Gargantua and Pantagruel
who ran away six hours before the battle--one of them as far as to
Lainiel-neck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third
even unto Logroine, without looking back or taking breath by the way--and
two of the cake-bakers who were slain in the fight. Gargantua did them no
other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses of his
printing-house which he had newly set up. Then those who died there he
caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile valley and Burn-hag field, and
gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had care of in his great
hospital or nosocome. After this, considering the great prejudice done to
the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges and repaired all
the losses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had
sustained; and, for their better defence and security in times coming
against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be
built there with a competent garrison to maintain it. At his departure he
did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that had been at
this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several
stations and garrisons; the decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field
on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he
brought along with himself unto Grangousier.
At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not
possible fully to describe it. He made them a feast the most magnificent,
plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the king
Ahasuerus. At the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his
whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen
bezants (Each bezant is worth five pounds English money.) of gold, in great
antique vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets,
candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold,
besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all
men’s estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold. Then unto
every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of
twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money. And, further, he gave to each
of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless he should happen to decease
without heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands of his as were most
commodious for them. To Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to Gymnast,
the Coudray; to Eudemon, Montpensier; Rivau, to Tolmere, to Ithibolle,
Montsoreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte; Gravot, to Sebast;
Quinquenais, to Alexander; Legre, to Sophrone, and so of his other places.
Chapter 1.LII.
How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme.
There was left only the monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have made
Abbot of Seville, but he refused it. He would have given him the Abbey of
Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent, which was better, or both, if it pleased
him; but the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never
take upon him the charge nor government of monks. For how shall I be able,
said he, to rule over others, that have not full power and command of
myself? If you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable
service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and fancy. The
motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the
country of Theleme by the river of Loire till within two leagues of the
great forest of Port-Huaulx. The monk then requested Gargantua to
institute his religious order contrary to all others. First, then, said
Gargantua, you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other
abbeys are strongly walled and mured about. See, said the monk, and not
without cause (seeing wall and mur signify but one and the same thing);
where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy,
and mutual conspiracy. Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the
world whereof the custom is, if any woman come in, I mean chaste and honest
women, they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon;
therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman entered into religious
orders should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should be
thoroughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed. And because
in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and
regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there should
be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities and
incident occasions all their hours should be disposed of; for, said
Gargantua, the greatest loss of time that I know is to count the hours.
What good comes of it? Nor can there be any greater dotage in the world
than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and
not by his own judgment and discretion.
Item, Because at that time they put no women into nunneries but such as
were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen,
fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men but those
that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple
sots, or peevish trouble-houses. But to the purpose, said the monk. A
woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she? To make a nun
of, said Gargantua. Yea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks.
Therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted
no women that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor
men that were not comely, personable, and well conditioned.
Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, privily,
and by stealth, it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be
no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women.
Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders
after the expiring of their noviciate or probation year were constrained
and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life, it was
therefore ordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this
abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment
whensoever it should seem good to them so to do.
Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows,
to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience, it was therefore
constituted and appointed that in this convent they might be honourably
married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard of the
legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above
which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted
from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen.
Chapter 1.LIII.
How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed.
For the fabric and furniture of the abbey Gargantua caused to be delivered
out in ready money seven-and-twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and
one-and-thirty of those golden rams of Berry which have a sheep stamped on
the one side and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until
the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns
of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the
receipt of the custom. For the foundation and maintenance thereof for
ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three-and-twenty hundred,
three score and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles,
exempted from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and
payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this by letters patent
passed a very good grant. The architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and
in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there was built a
great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of a like
form and bigness. Upon the north side ran along the river of Loire, on the
bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic. Going towards the east,
there was another called Calaer,--the next following Anatole,--the next
Mesembrine,--the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower was
distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The whole
edifice was everywhere six storeys high, reckoning the cellars underground
for one. The second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the
rest were ceiled with pure wainscot, flourished with Flanders fretwork, in
the form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above with fine slates, with an
endorsement of lead, carrying the antique figures of little puppets and
animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and gilt,
together with the gutters, which, jutting without the walls from betwixt
the crossbars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to
the very ground, where they ended into great conduit-pipes, which carried
all away unto the river from under the house.
This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than
ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly; for there were in it nine
thousand, three hundred and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof had
a withdrawing-room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat
passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. Between every tower in
the midst of the said body of building there was a pair of winding, such as
we now call lantern stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, which
is a dark red marble spotted with white, part of Numidian stone, which is a
kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon various colours, and part of
serpentine marble, with light spots on a dark green ground, each of those
steps being two-and-twenty foot in length and three fingers thick, and the
just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as we now term it,
landing-place. In every resting-place were two fair antique arches where
the light came in: and by those they went into a cabinet, made even with
and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending above the roofs
of the house ended conically in a pavilion. By that vise or winding they
entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the
chambers. From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were the fair great
libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian, and Spanish,
respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the
diversity of these languages. In the midst there was a wonderful scalier or
winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch
six fathom broad. It was made in such symmetry and largeness that six
men-at-arms with their lances in their rests might together in a breast ride
all up to the very top of all the palace. From the tower Anatole to the
Mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with
the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the world. In the
midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate as we said
there was on the river-side. Upon that gate was written in great antique
letters that which followeth.
Chapter 1.LIV.
The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme.
Here enter not vile bigots, hypocrites,
Externally devoted apes, base snites,
Puffed-up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the Huns,
Or Ostrogoths, forerunners of baboons:
Cursed snakes, dissembled varlets, seeming sancts,
Slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants,
Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls,
Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls,
Fomenters of divisions and debates,
Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits.
Your filthy trumperies
Stuffed with pernicious lies
(Not worth a bubble),
Would do but trouble
Our earthly paradise,
Your filthy trumperies.