Gargantua and Pantagruel
Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence
speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a
boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon
thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet
sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that
if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he
might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension of
danger.
The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the
battle he would have compassion upon him. Whereat Pantagruel said unto
him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole
confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my
part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in
arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but
all my confidence is in God my protector, who doth never forsake those that
in him do put their trust and confidence. This done, the prisoner
requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his
ransom. To which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor
ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty. Go thy
way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil
company, lest some mischief befall thee. The prisoner being gone,
Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner believe
that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till
to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of
our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves,
but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour
of the first sleep.
Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King Anarchus
and his army. When the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told
him how there was a great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown
and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty
horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news. Besides that, he was
charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, he
must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set
upon him. Then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures.
But as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken
with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of
the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that,
for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking
only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his
head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still
pour in wine into his throat with a funnel. Which when his captains,
bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to
try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no. But it so
befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well
that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned;
that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his
captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards,
and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could. Every
man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle
it as fast as they could. In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that
they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp.
Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself
in this business. Departing from the place of the trophies, he took the
mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim’s staff, and put within the
top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of white wine of
Anjou, the rest was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full
of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so
set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers. When he was come near to
the enemy’s camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let
down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the ship,
that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons.
Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that
there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and
thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours which
Panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some
scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar.
After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave
Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is
a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins,
the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides,
which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds
of diuretic or piss-procuring simples. This done, Pantagruel said to
Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you
can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge
their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking
a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and
pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great
voice, and then come away from thence. Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not
good to cloy all their ordnance? No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all
their powder. Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was
appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the
city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so
lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and
sleep, that they never perceived him. He came to the place where their
artillery was, and set their munition on fire. But here was the danger.
The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt. And had
it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting
pig. But he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a
crossbow could not have had a swifter motion. When he was clear of their
trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such
amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been
let loose. At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how? Even
no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to
matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock.
In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark,
and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their
throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like
foxes. Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that
is in us! Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs
which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so
copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten
leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if
his father’s great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would
undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for
she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or
the Danube. Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, They
are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along. But they were
deceived in thinking Pantagruel’s urine had been the blood of their
enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the
pavilions and some small light of the moon.
The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in
the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not
tell what to say nor what to think. Some said that it was the end of the
world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire. Others again
thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them,
did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and
salt.
O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself
against the three hundred giants! O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia,
inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the
logical bridge of asses! Here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to
have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought. Ah,
would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank
who shall read this so veridical history!
Chapter 2.XXIX.
How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed with free-stone,
and Loupgarou their captain.
The giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their king Anarchus
upon their backs as well as they could out of the fort, as Aeneas did to
his father Anchises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy. When
Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the giants
coming forth against you; lay on them with your mast gallantly, like an old
fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man and an
honest. And for our part we will not fail you. I myself will kill to you
a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very easily; and
then this great lecher, Eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will not
spare himself. Be of good courage, therefore, and valiant; charge amongst
them with point and edge, and by all manner of means. Well, said
Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for fifty francs, but let us be
wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two. That is well cacked,
well scummered, said Panurge; do you compare yourself with Hercules? You
have, by G--, more strength in your teeth, and more scent in your bum, than
ever Hercules had in all his body and soul. So much is a man worth as he
esteems himself. Whilst they spake those words, behold! Loupgarou was come
with all his giants, who, seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried
away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good
man. Whereupon he said to his companions the giants, You wenchers of the
low country, by Mahoom! if any of you undertake to fight against these men
here, I will put you cruelly to death. It is my will that you let me fight
single. In the meantime you shall have good sport to look upon us.
Then all the other giants retired with their king to the place where the
flagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades with them, who counterfeited
those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his
fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake -od,
fellow-soldiers, if I would have it to be believed that we make any war at
all. Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our masters fight against
one another. To this the king and giants jointly condescended, and
accordingly made them to banquet with them. In the meantime Panurge told
them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of a
tub. Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of
steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred
quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed
diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of Our Lady’s
Church at Paris--there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or at
most, that I may not lie, of the back of those knives which they call
cutlugs or earcutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no