In Praise of Folly
And yet after all, they are not so much discouraged, but that they
dream fine things still, and animate others what they can to the like
undertakings; nay, when their hopes come to the last gasp, after all
their disappointments, they have yet one _salvo_ for their credit,
that:--
_In great exploits our bare attempts suffice._
And so inveigh against the shortness of their life, which allows them
not time enough to bring their designs to maturity and perfection.
Whether dice-players may be so favourably dealt with as to be admitted
among the rest is scarce yet resolved upon: but sure it is hugely vain
and ridiculous, when we see some persons so devoutly addicted to this
diversion, that at the first rattle of the box their heart shakes within
them, and keeps consort with the motion of the dice: they are egg'd on
so long with the hopes of always winning, till at last, in a literal
sense, they have thrown away their whole estate, and made shipwreck of
all they have, scarce escaping to shore with their own clothes to their
backs; thinking it in the meanwhile a great piece of religion to be just
in the payment of their stakes, and will cheat any creditor sooner than
him who trusts them in play: and that poring old men, that cannot tell
their cast without the help of spectacles, should be sweating at the
same sport; nay, that such decrepit blades, as by the gout have lost
the use of their fingers, should look over, and hire others to throw for
them. This indeed is prodigiously extravagant; but the consequence of it
ends so oft in downright madness, that it seems rather to belong to the
furies than to folly.
The next to be placed among the regiment of fools are such as make a
trade of telling or inquiring after incredible stories of miracles and
prodigies: never doubting that a lie will choke them, they will muster
up a thousand several strange relations of spirits, ghosts, apparitions,
raising of the devil, and such like bugbears of superstition, which the
farther they are from being probably true, the more greedily they are
swallowed, and the more devoudy believed. And these absurdities do not
only bring an empty pleasure, and cheap divertisement, but they are a
good trade, and procure a comfortable income to such priests and friars
as by this craft get their gain. To these again are nearly related such
others as attribute strange virtues to the shrines and images of saints
and martyrs, and so would make their credulous proselytes believe, that
if they pay their devotion to St. Christopher in the morning, they
shall be guarded and secured the day following from all dangers and
misfortunes: if soldiers, when they first take arms, shall come and
mumble over such a set prayer before the picture of St. Barbara, they
shall return safe from all engagements: or if any pray to Erasmus on
such particular holidays, with the ceremony of wax candles, and other
fopperies, he shall in a short time be rewarded with a plentiful
increase of wealth and riches. The Christians have now their gigantic
St. George, as well as the pagans had their Hercules; they paint the
saint on horseback, and drawing the horse in splendid trappings, very
gloriously accoutred, they scarce refrain in a literal sense from
worshipping the very beast. What shall I say of such as cry up and
maintain the cheat of pardons and indulgences? that by these compute the
time of each soul's residence in purgatory, and assign them a longer or
shorter continuance, according as they purchase more or fewer of these
paltry pardons, and saleable exemptions? Or what can be said bad enough
of others, who pretend that by the force of such magical charms, or
by the fumbling over their beads in the rehearsal of such and such
petitions (which some religious impostors invented, either for
diversion, or what is more likely for advantage), they shall procure
riches, honour, pleasure, health, long life, a lusty old age, nay, after
death a sitting at the right hand of our Saviour in His kingdom; though
as to this last part of their happiness, they care not how long it
be deferred, having scarce any appetite toward a tasting the joys of
heaven, till they are surfeited, glutted with, and can no longer relish
their enjoyments on earth. By this easy way of purchasing pardons, any
notorious highwayman, any plundering soldier, or any bribe-taking judge,
shall disburse some part of their unjust gains, and so think all their
grossest impieties sufficiently atoned for; so many perjuries, lusts,
drunkenness, quarrels, bloodsheds, cheats, treacheries, and all sorts of
debaucheries, shall all be, as it were, struck a bargain for, and such a
contract made, as if they had paid off all arrears, and might now begin
upon a new score.
And what can be more ridiculous, than for some others to be confident of
going to heaven by repeating daily those seven verses out of the Psalms,
which the devil taught St. Bernard, thinking thereby to have put a trick
upon him, but that he was over-reached in his cunning.
Several of these fooleries, which are so gross and absurd, as I myself
am even ashamed to own, are practised and admired, not only by the
vulgar, but by such proficients in religion as one might well expect
should have more wit.
From the same principles of folly proceeds the custom of each country's
challenging their particular guardian-saint; nay, each saint has his
distinct office allotted to him, and is accordingly addressed to upon
the respective occasions: as one for the tooth-ache, a second to grant
an easy delivery in child-birth, a third to help persons to lost
goods, another to protect seamen in a long voyage, a fifth to guard the
farmer's cows and sheep, and so on; for to rehearse all instances would
be extremely tedious.
There are some more catholic saints petitioned to upon all occasions, as
more especially the Virgin Mary, whose blind devotees think it manners
now to place the mother before the Son.
And of all the prayers and intercessions that are made to these
respective saints the substance of them is no more than downright Folly.
Among all the trophies that for tokens of gratitude are hung upon the
walls and ceilings of churches, you shall find no relics presented as
a memorandum of any that were ever cured of Folly, or had been made one
dram the wiser. One perhaps after shipwreck got safe to shore; another
recovered when he had been run through by an enemy; one, when all his
fellow-soldiers were killed upon the spot, as cunningly perhaps as
cowardly, made his escape from the field; another, while he was a
hanging, the rope broke, and so he saved his neck, and renewed his
licence for practising his old trade of thieving; another broke gaol,
and got loose; a patient, against his physician's will, recovered of a
dangerous fever; another drank poison, which putting him into a violent
looseness, did his body more good than hurt, to the great grief of
his wife, who hoped upon this occasion to have become a joyful widow;
another had his waggon overturned, and yet none of his horses lamed;
another had caught a grievous fall, and yet recovered from the bruise;
another had been tampering with his neighbour's wife, and escaped very
narrowly from being caught by the enraged cuckold in the very act. After
all these acknowledgments of escapes from such singular dangers, there
is none (as I have before intimated) that return thanks for being freed
from Folly; Folly being so sweet and luscious, that it is rather sued
for as a happiness, than deprecated as a punishment But why should I
launch out into so wide a sea of superstitions?
_Had I as many tongues as Argus eyes, Briareus hands, they all would not
suffice Folly in all her shapes t' epitomise._
Almost all Christians being wretchedly enslaved to blindness and
ignorance, which the priests are so far from preventing or removing,
that they blacken the darkness, and promote the delusion; wisely
foreseeing that the people (like cows, which never give down their milk
so well as when they are gently stroked), would part with less if they
knew more, their bounty proceeding only from a mistake of charity. Now
if any grave wise man should stand up, and unseasonably speak the truth,
telling every one that a pious life is the only way of securing a happy
death; that the best title to a pardon of our sins is purchased by a
hearty abhorrence of our guilt, and sincere resolutions of amendment;
that the best devotion which can be paid to any saints is to imitate
them in their exemplary life: if he should proceed thus to inform them
of their several mistakes, there would be quite another estimate put
upon tears, watchings, masses, fastings, and other severities, which
before were so much prized, as persons will now be vexed to lose that
satisfaction they formerly found in them.
In the same predicament of fools are to be ranked such, as while they
are yet living, and in good health, take so great a care how they shall
be buried when they die, that they solemnly appoint how many torches,
how many escutcheons, how many gloves to be given, and how many mourners
they will have at their funeral; as if they thought they themselves in
their coffins could be sensible of what respect was paid to their
corpse; or as if they doubted they should rest a whit the less quiet in
the grave if they were with less state and pomp interred.
Now though I am in so great haste, as I would not willingly be stopped
or detained, yet I cannot pass by without bestowing some remarks upon
another sort of fools; who, though their first descent was perhaps no
better than from a tapster or tinker, yet highly value themselves upon
their birth and parentage. One fetches his pedigree from AEneas, another
from Brute, a third from king Arthur: they hang up their ancestors'
worm-eaten pictures as records of antiquity, and keep a long list of
their predecessors, with an account of all their offices and tides,
while they themselves are but transcripts of their forefathers' dumb
statues, and degenerate even into those very beasts which they carry
in their coat of arms as ensigns of their nobility: and yet by a strong
presumption of their birth and quality, they live not only the most
pleasant and unconcerned themselves, but there are not wanting others
too who cry up these brutes almost equal to the gods. But why should I
dwell upon one or two instances of Folly, when there are so many of like
nature. Conceitedness and self-love making many by strength of Fancy
believe themselves happy, when otherwise they are really wretched and
despicable. Thus the most ape-faced, ugliest fellow in the whole town,
shall think himself a mirror of beauty: another shall be so proud of his
parts, that if he can but mark out a triangle with a pair of compasses,
he thinks he has mastered all the difficulties of geometry, and could
outdo Euclid himself. A third shall admire himself for a ravishing
musician, though he have no more skill in the handling of any instrument
than a pig playing on the organs: and another that rattles in the throat
as hoarse as a cock crows, shall be proud of his voice, and think he
sings like a nightingale.
There is another very pleasant sort of madness, whereby persons assume
to themselves whatever of accomplishment they discern in others. Thus
the happy rich churl in Seneca, who had so short a memory, as he could
not tell the least story without a servant standing by to prompt him,
and was at the same time so weak that he could scarce go upright, yet he
thought he might adventure to accept a challenge to a duel, because he
kept at home some lusty, sturdy fellows, whose strength he relied upon