Gargantua and Pantagruel
of the ill bird; o’ my word, this is a filthy whoop-hooper. Tush, speak
softly, said Aedituus; by G--, he has a pair of ears, as formerly Michael
de Matiscones remarked. What then? returned Panurge; so hath a whoopcat.
So, said Aedituus; if he but hear you speak such another blasphemous word,
you had as good be damned. Do you see that basin yonder in his cage? Out
of it shall sally thunderbolts and lightnings, storms, bulls, and the devil
and all, that will sink you down to Peg Trantum’s, an hundred fathom under
ground. It were better to drink and be merry, quoth Friar John.
Panurge was still feeding his eyes with the sight of the pope-hawk and his
attendants, when somewhere under his cage he perceived a madge-howlet.
With this he cried out, By the devil’s maker, master, there’s roguery in
the case; they put tricks upon travellers here more than anywhere else, and
would make us believe that a t--d’s a sugarloaf. What damned cozening,
gulling, and coney-catching have we here! Do you see this madge-howlet?
By Minerva, we are all beshit. Odsoons, said Aedituus, speak softly, I
tell you. It is no madge-howlet, no she-thing on my honest word; but a
male, and a noble bird.
May we not hear the pope-hawk sing? asked Pantagruel. I dare not promise
that, returned Aedituus; for he only sings and eats at his own hours. So
don’t I, quoth Panurge; poor pilgarlic is fain to make everybody’s time his
own; if they have time, I find time. Come, then, let us go drink, if you
will. Now this is something like a tansy, said Aedituus; you begin to talk
somewhat like; still speak in that fashion, and I’ll secure you from being
thought a heretic. Come on, I am of your mind.
As we went back to have t’other fuddling bout, we spied an old green-headed
bish-hawk, who sat moping with his mate and three jolly bittern attendants,
all snoring under an arbour. Near the old cuff stood a buxom abbess-kite
that sung like any linnet; and we were so mightily tickled with her singing
that I vow and swear we could have wished all our members but one turned
into ears, to have had more of the melody. Quoth Panurge, This pretty
cherubim of cherubims is here breaking her head with chanting to this huge,
fat, ugly face, who lies grunting all the while like a hog as he is. I
will make him change his note presently, in the devil’s name. With this he
rang a bell that hung over the bish-hawk’s head; but though he rang and
rang again, the devil a bit bish-hawk would hear; the louder the sound, the
louder his snoring. There was no making him sing. By G--, quoth Panurge,
you old buzzard, if you won’t sing by fair means, you shall by foul.
Having said this, he took up one of St. Stephen’s loaves, alias a stone,
and was going to hit him with it about the middle. But Aedituus cried to
him, Hold, hold, honest friend! strike, wound, poison, kill, and murder all
the kings and princes in the world, by treachery or how thou wilt, and as
soon as thou wouldst unnestle the angels from their cockloft. Pope-hawk
will pardon thee all this. But never be so mad as to meddle with these
sacred birds, as much as thou lovest the profit, welfare, and life not only
of thyself, and thy friends and relations alive or dead, but also of those
that may be born hereafter to the thousandth generation; for so long thou
wouldst entail misery upon them. Do but look upon that basin. Catso! let
us rather drink, then, quoth Panurge. He that spoke last, spoke well, Mr.
Antitus, quoth Friar John; while we are looking on these devilish birds we
do nothing but blaspheme; and while we are taking a cup we do nothing but
praise God. Come on, then, let’s go drink; how well that word sounds!
The third day (after we had drank, as you must understand) Aedituus
dismissed us. We made him a present of a pretty little Perguois knife,
which he took more kindly than Artaxerxes did the cup of cold water that
was given him by a clown. He most courteously thanked us, and sent all
sorts of provisions aboard our ships, wished us a prosperous voyage and
success in our undertakings, and made us promise and swear by Jupiter of
stone to come back by his territories. Finally he said to us, Friends,
pray note that there are many more stones in the world than men; take care
you don’t forget it.
Chapter 5.IX.
How we arrived at the island of Tools.
Having well ballasted the holds of our human vessels, we weighed anchor,
hoised up sail, stowed the boats, set the land, and stood for the offing
with a fair loom gale, and for more haste unpareled the mizen-yard, and
launched it and the sail over the lee-quarter, and fitted gyves to keep it
steady, and boomed it out; so in three days we made the island of Tools,
that is altogether uninhabited. We saw there a great number of trees which
bore mattocks, pickaxes, crows, weeding-hooks, scythes, sickles, spades,
trowels, hatchets, hedging-bills, saws, adzes, bills, axes, shears,
pincers, bolts, piercers, augers, and wimbles.
Others bore dags, daggers, poniards, bayonets, square-bladed tucks,
stilettoes, poniardoes, skeans, penknives, puncheons, bodkins, swords,
rapiers, back-swords, cutlasses, scimitars, hangers, falchions, glaives,
raillons, whittles, and whinyards.
Whoever would have any of these needed but to shake the tree, and
immediately they dropped down as thick as hops, like so many ripe plums;
nay, what’s more, they fell on a kind of grass called scabbard, and
sheathed themselves in it cleverly. But when they came down, there was
need of taking care lest they happened to touch the head, feet, or other
parts of the body. For they fell with the point downwards, and in they
stuck, or slit the continuum of some member, or lopped it off like a twig;
either of which generally was enough to have killed a man, though he were a
hundred years old, and worth as many thousand spankers, spur-royals, and
rose-nobles.
Under some other trees, whose names I cannot justly tell you, I saw some
certain sorts of weeds that grew and sprouted like pikes, lances, javelins,
javelots, darts, dartlets, halberds, boar-spears, eel-spears, partizans,
tridents, prongs, trout-staves, spears, half-pikes, and hunting-staves. As
they sprouted up and chanced to touch the tree, straight they met with
their heads, points, and blades, each suitable to its kind, made ready for
them by the trees over them, as soon as every individual wood was grown up,
fit for its steel; even like the children’s coats, that are made for them
as soon as they can wear them and you wean them of their swaddling clothes.
Nor do you mutter, I pray you, at what Plato, Anaxagoras, and Democritus
have said. Ods-fish! they were none of your lower-form gimcracks, were
they?
Those trees seemed to us terrestrial animals, in no wise so different from
brute beasts as not to have skin, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments,
nerves, cartilages, kernels, bones, marrow, humours, matrices, brains, and
articulations; for they certainly have some, since Theophrastus will have
it so. But in this point they differed from other animals, that their
heads, that is, the part of their trunks next to the root, are downwards;
their hair, that is, their roots, in the earth; and their feet, that is,
their branches, upside down; as if a man should stand on his head with
outstretched legs. And as you, battered sinners, on whom Venus has
bestowed something to remember her, feel the approach of rains, winds,
cold, and every change of weather, at your ischiatic legs and your
omoplates, by means of the perpetual almanack which she has fixed there; so
these trees have notice given them, by certain sensations which they have
at their roots, stocks, gums, paps, or marrow, of the growth of the staves
under them, and accordingly they prepare suitable points and blades for
them beforehand. Yet as all things, except God, are sometimes subject to
error, nature itself not free from it when it produceth monstrous things,
likewise I observed something amiss in these trees. For a half-pike that
grew up high enough to reach the branches of one of these instrumentiferous
trees, happened no sooner to touch them but, instead of being joined to an
iron head, it impaled a stubbed broom at the fundament. Well, no matter,
‘twill serve to sweep the chimney. Thus a partizan met with a pair of
garden shears. Come, all’s good for something; ‘twill serve to nip off
little twigs and destroy caterpillars. The staff of a halberd got the
blade of a scythe, which made it look like a hermaphrodite.
Happy-be-lucky, ‘tis all a case; ‘twill serve for some mower. Oh, ‘tis a
great blessing to put our trust in the Lord! As we went back to our ships I
spied behind I don’t know what bush, I don’t know what folks, doing I don’t
know what business, in I don’t know what posture, scouring I don’t know what
tools, in I don’t know what manner, and I don’t know what place.
Chapter 5.X.
How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Sharping.
We left the island of Tools to pursue our voyage, and the next day stood in
for the island of Sharping, the true image of Fontainebleau, for the land
is so very lean that the bones, that is, the rocks, shoot through its skin.
Besides, ‘tis sandy, barren, unhealthy, and unpleasant. Our pilot showed
us there two little square rocks which had eight equal points in the shape
of a cube. They were so white that I might have mistaken them for
alabaster or snow, had he not assured us they were made of bone.
He told us that twenty chance devils very much feared in our country dwelt
there in six different storeys, and that the biggest twins or braces of
them were called sixes, and the smallest ambs-ace; the rest cinques,
quatres, treys, and deuces. When they were conjured up, otherwise coupled,
they were called either sice cinque, sice quatre, sice trey, sice deuce,
and sice ace; or cinque quatre, cinque trey, and so forth. I made there a
shrewd observation. Would you know what ‘tis, gamesters? ‘Tis that there
are very few of you in the world but what call upon and invoke the devils.
For the dice are no sooner thrown on the board, and the greedy gazing
sparks have hardly said, Two sixes, Frank; but Six devils damn it! cry as
many of them. If ambs-ace; then, A brace of devils broil me! will they
say. Quatre-deuce, Tom; The deuce take it! cries another. And so on to
the end of the chapter. Nay, they don’t forget sometimes to call the black
cloven-footed gentlemen by their Christian names and surnames; and what is
stranger yet, they use them as their greatest cronies, and make them so
often the executors of their wills, not only giving themselves, but
everybody and everything, to the devil, that there’s no doubt but he takes
care to seize, soon or late, what’s so zealously bequeathed him. Indeed,
‘tis true Lucifer does not always immediately appear by his lawful
attorneys; but, alas! ‘tis not for want of goodwill; he is really to be
excused for his delay; for what the devil would you have a devil do? He
and his black guards are then at some other places, according to the
priority of the persons that call on them; therefore, pray let none be so
venturesome as to think that the devils are deaf and blind.
He then told us that more wrecks had happened about those square rocks, and
a greater loss of body and goods, than about all the Syrtes, Scyllas and
Charybdes, Sirens, Strophades, and gulfs in the universe. I had not much
ado to believe it, remembering that formerly, among the wise Egyptians,
Neptune was described in hieroglyphics for the first cube, Apollo by an
ace, Diana by a deuce, Minerva by seven, and so forth.
He also told us that there was a phial of sanc-greal, a most divine thing,
and known to a few. Panurge did so sweeten up the syndics of the place