Gargantua and Pantagruel
wilt have business enough on thy hands when it comes to thy turn to answer.
(Damme, thou liest, said Friar John, silently.) Dost thou think, continued
my lord, thou art in the wilderness of your foolish university, wrangling
and bawling among the idle, wandering searchers and hunters after truth? By
gold, we have here other fish to fry; we go another gate’s-way to work, that
we do. By gold, people here must give categorical answers to what they
don’t know. By gold, they must confess they have done those things which
they have not nor ought to have done. By gold, they must protest that they
know what they never knew in their lives; and, after all, patience perforce
must be their only remedy, as well as a mad dog’s. Here silly geese are
plucked, yet cackle not. Sirrah, give me--an account whether you had a
letter of attorney, or whether you were feed or no, that you offered to bawl
in another man’s cause? I see you had no authority to speak, and I may
chance to have you wed to something you won’t like. Oh, you devils, cried
Friar John, proto-devils, panto-devils, you would wed a monk, would you? Ho
hu! ho hu! A heretic! a heretic! I’ll give thee out for a rank heretic.
Chapter 5.XIII.
How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all’s riddle.
Gripe-men-all, as if he had not heard what Friar John said, directed his
discourse to Panurge, saying to him, Well, what have you to say for
yourself, Mr. Rogue-enough, hah? Give, give me out of hand--an answer.
Say? quoth Panurge; why, what would you have me say? I say that we are
damnably beshit, since you give no heed at all to the equity of the plea,
and the devil sings among you. Let this answer serve for all, I beseech
you, and let us go out about our business; I am no longer able to hold out,
as gad shall judge me.
Go to, go to, cried Gripe-men-all; when did you ever hear that for these
three hundred years last past anybody ever got out of this weel without
leaving something of his behind him? No, no, get out of the trap if you
can without losing leather, life, or at least some hair, and you will have
done more than ever was done yet. For why, this would bring the wisdom of
the court into question, as if we had took you up for nothing, and dealt
wrongfully by you. Well, by hook or by crook, we must have something out
of you. Look ye, it is a folly to make a rout for a fart and ado; one word
is as good as twenty. I have no more to say to thee, but that, as thou
likest thy former entertainment, thou wilt tell me more of the next; for it
will go ten times worse with thee unless, by gold, you give me--a solution
to the riddle I propounded. Give, give--it, without any more ado.
By gold, quoth Panurge, ‘tis a black mite or weevil which is born of a
white bean, and sallies out at the hole which he makes gnawing it; the mite
being turned into a kind of fly, sometimes walks and sometimes flies over
hills and dales. Now Pythagoras, the philosopher, and his sect, besides
many others, wondering at its birth in such a place (which makes some argue
for equivocal generation), thought that by a metempsychosis the body of
that insect was the lodging of a human soul. Now, were you men here, after
your welcomed death, according to his opinion, your souls would most
certainly enter into the body of mites or weevils; for in your present
state of life you are good for nothing in the world but to gnaw, bite, eat,
and devour all things, so in the next you’ll e’en gnaw and devour your
mother’s very sides, as the vipers do. Now, by gold, I think I have fairly
solved and resolved your riddle.
May my bauble be turned into a nutcracker, quoth Friar John, if I could not
almost find in my heart to wish that what comes out at my bunghole were
beans, that these evil weevils might feed as they deserve.
Panurge then, without any more ado, threw a large leathern purse stuffed
with gold crowns (ecus au soleil) among them.
The Furred Law-cats no sooner heard the jingling of the chink but they all
began to bestir their claws, like a parcel of fiddlers running a division;
and then fell to’t, squimble, squamble, catch that catch can. They all
said aloud, These are the fees, these are the gloves; now, this is somewhat
like a tansy. Oh! ‘twas a pretty trial, a sweet trial, a dainty trial. O’
my word, they did not starve the cause. These are none of your snivelling
forma pauperis’s; no, they are noble clients, gentlemen every inch of them.
By gold, it is gold, quoth Panurge, good old gold, I’ll assure you.
Saith Gripe-men-all, The court, upon a full hearing (of the gold, quoth
Panurge), and weighty reasons given, finds the prisoners not guilty, and
accordingly orders them to be discharged out of custody, paying their fees.
Now, gentlemen, proceed, go forwards, said he to us; we have not so much of
the devil in us as we have of his hue; though we are stout, we are
merciful.
As we came out at the wicket, we were conducted to the port by a detachment
of certain highland griffins, scribere cum dashoes, who advised us before
we came to our ships not to offer to leave the place until we had made the
usual presents, first to the Lady Gripe-men-all, then to all the Furred
Law-pusses; otherwise we must return to the place from whence we came.
Well, well, said Friar John, we’ll fumble in our fobs, examine every one of
us his concern, and e’en give the women their due; we’ll ne’er boggle or
stick out on that account; as we tickled the men in the palm, we’ll tickle
the women in the right place. Pray, gentlemen, added they, don’t forget to
leave somewhat behind you for us poor devils to drink your healths. O
lawd! never fear, answered Friar John, I don’t remember that I ever went
anywhere yet where the poor devils are not remembered and encouraged.
Chapter 5.XIV.
How the Furred Law-cats live on corruption.
Friar John had hardly said those words ere he perceived seventy-eight
galleys and frigates just arriving at the port. So he hied him thither to
learn some news; and as he asked what goods they had o’ board, he soon
found that their whole cargo was venison, hares, capons, turkeys, pigs,
swine, bacon, kids, calves, hens, ducks, teals, geese, and other poultry
and wildfowl.
He also spied among these some pieces of velvet, satin, and damask. This
made him ask the new-comers whither and to whom they were going to carry
those dainty goods. They answered that they were for Gripe-men-all and the
Furred Law-cats.
Pray, asked he, what is the true name of all these things in your country
language? Corruption, they replied. If they live on corruption, said the
friar, they will perish with their generation. May the devil be damned, I
have it now: their fathers devoured the good gentlemen who, according to
their state of life, used to go much a-hunting and hawking, to be the
better inured to toil in time of war; for hunting is an image of a martial
life, and Xenophon was much in the right of it when he affirmed that
hunting had yielded a great number of excellent warriors, as well as the
Trojan horse. For my part, I am no scholar; I have it but by hearsay, yet
I believe it. Now the souls of those brave fellows, according to
Gripe-men-all’s riddle, after their decease enter into wild boars, stags,
roebucks, herns, and such other creatures which they loved, and in quest of
which they went while they were men; and these Furred Law-cats, having
first destroyed and devoured their castles, lands, demesnes, possessions,
rents, and revenues, are still seeking to have their blood and soul in
another life. What an honest fellow was that same mumper who had
forewarned us of all these things, and bid us take notice of the mangers
above the racks!
But, said Panurge to the new-comers, how do you come by all this venison?
Methinks the great king has issued out a proclamation strictly inhibiting
the destroying of stags, does, wild boars, roebucks, or other royal game,
on pain of death. All this is true enough, answered one for the rest, but
the great king is so good and gracious, you must know, and these Furred
Law-cats so curst and cruel, so mad, and thirsting after Christian blood,
that we have less cause to fear in trespassing against that mighty
sovereign’s commands than reason to hope to live if we do not continually
stop the mouths of these Furred Law-cats with such bribes and corruption.
Besides, added he, to-morrow Gripe-men-all marries a furred law-puss of his
to a high and mighty double-furred law-tybert. Formerly we used to call
them chop-hay; but alas! they are not such neat creatures now as to eat
any, or chew the cud. We call them chop-hares, chop-partridges,
chop-woodcocks, chop-pheasants, chop-pullets, chop-venison, chop-coneys,
chop-pigs, for they scorn to feed on coarser meat. A t--d for their chops,
cried Friar John, next year we’ll have ‘em called chop-dung, chop-stront,
chop-filth.
Would you take my advice? added he to the company. What is it? answered
we. Let’s do two things, returned he. First, let us secure all this
venison and wild fowl--I mean, paying well for them; for my part, I am but
too much tired already with our salt meat, it heats my flanks so horribly.
In the next place, let’s go back to the wicket, and destroy all these
devilish Furred Law-cats. For my part, quoth Panurge, I know better
things; catch me there, and hang me. No, I am somewhat more inclined to be
fearful than bold; I love to sleep in a whole skin.
Chapter 5.XV.
How Friar John talks of rooting out the Furred Law-cats.
Virtue of the frock, quoth Friar John, what kind of voyage are we making?
A shitten one, o’ my word; the devil of anything we do but fizzling,
farting, funking, squattering, dozing, raving, and doing nothing.
Ods-belly, ‘tisn’t in my nature to lie idle; I mortally hate it. Unless I
am doing some heroic feat every foot, I can’t sleep one wink o’ nights.
Damn it, did you then take me along with you for your chaplain, to sing mass
and shrive you? By Maundy Thursday, the first of ye all that comes to me on
such an account shall be fitted; for the only penance I’ll enjoin shall be,
that he immediately throw himself headlong overboard into the sea like a
base cowhearted son of ten fathers. This in deduction of the pains of
purgatory.
What made Hercules such a famous fellow, d’ye think? Nothing but that
while he travelled he still made it his business to rid the world of
tyrannies, errors, dangers, and drudgeries; he still put to death all
robbers, all monsters, all venomous serpents and hurtful creatures. Why
then do we not follow his example, doing as he did in the countries through
which we pass? He destroyed the Stymphalides, the Lernaean hydra, Cacus,
Antheus, the Centaurs, and what not; I am no clericus, those that are such
tell me so.
In imitation of that noble by-blow, let’s destroy and root out these wicked
Furred Law-cats, that are a kind of ravenous devils; thus we shall remove
all manner of tyranny out of the land. Mawmet’s tutor swallow me body and
soul, tripes and guts, if I would stay to ask your help or advice in the
matter were I but as strong as he was. Come, he that would be thought a
gentleman, let him storm a town; well, then, shall we go? I dare swear
we’ll do their business for them with a wet finger; they’ll bear it, never
fear; since they could swallow down more foul language that came from us
than ten sows and their babies could swill hogwash. Damn ‘em, they don’t
value all the ill words or dishonour in the world at a rush, so they but
get the coin into their purses, though they were to have it in a shitten
clout. Come, we may chance to kill ‘em all, as Hercules would have done
had they lived in his time. We only want to be set to work by another