Memoirs of Fanny Hill
for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his side started me the hint,
or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of that sort, and that
his constant generosity, politeness, and tender attention to please me,
forced a regard to him, that, without affecting my heart, insured him
my fidelity, no object had yet presented that could overcome the
habitual liking I had contracted for him and I was on the eve of
obtaining, from the movements of his own voluntary generosity, a modest
provision for life, when an accident happened which broke all the
measures he had resolved upon in my favour.
I had now lived near seven months with Mr. H.... when one day returning
to my lodgings, from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I used to stay
longer, I found the street door open, and the maid of the house
standing at it, talking with some of her acquaintance, so that I came
in without knocking and, as I passed by, she told me Mr. H.... was
above. I slept up stairs into my own bed-chamber, with no other thought
than of pulling off my hat etc., and then to wait upon him in the
dining room, into which my bed-chamber had a door, as is common enough.
Whilst I was untying my hat strings, I fancied I heard my maid Hannah’s
voice and a sort of tustle, which raised my curiosity; I stole softly
to the door, where a knot in the wood had been slipped out, and
afforded a very commanding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation,
the actors of which had been to earnestly employed to hear my opening
my own door, from the landing place of the stairs, into my bedchamber.
The first sight that struck me was Mr. H.... pulling and hauling this
coarse country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the
dining-room; to which the girl made only a sort of awkward holdening
resistance, crying out so loud, that I, who listened at the door, could
scarce hear her: “Pray Sir, don’t.., let me alone... I am not for your
turn... You cannot, sure, demean yourself with such a poor body as I...
Lord! Sir, my mistress may come home... I must not indeed... I will cry
out...” All of which did not hinder her from insensibly suffering
herself to be brought to the foot of the couch, upon which a push of no
mighty violence served to give her a very easy fall, and my gentleman
having got up his hands to the strong hold of her Virtue, she, no
doubt, thought it was time to give up the argument, and that all
further defense would be vain: and he, throwing her petticoats over her
face, which was now as red as scarlet, discovered a pair of stout,
plump, substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round
his haps, and coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven
sport, where he seemed to find a less difficult entrance than perhaps
he had flattered himself with (for, by the way, this blouse had left
her place in the country, for a bastard), and, indeed, all his motions
shewed he was lodged pretty much at large. After he had done, his Deare
gets up, drops her petticoats down, and smooths her apron and
handkerchief. Mr. H.... looked a little silly, and taking out some
money, gave it her, with an air indifferent enough, bidding her be a
good girl, and say nothing.
Had I loved this man, it was not in nature for me to have had patience
to see the whole scene through: I should have broke in and played the
jealous princess with a vengeance. But that was not the case: my pride
alone was hurt, my heart not, and I could easier win upon myself to see
how far he would go, till I had no uncertainty upon my conscience.
The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I
retired softly into my closet, where I began to consider what I should
do. My first scheme naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them; this,
indeed, flattered my present emotions and vexations, as it would have
given immediate vent to them; but, on second thoughts, not being so
clear as to the consequence to be apprehended from such a step, I began
my discovery still a safer season, when dissembly my discovery till a
safer season, when Mr. H.... should have perfected the settlement he
had made overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a
violent explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of,
could possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other hand, the
provocation seemed too gross, too flagrant not to give me some thoughts
of revenge; the very start of which idea restored me to perfect
composure; and delighted as I was with the confused plan of it in my
head, I was easily mistress enough of myself to support the part of
ignorance I had prescribed to myself; and as all this circle of
reflections was instantly over, I stole a tip-toe to the passage door,
and opening it with a noise, passed for having that moment come home;
and after a short pause, as if to pull off my things, I opened the door
into the dining room, where I fund the dowdy blowing the fire, and my
faithful shepherd walking about the room, and wistling, as cool and
unconcerned as if nothing had happened. I think, however, he had not
much to brag of having out-dissembled me: for I kept up, nobly, the
character of our sex for art, and went up to him with the same open air
of frankness as I had ever received him. He stayed but a little while,
made some excuse for not being able to stay the evening with me, and
went out.
As for the wench, she was now spoiled, at least for my servant; and
scarce eight and forty hours were gone round, before her insolence, on
what had passed betwen Mr. H.... and her, gave me so fair an occasion
to turn her away, at a minute’s warning, that, not to have done it
would have been the wonder; so that he could neither disapprove it nor
find in it the least reason to suspect my original motive. What became
of her afterwards, I know not; but generous as Mr. H.... was, he
undoubtedly made her amends: though, I dare answer, that he kept up no
further commerce with her of that sort; as his stooping to such a
coarse morsel, was only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a wholesome
looking, buxom country wench, and no more strange than hunger, or even
a whimsical appetite’s making a fling meal of neck-beef, for change of
diet.
Had I considered this escapade of Mr. H.... in no more than that light
and contented myself with turning away the wench, I had thought and
acted right; but, flushed as I was with imaginary wrongs, I should have
held Mr. H... to have been cheaply off, if I had not pushed my revenge
farther, and repaid him, as exactly as could for the soul of me, in the
same coin.
Nor was this worthy act of justice long delayed: I had it too much at
heart. Mr. H... had, about a fortnight before, taken into his service a
tenant’s son, just come out the country, a very handsome young lad,
scarce turned of nineteen, fresh as a rose, well sharped and clear
limbed: in short, a very good excuse for any woman’s liking, even
though revenge had been out of the question; any woman, I say, who was
disprejudiced, and that wit and spirit enough to prefer a point of
pleasure to a point of pride.
Mr. H... had clapped a livery upon him; and his chief employ was, after
being shewn my lodgings, to bring and carry letters or messages between
his master and me; and as the situation of all kept ladies is not the
fittest to inspire respect, even to the meanest of mankind, and,
perhaps, less of it from the most ignorant, I could not help observing
that this lad, who was, I suppose, acquainted with my relation to his
master by his fellow servants, used to eye me in that bashful confused
way, more expressive, more moving and readier caught at by our sex,
than any other declarations whatever: my figure had, it seems, struck
him, and modest and innocent as he was, he did not himself know that
the pleasure he took in looking at me was love, or desire; but his
eyes, naturally wanton, and now inflamed with passion, spoke a great
deal more than he durst have imagined they did. Hitherto, indeed, I had
only taken notice of the comeliness of the youth, but without the least
design: my pride alone would have guarded me from a thought that way,
had not Mr. H....’s condescension with my maid, where there was not
half the temptation, in point of person, set me a dangerous example;
but now I began to look on this stripling as every way a delicious
instrument of my designed retaliation upon Mr. H.... of an obligation
for which I should have made a conscience to die in his debt.
In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my scheme, for
two or three times that the young fellow came to me with messages, I
managed so, or without affectation to have him admitted to my bed side,
or brought to me at my toilet, where I was dressing; and by carelessly
shewing or letting him, as if without meaning or design, sometimes my
bosom rather more bare than it should be; sometimes my hair, of which I
had a very fine head, in the natural flow of it while combing;
sometimes a neat leg, that had unfortunately slipt its garter, which I
made no scruple of tying before him, easily gave him the impressions
favourable to my purpose, which I could perceive to sparkle in his
eyes, and glow in his cheeks: then certain slight squeezes by the hand,
as I took letters from him, did his business completely.
When I saw him thus moved, and fired for my purpose, I inflamed him yet
more, by asking him several leading questions, such as: “Had he a
mistress?... was she prettier than me?... could he love such a one as I
was?...” and the like; to all which the blushing simpleton answered to
my wish, in a strain of perfect nature, perfect undebauched innocence,
but with all the awkwardness and simplicity of country breeding.
When I thought I had sufficiently ripened him for the laudable point I
had in view, one day that I expected him at a particular hour, I took
care to have the coast clear for the reception I designed him; and, as
I laid it, he came to the dining room door, tapped at it, and, in my
bidding him come in; he did so, and shut the door after him. I desired
him, then, to bolt it on the inside, pretending it would not otherwise
keep shut.
I was then lying at length upon that very couch, the scene of Mr.
H....’s polite joys, in an undress, which was with all the art of
negligence flowing loose, and in a most tempting disorder: no stays, no
hoop..., no incumbrance whatever. On the other hand, he stood at a
little distance, that gave me a full view of a fine featured, shapely,
healthy country lad, breathing the sweets of fresh blooming youth; his
hair, which was of a perfect shining black, played to his face in
natural side curls, and was set out with a smart tuck-up behind; new
buckskin breechs, that, clipping close, shewed the shape of a plump,
well made thigh; white stockings, garter-laced livery, shoulder knot,
altogether composed a figure of pure flesh and blood, and appeared
under no disgrace from the lowness of a dress, to which a certain
spruce neatness seems peculiarly fitted.
I bid him come towards me, and give me his letter, at the same time
throwing down, carelessly, a book I had in my hands. He coloured, and
came within reach of delivering me the letter, which he held out,
awkwardly enough, for me to take, with his eyes rivetted on my bosom,
which was, through the designed disorder of my handkerchief,
sufficiently bare, and rather than hid.
I, smiling in his face, took the letter, and immediately catching hold
of his shirt sleeve, drew him towards me, blushing, and almost
trembling; for surely his extreme bashfulness, and utter inexperience
called for, at least, all the advances to encourage him: his body was
now conveniently inclined toward me, and just softly chucking his
beardless chin, I asked him: “If he was afraid of a lady?...” and with