Maria; Or, The Wrongs of Woman
hear the particulars when I am”—calmer, she could not utter; and
Jemima, without importuning her by idle attempts to console her, left
the room.
Plunged in the deepest melancholy, she would not admit Darnford’s
visits; and such is the force of early associations even on strong
minds, that, for a while, she indulged the superstitious notion that
she was justly punished by the death of her child, for having for an
instant ceased to regret her loss. Two or three letters from Darnford,
full of soothing, manly tenderness, only added poignancy to these
accusing emotions; yet the passionate style in which he expressed, what
he termed the first and fondest wish of his heart, “that his affection
might make her some amends for the cruelty and injustice she had
endured,” inspired a sentiment of gratitude to heaven; and her eyes
filled with delicious tears, when, at the conclusion of his letter,
wishing to supply the place of her unworthy relations, whose want of
principle he execrated, he assured her, calling her his dearest girl,
“that it should henceforth be the business of his life to make her
happy.”
He begged, in a note sent the following morning, to be permitted to see
her, when his presence would be no intrusion on her grief, and so
earnestly intreated to be allowed, according to promise, to beguile the
tedious moments of absence, by dwelling on the events of her past life,
that she sent him the memoirs which had been written for her daughter,
promising Jemima the perusal as soon as he returned them.
CHAPTER 7
“Addressing these memoirs to you, my child, uncertain whether I shall
ever have an opportunity of instructing you, many observations will
probably flow from my heart, which only a mother—a mother schooled in
misery, could make.
“The tenderness of a father who knew the world, might be great; but
could it equal that of a mother—of a mother, labouring under a portion
of the misery, which the constitution of society seems to have entailed
on all her kind? It is, my child, my dearest daughter, only such a
mother, who will dare to break through all restraint to provide for
your happiness—who will voluntarily brave censure herself, to ward off
sorrow from your bosom. From my narrative, my dear girl, you may gather
the instruction, the counsel, which is meant rather to exercise than
influence your mind.—Death may snatch me from you, before you can weigh
my advice, or enter into my reasoning: I would then, with fond anxiety,
lead you very early in life to form your grand principle of action, to
save you from the vain regret of having, through irresolution, let the
spring-tide of existence pass away, unimproved, unenjoyed.—Gain
experience—ah! gain it—while experience is worth having, and acquire
sufficient fortitude to pursue your own happiness; it includes your
utility, by a direct path. What is wisdom too often, but the owl of the
goddess, who sits moping in a desolated heart; around me she shrieks,
but I would invite all the gay warblers of spring to nestle in your
blooming bosom.—Had I not wasted years in deliberating, after I ceased
to doubt, how I ought to have acted—I might now be useful and
happy.—For my sake, warned by my example, always appear what you are,
and you will not pass through existence without enjoying its genuine
blessings, love and respect.
“Born in one of the most romantic parts of England, an enthusiastic
fondness for the varying charms of nature is the first sentiment I
recollect; or rather it was the first consciousness of pleasure that
employed and formed my imagination.
“My father had been a captain of a man of war; but, disgusted with the
service, on account of the preferment of men whose chief merit was
their family connections or borough interest, he retired into the
country; and, not knowing what to do with himself—married. In his
family, to regain his lost consequence, he determined to keep up the
same passive obedience, as in the vessels in which he had commanded.
His orders were not to be disputed; and the whole house was expected to
fly, at the word of command, as if to man the shrouds, or mount aloft
in an elemental strife, big with life or death. He was to be
instantaneously obeyed, especially by my mother, whom he very
benevolently married for love; but took care to remind her of the
obligation, when she dared, in the slightest instance, to question his
absolute authority. My eldest brother, it is true, as he grew up, was
treated with more respect by my father; and became in due form the
deputy-tyrant of the house. The representative of my father, a being
privileged by nature—a boy, and the darling of my mother, he did not
fail to act like an heir apparent. Such indeed was my mother’s
extravagant partiality, that, in comparison with her affection for him,
she might be said not to love the rest of her children. Yet none of the
children seemed to have so little affection for her. Extreme indulgence
had rendered him so selfish, that he only thought of himself; and from
tormenting insects and animals, he became the despot of his brothers,
and still more of his sisters.
“It is perhaps difficult to give you an idea of the petty cares which
obscured the morning of my life; continual restraint in the most
trivial matters; unconditional submission to orders, which, as a mere
child, I soon discovered to be unreasonable, because inconsistent and
contradictory. Thus are we destined to experience a mixture of
bitterness, with the recollection of our most innocent enjoyments.
“The circumstances which, during my childhood, occurred to fashion my
mind, were various; yet, as it would probably afford me more pleasure
to revive the fading remembrance of newborn delight, than you, my
child, could feel in the perusal, I will not entice you to stray with
me into the verdant meadow, to search for the flowers that youthful
hopes scatter in every path; though, as I write, I almost scent the
fresh green of spring—of that spring which never returns!
“I had two sisters, and one brother, younger than myself, my brother
Robert was two years older, and might truly be termed the idol of his
parents, and the torment of the rest of the family. Such indeed is the
force of prejudice, that what was called spirit and wit in him, was
cruelly repressed as forwardness in me.
“My mother had an indolence of character, which prevented her from
paying much attention to our education. But the healthy breeze of a
neighbouring heath, on which we bounded at pleasure, volatilized the
humours that improper food might have generated. And to enjoy open air
and freedom, was paradise, after the unnatural restraint of our
fireside, where we were often obliged to sit three or four hours
together, without daring to utter a word, when my father was out of
humour, from want of employment, or of a variety of boisterous
amusement. I had however one advantage, an instructor, the brother of
my father, who, intended for the church, had of course received a
liberal education. But, becoming attached to a young lady of great
beauty and large fortune, and acquiring in the world some opinions not
consonant with the profession for which he was designed, he accepted,
with the most sanguine expectations of success, the offer of a nobleman
to accompany him to India, as his confidential secretary.
“A correspondence was regularly kept up with the object of his
affection; and the intricacies of business, peculiarly wearisome to a
man of a romantic turn of mind, contributed, with a forced absence, to
increase his attachment. Every other passion was lost in this
master-one, and only served to swell the torrent. Her relations, such
were his waking dreams, who had despised him, would court in their turn
his alliance, and all the blandishments of taste would grace the
triumph of love.—While he basked in the warm sunshine of love,
friendship also promised to shed its dewy freshness; for a friend, whom
he loved next to his mistress, was the confident, who forwarded the
letters from one to the other, to elude the observation of prying
relations. A friend false in similar circumstances, is, my dearest
girl, an old tale; yet, let not this example, or the frigid caution of
coldblooded moralists, make you endeavour to stifle hopes, which are
the buds that naturally unfold themselves during the spring of life!
Whilst your own heart is sincere, always expect to meet one glowing
with the same sentiments; for to fly from pleasure, is not to avoid
pain!
“My uncle realized, by good luck, rather than management, a handsome
fortune; and returning on the wings of love, lost in the most
enchanting reveries, to England, to share it with his mistress and his
friend, he found them—united.
“There were some circumstances, not necessary for me to recite, which
aggravated the guilt of the friend beyond measure, and the deception,
that had been carried on to the last moment, was so base, it produced
the most violent effect on my uncle’s health and spirits. His native
country, the world! lately a garden of blooming sweets, blasted by
treachery, seemed changed into a parched desert, the abode of hissing
serpents. Disappointment rankled in his heart; and, brooding over his
wrongs, he was attacked by a raging fever, followed by a derangement of
mind, which only gave place to habitual melancholy, as he recovered
more strength of body.
“Declaring an intention never to marry, his relations were ever
clustering about him, paying the grossest adulation to a man, who,
disgusted with mankind, received them with scorn, or bitter sarcasms.
Something in my countenance pleased him, when I began to prattle. Since
his return, he appeared dead to affection; but I soon, by showing him
innocent fondness, became a favourite; and endeavouring to enlarge and
strengthen my mind, I grew dear to him in proportion as I imbibed his
sentiments. He had a forcible manner of speaking, rendered more so by a
certain impressive wildness of look and gesture, calculated to engage
the attention of a young and ardent mind. It is not then surprising
that I quickly adopted his opinions in preference, and reverenced him
as one of a superior order of beings. He inculcated, with great warmth,
self-respect, and a lofty consciousness of acting right, independent of
the censure or applause of the world; nay, he almost taught me to
brave, and even despise its censure, when convinced of the rectitude of
my own intentions.
“Endeavouring to prove to me that nothing which deserved the name of
love or friendship, existed in the world, he drew such animated
pictures of his own feelings, rendered permanent by disappointment, as
imprinted the sentiments strongly on my heart, and animated my
imagination. These remarks are necessary to elucidate some
peculiarities in my character, which by the world are indefinitely
termed romantic.
“My uncle’s increasing affection led him to visit me often. Still,
unable to rest in any place, he did not remain long in the country to
soften domestic tyranny; but he brought me books, for which I had a
passion, and they conspired with his conversation, to make me form an
ideal picture of life. I shall pass over the tyranny of my father, much
as I suffered from it; but it is necessary to notice, that it
undermined my mother’s health; and that her temper, continually
irritated by domestic bickering, became intolerably peevish.
“My eldest brother was articled to a neighbouring attorney, the
shrewdest, and, I may add, the most unprincipled man in that part of
the country. As my brother generally came home every Saturday, to
astonish my mother by exhibiting his attainments, he gradually assumed
a right of directing the whole family, not excepting my father. He
seemed to take a peculiar pleasure in tormenting and humbling me; and