Nicholas Nickleby
hyperbolical, in extolling my native land, I admit the full justice of
the remark. I AM proud of this free and happy country. My form dilates,
my eye glistens, my breast heaves, my heart swells, my bosom burns, when
I call to mind her greatness and her glory.’
‘We wish, sir,’ remarked Mr. Pugstyles, calmly, ‘to ask you a few
questions.’
‘If you please, gentlemen; my time is yours--and my country’s--and my
country’s--’ said Mr. Gregsbury.
This permission being conceded, Mr. Pugstyles put on his spectacles, and
referred to a written paper which he drew from his pocket; whereupon
nearly every other member of the deputation pulled a written paper from
HIS pocket, to check Mr. Pugstyles off, as he read the questions.
This done, Mr. Pugstyles proceeded to business.
‘Question number one.--Whether, sir, you did not give a voluntary pledge
previous to your election, that in event of your being returned, you
would immediately put down the practice of coughing and groaning in
the House of Commons. And whether you did not submit to be coughed and
groaned down in the very first debate of the session, and have since
made no effort to effect a reform in this respect? Whether you did not
also pledge yourself to astonish the government, and make them shrink in
their shoes? And whether you have astonished them, and made them shrink
in their shoes, or not?’
‘Go on to the next one, my dear Pugstyles,’ said Mr. Gregsbury.
‘Have you any explanation to offer with reference to that question,
sir?’ asked Mr. Pugstyles.
‘Certainly not,’ said Mr. Gregsbury.
The members of the deputation looked fiercely at each other, and
afterwards at the member. ‘Dear Pugstyles’ having taken a very long
stare at Mr. Gregsbury over the tops of his spectacles, resumed his list
of inquiries.
‘Question number two.--Whether, sir, you did not likewise give a
voluntary pledge that you would support your colleague on every
occasion; and whether you did not, the night before last, desert him
and vote upon the other side, because the wife of a leader on that other
side had invited Mrs. Gregsbury to an evening party?’
‘Go on,’ said Mr. Gregsbury.
‘Nothing to say on that, either, sir?’ asked the spokesman.
‘Nothing whatever,’ replied Mr. Gregsbury. The deputation, who had
only seen him at canvassing or election time, were struck dumb by his
coolness. He didn’t appear like the same man; then he was all milk and
honey; now he was all starch and vinegar. But men ARE so different at
different times!
‘Question number three--and last,’ said Mr. Pugstyles, emphatically.
‘Whether, sir, you did not state upon the hustings, that it was your
firm and determined intention to oppose everything proposed; to divide
the house upon every question, to move for returns on every subject,
to place a motion on the books every day, and, in short, in your own
memorable words, to play the very devil with everything and everybody?’
With this comprehensive inquiry, Mr. Pugstyles folded up his list of
questions, as did all his backers.
Mr. Gregsbury reflected, blew his nose, threw himself further back in
his chair, came forward again, leaning his elbows on the table, made a
triangle with his two thumbs and his two forefingers, and tapping his
nose with the apex thereof, replied (smiling as he said it), ‘I deny
everything.’
At this unexpected answer, a hoarse murmur arose from the deputation;
and the same gentleman who had expressed an opinion relative to the
gammoning nature of the introductory speech, again made a monosyllabic
demonstration, by growling out ‘Resign!’ Which growl being taken up by
his fellows, swelled into a very earnest and general remonstrance.
‘I am requested, sir, to express a hope,’ said Mr. Pugstyles, with a
distant bow, ‘that on receiving a requisition to that effect from a
great majority of your constituents, you will not object at once to
resign your seat in favour of some candidate whom they think they can
better trust.’
To this, Mr. Gregsbury read the following reply, which, anticipating the
request, he had composed in the form of a letter, whereof copies had
been made to send round to the newspapers.
‘MY DEAR MR PUGSTYLES,
‘Next to the welfare of our beloved island--this great and free and
happy country, whose powers and resources are, I sincerely believe,
illimitable--I value that noble independence which is an Englishman’s
proudest boast, and which I fondly hope to bequeath to my children,
untarnished and unsullied. Actuated by no personal motives, but moved
only by high and great constitutional considerations; which I will not
attempt to explain, for they are really beneath the comprehension of
those who have not made themselves masters, as I have, of the intricate
and arduous study of politics; I would rather keep my seat, and intend
doing so.
‘Will you do me the favour to present my compliments to the constituent
body, and acquaint them with this circumstance?
‘With great esteem, ‘My dear Mr. Pugstyles, ‘&c.&c.’
‘Then you will not resign, under any circumstances?’ asked the
spokesman.
Mr. Gregsbury smiled, and shook his head.
‘Then, good-morning, sir,’ said Pugstyles, angrily.
‘Heaven bless you!’ said Mr. Gregsbury. And the deputation, with many
growls and scowls, filed off as quickly as the narrowness of the
staircase would allow of their getting down.
The last man being gone, Mr. Gregsbury rubbed his hands and chuckled, as
merry fellows will, when they think they have said or done a more than
commonly good thing; he was so engrossed in this self-congratulation,
that he did not observe that Nicholas had been left behind in the shadow
of the window-curtains, until that young gentleman, fearing he might
otherwise overhear some soliloquy intended to have no listeners, coughed
twice or thrice, to attract the member’s notice.
‘What’s that?’ said Mr. Gregsbury, in sharp accents.
Nicholas stepped forward, and bowed.
‘What do you do here, sir?’ asked Mr. Gregsbury; ‘a spy upon my privacy!
A concealed voter! You have heard my answer, sir. Pray follow the
deputation.’
‘I should have done so, if I had belonged to it, but I do not,’ said
Nicholas.
‘Then how came you here, sir?’ was the natural inquiry of Mr. Gregsbury,
MP. ‘And where the devil have you come from, sir?’ was the question
which followed it.
‘I brought this card from the General Agency Office, sir,’ said
Nicholas, ‘wishing to offer myself as your secretary, and understanding
that you stood in need of one.’
‘That’s all you have come for, is it?’ said Mr. Gregsbury, eyeing him in
some doubt.
Nicholas replied in the affirmative.
‘You have no connection with any of those rascally papers have you?’
said Mr. Gregsbury. ‘You didn’t get into the room, to hear what was going
forward, and put it in print, eh?’
‘I have no connection, I am sorry to say, with anything at present,’
rejoined Nicholas,--politely enough, but quite at his ease.
‘Oh!’ said Mr. Gregsbury. ‘How did you find your way up here, then?’
Nicholas related how he had been forced up by the deputation.
‘That was the way, was it?’ said Mr. Gregsbury. ‘Sit down.’
Nicholas took a chair, and Mr. Gregsbury stared at him for a long time,
as if to make certain, before he asked any further questions, that there
were no objections to his outward appearance.
‘You want to be my secretary, do you?’ he said at length.
‘I wish to be employed in that capacity, sir,’ replied Nicholas.
‘Well,’ said Mr. Gregsbury; ‘now what can you do?’
‘I suppose,’ replied Nicholas, smiling, ‘that I can do what usually
falls to the lot of other secretaries.’
‘What’s that?’ inquired Mr. Gregsbury.
‘What is it?’ replied Nicholas.
‘Ah! What is it?’ retorted the member, looking shrewdly at him, with his
head on one side.
‘A secretary’s duties are rather difficult to define, perhaps,’ said
Nicholas, considering. ‘They include, I presume, correspondence?’
‘Good,’ interposed Mr. Gregsbury.
‘The arrangement of papers and documents?’
‘Very good.’
‘Occasionally, perhaps, the writing from your dictation; and possibly,
sir,’ said Nicholas, with a half-smile, ‘the copying of your speech
for some public journal, when you have made one of more than usual
importance.’
‘Certainly,’ rejoined Mr. Gregsbury. ‘What else?’
‘Really,’ said Nicholas, after a moment’s reflection, ‘I am not able, at
this instant, to recapitulate any other duty of a secretary, beyond the
general one of making himself as agreeable and useful to his employer
as he can, consistently with his own respectability, and without
overstepping that line of duties which he undertakes to perform, and
which the designation of his office is usually understood to imply.’
Mr. Gregsbury looked fixedly at Nicholas for a short time, and then
glancing warily round the room, said in a suppressed voice:
‘This is all very well, Mr--what is your name?’
‘Nickleby.’
‘This is all very well, Mr. Nickleby, and very proper, so far as it
goes--so far as it goes, but it doesn’t go far enough. There are other
duties, Mr. Nickleby, which a secretary to a parliamentary gentleman must
never lose sight of. I should require to be crammed, sir.’
‘I beg your pardon,’ interposed Nicholas, doubtful whether he had heard
aright.
‘--To be crammed, sir,’ repeated Mr. Gregsbury.
‘May I beg your pardon again, if I inquire what you mean, sir?’ said
Nicholas.
‘My meaning, sir, is perfectly plain,’ replied Mr. Gregsbury with a
solemn aspect. ‘My secretary would have to make himself master of the
foreign policy of the world, as it is mirrored in the newspapers; to run
his eye over all accounts of public meetings, all leading articles,
and accounts of the proceedings of public bodies; and to make notes
of anything which it appeared to him might be made a point of, in any
little speech upon the question of some petition lying on the table, or
anything of that kind. Do you understand?’
‘I think I do, sir,’ replied Nicholas.
‘Then,’ said Mr. Gregsbury, ‘it would be necessary for him to make
himself acquainted, from day to day, with newspaper paragraphs on
passing events; such as “Mysterious disappearance, and supposed suicide
of a potboy,” or anything of that sort, upon which I might found a
question to the Secretary of State for the Home Department. Then, he
would have to copy the question, and as much as I remembered of the
answer (including a little compliment about independence and good
sense); and to send the manuscript in a frank to the local paper, with
perhaps half-a-dozen lines of leader, to the effect, that I was always
to be found in my place in parliament, and never shrunk from the
responsible and arduous duties, and so forth. You see?’
Nicholas bowed.
‘Besides which,’ continued Mr. Gregsbury, ‘I should expect him, now and
then, to go through a few figures in the printed tables, and to pick
out a few results, so that I might come out pretty well on timber duty
questions, and finance questions, and so on; and I should like him to
get up a few little arguments about the disastrous effects of a return
to cash payments and a metallic currency, with a touch now and then
about the exportation of bullion, and the Emperor of Russia, and bank
notes, and all that kind of thing, which it’s only necessary to talk
fluently about, because nobody understands it. Do you take me?’
‘I think I understand,’ said Nicholas.
‘With regard to such questions as are not political,’ continued Mr
Gregsbury, warming; ‘and which one can’t be expected to care a curse
about, beyond the natural care of not allowing inferior people to be as
well off as ourselves--else where are our privileges?--I should wish
my secretary to get together a few little flourishing speeches, of a