Lady Windermere's Fan
I’m so glad Lady Windermere has revived cards.—They’re a mother’s only
safeguard. You dear simple little thing! [_Scratches out two names_.]
No nice girl should ever waltz with such particularly younger sons! It
looks so fast! The last two dances you might pass on the terrace with
Mr. Hopper.
[_Enter_ MR. DUMBY _and_ LADY PLYMDALE _from the ball-room_.]
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. [_Fanning herself_.] The air is so pleasant there.
PARKER. Mrs. Cowper-Cowper. Lady Stutfield. Sir James Royston. Mr.
Guy Berkeley.
[_These people enter as announced_.]
DUMBY. Good evening, Lady Stutfield. I suppose this will be the last
ball of the season?
LADY STUTFIELD. I suppose so, Mr. Dumby. It’s been a delightful season,
hasn’t it?
DUMBY. Quite delightful! Good evening, Duchess. I suppose this will be
the last ball of the season?
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. I suppose so, Mr. Dumby. It has been a very dull
season, hasn’t it?
DUMBY. Dreadfully dull! Dreadfully dull!
MR. COWPER-COWPER. Good evening, Mr. Dumby. I suppose this will be the
last ball of the season?
DUMBY. Oh, I think not. There’ll probably be two more. [_Wanders back
to_ LADY PLYMDALE.]
PARKER. Mr. Rufford. Lady Jedburgh and Miss Graham. Mr. Hopper.
[_These people enter as announced_.]
HOPPER. How do you do, Lady Windermere? How do you do, Duchess? [_Bows
to_ LADY AGATHA.]
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Dear Mr. Hopper, how nice of you to come so early.
We all know how you are run after in London.
HOPPER. Capital place, London! They are not nearly so exclusive in
London as they are in Sydney.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Ah! we know your value, Mr. Hopper. We wish there
were more like you. It would make life so much easier. Do you know, Mr.
Hopper, dear Agatha and I are so much interested in Australia. It must
be so pretty with all the dear little kangaroos flying about. Agatha has
found it on the map. What a curious shape it is! Just like a large
packing case. However, it is a very young country, isn’t it?
HOPPER. Wasn’t it made at the same time as the others, Duchess?
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. How clever you are, Mr. Hopper. You have a
cleverness quite of your own. Now I mustn’t keep you.
HOPPER. But I should like to dance with Lady Agatha, Duchess.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Well, I hope she has a dance left. Have you a dance
left, Agatha?
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. The next one?
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
HOPPER. May I have the pleasure? [LADY AGATHA _bows_.]
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Mind you take great care of my little chatterbox,
Mr. Hopper.
[LADY AGATHA _and_ MR. HOPPER _pass into ball-room_.]
[_Enter_ LORD WINDERMERE.]
LORD WINDERMERE. Margaret, I want to speak to you.
LADY WINDERMERE. In a moment. [_The music drops_.]
PARKER. Lord Augustus Lorton.
[_Enter_ LORD AUGUSTUS.]
LORD AUGUSTUS. Good evening, Lady Windermere.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Sir James, will you take me into the ball-room?
Augustus has been dining with us to-night. I really have had quite
enough of dear Augustus for the moment.
[SIR JAMES ROYSTON _gives the_ DUCHESS _his arm and escorts her into the
ball-room_.]
PARKER. Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Bowden. Lord and Lady Paisley. Lord
Darlington.
[_These people enter as announced_.]
LORD AUGUSTUS. [_Coming up to_ LORD WINDERMERE.] Want to speak to you
particularly, dear boy. I’m worn to a shadow. Know I don’t look it.
None of us men do look what we really are. Demmed good thing, too. What
I want to know is this. Who is she? Where does she come from? Why
hasn’t she got any demmed relations? Demmed nuisance, relations! But
they make one so demmed respectable.
LORD WINDERMERE. You are talking of Mrs. Erlynne, I suppose? I only met
her six months ago. Till then, I never knew of her existence.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You have seen a good deal of her since then.
LORD WINDERMERE. [_Coldly_.] Yes, I have seen a good deal of her since
then. I have just seen her.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Egad! the women are very down on her. I have been dining
with Arabella this evening! By Jove! you should have heard what she said
about Mrs. Erlynne. She didn’t leave a rag on her. . . . [_Aside_.]
Berwick and I told her that didn’t matter much, as the lady in question
must have an extremely fine figure. You should have seen Arabella’s
expression! . . . But, look here, dear boy. I don’t know what to do
about Mrs. Erlynne. Egad! I might be married to her; she treats me with
such demmed indifference. She’s deuced clever, too! She explains
everything. Egad! she explains you. She has got any amount of
explanations for you—and all of them different.
LORD WINDERMERE. No explanations are necessary about my friendship with
Mrs. Erlynne.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Hem! Well, look here, dear old fellow. Do you think she
will ever get into this demmed thing called Society? Would you introduce
her to your wife? No use beating about the confounded bush. Would you
do that?
LORD WINDERMERE. Mrs. Erlynne is coming here to-night.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Your wife has sent her a card?
LORD WINDERMERE. Mrs. Erlynne has received a card.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Then she’s all right, dear boy. But why didn’t you tell
me that before? It would have saved me a heap of worry and demmed
misunderstandings!
[LADY AGATHA _and_ MR. HOPPER _cross and exit on terrace L.U.E._]
PARKER. Mr. Cecil Graham!
[_Enter_ MR. CECIL GRAHAM.]
CECIL GRAHAM. [_Bows to_ LADY WINDERMERE, _passes over and shakes hands
with_ LORD WINDERMERE.] Good evening, Arthur. Why don’t you ask me how
I am? I like people to ask me how I am. It shows a wide-spread interest
in my health. Now, to-night I am not at all well. Been dining with my
people. Wonder why it is one’s people are always so tedious? My father
would talk morality after dinner. I told him he was old enough to know
better. But my experience is that as soon as people are old enough to
know better, they don’t know anything at all. Hallo, Tuppy! Hear you’re
going to be married again; thought you were tired of that game.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You’re excessively trivial, my dear boy, excessively
trivial!
CECIL GRAHAM. By the way, Tuppy, which is it? Have you been twice
married and once divorced, or twice divorced and once married? I say
you’ve been twice divorced and once married. It seems so much more
probable.
LORD AUGUSTUS. I have a very bad memory. I really don’t remember which.
[_Moves away R._]
LADY PLYMDALE. Lord Windermere, I’ve something most particular to ask
you.
LORD WINDERMERE. I am afraid—if you will excuse me—I must join my wife.
LADY PLYMDALE. Oh, you mustn’t dream of such a thing. It’s most
dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in
public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they’re
alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks like a
happy married life. But I’ll tell you what it is at supper. [_Moves
towards door of ball-room_.]
LORD WINDERMERE. [_C._] Margaret! I _must_ speak to you.
LADY WINDERMERE. Will you hold my fan for me, Lord Darlington? Thanks.
[_Comes down to him_.]
LORD WINDERMERE. [_Crossing to her_.] Margaret, what you said before
dinner was, of course, impossible?
LADY WINDERMERE. That woman is not coming here to-night!
LORD WINDERMERE. [_R.C._] Mrs. Erlynne is coming here, and if you in
any way annoy or wound her, you will bring shame and sorrow on us both.
Remember that! Ah, Margaret! only trust me! A wife should trust her
husband!
LADY WINDERMERE. [_C._] London is full of women who trust their
husbands. One can always recognise them. They look so thoroughly
unhappy. I am not going to be one of them. [_Moves up_.] Lord
Darlington, will you give me back my fan, please? Thanks. . . . A useful
thing a fan, isn’t it? . . . I want a friend to-night, Lord Darlington: I
didn’t know I would want one so soon.
LORD DARLINGTON. Lady Windermere! I knew the time would come some day;
but why to-night?
LORD WINDERMERE. I _will_ tell her. I must. It would be terrible if
there were any scene. Margaret . . .
PARKER. Mrs. Erlynne!
[LORD WINDERMERE _starts_. MRS. ERLYNNE _enters_, _very beautifully
dressed and very dignified_. LADY WINDERMERE _clutches at her fan_,
_then lets it drop on the door_. _She bows coldly to_ MRS. ERLYNNE, _who
bows to her sweetly in turn_, _and sails into the room_.]
LORD DARLINGTON. You have dropped your fan, Lady Windermere. [_Picks it
up and hands it to her_.]
MRS. ERLYNNE. [_C._] How do you do, again, Lord Windermere? How
charming your sweet wife looks! Quite a picture!
LORD WINDERMERE. [_In a low voice_.] It was terribly rash of you to
come!
MRS. ERLYNNE. [_Smiling_.] The wisest thing I ever did in my life.
And, by the way, you must pay me a good deal of attention this evening.
I am afraid of the women. You must introduce me to some of them. The
men I can always manage. How do you do, Lord Augustus? You have quite
neglected me lately. I have not seen you since yesterday. I am afraid
you’re faithless. Every one told me so.
LORD AUGUSTUS. [_R._] Now really, Mrs. Erlynne, allow me to explain.
MRS. ERLYNNE. [_R.C._] No, dear Lord Augustus, you can’t explain
anything. It is your chief charm.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Ah! if you find charms in me, Mrs. Erlynne—
[_They converse together_. LORD WINDERMERE _moves uneasily about the
room watching_ MRS. ERLYNNE.]
LORD DARLINGTON. [_To_ LADY WINDERMERE.] How pale you are!
LADY WINDERMERE. Cowards are always pale!
LORD DARLINGTON. You look faint. Come out on the terrace.
LADY WINDERMERE. Yes. [_To_ PARKER.] Parker, send my cloak out.
MRS. ERLYNNE. [_Crossing to her_.] Lady Windermere, how beautifully
your terrace is illuminated. Reminds me of Prince Doria’s at Rome.
[LADY WINDERMERE _bows coldly_, _and goes off with_ LORD DARLINGTON.]
Oh, how do you do, Mr. Graham? Isn’t that your aunt, Lady Jedburgh? I
should so much like to know her.
CECIL GRAHAM. [_After a moment’s hesitation and embarrassment_.] Oh,
certainly, if you wish it. Aunt Caroline, allow me to introduce Mrs.
Erlynne.
MRS. ERLYNNE. So pleased to meet you, Lady Jedburgh. [_Sits beside her
on the sofa_.] Your nephew and I are great friends. I am so much
interested in his political career. I think he’s sure to be a wonderful
success. He thinks like a Tory, and talks like a Radical, and that’s so
important nowadays. He’s such a brilliant talker, too. But we all know
from whom he inherits that. Lord Allandale was saying to me only
yesterday, in the Park, that Mr. Graham talks almost as well as his aunt.
LADY JEDBURGH. [_R._] Most kind of you to say these charming things to
me! [MRS. ERLYNNE _smiles_, _and continues conversation_.]
DUMBY. [_To_ CECIL GRAHAM.] Did you introduce Mrs. Erlynne to Lady
Jedburgh?
CECIL GRAHAM. Had to, my dear fellow. Couldn’t help it! That woman can
make one do anything she wants. How, I don’t know.
DUMBY. Hope to goodness she won’t speak to me! [_Saunters towards_ LADY
PLYMDALE.]
MRS. ERLYNNE. [_C._ _To_ LADY JEDBURGH.] On Thursday? With great
pleasure. [_Rises_, _and speaks to_ LORD WINDERMERE, _laughing_.] What
a bore it is to have to be civil to these old dowagers! But they always
insist on it!
LADY PLYMDALE. [_To_ MR. DUMBY.] Who is that well-dressed woman talking
to Windermere?
DUMBY. Haven’t got the slightest idea! Looks like an _édition de luxe_
of a wicked French novel, meant specially for the English market.
MRS. ERLYNNE. So that is poor Dumby with Lady Plymdale? I hear she is
frightfully jealous of him. He doesn’t seem anxious to speak to me