Gargantua and Pantagruel
ever see him? Upon my honour, replied Carpalin, they mean the pope. Ay,
ay, answered Panurge; yea, verily, gentlemen, I have seen three of them,
whose sight has not much bettered me. How! cried they, our sacred
decretals inform us that there never is more than one living. I mean
successively, one after the other, returned Panurge; otherwise I never saw
more than one at a time.
O thrice and four times happy people! cried they; you are welcome, and more
than double welcome! They then kneeled down before us and would have
kissed our feet, but we would not suffer it, telling them that should the
pope come thither in his own person, ‘tis all they could do to him. No,
certainly, answered they, for we have already resolved upon the matter. We
would kiss his bare arse without boggling at it, and eke his two pounders;
for he has a pair of them, the holy father, that he has; we find it so by
our fine decretals, otherwise he could not be pope. So that, according to
our subtle decretaline philosophy, this is a necessary consequence: he is
pope; therefore he has genitories, and should genitories no more be found
in the world, the world could no more have a pope.
While they were talking thus, Pantagruel inquired of one of the coxswain’s
crew who those persons were. He answered that they were the four estates
of the island, and added that we should be made as welcome as princes,
since we had seen the pope. Panurge having been acquainted with this by
Pantagruel, said to him in his ear, I swear and vow, sir, ‘tis even so; he
that has patience may compass anything. Seeing the pope had done us no
good; now, in the devil’s name, ‘twill do us a great deal. We then went
ashore, and the whole country, men, women, and children, came to meet us as
in a solemn procession. Our four estates cried out to them with a loud
voice, They have seen him! they have seen him! they have seen him! That
proclamation being made, all the mob kneeled before us, lifting up their
hands towards heaven, and crying, O happy men! O most happy! and this
acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour.
Then came the Busby (!) of the place, with all his pedagogues, ushers, and
schoolboys, whom he magisterially flogged, as they used to whip children in
our country formerly when some criminal was hanged, that they might
remember it. This displeased Pantagruel, who said to them, Gentlemen, if
you do not leave off whipping these poor children, I am gone. The people
were amazed, hearing his stentorian voice; and I saw a little hump with
long fingers say to the hypodidascal, What, in the name of wonder! do all
those that see the pope grow as tall as yon huge fellow that threatens us?
Ah! how I shall think time long till I have seen him too, that I may grow
and look as big. In short, the acclamations were so great that Homenas (so
they called their bishop) hastened thither on an unbridled mule with green
trappings, attended by his apposts (as they said) and his supposts, or
officers bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, holy-water
pots, &c. He too wanted to kiss our feet (as the good Christian Valfinier
did to Pope Clement), saying that one of their hypothetes, that’s one of
the scavengers, scourers, and commentators of their holy decretals, had
written that, in the same manner as the Messiah, so long and so much
expected by the Jews, at last appeared among them; so, on some happy day of
God, the pope would come into that island; and that, while they waited for
that blessed time, if any who had seen him at Rome or elsewhere chanced to
come among them, they should be sure to make much of them, feast them
plentifully, and treat them with a great deal of reverence. However, we
civilly desired to be excused.
Chapter 4.XLIX.
How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed us the Uranopet decretals.
Homenas then said to us: ‘Tis enjoined us by our holy decretals to visit
churches first and taverns after. Therefore, not to decline that fine
institution, let us go to church; we will afterwards go and feast
ourselves. Man of God, quoth Friar John, do you go before, we’ll follow
you. You spoke in the matter properly, and like a good Christian; ‘tis
long since we saw any such. For my part, this rejoices my mind very much,
and I verily believe that I shall have the better stomach after it. Well,
‘tis a happy thing to meet with good men! Being come near the gate of the
church, we spied a huge thick book, gilt, and covered all over with
precious stones, as rubies, emeralds, (diamonds,) and pearls, more, or at
least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter
Capitolinus. This book hanged in the air, being fastened with two thick
chains of gold to the zoophore of the porch. We looked on it and admired
it. As for Pantagruel, he handled it and dandled it and turned it as he
pleased, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested that
whenever he touched it, he was seized with a pleasant tickling at his
fingers’ end, new life and activity in his arms, and a violent temptation
in his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or such officers, provided they
were not of the shaveling kind. Homenas then said to us, The law was
formerly given to the Jews by Moses, written by God himself. At Delphos,
before the portal of Apollo’s temple, this sentence, GNOTHI SEAUTON, was
found written with a divine hand. And some time after it, EI was also
seen, and as divinely written and transmitted from heaven. Cybele’s image
was brought out of heaven, into a field called Pessinunt, in Phrygia; so
was that of Diana to Tauris, if you will believe Euripides; the oriflamme,
or holy standard, was transmitted out of heaven to the noble and most
Christian kings of France, to fight against the unbelievers. In the reign
of Numa Pompilius, second King of the Romans, the famous copper buckler
called Ancile was seen to descend from heaven. At Acropolis, near Athens,
Minerva’s statue formerly fell from the empyreal heaven. In like manner
the sacred decretals which you see were written with the hand of an angel
of the cherubim kind. You outlandish people will hardly believe this, I
fear. Little enough, of conscience, said Panurge. And then, continued
Homenas, they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very heaven
of heavens; in the same manner as the river Nile is called Diipetes by
Homer, the father of all philosophy--the holy decretals always excepted.
Now, because you have seen the pope, their evangelist and everlasting
protector, we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, if
you think meet. But then you must fast three days before, and canonically
confess; nicely and strictly mustering up and inventorizing your sins,
great and small, so thick that one single circumstance of them may not
escape you; as our holy decretals, which you see, direct. This will take
up some time. Man of God, answered Panurge, we have seen and descried
decrees, and eke decretals enough o’ conscience; some on paper, other on
parchment, fine and gay like any painted paper lantern, some on vellum,
some in manuscript, and others in print; so you need not take half these
pains to show us these. We’ll take the goodwill for the deed, and thank
you as much as if we had. Ay, marry, said Homenas, but you never saw these
that are angelically written. Those in your country are only transcripts
from ours; as we find it written by one of our old decretaline scholiasts.
For me, do not spare me; I do not value the labour, so I may serve you. Do
but tell me whether you will be confessed and fast only three short little
days of God? As for shriving, answered Panurge, there can be no great harm
in’t; but this same fasting, master of mine, will hardly down with us at
this time, for we have so very much overfasted ourselves at sea that the
spiders have spun their cobwebs over our grinders. Do but look on this
good Friar John des Entomeures (Homenas then courteously demi-clipped him
about the neck), some moss is growing in his throat for want of bestirring
and exercising his chaps. He speaks the truth, vouched Friar John; I have
so much fasted that I’m almost grown hump-shouldered. Come, then, let’s go
into the church, said Homenas; and pray forgive us if for the present we do
not sing you a fine high mass. The hour of midday is past, and after it
our sacred decretals forbid us to sing mass, I mean your high and lawful
mass. But I’ll say a low and dry one for you. I had rather have one
moistened with some good Anjou wine, cried Panurge; fall to, fall to your
low mass, and despatch. Ods-bodikins, quoth Friar John, it frets me to the
guts that I must have an empty stomach at this time of day; for, had I
eaten a good breakfast and fed like a monk, if he should chance to sing us
the Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, I had then brought thither bread and
wine for the traits passes (those that are gone before). Well, patience;
pull away, and save tide; short and sweet, I pray you, and this for a
cause.
Chapter 4.L.
How Homenas showed us the archetype, or representation of a pope.
Mass being mumbled over, Homenas took a huge bundle of keys out of a trunk
near the head altar, and put thirty-two of them into so many keyholes; put
back so many springs; then with fourteen more mastered so many padlocks,
and at last opened an iron window strongly barred above the said altar.
This being done, in token of great mystery he covered himself with wet
sackcloth, and drawing a curtain of crimson satin, showed us an image
daubed over, coarsely enough, to my thinking; then he touched it with a
pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the stick that had
touched the image. After this he said unto us, What think you of this
image? It is the likeness of a pope, answered Pantagruel; I know it by the
triple crown, his furred amice, his rochet, and his slipper. You are in
the right, said Homenas; it is the idea of that same good god on earth
whose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in this
country. O happy, wished-for, and much-expected day! and happy, most happy
you, whose propitious stars have so favoured you as to let you see the
living and real face of this good god on earth! by the single sight of
whose picture we obtain full remission of all the sins which we remember
that we have committed, as also a third part and eighteen quarantaines of
the sins which we have forgot; and indeed we only see it on high annual
holidays.
This caused Pantagruel to say that it was a work like those which Daedalus
used to make, since, though it were deformed and ill drawn, nevertheless
some divine energy, in point of pardons, lay hid and concealed in it.
Thus, said Friar John, at Seuille, the rascally beggars being one evening
on a solemn holiday at supper in the spital, one bragged of having got six
blancs, or twopence halfpenny; another eight liards, or twopence; a third,
seven caroluses, or sixpence; but an old mumper made his vaunts of having
got three testons, or five shillings. Ah, but, cried his comrades, thou
hast a leg of God; as if, continued Friar John, some divine virtue could
lie hid in a stinking ulcerated rotten shank. Pray, said Pantagruel, when
you are for telling us some such nauseous tale, be so kind as not to forget
to provide a basin, Friar John; I’ll assure you, I had much ado to forbear
bringing up my breakfast. Fie! I wonder a man of your coat is not ashamed
to use thus the sacred name of God in speaking of things so filthy and
abominable! fie, I say. If among your monking tribes such an abuse of
words is allowed, I beseech you leave it there, and do not let it come out
of the cloisters. Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a kind of