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Lysistrata

Aristophanes

But persevere a teeny-weeny longer. An oracle has promised Victory If we don't wrangle. Would you hear the words? WOMEN Yes, yes, what is it? LYSISTRATA Silence then, you chatterboxes. Here-- _Whenas the swallows flocking in one place from the hoopoes Deny themselves love's gambols any more, All woes shall then have ending and great Zeus the Thunderer Shall put above what was below before._ WOMEN Will the men then always be kept under us? LYSISTRATA _But if the swallows squabble among themselves and fly away Out of the temple, refusing to agree, Then The Most Wanton Birds in all the World They shall be named for ever. That's his decree._ WOMAN It's obvious what it means. LYSISTRATA Now by all the gods We must let no agony deter from duty, Back to your quarters. For we are base indeed, My friends, if we betray the oracle. _She goes out._ OLD MEN. I'd like to remind you of a fable they used to employ, When I was a little boy: How once through fear of the marriage-bed a young man, Melanion by name, to the wilderness ran, And there on the hills he dwelt. For hares he wove a net Which with his dog he set-- Most likely he's there yet. For he never came back home, so great was the fear he felt. I loathe the sex as much as he, And therefore I no less shall be As chaste as was Melanion. MAN Grann'am, do you much mind men? WOMAN Onions you won't need, to cry. MAN From my foot you shan't escape. WOMAN What thick forests I espy. MEN So much Myronides' fierce beard And thundering black back were feared, That the foe fled when they were shown-- Brave he as Phormion. WOMEN. Well, I'll relate a rival fable just to show to you A different point of view: There was a rough-hewn fellow, Timon, with a face That glowered as through a thorn-bush in a wild, bleak place. He too decided on flight, This very Furies' son, All the world's ways to shun And hide from everyone, Spitting out curses on all knavish men to left and right. But though he reared this hate for men, He loved the women even then, And never thought them enemies. WOMAN O your jaw I'd like to break. MAN That I fear do you suppose? WOMAN Learn what kicks my legs can make. MAN Raise them up, and you'll expose-- WOMAN Nay, you'll see there, I engage, All is well kept despite my age, And tended smooth enough to slip From any adversary's grip. LYSISTRATA _appears_. LYSISTRATA Hollo there, hasten hither to me Skip fast along. WOMAN What is this? Why the noise? LYSISTRATA A man, a man! I spy a frenzied man! He carries Love upon him like a staff. O Lady of Cyprus, and Cythera, and Paphos, I beseech you, keep our minds and hands to the oath. WOMAN Where is he, whoever he is? LYSISTRATA By the Temple of Chloe. WOMAN Yes, now I see him, but who can he be? LYSISTRATA Look at him. Does anyone recognise his face? MYRRHINE I do. He is my husband, Cinesias. LYSISTRATA You know how to work. Play with him, lead him on, Seduce him to the cozening-point--kiss him, kiss him, Then slip your mouth aside just as he's sure of it, Ungirdle every caress his mouth feels at Save that the oath upon the bowl has locked. MYRRHINE You can rely on me. LYSISTRATA I'll stay here to help In working up his ardor to its height Of vain magnificence.... The rest to their quarters. _Enter_ CINESIAS. Who is this that stands within our lines? CINESIAS I. LYSISTRATA A man? CINESIAS Too much a man! LYSISTRATA Then be off at once. CINESIAS Who are you that thus eject me? LYSISTRATA Guard for the day. CINESIAS By all the gods, then call Myrrhine hither. LYSISTRATA So, call Myrrhine hither! Who are you? CINESIAS I am her husband Cinesias, son of Anthros. LYSISTRATA Welcome, dear friend! That glorious name of yours Is quite familiar in our ranks. Your wife Continually has it in her mouth. She cannot touch an apple or an egg But she must say, "This to Cinesias!" CINESIAS O is that true? LYSISTRATA By Aphrodite, it is. If the conversation strikes on men, your wife Cuts in with, "All are boobies by Cinesias." CINESIAS Then call her here. LYSISTRATA And what am I to get? CINESIAS This, if you want it.... See, what I have here. But not to take away. LYSISTRATA Then I'll call her. CINESIAS Be quick, be quick. All grace is wiped from life Since she went away. O sad, sad am I When there I enter on that loneliness, And wine is unvintaged of the sun's flavour. And food is tasteless. But I've put on weight. MYRRHINE (_above_) I love him O so much! but he won't have it. Don't call me down to him. CINESIAS Sweet little Myrrhine! What do you mean? Come here. MYRRHINE O no I won't. Why are you calling me? You don't want me. CINESIAS Not want you! with this week-old strength of love. MYRRHINE Farewell. CINESIAS Don't go, please don't go, Myrrhine. At least you'll hear our child. Call your mother, lad. CHILD Mummy ... mummy ... mummy! CINESIAS There now, don't you feel pity for the child? He's not been fed or washed now for six days. MYRRHINE I certainly pity him with so heartless a father. CINESIAS Come down, my sweetest, come for the child's sake. MYRRHINE A trying life it is to be a mother! I suppose I'd better go. _She comes down._ CINESIAS How much younger she looks, How fresher and how prettier! Myrrhine, Lift up your lovely face, your disdainful face; And your ankle ... let your scorn step out its worst; It only rubs me to more ardor here. MYRRHINE (_playing with the child_) You're as innocent as he's iniquitous. Let me kiss you, honey-petting, mother's darling. CINESIAS How wrong to follow other women's counsel And let loose all these throbbing voids in yourself As well as in me. Don't you go throb-throb? MYRRHINE Take away your hands. CINESIAS Everything in the house Is being ruined. MYRRHINE I don't care at all. CINESIAS The roosters are picking all your web to rags. Do you mind that? MYRRHINE Not I. CINESIAS What time we've wasted We might have drenched with Paphian laughter, flung On Aphrodite's Mysteries. O come here. MYRRHINE Not till a treaty finishes the war. CINESIAS If you must have it, then we'll get it done. MYRRHINE Do it and I'll come home. Till then I am bound. CINESIAS Well, can't your oath perhaps be got around? MYRRHINE No ... no ... still I'll not say that I don't love you. CINESIAS You love me! Then dear girl, let me also love you. MYRRHINE You must be joking. The boy's looking on. CINESIAS Here, Manes, take the child home!... There, he's gone. There's nothing in the way now. Come to the point. MYRRHINE Here in the open! In plain sight? CINESIAS In Pan's cave. A splendid place. MYRRHINE Where shall I dress my hair again Before returning to the citadel? CINESIAS You can easily primp yourself in the Clepsydra. MYRRHINE But how can I break my oath? CINESIAS Leave that to me, I'll take all risk. MYRRHINE Well, I'll make you comfortable. CINESIAS Don't worry. I'd as soon lie on the grass. MYRRHINE No, by Apollo, in spite of all your faults I won't have you lying on the nasty earth. (_From here MYRRHINE keeps on going off to fetch things._) CINESIAS Ah, how she loves me. MYRRHINE Rest there on the bench, While I arrange my clothes. O what a nuisance, I must find some cushions first. CINESIAS Why some cushions? Please don't get them! MYRRHINE What? The plain, hard wood? Never, by Artemis! That would be too vulgar. CINESIAS Open your arms! MYRRHINE No. Wait a second. CINESIAS O.... Then hurry back again. MYRRHINE Here the cushions are. Lie down while I--O dear! But what a shame, You need more pillows. CINESIAS I don't want them, dear. MYRRHINE But I do. CINESIAS Thwarted affection mine, They treat you just like Heracles at a feast With cheats of dainties, O disappointing arms! MYRRHINE Raise up your head. CINESIAS There, that's everything at last. MYRRHINE Yes, all. CINESIAS Then run to my arms, you golden girl. MYRRHINE I'm loosening my girdle now. But you've not forgotten? You're not deceiving me about the Treaty? CINESIAS No, by my life, I'm not. MYRRHINE Why, you've no blanket. CINESIAS It's not the silly blanket's warmth but yours I want. MYRRHINE Never mind. You'll soon have both. I'll come straight back. CINESIAS The woman will choke me with her coverlets. MYRRHINE Get up a moment. CINESIAS I'm up high enough. MYRRHINE Would you like me to perfume you? CINESIAS By Apollo, no! MYRRHINE By Aphrodite, I'll do it anyway. CINESIAS Lord Zeus, may she soon use up all the myrrh. MYRRHINE Stretch out your hand. Take it and rub it in. CINESIAS Hmm, it's not as fragrant as might be; that is, Not before it's smeared. It doesn't smell of kisses. MYRRHINE How silly I am: I've brought you Rhodian scents. CINESIAS It's good enough, leave it, love. MYRRHINE You must be jesting. CINESIAS Plague rack the man who first compounded scent! MYRRHINE Here, take this flask. CINESIAS I've a far better one. Don't tease me, come here, and get nothing more. MYRRHINE I'm coming.... I'm just drawing off my shoes.... You're sure you will vote for Peace? CINESIAS I'll think about it. _She runs off._ I'm dead: the woman's worn me all away. She's gone and left me with an anguished pulse. MEN Baulked in your amorous delight How melancholy is your plight. With sympathy your case I view; For I am sure it's hard on you. What human being could sustain This unforeseen domestic strain, And not a single trace Of willing women in the place! CINESIAS O Zeus, what throbbing suffering! MEN She did it all, the harlot, she With her atrocious harlotry. WOMEN Nay, rather call her darling-sweet. MEN What, sweet? She's a rude, wicked thing. CINESIAS A wicked thing, as I repeat. O Zeus, O Zeus, Canst Thou not suddenly let loose Some twirling hurricane to tear Her flapping up along the air And drop her, when she's whirled around, Here to the ground Neatly impaled upon the stake That's ready upright for her sake. _He goes out._ _Enter_ SPARTAN HERALD. _The_ MAGISTRATE _comes forward_. HERALD What here gabs the Senate an' the Prytanes? I've fetcht despatches for them. MAGISTRATE Are you a man Or a monstrosity? HERALD My scrimp-brained lad, I'm a herald, as ye see, who hae come frae Sparta Anent a Peace. MAGISTRATE Then why do you hide that lance That sticks out under your arms? HERALD. I've brought no lance. MAGISTRATE Then why do you turn aside and hold your cloak So far out from your body? Is your groin swollen With stress of travelling? HERALD By Castor, I'll swear The man is wud. MAGISTRATE Indeed, your cloak is wide, My rascal fellow. HERALD But I tell ye No! Enow o' fleering! MAGISTRATE Well, what is it then? HERALD It's my despatch cane. MAGISTRATE Of course--a Spartan cane! But speak right out. I know all this too well. Are new privations springing up in Sparta? HERALD Och, hard as could be: in lofty lusty columns Our allies stand united. We maun get Pellene. MAGISTRATE Whence has this evil come? Is it from Pan? HERALD No. Lampito first ran asklent, then the others Sprinted after her example, and blocked, the hizzies, Their wames unskaithed against our every fleech. MAGISTRATE What did you do?