Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded
but, finding the contrary, they were a little easier to hear she was
alive and honest: and having inquired of all their acquaintance what
could be done, and no one being able to put them in a way how to
proceed, with effect, on so extraordinary an occasion, against so rich
and so resolute a gentleman; and being afraid to make matters worse,
(though they saw plainly enough, that she was in no bishop’s family,
and so mistrusted all the rest of his story,) they applied themselves
to prayers for their poor daughter, and for an happy issue to an affair
that almost distracted them.
We shall now leave the honest old pair praying for their dear Pamela,
and return to the account she herself gives of all this; having written
it journal-wise, to amuse and employ her time, in hopes some
opportunity might offer to send it to her friends; and, as was her
constant view, that she might afterwards thankfully look back upon the
dangers she had escaped, when they should be happily overblown, as in
time she hoped they would be; and that then she might examine, and
either approve or repent of her own conduct in them.
LETTER XXXII
O MY DEAREST FATHER AND MOTHER!
Let me write, and bewail my miserable hard fate, though I have no hope
how what I write can be conveyed to your hands!—I have now nothing to
do, but write and weep, and fear and pray! But yet what can I hope for,
when I seem to be devoted, as a victim to the will of a wicked violator
of all the laws of God and man!—But, gracious Heaven, forgive me my
rashness and despondency! O let me not sin against thee; for thou best
knowest what is fittest for thy poor handmaid!—And as thou sufferest
not thy poor creatures to be tempted above what they can bear, I will
resign myself to thy good pleasure: And still, I hope, desperate as my
condition seems, that as these trials are not of my own seeking, nor
the effects of my presumption and vanity, I shall be enabled to
overcome them, and, in God’s own good time, be delivered from them.
Thus do I pray imperfectly, as I am forced by my distracting fears and
apprehensions; and O join with me, my dear parents!—But, alas! how can
you know, how can I reveal to you, the dreadful situation of your poor
daughter! The unhappy Pamela may be undone (which God forbid, and
sooner deprive me of life!) before you can know her hard lot!
O the unparalleled wickedness, stratagems, and devices, of those who
call themselves gentlemen, yet pervert the design of Providence, in
giving them ample means to do good, to their own everlasting perdition,
and the ruin of poor oppressed innocence!
But now I will tell you what has befallen me; and yet, how shall you
receive it? Here is no honest John to carry my letters to you! And,
besides, I am watched in all my steps; and no doubt shall be, till my
hard fate may ripen his wicked projects for my ruin. I will every day,
however, write my sad state; and some way, perhaps, may be opened to
send the melancholy scribble to you. But, alas! when you know it, what
will it do but aggravate your troubles? For, O! what can the abject
poor do against the mighty rich, when they are determined to oppress?
Well, but I must proceed to write what I had hoped to tell you in a few
hours, when I believed I should receive your grateful blessings, on my
return to you from so many hardships.
I will begin with my account from the last letter I wrote you, in which
I enclosed my poor stuff of verses; and continue it at times, as I have
opportunity; though, as I said, I know not how it can reach you.
The long-hoped for Thursday morning came, when I was to set out. I had
taken my leave of my fellow-servants overnight; and a mournful leave it
was to us all: for men, as well as women servants, wept much to part
with me; and, for my part, I was overwhelmed with tears, and the
affecting instances of their esteem. They all would have made me little
presents, as tokens of their love; but I would not take any thing from
the lower servants, to be sure. But Mr. Longman would have me accept of
several yards of Holland, and a silver snuff-box, and a gold ring,
which he desired me to keep for his sake; and he wept over me; but
said, I am sure so good a maiden God will bless; and though you return
to your poor father again, and his low estate, yet Providence will find
you out: Remember I tell you so; and one day, though I mayn’t live to
see it, you will be rewarded.
I said, O, dear Mr. Longman! you make me too rich, and too mody; and
yet I must be a beggar before my time for I shall want often to be
scribbling, (little thinking it would be my only employment so soon,)
and I will beg you, sir, to favour me with some paper; and, as soon as
I get home, I will write you a letter, to thank you for all your
kindness to me; and a letter to good Mrs. Jervis too.
This was lucky; for I should have had none else, but at the pleasure of
my rough-natured governess, as I may call her; but now I can write to
ease my mind, though I can’t send it to you; and write what I please,
for she knows not how well I am provided: for good Mr. Longman gave me
above forty sheets of paper, and a dozen pens, and a little phial of
ink; which last I wrapped in paper, and put in my pocket; and some wax
and wafers.
O dear sir, said I, you have set me up. How shall I requite you? He
said, By a kiss, my fair mistress: And I gave it very willingly; for he
is a good old man.
Rachel and Hannah cried sadly, when I took my leave; and Jane, who
sometimes used to be a little crossish, and Cicely too, wept sadly, and
said, they would pray for me; but poor Jane, I doubt, will forget that;
for she seldom says her prayers for herself: More’s the pity!
Then Arthur the gardener, our Robin the coachman, and Lincolnshire
Robin too, who was to carry me, were very civil; and both had tears in
their eyes; which I thought then very good-natured in Lincolnshire
Robin, because he knew but little of me.—But since, I find he might
well be concerned; for he had then his instructions, it seems, and knew
how he was to be a means to entrap me.
Then our other three footmen, Harry, Isaac, and Benjamin, and grooms,
and helpers, were very much affected likewise; and the poor little
scullion-boy, Tommy, was ready to run over for grief.
They had got all together over-night, expecting to be differently
employed in the morning; and they all begged to shake hands with me,
and I kissed the maidens, and prayed to God to bless them all; and
thanked them for all their love and kindness to me: and, indeed, I was
forced to leave them sooner than I would, because I could not stand it:
Indeed I could not. Harry (I could not have thought it; for he is a
little wildish, they say) cried till he sobbed again. John, poor honest
John, was not then come back from you. But as for the butler, Mr.
Jonathan, he could not stay in company.
I thought to have told you a deal about this; but I have worse things
to employ my thoughts.
Mrs. Jervis, good Mrs. Jervis, cried all night long; and I comforted
her all I could: And she made me promise, that if my master went to
London to attend parliament, or to Lincolnshire, I would come and stay
a week with her: and she would have given me money; but I would not
take it.
Well, next morning came, and I wondered I saw nothing of poor honest
John; for I waited to take leave of him, and thank him for all his
civilities to me and to you. But I suppose he was sent farther by my
master, and so could not return; and I desired to be remembered to him.
And when Mrs. Jervis told me, with a sad heart, the chariot was ready
with four horses to it, I was just upon sinking into the ground, though
I wanted to be with you.
My master was above stairs, and never asked to see me. I was glad of it
in the main; but he knew, false heart as he is, that I was not to be
out of his reach.—O preserve me, Heaven, from his power, and from his
wickedness!
Well, they were not suffered to go with me one step, as I writ to you
before; for he stood at the window to see me go. And in the passage to
the gate, out of his sight, there they stood all of them, in two rows;
and we could say nothing on both sides, but God bless you! and God
bless you! But Harry carried my own bundle, my third bundle, as I was
used to call it, to the coach, with some plumb-cake, and diet-bread,
made for me over-night, and some sweet-meats, and six bottles of Canary
wine, which Mrs. Jervis would make me take in a basket, to cheer our
hearts now and then, when we got together, as she said. And I kissed
all the maids again, and shook hands with the men again: but Mr.
Jonathan and Mr. Longman were not there; and then I tripped down the
steps to the chariot, Mrs. Jervis crying most sadly.
I looked up when I got to the chariot, and I saw my master at the
window, in his gown; and I courtesied three times to him very low, and
prayed for him with my hands lifted up; for I could not speak; indeed I
was not able: And he bowed his head to me, which made me then very glad
he would take such notice of me; and in I stepped, and was ready to
burst with grief; and could only, till Robin began to drive, wave my
white handkerchief to them, wet with my tears: and, at last, away he
drove, Jehu-like, as they say, out of the court-yard. And I too soon
found I had cause for greater and deeper grief.
Well, said I to myself, at this rate I shall soon be with my dear
father and mother; and till I had got, as I supposed, half-way, I
thought of the good friends I had left: And when, on stopping for a
little bait to the horses, Robin told me I was near half-way, I thought
it was high time to wipe my eyes, and think to whom I was going; as
then, alack for me! I thought. So I began to ponder what a meeting I
should have with you; how glad you’d both be to see me come safe and
innocent to you, after all my dangers: and so I began to comfort
myself, and to banish the other gloomy side from my mind; though, too,
it returned now and then; for I should be ungrateful not to love them
for their love.
Well, I believe I set out about eight o’clock in the morning; and I
wondered and wondered, when it was about two, as I saw by a church
dial, in a little village as we passed through, that I was still more
and more out of my knowledge. Hey-day, thought I, to drive this strange
pace, and to be so long a going a little more than twenty miles, is
very odd! But to be sure, thought I, Robin knows the way.
At last he stopped, and looked about him, as if he was at a loss for
the road; and I said, Mr. Robert, sure you are out of the way!—I’m
afraid I am, said he. But it can’t be much; I’ll ask the first person I
see. Pray do, said I; and he gave his horses a mouthful of bay: and I
gave him some cake, and two glasses of Canary wine; and stopt about
half an hour in all. Then he drove on very fast again.
I had so much to think of, of the dangers I now doubted not I had
escaped, of the loving friends I had left, and my best friends I was
going to; and the many things I had to relate to you; that I the less
thought of the way, till I was startled out of my meditations by the
sun beginning to set, and still the man driving on, and his horses
sweating and foaming; and then I began to be alarmed all at once, and
called to him; and he said he had horrid ill luck, for he had come
several miles out of the way, but was now right, and should get in
still before it was quite dark. My heart began then to misgive me a
little, and I was very much fatigued; for I had no sleep for several
nights before, to signify; and at last I said, Pray Mr. Robert, there
is a town before us, what do you call it?—If we are so much out of the
way, we had better put up there, for the night comes on apace: And,
Lord protect me! thought I, I shall have new dangers, mayhap, to