Memoirs of Fanny Hill
no good by mere dint of bodily strength, he resorted to entreaties and
arguments: to which I only answered, with a tone of shame and timidity,
“that I was afraid he would kill me... Lord!..., would not be served
so... I was never so used in all my born days..., I wondered he was not
ashamed of himself, so I did...,” with such silly infantine moods of
repulse and complaint as I judged best adapted to express the character
of innocence, and affright. Pretending, however, to yield at length to
the vehemence of his insistence, in action and words, I sparing
disclosed my thighs, so that he could just touch the cloven inlet with
the tip of his instrument: but as he fatigued and toiled to get in, a
twist of my body, so as to receive it obliquely, not only thwarted his
admission, but giving a scream, as if he had pierced me to the heart, I
shook him off me, with such violence that he could not with all his
might to it, keep the saddle: vexed indeed at this he seemed, but not
in the style of displeasure with me for my skittishness; on the
contrary, I dare swear he held me the dearer, and hugged himself for
the difficulties that even hurt his instant pleasure. Fired, however,
now beyond all bearance of delay, he remounts, and begged of me to have
patience, stroking and soothing me to it by all the tenderest
endearments and protestations of what he would moreover do for me; at
which, feigning to be somewhat softened, and abating of the anger that
I had shewn at his hurting me so prodigiously, I suffered him to lay my
thighs aside, and make way for a new trial; but I watched the
directions and management of his point so well, that no sooner was the
orifice in the least open to it, but I gave such a timely jerk as
seemed to proceed not from the evasion of his entry, but from the pain
his efforts at it put me to: a circumstance too that I did not fail to
accompany with proper gestures, sighs and cries of complaint, of which,
“that he had hurt me... he killed me... I should die...,” were the most
frequent interjections. But now, after repeated attempts, in which he
had not made the least impression towards gaining his point, at least
for that time, the pleasure rose so fast upon him, that he could not
check or delay it, and in the vigour and fury which the approaches of
the height of it inspired him, he made one fierce-thrust, that had
almost put me by my guard, and lodged it so far that I could feel the
warm inspersion just within the exterior orifice, which I had the
cruelty not to let him finish there, but threw him out again, not
without a most piercing loud exclamation, as if the pain had put me
beyond all regard of being overheard. It was then easy to observe that
he was more satisfied, more highly pleased with the supposed motives of
his baulk of consummation, than he would have-been at the full
attainment of it. It was on this foot that I solved to myself all the
falsity I employed to procure him that blissful pleasure in it, which
most certainly he would not have tasted in the truth of things. Eased,
however, and relieved by one discharge, he now applied himself to
sooth, encourage, and to put me into humour and patience to bear his
next attempt, which he began to prepare and gather force for, from all
the incentives of the touch and sight which he could think of, by
examining every individual part of my whole body, which he declared his
satisfaction with, in raptures of applause, kisses universally
imprinted, and sparing no part of me, in all the eagerest wantonness of
feeling, seeing, and toying. His vigour, however, did not return so
soon, and I felt him more than once pushing at the door, but so little
in a condition to break in, that I question whether he had the power to
enter, had I held it ever so open; but this he then thought me too
little acquainted with the nature of things, to have any regret or
confusion about, and he kept fatiguing himself and me for a long time,
before he was in any state to resume his attacks with any prospect of
success and then I breathed him so warmly, and kept him so at bay, that
before he had made any sensible progress in point of penetration, he
was deliciously sweated, and wearied out indeed: so that it was deep in
the morning before he achieved his second let-go, about half way of
entrance, I all the while crying and complaining of his prodigious
vigour, and the immensity of what I appeared to suffer splitting up
with. Tired, however, at length, with such athletic drudgery, my
champion began now to give out, and to gladly embrace the refreshment
of some rest. Kissing me then with much affection, and recommending me
to my repose, he presently fell fast asleep, which, as soon as I had
well satisfied myself of, I with much composure of body, so as not to
wake him by any motion, with much ease and safety too, played of Mrs.
Cole’s device for perfecting the signs of my virginity. In each of the
head bed-posts, just above where the bedsteads are inserted into them,
there was a small drawer, so artfully adapted to the mouldings of the
timber-work, that it might have escaped even the most curious search:
which drawers were easily opened or shut by the touch of a spring, and
were fitted each with a shallow glass tumbler, full of a prepared fluid
blood, in which lay soaked, for ready use, a sponge, that required no
more than gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and properly
squeezing between the thighs, when it yelded a great deal more of the
red liquid than would save a girl’s honour; after which, replacing it,
and touching the spring, all possibility of discovery, or even of
suspicion, was taken away; and this was not the work of the fourth part
of a minute, and of which ever side one lay, the thing was equally easy
and practicable, by the double care taken to have each bed-post
provided alike. True it is, that had he waked and caught me in the act,
it would at least have covered me with shame and confusion; but them,
that he did not, was, with the precautions I took, a risk of a thousand
to one in my favour.
At ease now, and out of all fear of any doubt or suspicion on his side,
I addressed myself in good earnest to my repose, but could obtain none;
and in about half an hour’s time my gentleman waked again, and turning
towards me, I feigned a sound sleep, which he did not long respect; but
girding himself again to renew the onset, he began to kiss and caress
me, when now making as if I just waked, I complained of the
disturbance, and of the cruel pain that this little rest had stole my
senses from. Eager, however, for the pleasure, as well of consummating
an entire triumph over my virginity, he said every thing that could
overcome my resistance, and bribe my patience to the end, which now I
was ready to listen to, from being secure of the bloody proofs I had
prepared of his victorious violence, though I still thought it good
policy not to let him in yet a while. I answered then only to his
importunities in sighs and moans, “that I was so hurt, I could not bear
it... I was sure he had done me a mischief; that he had... he was such
a bad man!” At this, turning down the clothes, and viewing the field of
battle by the glimmer of a dying taper, he saw plainly my thighs,
shift, and sheet, all stained with what he readily took for a virgin
effusion, proceeding from his last half penetration: convinced, and
transported at which, nothing could equal his joy and exultation. The
illusion was complete, no other conception entered his head, but that
of his having been at work upon an unopened mine; which idea, upon so
strong an evidence, redoubled at once his tenderness for me, and his
ardour for breaking it wholly up. Kissing me then with the utmost
rapture, he comforted me, and begged my pardon for the pain he had put
me to: observing withal, that it was only a thing in course; but the
worst was certainly past, and that with a little courage and constancy,
I should get it once well over, and never after experience any thing
but the greatest pleasure. By little and little I suffered myself to be
prevailed on, and giving, as it were, up to the point of him, I made my
thighs, insensibly spreading them, yield him liberty of access, which
improving, he got a little within me, when by a well managed reception
I worked the female screw so nicely, that I kept him from the easy
mid-channel direction, and by dexterous wreathing and contortions,
creating an artificial difficulty of entrance, made him win it inch by
inch, with the most laborious struggles, I all the while sorely
complaining: till at length, with might and main, winding his way in,
he got it completely home, and giving my virginity, as he thought, the
coup le grace, furnished me with the cue of setting up a terrible
outcry, whilst he, triumphant and like a cock clapping his wings over
his down-trod mistress, pursued his pleasure: which presently rose, in
virtue of this idea of a complete victory, to a pitch that made me soon
sensible of his melting period; whilst I now lay acting the deep
wounded, breathless, frightened, undone, no longer maid.
You would ask me, perhaps, whether all this time I enjoyed any
perception of pleasure? I assure you, little or none, till just towards
the latter end, a faintish sense of it came on mechanically, from so
long a struggle and frequent fret in that ever sensible part; but, in
the first place, I had no taste for the person I was suffering the
embraces of, on a pure mercenary account; and then, I was not entirely
delighted with myself for the jade’s part I was playing, whatever
excuses I might plead for my being brought into it; but then this
insensibility kept me so much the mistress of my mind and motions, that
I could the better manage so close a counterfeit, through the whole
scene of deception.
Recovered at length to a more shew of life, by his tender condolences,
kisses and embraces, I upbraided him, and reproached him with my ruin,
in such natural terms, as added to his satisfaction with himself, for
having accomplished it; and guessing, by certain observations of mine,
that it would be rather favourable to him, to spare him, when he some
time after, feebly enough, came on again to the assault, I resolutely
withstood any further endeavours, on a pretext that flattered his
prowess, of my being so violently hurt and sore, that I could not
possibly endure a fresh trial. He then graciously granted me a respite,
and the next morning soon after advancing, I got rid of further
importunity, till Mrs. Cole, being rung for by him, came in and was
made acquainted, in terms of the utmost joy and rapture, with his
triumphant certainty of my virtue, and the finishing stroke he had
given it, in the course of the night: of which, he added, she would see
proof enough in bloody characters, on the sheets.
You may guess how a woman of her turn of address and experience
humoured the jest, and played him off with mixed exclamations of shame,
danger, compassion for me, and of her being pleased that all was so
well over: in which last, I believe, she was certainly sincere. And
now, as the objection which she had represented as an invincible one,
to me lying the first night at his lodgings (which were studiously
calculated for freedom of intrigues), on the account of my maiden fears
and terrors, at the thought of going to a gentleman’s chambers, and
being alone with him in bed, was surmounted, she pretended to persuade
me, in favour to him, that I should go there to him, whenever he
pleased, and still keep up all the necessary appearances of working
with her, that I might not lose, with my character, the prospect of
getting a good husband, and at the same time her house would be kept
safer from scandal. All this seemed so reasonable, so considerate to