Notes from the Underground
“How dare you come and look at me like that without being sent for?
Answer!”
After looking at me calmly for half a minute, he began turning round
again.
“Stay!” I roared, running up to him, “don’t stir! There. Answer, now:
what did you come in to look at?”
“If you have any order to give me it’s my duty to carry it out,” he
answered, after another silent pause, with a slow, measured lisp,
raising his eyebrows and calmly twisting his head from one side to
another, all this with exasperating composure.
“That’s not what I am asking you about, you torturer!” I shouted,
turning crimson with anger. “I’ll tell you why you came here myself:
you see, I don’t give you your wages, you are so proud you don’t want
to bow down and ask for it, and so you come to punish me with your
stupid stares, to worry me and you have no sus-pic-ion how stupid it
is—stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! ...”
He would have turned round again without a word, but I seized him.
“Listen,” I shouted to him. “Here’s the money, do you see, here it is,”
(I took it out of the table drawer); “here’s the seven roubles
complete, but you are not going to have it, you ... are ... not ...
going ... to ... have it until you come respectfully with bowed head to
beg my pardon. Do you hear?”
“That cannot be,” he answered, with the most unnatural self-confidence.
“It shall be so,” I said, “I give you my word of honour, it shall be!”
“And there’s nothing for me to beg your pardon for,” he went on, as
though he had not noticed my exclamations at all. “Why, besides, you
called me a ‘torturer,’ for which I can summon you at the
police-station at any time for insulting behaviour.”
“Go, summon me,” I roared, “go at once, this very minute, this very
second! You are a torturer all the same! a torturer!”
But he merely looked at me, then turned, and regardless of my loud
calls to him, he walked to his room with an even step and without
looking round.
“If it had not been for Liza nothing of this would have happened,” I
decided inwardly. Then, after waiting a minute, I went myself behind
his screen with a dignified and solemn air, though my heart was beating
slowly and violently.
“Apollon,” I said quietly and emphatically, though I was breathless,
“go at once without a minute’s delay and fetch the police-officer.”
He had meanwhile settled himself at his table, put on his spectacles
and taken up some sewing. But, hearing my order, he burst into a
guffaw.
“At once, go this minute! Go on, or else you can’t imagine what will
happen.”
“You are certainly out of your mind,” he observed, without even raising
his head, lisping as deliberately as ever and threading his needle.
“Whoever heard of a man sending for the police against himself? And as
for being frightened—you are upsetting yourself about nothing, for
nothing will come of it.”
“Go!” I shrieked, clutching him by the shoulder. I felt I should strike
him in a minute.
But I did not notice the door from the passage softly and slowly open
at that instant and a figure come in, stop short, and begin staring at
us in perplexity I glanced, nearly swooned with shame, and rushed back
to my room. There, clutching at my hair with both hands, I leaned my
head against the wall and stood motionless in that position.
Two minutes later I heard Apollon’s deliberate footsteps. “There is
some woman asking for you,” he said, looking at me with peculiar
severity. Then he stood aside and let in Liza. He would not go away,
but stared at us sarcastically.
“Go away, go away,” I commanded in desperation. At that moment my clock
began whirring and wheezing and struck seven.
IX
“Into my house come bold and free,
Its rightful mistress there to be.”
I stood before her crushed, crestfallen, revoltingly confused, and I
believe I smiled as I did my utmost to wrap myself in the skirts of my
ragged wadded dressing-gown—exactly as I had imagined the scene not
long before in a fit of depression. After standing over us for a couple
of minutes Apollon went away, but that did not make me more at ease.
What made it worse was that she, too, was overwhelmed with confusion,
more so, in fact, than I should have expected. At the sight of me, of
course.
“Sit down,” I said mechanically, moving a chair up to the table, and I
sat down on the sofa. She obediently sat down at once and gazed at me
open-eyed, evidently expecting something from me at once. This naïveté
of expectation drove me to fury, but I restrained myself.
She ought to have tried not to notice, as though everything had been as
usual, while instead of that, she ... and I dimly felt that I should
make her pay dearly for _all this_.
“You have found me in a strange position, Liza,” I began, stammering
and knowing that this was the wrong way to begin. “No, no, don’t
imagine anything,” I cried, seeing that she had suddenly flushed. “I am
not ashamed of my poverty.... On the contrary, I look with pride on my
poverty. I am poor but honourable.... One can be poor and honourable,”
I muttered. “However ... would you like tea?....”
“No,” she was beginning.
“Wait a minute.”
I leapt up and ran to Apollon. I had to get out of the room somehow.
“Apollon,” I whispered in feverish haste, flinging down before him the
seven roubles which had remained all the time in my clenched fist,
“here are your wages, you see I give them to you; but for that you must
come to my rescue: bring me tea and a dozen rusks from the restaurant.
If you won’t go, you’ll make me a miserable man! You don’t know what
this woman is.... This is—everything! You may be imagining
something.... But you don’t know what that woman is! ...”
Apollon, who had already sat down to his work and put on his spectacles
again, at first glanced askance at the money without speaking or
putting down his needle; then, without paying the slightest attention
to me or making any answer, he went on busying himself with his needle,
which he had not yet threaded. I waited before him for three minutes
with my arms crossed _à la Napoléon_. My temples were moist with sweat.
I was pale, I felt it. But, thank God, he must have been moved to pity,
looking at me. Having threaded his needle he deliberately got up from
his seat, deliberately moved back his chair, deliberately took off his
spectacles, deliberately counted the money, and finally asking me over
his shoulder: “Shall I get a whole portion?” deliberately walked out of
the room. As I was going back to Liza, the thought occurred to me on
the way: shouldn’t I run away just as I was in my dressing-gown, no
matter where, and then let happen what would?
I sat down again. She looked at me uneasily. For some minutes we were
silent.
“I will kill him,” I shouted suddenly, striking the table with my fist
so that the ink spurted out of the inkstand.
“What are you saying!” she cried, starting.
“I will kill him! kill him!” I shrieked, suddenly striking the table in
absolute frenzy, and at the same time fully understanding how stupid it
was to be in such a frenzy. “You don’t know, Liza, what that torturer
is to me. He is my torturer.... He has gone now to fetch some rusks; he
...”
And suddenly I burst into tears. It was an hysterical attack. How
ashamed I felt in the midst of my sobs; but still I could not restrain
them.
She was frightened.
“What is the matter? What is wrong?” she cried, fussing about me.
“Water, give me water, over there!” I muttered in a faint voice, though
I was inwardly conscious that I could have got on very well without
water and without muttering in a faint voice. But I was, what is
called, _putting it on_, to save appearances, though the attack was a
genuine one.
She gave me water, looking at me in bewilderment. At that moment
Apollon brought in the tea. It suddenly seemed to me that this
commonplace, prosaic tea was horribly undignified and paltry after all
that had happened, and I blushed crimson. Liza looked at Apollon with
positive alarm. He went out without a glance at either of us.
“Liza, do you despise me?” I asked, looking at her fixedly, trembling
with impatience to know what she was thinking.
She was confused, and did not know what to answer.
“Drink your tea,” I said to her angrily. I was angry with myself, but,
of course, it was she who would have to pay for it. A horrible spite
against her suddenly surged up in my heart; I believe I could have
killed her. To revenge myself on her I swore inwardly not to say a word
to her all the time. “She is the cause of it all,” I thought.
Our silence lasted for five minutes. The tea stood on the table; we did
not touch it. I had got to the point of purposely refraining from
beginning in order to embarrass her further; it was awkward for her to
begin alone. Several times she glanced at me with mournful perplexity.
I was obstinately silent. I was, of course, myself the chief sufferer,
because I was fully conscious of the disgusting meanness of my spiteful
stupidity, and yet at the same time I could not restrain myself.
“I want to... get away ... from there altogether,” she began, to break
the silence in some way, but, poor girl, that was just what she ought
not to have spoken about at such a stupid moment to a man so stupid as
I was. My heart positively ached with pity for her tactless and
unnecessary straightforwardness. But something hideous at once stifled
all compassion in me; it even provoked me to greater venom. I did not
care what happened. Another five minutes passed.
“Perhaps I am in your way,” she began timidly, hardly audibly, and was
getting up.
But as soon as I saw this first impulse of wounded dignity I positively
trembled with spite, and at once burst out.
“Why have you come to me, tell me that, please?” I began, gasping for
breath and regardless of logical connection in my words. I longed to
have it all out at once, at one burst; I did not even trouble how to
begin. “Why have you come? Answer, answer,” I cried, hardly knowing
what I was doing. “I’ll tell you, my good girl, why you have come.
You’ve come because I talked sentimental stuff to you then. So now you
are soft as butter and longing for fine sentiments again. So you may as
well know that I was laughing at you then. And I am laughing at you
now. Why are you shuddering? Yes, I was laughing at you! I had been
insulted just before, at dinner, by the fellows who came that evening
before me. I came to you, meaning to thrash one of them, an officer;
but I didn’t succeed, I didn’t find him; I had to avenge the insult on
someone to get back my own again; you turned up, I vented my spleen on
you and laughed at you. I had been humiliated, so I wanted to
humiliate; I had been treated like a rag, so I wanted to show my
power.... That’s what it was, and you imagined I had come there on
purpose to save you. Yes? You imagined that? You imagined that?”
I knew that she would perhaps be muddled and not take it all in
exactly, but I knew, too, that she would grasp the gist of it, very
well indeed. And so, indeed, she did. She turned white as a
handkerchief, tried to say something, and her lips worked painfully;
but she sank on a chair as though she had been felled by an axe. And
all the time afterwards she listened to me with her lips parted and her
eyes wide open, shuddering with awful terror. The cynicism, the
cynicism of my words overwhelmed her....
“Save you!” I went on, jumping up from my chair and running up and down
the room before her. “Save you from what? But perhaps I am worse than
you myself. Why didn’t you throw it in my teeth when I was giving you
that sermon: ‘But what did you come here yourself for? was it to read
us a sermon?’ Power, power was what I wanted then, sport was what I
wanted, I wanted to wring out your tears, your humiliation, your