Letters of Abelard and Heloise
All men, I believe, are under a necessity of paying tribute, at some
time or other, to Love, and it is vain to strive to avoid it. I was a
philosopher, yet this tyrant of the mind triumphed over all my
wisdom; his darts were of greater force than all my reasoning, and
with a sweet constraint he led me whither he pleased. Heaven, amidst
an abundance of blessings with which I was intoxicated, threw in a
heavy affliction. I became a most signal example of its vengeance;
and the more unhappy, because having deprived me of the means of
accomplishing my satisfaction, it left me to the fury of my criminal
desires. I will tell you, my dear friend, the particulars of my
story, and leave you to judge whether I deserved so severe a
correction. I had always an aversion for those light women whom it is
a reproach to pursue; I was ambitious in my choice, and wished to
find some obstacles, that I might surmount them with the greater
glory and pleasure.
There was in Paris a young creature, (ah! _Philintus_!)
formed in a prodigality of Nature, to show mankind a finished
composition; dear _Heloise_! the reputed niece of one _Fulbert_
a canon. Her wit and her beauty would have fired the dullest and most
insensible heart; and her education was equally admirable. _Heloise_
was a mistress of the most polite arts. You may easily imagine that
this did not a little help to captivate me. I saw her; I loved her; I
resolved to endeavour to gain her affections. The thirst of glory
cooled immediately in my heart, and all my passions were lost in this
new one. I thought of nothing but _Heloise_; every thing brought
her image to my mind. I was pensive, restless; and my passion was so
violent as to admit of no restraint. I was always vain and
presumptive; I flattered myself already with the most bewitching
hopes. My reputation had spread itself every where; and could a
virtuous lady resist a man that had confounded all the learned of the
age? I was young;--could she show an infallibility to those vows
which my heart never formed for any but herself? My person was
advantageous enough and by my dress no one would have suspected me
for a Doctor; and dress you know, is not a little engaging with
women. Besides, I had wit enough to write a _billet doux_, and
hoped, if ever she permitted my absent self to entertain her, she
would read with pleasure those breathings of my heart.
Filled with these notions, I thought of nothing but the means to
speak to her. Lovers either find or make all things easy. By the
offices of common friends I gained the acquaintance of Fulbert. And,
can you believe it, _Philintus_? he allowed me the privilege of
his table, and an apartment in his house. I paid him, indeed, a
considerable sum; for persons of his character do nothing without
money. But what would I not have given! You my dear friend, know what
love is; imagine then what a pleasure it must have been to a heart so
inflamed as mine to be always so near the dear object of desire! I
would not have exchanged my happy condition for that of the greatest
monarch upon earth. I saw _Heloise_, I spoke to her: each
action, each confused look, told her the trouble of my soul. And she,
on the other side, gave me ground to hope for every thing from her
generosity. Fulbert desired me to instruct her in philosophy; by this
means I found opportunities of being in private with her and yet I
was sure of all men the most timorous in declaring my passion.
As I was with her one day, alone, Charming _Heloise_, said I,
blushing, if you know yourself, you will not be surprised with what
passion you have inspired me with. Uncommon as it is, I can express
it but with the common terms;--I love you, adorable _Heloise_!
Till now I thought philosophy made us masters, of all our passions,
and that it was a refuge from the storms in which weak mortals are
tossed and shipwrecked; but you have destroyed my security, and
broken this philosophic courage. I have despised riches; honour and
its pageantries could never raise a weak thought in me; beauty alone
hath fired my soul. Happy, if she who raised this passion kindly
receives the declaration; but if it is an offence--No, replied
_Heloise_; she must be very ignorant of your merit who can be
offended at your passion. But, for my own repose, I wish either that
you had not made this declaration, or that I were at liberty not to
suspect your sincerity. Ah, divine _Heloise_, said I, flinging
myself at her feet, I swear by yourself--I was going on to
convince her of the truth of my passion, but heard a noise, and it
was Fulbert. There was no avoiding it, but I must do a violence to my
desire, and change the discourse to some other subject. After this I
found frequent opportunities to free _Heloise_ from those
suspicions which the general insincerity of men had raised in her;
and she too much desired what I said were truth, not to believe it.
Thus there was a most happy understanding between us. The same house,
the same love, united our persons and our desires. How many soft
moments did we pass together! We took all opportunities to express to
each other our mutual affections, and were ingenious in contriving
incidents which might give us a plausible occasion for meeting.
Pyramus and Thisbe's discovery of the crack in the wall was but a
slight representation of our love and its sagacity. In the dead of
night, when Fulbert and his domestics were in a sound sleep, we
improved the time proper to the sweets of love. Not contenting
ourselves, like those unfortunate loves, with giving insipid kisses
to a wall, we made use of all the moments of our charming interviews.
In the place where we met we had no lions to fear, and the study of
philosophy served us for a blind. But I was so far from making any
advances in the sciences that I lost all my taste of them; and when I
was obliged to go from the sight of my dear mistress to my
philosophical exercises, it was with the utmost regret and
melancholy. Love is incapable of being concealed; a word, a look, nay
silence, speaks it. My scholars discovered it first: they saw I had
no longer that vivacity thought to which all things were easy: I
could now do nothing but write verses to sooth my passion. I quitted
Aristotle and his dry maxims, to practise the precepts of the more
ingenious Ovid. No day passed in which I did not compose amorous
verses. Love was my inspiring Apollo. My songs were spread abroad,
and gained me frequent applauses. Those whom were in love as I was
took a pride in learning them; and, by luckily applying my thoughts
and verses, have obtained favours which, perhaps, they could not
otherwise have gained. This gave our amours such an _eclat_,
that the loves of _Heloise_ and _Abelard_ were the subject
of all conversations.
The town-talk at last reached Fulbert's ears. It was with great
difficulty he gave credit to what he heard, for he loved his niece,
and was prejudiced in my favour; but, upon closer examination, he
began to be less incredulous. He surprised us in one of our more soft
conversations. How fatal, sometimes, are the consequences of
curiosity! The anger of Fulbert seemed to moderate on this occasion,
and I feared in the end some more heavy revenge. It is impossible to
express the grief and regret which filled my soul when I was obliged
to leave the canon's house and my dear _Heloise_. But this
separation of our persons the more firmly united our minds; and the
desperate condition we were reduced to, made us capable of attempting
any thing.
My intrigues gave me but little shame, so lovingly did I esteem
the occasion. Think what the gay young divinities said, when Vulcan
caught Mars and the goddess of Beauty in his net, and impute it all
to me. Fulbert surprised me with _Heloise_, and what man that
had a soul in him would not have borne any ignominy on the same
conditions? The next day I provided myself of a private lodging near
the loved house, being resolved not to abandon my prey. I continued
some time without appearing publickly. Ah, how long did those few
moments seem to me! When we fall from a state of happiness, with what
impatience do we bear our misfortunes!
It being impossible that I could live without seeing _Heloise_,
I endeavoured to engage her servant, whose name was _Agaton_, in
my interest. She was brown, well shaped, a person superior to the
ordinary rank; her features regular, and her eyes sparkling; fit to
raise love in any man whose heart was not prepossessed by another
passion. I met her alone, and intreated her to have pity on a
distressed lover. She answered, she would undertake any thing to
serve me, but there was a reward.--At these words I opened my
purse and showed the shining metal, which lays asleep guards, forces
away through rocks, and softens the hearts of the most obdurate fair.
You are mistaken, said she, smiling, and shaking her head--you
do not know me. Could gold tempt me, a rich abbot takes his nightly
station, and sings under my window: he offers to send me to his
abbey, which, he says, is situate in the most pleasant country in the
world. A courtier offers me a considerable sum of money, and assures
me I need have no apprehensions; for if our amours have consequences,
he will marry me to his gentleman, and give him a handsome
employment. To say nothing of a young officer, who patroles about
here every night, and makes his attacks after all imaginable forms.
It must be Love only which could oblige him to follow me; for I have
not like your great ladies, any rings or jewels to tempt him: yet,
during all his siege of love, his feather and his embroidered coat
have not made any breach in my heart. I shall not quickly be brought
to capitulate, I am too faithful to my first conqueror--and then
she looked earnestly on me. I answered, I did not understand her
discourse. She replied, For a man of sense and gallantry you have a
very slow apprehension; I am in love with you _Abelard_. I know
you adore _Heloise_, I do not blame you; I desire only to enjoy
the second place in your affections. I have a tender heart as well as
my mistress; you may without difficulty make returns to my passion.
Do not perplex yourself with unfashionable scruples; a prudent man
ought to love several at the same time; if one should fail, he is not
then left unprovided.
You cannot imagine, _Philintus_, how much I was surprised at
these words. So entirely did I love _Heloise_ that without
reflecting whether Agaton spoke any thing reasonable or not, I
immediately left her. When I had gone a little way from her I looked
back, and saw her biting her nails in the rage of disappointment,
which made me fear some fatal consequences. She hastened to Fulbert,
and told him the offer I had made her, but I suppose concealed the
other part of the story. The Canon never forgave this affront. I
afterwards perceived he was more deeply concerned for his niece than
I at first imagined. Let no lover hereafter follow my example, A
woman rejected is an outrageous creature. Agaton was day and night at
her window on purpose to keep me at a distance from her mistress, and
so gave her own gallants opportunity enough to display their several
abilities.
I was infinitely perplexed what course to take; at last I applied
to _Heloise_ singing-master. The shining metal, which had no
effect on Agaton, charmed him; he was excellently qualified for
conveying a billet with the greatest dexterity and secrecy. He
delivered one of mine to _Heloise_, who, according to my
appointment was ready at the end of a garden, the wall of which I
scaled by a ladder of ropes. I confess to you all my failings,
_Philintus_. How would my enemies, Champeaux and Anselm, have
triumphed, had they seen the redoubted philosopher in such a wretched
condition? Well--I met my soul's joy, my _Heloise_. I shall