Memoirs of Fanny Hill
which our back parlour opened into, and from which my confinement
debarred me, at the times company came to my house; but now sleep and
silence reigned all over it.
I opened the parlour door, and well surprised was I at seeing, by the
side of a fire half-out, a young gentleman in the old lady’s elbow
chair, with his legs laid upon another, fast asleep, and left there by
his thoughtless companions, who had drank him down, and then went off
with every one but his mistress, whilst he stayed behind by the
courtesy of the old matron, who would not disturb or turn him out in
that condition at one in the morning; and beds, it is more than
probable there were none to spare. On the table still remained the
punch bowl and glasses, stewed about in their usual disorder after a
drunken revel.
But when I drew nearer, to view the sleeping estray, heavens! what a
sight! No! term of years, no turn of fortune could ever eraze the
lightninglike impression his form made on me. Yes! dearest object of my
earliest passion, I command for ever the remembrance of thy first
appearance to my ravished eyes, it calls thee up, present; and I see
thee now.
Figure to yourself, Madam, fair stripling between eighteen and
nineteen, with his head reclined on one of the sides of the chair, his
hair disordered curls, irregularly shading a face, on which all the
roseate bloom of youth and all the manly graces conspired to fix my eye
sand heart; even the languour and paleness of his face, in which the
momentary triumph of the lily over the rose was owing to the excesses
of the night, gave an inexpressible sweetness to the finest features
imaginable: his eyes, closed in sleep, displayed the meeting edges of
their lids beautifully bordered with long eye-lashes; over which no
pencil could have described two more regular arches than those that
graced his forehead, which was high, perfectly white and smooth; then a
pair of vermilion lips, pouting and swelling to the touch, as if a bee
had freshly stung them, seemed to challenge me to get the gloves off
this lovely sleeper, had not the modesty and respect, which in both
sexes are inseparable from a true passion, checked my impulses.
But on seeing his shirt collar unbottoned, and bosom whiter than a
drift of snow, the pleasure of considering it could not bribe me to
lengthen it, at the hazard of a health that began to be my life’s
concern. Love, that made me timid, taught me to be tender too: with a
trembling hand I took hold of one of his, and waking him as gently as
possible, he started, and looking, at first a little wildly, said with
a voice that sent its harmonious sound to my heart: “Pray, child,
what-a-clock is it?” I told him, and added that he might catch cold if
he slept longer with his breast open in the cool of the morning air. On
this he thanked me with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with that of his
features and eyes; the last now broad open, and eagerly surveying me,
carried the surightly fires they sparkled with directly to my heart.
It seems, that having drank too freely before he came upon the rake
with some of his young companions, he had put himself out of a
condition to go through all the weapons with them, and crown the night
with a getting a mistress; so that seeing me in a loose undress, he did
not doubt but I was one of the misses of the house, sent in to repair
his loss of time; but though he seized that notion, and a very obvious
one it was, without hesitation, yet, whether my figure made a more than
ordinary impression on him, or whether it was his natural politeness,
he addressed me in a manner far from rude, though still on the foot of
one of the house pliers come to amuse him; and giving me the first kiss
that I ever relished from man in my life, asked me if I could favour
him with my company, assuring me that he would make it worth my while:
but had not even new-born love, that true refiner of lust, opposed so
sudden a surrender, the fear of being surprised by the house was a
sufficient bar to my compliance.
I told him then, in a tone set by love itself, that for reasons I had
not time to explain to him. I could not stay with him, and might even
ever see him again, with a sigh at these words, which broke from the
bottom of my heart. My conqueror, who, as he afterwards told me, had
been struck with my appearance, and liked me as much as he could think
of liking any one in my supposed way of life, asked me briskly at once,
if I would be kept by him, and that he would take a lodging for me
directly, and relieve me from any engagements he presumed I might be
under to the house.
Rash, sudden, undigested, even dangerous as this offer might be from a
perfect stranger, and that stranger a giddy boy, the prodigious love I
was struck with for him, had put a charm into every objection: I not
resisting, and blinded me to every objection; I could, at that instant,
have died for him: think if I could resist an invitation to live with
him! Thus my heart, beating strong to the proposal, dictated my answer,
after scarce a minute’s pause, that I would accept of his offer, and
make my escape to him in what way he pleased, and that I would be
entirely at his disposal, let it be good or bad. I have often since
wondered that so great an easiness did not disgust him, or make me too
cheap in his eyes, but my fate had so appointed it, that in his fears
of the hazzard of the town, he had been some time looking out for a
girl to take into keeping, and my person happening to hit his fancy, it
was by one of those miracles reserved to love, that we struck the
bargain in the instant, which we sealed by an exchange of kisses, that
the hopes of a more uninterrupted enjoyment engaged him to content
himself with.
Never, however, did dear youth carry in his head more wherewith to
justify the turning of a girl’s head, and making her set all
consequences at defiance, for the sake of following a gallant.
For, besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were assembled
in his form, he had an air of neatness and gentility, certain smartness
in the carriage and port of his head, that yet more distinguished him;
his eyes were sprightly and full of meaning; his looks had in them
something at once sweet and commanding; his complexion out-bloomed the
lovely coloured rose, whilst its inimitable tender vivid glow clearly
saved it from the reproach of wanting life, of raw and dough-like,
which is commonly made of those so extremely fair as he was.
Our little plan was, that I should get out about seven the next morning
(which I could readily promise, as I knew where to get the key of the
street door) and he would wait at the end of the street with a coach to
convey me safe off; after which, we would send, and clear any debt
incurred by my stay at Mrs. Brown’s, who, he only judged, in gross,
might not care to part with one, he thought, so fit to draw custom to
the house.
I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his having seen
such a person as me, for reasons I would explain to him more at
leisure. And then, for fear of miscarrying, by being seen together, I
tore myself from him with a bleeding heart, and stole up softly to my
room, where I found Phœbe still fast asleep, and hurrying off my few
clothes, lay down by her, with a mixture of joy and anxiety, that may
be easier conceived than expressed.
The risks of Mrs. Brown’s discovering my purpose, of disappointments,
misery, ruin, all vanished before this new-kindled flame. The seeing,
the touching, the being, if but for a night, with this idol of my fond
virgin heart, appeared to me a happiness above the purchase of my
liberty or life. He might use me ill, let him: he was the master,
happy, too happy, even to receive death at so dear a hand.
To this purpose were the reflections of the whole day, of which every
minute seemed to me a little eternity. How often did I visit the clock!
nay, was tempted to advance the tedious hand, as if that would have
advanced the time with it! Had those of the house had the least
observations on me, they must have remarked something extraordinary
from the discomposure I could not help betraying; especially when at
dinner mention was made of the charmingest youth having been there, and
stayed breakfast. “Oh! he was such a beauty!... I should have died for
him!... they would pull caps for him!...” and the like fooleries;
which, however, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to it to
smother the blaze of.
The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day, produced one good effect:
which was, that, through mere fatigue, I slept tolerably well till five
in the morning, when I got up, and having dressed myself, waited, under
the double tortures of fear and impatience, for the appointed hour. It
came at last, the dear, critical, dangerous hour came; and now,
supported only by the courage love lent me, I ventured, a tip-toe, down
stairs, leaving my box behind, for fear of being surprized with it in
going out.
I got to the street door, the key whereof was always laid on the chair
by our bed side, in trust with Phœbe, who having not the least
suspicion of my entertaining any design to go from them (nor, indeed,
had I, but the day before), made no reserve or concealment of it from
me. I opened the door with great ease; love, that emboldened, protected
me too: and now, got safe into the street, I saw my new guardian angel
waiting at a coach door, ready open. How I got to him I know not: I
suppose I flew; but I was in the coach in a trice, and he by the side
of me, with his arms clasped round me, and giving me the kiss of
welcome. The coachman had his orders, and drove to them.
My eyes were instantly filled with tears, but tears of the most
delicious delight; to find myself in the arms of that beauteous youth,
was a rapture that my little hear swam in; past or future were equally
out of the question with me; the present was as much as all my powers
of life were sufficient to bear the transport of, without fainting. Nor
were the most tender embraces, the most soothing expressions wanting on
his side, to assure me of his love, and of never giving me cause to
repent the bold step I had taken, in throwing myself thus entirely upon
his honour and generosity. But, alas! this was no merit in me, for I
was drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and, I did
what I did, because I could not help it.
In an instant, for time was now annihilated with me, we were landed at
a public house in Chelsea, hospitably commodious for the reception of
duet parties of pleasure, where a breakfast of chocolate was prepared
for us.
An old jolly stager, who kept it, and understood life perfectly well,
breakfasted with us, and leering archly at me, gave us both joy, and
said, “we were well paired, i’ faith! that a great many gentlemen and
ladies used his house, but he had never seen a handsomer couple... he
was sure I was a fresh piece... I looked so country, so innocent! well
my spouse was a lucky man!...” all which, common landlord’s cant, not
only pleased and soothed me, but helped to diver my confusion at being
with my new sovereign, whom, the minute approached, I began to fear to
be alone with: a timidity which true love had a greater share in than
even maiden bashful-ness.
I wished, I doated, I could have died for him; and yet, I know not how,
or why I dreaded the point which had been the object of my fiercest
wishes; my pulses beat fears, amidst a flush of the warmest desires.
This struggle of the passions, however, this conflict betwixt modesty
and lovesick longings, made me burst again into tears; which he took,
as he had done before, only for the remains of concern and emotion at
the suddenness of my change of condition, in committing myself to his