Little Dorrit
with her, in the obscure distance?’ Thinking of her, he would have been
troubled anew with a reproachful misgiving that it was not even loyal to
her to dislike him, and that in being so easily prejudiced against him
he was less deserving of her than at first.
‘You are evidently out of spirits,’ said Gowan; ‘I am very much afraid
my mother must have bored you dreadfully.’
‘Believe me, not at all,’ said Clennam. ‘It’s nothing--nothing!’
CHAPTER 27. Five-and-Twenty
A frequently recurring doubt, whether Mr Pancks’s desire to collect
information relative to the Dorrit family could have any possible
bearing on the misgivings he had imparted to his mother on his return
from his long exile, caused Arthur Clennam much uneasiness at this
period. What Mr Pancks already knew about the Dorrit family, what more
he really wanted to find out, and why he should trouble his busy head
about them at all, were questions that often perplexed him. Mr Pancks
was not a man to waste his time and trouble in researches prompted by
idle curiosity. That he had a specific object Clennam could not doubt.
And whether the attainment of that object by Mr Pancks’s industry might
bring to light, in some untimely way, secret reasons which had induced
his mother to take Little Dorrit by the hand, was a serious speculation.
Not that he ever wavered either in his desire or his determination to
repair a wrong that had been done in his father’s time, should a
wrong come to light, and be reparable. The shadow of a supposed act
of injustice, which had hung over him since his father’s death, was
so vague and formless that it might be the result of a reality widely
remote from his idea of it. But, if his apprehensions should prove to
be well founded, he was ready at any moment to lay down all he had, and
begin the world anew. As the fierce dark teaching of his childhood had
never sunk into his heart, so that first article in his code of morals
was, that he must begin, in practical humility, with looking well to
his feet on Earth, and that he could never mount on wings of words to
Heaven. Duty on earth, restitution on earth, action on earth; these
first, as the first steep steps upward. Strait was the gate and narrow
was the way; far straiter and narrower than the broad high road paved
with vain professions and vain repetitions, motes from other men’s eyes
and liberal delivery of others to the judgment--all cheap materials
costing absolutely nothing.
No. It was not a selfish fear or hesitation that rendered him
uneasy, but a mistrust lest Pancks might not observe his part of the
understanding between them, and, making any discovery, might take some
course upon it without imparting it to him. On the other hand, when he
recalled his conversation with Pancks, and the little reason he had to
suppose that there was any likelihood of that strange personage being
on that track at all, there were times when he wondered that he made so
much of it. Labouring in this sea, as all barks labour in cross seas, he
tossed about and came to no haven.
The removal of Little Dorrit herself from their customary association,
did not mend the matter. She was so much out, and so much in her own
room, that he began to miss her and to find a blank in her place. He had
written to her to inquire if she were better, and she had written
back, very gratefully and earnestly telling him not to be uneasy on her
behalf, for she was quite well; but he had not seen her, for what, in
their intercourse, was a long time.
He returned home one evening from an interview with her father, who had
mentioned that she was out visiting--which was what he always said
when she was hard at work to buy his supper--and found Mr Meagles in an
excited state walking up and down his room. On his opening the door, Mr
Meagles stopped, faced round, and said:
‘Clennam!--Tattycoram!’
‘What’s the matter?’
‘Lost!’
‘Why, bless my heart alive!’ cried Clennam in amazement. ‘What do you
mean?’
‘Wouldn’t count five-and-twenty, sir; couldn’t be got to do it; stopped
at eight, and took herself off.’
‘Left your house?’
‘Never to come back,’ said Mr Meagles, shaking his head. ‘You don’t know
that girl’s passionate and proud character. A team of horses couldn’t
draw her back now; the bolts and bars of the old Bastille couldn’t keep
her.’
‘How did it happen? Pray sit down and tell me.’
‘As to how it happened, it’s not so easy to relate: because you must
have the unfortunate temperament of the poor impetuous girl herself,
before you can fully understand it. But it came about in this way. Pet
and Mother and I have been having a good deal of talk together of late.
I’ll not disguise from you, Clennam, that those conversations have not
been of as bright a kind as I could wish; they have referred to our
going away again. In proposing to do which, I have had, in fact, an
object.’
Nobody’s heart beat quickly.
‘An object,’ said Mr Meagles, after a moment’s pause, ‘that I will not
disguise from you, either, Clennam. There’s an inclination on the part
of my dear child which I am sorry for. Perhaps you guess the person.
Henry Gowan.’
‘I was not unprepared to hear it.’
‘Well!’ said Mr Meagles, with a heavy sigh, ‘I wish to God you had never
had to hear it. However, so it is. Mother and I have done all we could
to get the better of it, Clennam. We have tried tender advice, we
have tried time, we have tried absence. As yet, of no use. Our late
conversations have been upon the subject of going away for another year
at least, in order that there might be an entire separation and breaking
off for that term. Upon that question, Pet has been unhappy, and
therefore Mother and I have been unhappy.’
Clennam said that he could easily believe it.
‘Well!’ continued Mr Meagles in an apologetic way, ‘I admit as a
practical man, and I am sure Mother would admit as a practical woman,
that we do, in families, magnify our troubles and make mountains of our
molehills in a way that is calculated to be rather trying to people who
look on--to mere outsiders, you know, Clennam. Still, Pet’s happiness
or unhappiness is quite a life or death question with us; and we may be
excused, I hope, for making much of it. At all events, it might have
been borne by Tattycoram. Now, don’t you think so?’
‘I do indeed think so,’ returned Clennam, in most emphatic recognition
of this very moderate expectation.
‘No, sir,’ said Mr Meagles, shaking his head ruefully. ‘She couldn’t
stand it. The chafing and firing of that girl, the wearing and tearing
of that girl within her own breast, has been such that I have
softly said to her again and again in passing her, “Five-and-twenty,
Tattycoram, five-and-twenty!” I heartily wish she could have gone
on counting five-and-twenty day and night, and then it wouldn’t have
happened.’
Mr Meagles with a despondent countenance in which the goodness of his
heart was even more expressed than in his times of cheerfulness and
gaiety, stroked his face down from his forehead to his chin, and shook
his head again.
‘I said to Mother (not that it was necessary, for she would have thought
it all for herself), we are practical people, my dear, and we know her
story; we see in this unhappy girl some reflection of what was raging in
her mother’s heart before ever such a creature as this poor thing was
in the world; we’ll gloss her temper over, Mother, we won’t notice it at
present, my dear, we’ll take advantage of some better disposition in her
another time. So we said nothing. But, do what we would, it seems as if
it was to be; she broke out violently one night.’
‘How, and why?’
‘If you ask me Why,’ said Mr Meagles, a little disturbed by the
question, for he was far more intent on softening her case than the
family’s, ‘I can only refer you to what I have just repeated as having
been pretty near my words to Mother. As to How, we had said Good night
to Pet in her presence (very affectionately, I must allow), and she
had attended Pet up-stairs--you remember she was her maid. Perhaps Pet,
having been out of sorts, may have been a little more inconsiderate than
usual in requiring services of her: but I don’t know that I have any
right to say so; she was always thoughtful and gentle.’
‘The gentlest mistress in the world.’
‘Thank you, Clennam,’ said Mr Meagles, shaking him by the hand; ‘you
have often seen them together. Well! We presently heard this unfortunate
Tattycoram loud and angry, and before we could ask what was the matter,
Pet came back in a tremble, saying she was frightened of her. Close
after her came Tattycoram in a flaming rage. “I hate you all three,”
says she, stamping her foot at us. “I am bursting with hate of the whole
house.”’
‘Upon which you--?’
‘I?’ said Mr Meagles, with a plain good faith that might have commanded
the belief of Mrs Gowan herself. ‘I said, count five-and-twenty,
Tattycoram.’
Mr Meagles again stroked his face and shook his head, with an air of
profound regret.
‘She was so used to do it, Clennam, that even then, such a picture of
passion as you never saw, she stopped short, looked me full in the face,
and counted (as I made out) to eight. But she couldn’t control herself
to go any further. There she broke down, poor thing, and gave the other
seventeen to the four winds. Then it all burst out. She detested us, she
was miserable with us, she couldn’t bear it, she wouldn’t bear it, she
was determined to go away. She was younger than her young mistress, and
would she remain to see her always held up as the only creature who was
young and interesting, and to be cherished and loved? No. She wouldn’t,
she wouldn’t, she wouldn’t! What did we think she, Tattycoram, might
have been if she had been caressed and cared for in her childhood, like
her young mistress? As good as her? Ah! Perhaps fifty times as good.
When we pretended to be so fond of one another, we exulted over her;
that was what we did; we exulted over her and shamed her. And all in
the house did the same. They talked about their fathers and mothers, and
brothers and sisters; they liked to drag them up before her face. There
was Mrs Tickit, only yesterday, when her little grandchild was with her,
had been amused by the child’s trying to call her (Tattycoram) by the
wretched name we gave her; and had laughed at the name. Why, who didn’t;
and who were we that we should have a right to name her like a dog or a
cat? But she didn’t care. She would take no more benefits from us; she
would fling us her name back again, and she would go. She would leave
us that minute, nobody should stop her, and we should never hear of her
again.’
Mr Meagles had recited all this with such a vivid remembrance of his
original, that he was almost as flushed and hot by this time as he
described her to have been.
‘Ah, well!’ he said, wiping his face. ‘It was of no use trying reason
then, with that vehement panting creature (Heaven knows what her
mother’s story must have been); so I quietly told her that she should
not go at that late hour of night, and I gave her my hand and took her
to her room, and locked the house doors. But she was gone this morning.’
‘And you know no more of her?’
‘No more,’ returned Mr Meagles. ‘I have been hunting about all day. She
must have gone very early and very silently. I have found no trace of
her down about us.’
‘Stay! You want,’ said Clennam, after a moment’s reflection, ‘to see
her? I assume that?’
‘Yes, assuredly; I want to give her another chance; Mother and Pet
want to give her another chance; come! You yourself,’ said Mr Meagles,
persuasively, as if the provocation to be angry were not his own at all,
‘want to give the poor passionate girl another chance, I know, Clennam.’
‘It would be strange and hard indeed if I did not,’ said Clennam, ‘when