Gargantua and Pantagruel
a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares. Then immediately
did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, nine antique wooden
spits. Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirassier
saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their
prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein
the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of
vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a
triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured.
Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little
anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the
great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what
a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps. But, said Panurge,
it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we
might get the upper hand of our enemies. That is well remembered, said
Pantagruel. Therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us
here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed
alive, for it is I that eat the little children. Relate unto us at full
the order, the number, and the strength of the army. To which the prisoner
answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred
giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great. Nevertheless,
not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou,
who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils. Furthermore, one
hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of
hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred
men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and
arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one
hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(That is for me,
said Panurge)--whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others
Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High
Dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages.
Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there? Yes, sir, said the prisoner;
he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes,
which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more
thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants.
It is enough, said Pantagruel. Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go
with me? To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you! I
have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so
the devil one leg of them shall escape. But I am somewhat troubled about
one thing. And what is that? said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge, how I
shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the
whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one
unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and
women in the Venetian conflict. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.
And Carpalin said: The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G--, I do not
bumbaste some one of them. Then said Eusthenes: What! shall not I have
any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up as
that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o’clock, till now that I have
it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils? Truly, said Panurge,
thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the
best case.
How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass? The
devil take him that will do so. We will make use of the right of war, Qui
potest capere, capiat. No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook,
and ride as the world doth. And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this,
and said unto them, You reckon without your host. I am much afraid that,
before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no
great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of
pike and lance. Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that! I will not fail to
bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste. They
are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty
hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus
Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all. For
God’s sake, take you no care for that. Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge;
my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St.
Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their
backs. Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.
Chapter 2.XXVII.
How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge
another in remembrance of the hares. How Pantagruel likewise with his
farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women; and how Panurge
broke a great staff over two glasses.
Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit that
you have now performed I will in this place erect a fair trophy. Then
every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set
up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the
fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees,
stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with
steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman’s sword, a
gauntlet, a horseman’s mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness,
and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a
triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy. And then Pantagruel, for an eternal
memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:--
Here was the prowess made apparent of
Four brave and valiant champions of proof,
Who, without any arms but wit, at once,
Like Fabius, or the two Scipions,
Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore
Crablice, strong rogues ne’er vanquished before.
By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight,
That sleight is much more prevalent than might.
For victory,
As all men see,
Hangs on the ditty
Of that committee
Where the great God
Hath his abode.
Nor doth he it to strong and great men give,
But to his elect, as we must believe;
Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem,
Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him.
Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge halved and
fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin and
the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a
coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four
queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put
salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a
dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of
Beauvais. Then, in imitation of Pantagruel’s verses and trophy, wrote that
which followeth:--
Here was it that four jovial blades sat down
To a profound carousing, and to crown
Their banquet with those wines which please best great
Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state.
Then were the reins and furch of a young hare,
With salt and vinegar, displayed there,
Of which to snatch a bit or two at once
They all fell on like hungry scorpions.
For th’ Inventories
Of Defensories
Say that in heat
We must drink neat
All out, and of
The choicest stuff.
But it is bad to eat of young hare’s flesh,
Unless with vinegar we it refresh.
Receive this tenet, then, without control,
That vinegar of that meat is the soul.
Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too
long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest
eaters do the most martial exploits. There is no shadow like that of
flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of
armour. At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow
like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering
like that of goblets. Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like
that of curtains, no smoke like that of women’s breasts, and no clattering
like that of ballocks. Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap,
and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel!
When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart
that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the
corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men,
ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little
women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow
but like cow’s tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round. How
now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful? By G--, here be
brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will
beget fine hornets and dorflies. So did Pantagruel, and called them
pigmies. Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time
they are increased mightily. But the cranes make war with them
continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for
these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call
whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and
choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their
spleen.
At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both
of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of
them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one foot
from one another. Then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and
a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the
staff did come just to the brims of the glasses. This done, he took a
great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, My
masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for
just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either
breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling one drop
of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our
Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or
goods. But, that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold!
said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this
log. Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop
of the water fell out of the glasses. Then said he, I know a great many
such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance.
Chapter 2.XXVIII.
How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the
Giants.
After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him away,
saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of what
thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for,
as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at furthest, I
will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men and seven
thousand giants, all of them greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly
and against reason thus to invade my country. Wherein Pantagruel feigned
that he had an army at sea. But the prisoner answered that he would yield
himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own
people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for God’s
sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do. Whereunto