Memoirs of Fanny Hill
care; and, in consequence of that idea, did and said all that he
thought would most comfort and re-inspirit me.
After breakfast, Charles (the dear familiar name I must take the
liberty henceforward to distinguish my Adonis by), with a smile full of
meaning, took me gently by the hand, and said: “Come, my dear, I will
show you a room that commands a fine prospect over some gardens”; and
without waiting for an answer, in which he relieved me extremely, he
led me up into a chamber, airy and lightsome, where all seeing of
prospects was out of the question, except that of a bed, which had all
the air of recommending the room to him.
Charles had just slipped the bolt of the door, and running, caught me
in his arms, and lifting me from the ground, with his lips glued to
mine, bore me trembling, panting, dying with soft fears and tender
wishes, to the bed; where his impatience would not suffer him to
undress me, more than just unpinning my handkerchief and gowns, and
unlacing my stays.
My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warmest throbs, presented to
his sight and feeling the firm hard swell of a pair of young breast,
such as may be imagined of a girl not sixteen, fresh out of the
country, and never before handled: but even their pride, whiteness,
fashion, pleasing resistance to the touch, could not bribe his restless
hands from roving; but, giving them the loose, my petticoats and shift
were soon taken up, and their stronger center of attraction laid open
to their tender invasion. My fears, however, made me mechanically close
my thighs; but the very touch of his hand insinuated between them,
disclosed them and opened a way for the main attack.
In the mean time, I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his eyes
and hands, quiet and unresisting; which confirmed him the opinion he
proceeded so cavalierly upon, that I was no novice in these matters,
since he had taken me out of a common bawdy house, nor had I said one
thing to prepossess him of my virginity; and if I had, he would sooner
have believed that I took him for a cully that would swallow such an
improbability, than that I was still mistress of that darling treasure,
that hidden mine, so eagerly sought after by the men, and which they
never dig for, but to destroy.
Being now too high wound up to bear a delay, he unbuttoned, and drawing
out the engine of love assaults, drove it currently, as at a ready made
breach... Then! then! for the first time, did I feel that stiff
horn-hard gristle, battering against the tender part; but imagine to
yourself his surprise, when he found, after several vigorous pushes,
which hurt me extremely, that he made not the least impression.
I complained, but tenderly complained: “I could not bear it... indeed
he hurt me!...” Still he thought no more, than that being so young, the
largeness of his machine (for few men could dispute size with him) made
all the difficulty; and that possibly I had not been enjoyed by any so
advantageously made in that part as himself: for still, that my virgin
flower was yet un-cropped, never entered into his head, and he would
have thought it idling with time and words, to have questioned me upon
it.
He tried again, still no admittance, still no penetration; but he had
hurt me yet more, while my extreme love made me bear extreme pain,
almost without a groan. At length, after repeated fruitless trials, he
lay down panting by me, kissed my falling tears, and asked me tenderly
“what was the meaning of so much complaining? and if I had not borne it
better from other than I did from him?” I answered, with a simplicity
framed to persuade, that he was the first man that ever served me so.
Truth is powerful, and it is not always that we do not believe what we
eagerly wish.
Charles, already disposed by the evidence, of his senses to think my
pretences to virginity not entirely apocryphal, smothers me with
kisses, begs me, in the name of love, to have a little patience, and
that he wilt be as tender of hurting me as he would be of himself..
Alas! it was enough I knew his pleasure to submit joyfully to him,
whatever pain I foresaw it would cost, me.
He now resumes his attempts in more form: first, he put one of the
pillows under me, to give the blank of his aim a more favourable
elevation, and another Under my head, in ease of it; then spreading my
thighs, and placing himself standing betwen them, made them rest upon
his; applying then the point of his machine to the slit, into which he
sought entrance, it was so small, he could scarce assure himself of its
being rightly pointed. He looks, he feels, and satisfies himself: there
driving on with fury, its prodigious stiffness, thus impacted,
wedgelike, breaks the union of those parts, and gained him just the
insertion of the tip of it, lip deep; which being sensible of, he
improved his advantage, and following well his stroke, in a straight
line, forcibly deepens his penetration; but put me to such intolerable
pain, from the separation of the sides of that soft passage by a hard
thick body, I could have screamed out; but, as I was unwilling to alarm
the house, I held in my breath, and crammed my petticoat, which was;
turned up over my face, into my mouth, and bit it through in the agony.
At length, the tender texture of that tract giving way to such fierce
tearing and rending, he pierced something further into me: and now,
outrageous and no longer his own master, but borne headlong away by the
fury and over-mettle of that member, now exerting itself with a kind of
native rage, he breaks in, carries all before him, and one violent
merciless lunge, sent it, imbrued, and reeking with virgin blood, up to
the very hilt in me... Then! then all my resolution deserted me: I
screamed out, and fainted away with the sharpness of the pain; and, as
he told me afterwards, on his drawing out, when emission was over with
him, my thighs were instantly all in a stream of blood, that flowed
from the wounded torn passage.
When I recovered my senses, I found myself undressed and a-bed, in the
arms of the sweet relenting murderer of my virginity, who hung mourning
tenderly over me, and holding in his hand a cordial, which, coming from
the still dear author of so much pain, I could not refuse; my eyes,
however, moistened with tears, and languishingly turned upon him,
seemed to reproach him with his cruelty, and ask him, if such were the
rewards of love. But Charles, to whom I was now infinitely endeared by
his complete triumph over a maidenhead, where he so little expected to
find one, in tenderness to that pain which he had put me to, in
procuring himself the height of pleasure, smothered his exultation, and
employed himself with so much sweetness, so much warmth, to sooth, to
caress, and comfort me in my soft complainings, which breathed, indeed,
more love than resentment, that I presently drowned all sense of pain
in the pleasure of seeing him, of thinking that I belonged to him: he
who was now the absolute disposer of my happiness, and, in one word, my
fate.
The sore was, however, too tender, the wound too bleeding fresh, for
Charles’s good-nature to put my patience presently to another trial;
but as I could not stir, or walk a-cross the room, he ordered the
dinner to be brought to the bed side, where it could not be otherwise
than my getting down the wing of a fowl, and two or three glasses of
wine, since it was my adored youth who both served, and urged them on
me, with that sweet irresistible authority with which love had invested
him over me.
After dinner, and everything but the wine was taken away, Charles very
impudently asks a leave, he might read the grant of in my eyes, to come
to bed to me, and accordingly falls to undressing; which I could not
see the progress of without strange emotions of fear and pleasure.
He is now in bed with me the first time, and in broad day; but when
thrusting up his own shirt and my shift, he laid his naked glowing body
to mine... oh insupportable delight! oh! superhuman rapture! what pain
could stand before a pleasure so transporting? I felt no more the smart
of my wounds below; but, curling round him like the tendril of a vine,
as if I feared any part of him should be untouched or unpressed by me,
I returned his strenuous embraces and kisses with a fervour and gust
only known to true love, and which mere lust never rise to.
Yes, even at this time, that all the tyranny of the passions is fully
over, and that my veins roll no longer but a cold tranquil stream, the
remembrance of those passages that most affected me in my youth, still
cheers and refreshes me; let me proceed then. My beauteous youth was
now glued to me in all the folds and twists that we could make our
bodies meet in; when, no longer able to rein in the fierceness of
refreshed desires, he gives his steed the head, and gently insinuating
his thighs between mine, stopping my mouth with kisses of humid fire,
makes a fresh eruption, and renewing his thrusts, pierces, tears, and
forces his way up the torn tender folds, that yielded him admission
with a smart little less severe that when the breach was first made I
stifled, however, my cries, and bore him with the passive fortitude of
an heroine; soon his thrusts, more and more furious, cheeks flushed
with a deeper scarlet, his eyes turned up in the fervent fit, some
dying sighs, and an agonizing shudder, announced the approaches of that
ecstatic pleasure, I was yet in too much pain to come in for my share
of.
Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numbed and blunted the sense
of the smart, and given me to feel the titillating inspersion of
balsamic sweets, drew from me the delicious return, and brought down
all my passion, that I arrived at excess of pleasure through excess of
pain. But, when successive engagements had broke and inured me, I began
to enter into the true unalloyed relish of that pleasure of pleasures,
when the warm gush darts through all the ravished inwards; what floods
of bliss! what melting transports! what agonies of delight! too fierce,
too mighty for nature to sustain?... well has she therefore, no doubt
provided the relief of a delicious momentary dissolution, the
approaches of which are intimated by a dear delirium, a sweet thrill,
on the point of emitting those liquid sweets, in which enjoyment itself
is drowned, when one gives the languishing stretch out, and die at the
discharge.
How often, when the rage and tumult of my senses had subsided, after
the melting flow, have I, in a tender meditation, asked myself cooly
the question, if it was in nature for any of its creatures to be so
happy as I was? Or, what were all fears of the consequence, put in the
scale of one night’s enjoyment, of any thing so transcendently the
taste of my eyes and heart, as that delicious, fond, matchless youth.
Thus we spent the whole afternoon, till supper time in a continued
circle of love delights, kissing, turtle-billing, toying, and all the
rest of the feast. At length, supper was served in, before which
Charles had, for I do not know what reason, slipped his clothes on; and
sitting down by the bed side, we made table and tablecloth of the bed
and sheets, whilst he suffered nobody to attend or serve but himself.
He ate with a very good appetite, and seemed charmed to see me eat. For
my part, I was so transported with the comparison of the delights I now
swam in, with the insipidity of all my past scenes of life, that I
thought them sufficiently cheap, at even the price of my ruin, or the
risk of their not lasting. The present possession was all my little
head could find room for.
We lay together that night, when, after playing repeated prizes of
pleasure, nature, overspent and satisfied, gave us up to the arms of