Gargantua and Pantagruel
make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,--and withal he made
a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns.
Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson
dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin? Will you have
chains, gold, tablets, rings? You need no more but say, Yes; so far as
fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me. By the virtue
of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him,
No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you. By G--, said he, but I will
have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing,
neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it. Hold!
--showing his long codpiece--this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for
lodging!--and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out,
yet not very loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his
false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me do a
little? A turd for you! You do not deserve so much good, nor so much
honour; but, by G--, I will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran
away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally
fearful.
Chapter 2.XXII.
How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well.
Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus
Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and
on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin,
under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.
The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side
and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her
with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day
and night. In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of
her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces
as small as he could. Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went
to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as
the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge
sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously. Then, a
little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by
her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner
as followeth.
A Roundelay.
For this one time, that I to you my love
Discovered, you did too cruel prove,
To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,
Who never any wrong to you had done,
In any kind of action, word, or thought:
So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought
T’ have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,
My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,
For this one time.
What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,
With favour and compassion, how a spark
Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart
With deep affection, and that, for my part,
I only ask that you with me would dance
The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,
For this one time?
And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very
promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers
places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown. Then
said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease. As for
me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I
suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in
purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery.
Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church
came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed
upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their
member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the
greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of driving them
away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or
oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did
compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with
their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others
in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed
upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much
ado to save her. Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of
the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some
greyhound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the dogs were
flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and
every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud
or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call
Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he
went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying,
Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding? Away, hence, avant,
avant, with a devil avant! And being come home, he said to Pantagruel,
Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are
assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line
her. Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery,
which he found very pretty and strange. But the best was at the
procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs
about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever
she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed
her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched. All
the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of
those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her
gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to
retire unto her house, which was a palace. Thither she went, and the dogs
after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain
from laughing. When she was entered into the house and had shut the door
upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so
well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their
urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same
current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for
the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did
heretofore preach publicly. So may God help you, a mill would have ground
corn with it. Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.
Chapter 2.XXIII.
How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had
invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are
so short in France.
A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had
been translated into the land of the fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were
Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the original edition it stands ‘together,
and that.’--M.) that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the
Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a
great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of
the Amaurots. Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man
farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen.
Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little
territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of
other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told
him a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, set down in the Acts of the
Kings of Canarre, saying that in old times countries were not distinguished
into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that King Pharamond
divided them, which was done in manner as followeth. The said king chose
at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and
bold adventurers in Cupid’s duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty,
handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of Picardy, all which he
caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days.
Then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his
wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction
besides, to go unto divers places here and there. And wheresoever they
should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it
should be accounted for a league. Thus went away those brave fellows and
sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at
rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every field’s end,
and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short. But when
they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the
oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so
often, but contented themselves (I mean for the men’s part) with one scurvy
paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany,
Delanes, Germany, and other more remote countries so long. Other men give
other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. To which
Pantagruel willingly adhered. Parting from Rouen, they arrived at
Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon,
Eusthenes, and Carpalin.
In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship,
he received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly kept and
entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus,
--To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men
--P.N.T.G.R.L.
Chapter 2.XXIV.
A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris,
together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring.
When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and
therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it.
Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise
enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond. Wondering at
this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case. Whereupon Panurge
told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and
artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. Therefore,
to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal
ammoniac soaked in water. Then put he it into the water, to see if the
letter was written with the juice of tithymalle. After that he held it up
against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white
onions.
Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not
written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk of
a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with
the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs. Afterwards he rubbed one
corner with the ashes of a swallow’s nest, to see if it were not written
with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the
winter-cherry. He rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it
were not written with the gall of a raven. Then did he dip it into vinegar,
to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge. After
that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was
not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris. Then put
it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to
see whether it were written with stone-alum. But after all experiments,
when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger