall cupboard, and the voice
of my elder sister in the living-room, all this was dearer and more
precious to me than ever, but it was no longer consolation and secure
possession. All of it was now a reproach. All this belonged to me no
more, I could share no more in its cheerfulness and peace. I carried
mud on my shoes that I could not wipe off on the mat, I brought shadows
in with me, of which the home-world had no knowledge. How many secrets
had I already had, how many cares--but that was play, a mere nothing
compared with what I was bringing in with me that day.
Fate was overtaking me, hands were stretched out after me, from which
even my mother could not protect me, of which she was to be allowed no
knowledge. It was all the same, whether my offense was thieving, or
a lie (had I not taken a false oath by God?). My sin was not this or
that, I had tendered my hand to the devil. Why did I follow him? Why
had I obeyed Kromer, more than ever I did my father? Why had I falsely
invented the story of the theft? Why had I plumed myself on having
committed a crime, as if it had been a deed of heroism? Now the devil
had me by the hand, now the evil one was pursuing me.
For a moment I felt no further dread of the morrow, but I had the
terrible certainty that my way was leading me further and further
downhill and into the darkness. I realized clearly that from my
wrongdoing other wrongdoings must result, that the greetings and kisses