One Wonderful Night: A Romance of New York
"I'll take one, with pleasure, though I don't smoke," said the little
man. Seeing the question on the faces of both visitors, he cackled, in
a queer, high-pitched voice:
"I refuse to poison my gastric juices with nicotine, but I like the
smell of tobacco. Poor old Steingall there has pretty fair eyesight,
but his nose wouldn't sniff brimstone in a volcano, all because he
insists on smoking."
"Gastric juice!" laughed Steingall. "You don't possess the article.
Skin, bones, and tongue are your chief constituents. I'm not surprised
you make an occasional hit as a detective, because the average crook
would never suspect a funny little gazook like you of being that
celebrated sleuth, Eugene Clancy."
Clancy's long, nervous fingers had cracked the wrapper of the cigar
given him by Curtis, and he was now passing it to and fro beneath his
nostrils.
"You will observe the difference, gentlemen, between beef and brains,"
he said, nodding derisively at the bulky Chief Inspector. "He rubbers
along because he looks like a prize-fighter, and can drive his fist
through a three-quarter inch pine plank. But we hunt well together,
being a unique combination of science and brute force. . . . By the
way, that reminds me. If I have got the story right, Count Ladislas
Vassilan only landed in New York to-night. Did he drive straight to a
boxing contest, or what?"
"Wait a second, Clancy," interrupted Steingall. "Is there anything
doing? How much time have we?"
"Exactly twenty minutes. At twelve-thirty I must be in East Broadway."
"Good. Now, Mr. Curtis, tell Clancy exactly what happened since you
put on poor Hunter's overcoat at the corner of Broadway and 27th
Street."
Curtis obeyed, though he fancied he had never encountered a more
unofficial official than Clancy. Shrewd judge of character as he was,
he could hardly be expected to guess, after such a momentary glimpse of
a man of extraordinary genius in unraveling crime, that Clancy was
never more discursive, never more prone to chaff and sneer at his
special friend, Steingall, than when hot on the trail of some
particularly acute and daring malefactor. The Chief of the Bureau, of
course, knew by these signs that his trusted _aide_ had obtained
information of a really startling nature, but neither Curtis nor Devar
was aware of Clancy's idiosyncrasies, and some few minutes elapsed
before they began to suspect that he had a good deal more up his sleeve
than they gave him credit for at first.
From the outset he took an original view of Curtis's marriage.
"The girl is young and good-looking, you say?" was his opening question.
"Not yet twenty-one, and remarkably attractive," said Curtis, though
hardly prepared for the detective's interest in this direction.
"Well educated and lady-like, I suppose?"
"Yes, as befits her position."
"Cut out her position, which doesn't amount to a row of beans where
intellect is concerned. . . . Well, a man never knows much about a
woman anyway, and what little he learns is acquired by a process of
rejection after marriage."
"May I ask what you mean?"
"Judging from your history and apparent age, Mr. Curtis, I take it you
have not had time to go fooling about after girls?"
"You are certainly right in that respect."
"Naturally, or you wouldn't be so ignorant concerning the dear
creatures. You are to be congratulated, 'pon my soul. You will have
the rare experience of constructing a divinity out of a wife, whereas
the average man begins by choosing a divinity and finds he has only
secured a wife."
Curtis laughed, but met the detective's penetrating gaze frankly.
"Your bitter philosophy may be sound, Mr. Clancy," he said, "but it is
built on a false premiss. My marriage is only a matter of form. It
may be legal--indeed, I believe it is--but there can be no dispute as
to the nature of the bond between Lady Hermione and myself. She
regards me as a husband in name only, and will dissolve the tie at her
own convenience."
"You'll place no obstacles in her way?"
"None."
"Quite sure?"
"Absolutely."
Clancy giggled, as though he were a comedian who had scored a point
with his audience.
"Then you're married for keeps," he announced, with the grin of a man
who has solved a humorous riddle. "By refusing to thwart the lady you
throw away your last slender chance of freedom, and you will find her
waiting at the gate of the State Penitentiary when you come out. By
Jove, you've been pretty rapid, though. No wonder people say the East
is waking up. Are there many more like you in China?"
Curtis was not altogether pleased by this banter, nor did he trouble to
conceal his opinion that the New York Detective Bureau was treating a
grave crime with scandalous levity.
"Whether Lady Hermione married me or Jean de Courtois is a rather
immaterial side issue," he said, somewhat emphatically. "From what
little I can grasp of a curiously involved affair, it seems to me that
there are weightier interests than ours at stake. And, if I may
venture to differ from you, a lot of things may happen before I see the
inside of a prison."
"After your meteoric career during the past few hours I am inclined to
agree with that last remark," and Clancy's tone became so serious that
Devar laughed outright. "Don't misunderstand me, Mr. Curtis. I am
lost in admiration of your nerve, but you have told me just what I
wanted to make sure of."
"I have expressed no opinions. I confined myself to actual facts."
"And isn't it a highly significant fact that you are over head and ears
in love with your wife? _Nom d'un pipe_! Doesn't that complicate the
thing worse than a Chinese puzzle?"
"I really don't see----" began Curtis, yielding to a feeling of
annoyance which was not altogether unwarrantable, but Clancy jerked out
his hands as though they were attached to arms moved by the strings of
a marionette.
"Of course, you don't!" he cried. "You're in love! You're gorged with
the amococcus microbe! It's the worst case I've ever heard of. I once
knew a man who met a girl for the first time at the Park Row end of
Brooklyn Bridge and proposed to her before they had crossed the East
River, but you've set up a record that will never be beaten. You find
a marriage license in the pockets of a murdered man, rush off in a taxi
to the address of the lady named therein, marry her, punch a frantic
rival on the nose, take the fair one to a hotel, flout her father, a
British peer, and hold a banquet at which the Chief of the New York
Detective Bureau is an honored guest; and then you have the hardihood
to tell me that your actions constitute an immaterial side issue in the
biggest sensation New York has produced this year. Young man, wait
till the interviewers get hold of you to-morrow! Wait till the sob
sisters begin gushing over your bride--a pretty one--with a title!
Name of good little gray man! They'll whoop your side issues into a
scare-head front page! Before you know where you are they'll have you
bleating about the color of her eyes, the exquisite curve of her
Cupid's Bow lips, and the way her hair shone when the electric light
fell on it, while she, on her part, will be confiding, with a
suspicious break in her voice, what a perfectly darling specimen of the
American man at his best you are. Mr. Curtis, you're married good and
hard, and if you want to cinch the job you ought to go to jail for a
while."
Unquestionably, the two civilians present thought that Clancy was
slightly mad, so Steingall intervened.
"Hop off your perch, Eugene," he said, "and tell us how you came to
drive Count Vassilan's taxi, and where you took him."
"It was a case of intelligent anticipation of forthcoming events," said
Clancy, whose excitability disappeared instantly, leaving him calm and
extremely lucid of speech. "When Evans (the police captain) gave me
the bearings of the affair--though, of course, being a creature of
handcuffs and bludgeons, he thought our friend Curtis was the real
scoundrel--I realized at once that Vassilan's indisposition was a bad
attack of blue funk. Such a man could no more remain quietly in his
room at the hotel than a fox terrier could pass a dog fight without
taking hold. As soon as I saw the Earl go out alone, and heard him
direct the taxi to the Central Hotel in 27th Street, I decided that my
best place was at the driving wheel of another taxi. I picked out a
man on the rank who was about my size, and might be mistaken for me in
a half-light, and got him to lend me his coat and cap. He took mine,
and a word to the door-porter fixed things so that I was whistled up
quite naturally when his countship appeared. He had changed his
clothes and linen, but one glance at his nose showed that I had marked
my bird, even if the porter hadn't given me the mystic sign at the
right moment. I received my orders, and off we went, a second cab
following, with the driver of my taxi as a fare. Evidently, the Count
was not well posted in New York distances, because he grew restive, and
wondered where I was taking him. He tried to be artful, too, and when
we reached East Broadway he pulled me up at the corner of Market
Street, told me to wait, and lodged a five-dollar bill as security,
saying I would have annozzaire when we got back to the hotel. Didn't
that make things easy? He plunged into the crowd--you know what a
bunch of Russians, Hungarians, and Polish Jews get together in East
Broadway about ten-thirty--so I rushed to the second cab, swapped coats
and hats again, gave the taxi-man the five-spot, and put him in charge
of his own cab. In less than a minute I overtook the Count, just as he
was crossing the street, and saw him enter a house, after saying
something to a second-hand clothes man who was bawling out his goods
from the open store on the ground floor. By the time I had bought two
silk handkerchiefs and a pair of boots, and was haggling like mad over
a collection of linen collars, size 16--a present for you,
Steingall--his nobility came downstairs, but not alone; there was a
girl with him. Luckily, she was no Hungarian, but Italian, and they
talked in broken English. 'They no come-a here-a now-a-time,
Excellenza,' she said, 'but you-a fin' dem at Morris Siegelman's
restaurant at 'alf-a-pass twelve.' He said something choice--in pure
Magyar, I guess--and headed for the taxi. That is all, or practically
all. I tried to go back on my bargains with the Israelite in the
store, but he made such a row that I paid him, and when I reached the
second cab the driver told me that my man nodded as he passed, showing
that Vassilan was returning to the hotel. So I came here, and 'phoned
you."
Steingall glanced at a clock on the mantel-piece. He rose, threw open
a door, and switched on a light.
"Mr. Curtis," he said, "we must risk something, but I think I can make
you up sufficiently to escape recognition, not so much by the Count as
by others who may attend that supper party. You come, too, Mr. Devar.
There is safety in numbers."
With a deftness that was worthy of a theatrical costumier, the
detectives converted themselves and the two young men into ship's
firemen. No more effective or simpler disguise could have been devised
on the spur of the moment, nor one that might be assumed more readily.
Boots offered the main difficulty, but Clancy's purchase fitted Devar,
and Curtis made the best of a pair of canvas shoes, while a mixture of
grease and coffee extract applied to face and hands changed four
respectable looking persons into a gang which would certainly attract
the attention of the police anywhere outside the bounds of just such a
locality as they were bound for.
In case the exigencies of the chase separated them, Steingall gave some