Paul Clifford — Complete
to be known at Bath. He took also a house for a year; filled it with
wines, books, and a sideboard of plate. As he talked vaguely of setting
up his younger brother to stand for the town at the next parliament,
he bought these goods of the townspeople, in order to encourage their
trade. I managed secretly to transport them to London and sell them; and
as we disposed of them fifty per cent under cost price, our customers,
the pawnbrokers, were not very inquisitive. We lived a jolly life
at Bath for a couple of months, and departed one night, leaving our
housekeeper to answer all interrogatories. We had taken the precaution
to wear disguises, stuffed ourselves out, and changed the hues of our
hair. My noble friend was an adept in these transformations; and though
the police did not sleep on the business, they never stumbled on us. I
am especially glad we were not discovered, for I liked Bath excessively;
and I intend to return there some of these days, and retire from the
world--on an heiress!
“Well, Paul, shortly after this adventure I made your acquaintance. I
continued ostensibly my literary profession, but only as a mask for the
labours I did not profess. A circumstance obliged me to leave London
rather precipitately. Lord Dunshunner joined me in Edinburgh. D---it,
instead of doing anything there, we were done! The veriest urchin that
ever crept through the High Street is more than a match for the most
scientific of Englishmen. With us it is art; with the Scotch it is
nature. They pick your pockets without using their fingers for it; and
they prevent reprisal by having nothing for you to pick.
“We left Edinburgh with very long faces, and at Carlisle we found it
necessary to separate. For my part, I went as a valet to a nobleman who
had just lost his last servant at Carlisle by a fever; my friend gave
me the best of characters! My new master was a very clever man. He
astonished people at dinner by the impromptus he prepared at breakfast;
in a word, he was a wit. He soon saw, for he was learned himself, that
I had received a classical education, and he employed me in the
confidential capacity of finding quotations for him. I classed these
alphabetically and under three heads,--'Parliamentary, Literary,
Dining-out.' These were again subdivided into 'Fine,' 'Learned,' and
'Jocular;' so that my master knew at once where to refer for genius,
wisdom, and wit. He was delighted with my management of his intellects.
In compliment to him, I paid more attention to politics than I had
done before; for he was a 'great Whig,' and uncommonly liberal
in everything--but money! Hence, Paul, the origin of my political
principles; and I thank Heaven there is not now a rogue in England who
is a better--that is to say, more of a moderate-Whig than your humble
servant! I continued with him nearly a year. He discharged me for a
fault worthy of my genius: other servants may lose the watch or the
coat of their master; I went at nobler game, and lost him--his private
character!”
“How do you mean?”
“Why, I was enamoured of a lady who would not have looked at me as Mr.
Tomlinson; so I took my master's clothes and occasionally his carriage,
and made love to my nymph as Lord. Her vanity made her indiscreet. The
Tory papers got hold of it; and my master, in a change of ministers,
was declared by George the Third to be 'too gay for a Chancellor of the
Exchequer.' An old gentleman who had had fifteen children by a wife like
a Gorgon, was chosen instead of my master; and although the new minister
was a fool in his public capacity, the moral public were perfectly
content with him, because of his private virtues!
“My master was furious, made the strictest inquiry, found me out, and
turned me out too!
“A Whig not in place has an excuse for disliking the Constitution. My
distress almost made me a republican; but, true to my creed, I
must confess that I would only have levelled upwards. I especially
disaffected the inequality of riches; I looked moodily on every carriage
that passed; I even frowned like a second Catiline at the steam of a
gentle man's kitchen! My last situation had not been lucrative; I had
neglected my perquisites, in my ardour for politics. My master, too,
refused to give me a character: who would take me without one?
“I was asking myself this melancholy question one morning, when I
suddenly encountered one of the fine friends I had picked up at my old
haunt, the ordinary, in St. James's. His name was Pepper.”
“Pepper!” cried Paul.
Without heeding the exclamation, Tomlinson continued:--“We went to a
tavern and drank a bottle together. Wine made me communicative; it also
opened my comrade's heart. He asked me to take a ride with him that
night towards Hounslow. I did so, and found a purse.”
“How fortunate! Where?”
“In a gentleman's pocket. I was so pleased with my luck that I went
the same road twice a week, in order to see if I could pick up any more
purses. Fate favoured me, and I lived for a long time the life of the
blessed. Oh, Paul, you know not--you know not what a glorious life is
that of a highwayman; but you shall taste it one of these days,--you
shall, on my honour.
“I now lived with a club of honest fellows. We called ourselves 'The
Exclusives,'--for we were mighty reserved in our associates, and only
those who did business on a grand scale were admitted into our set. For
my part, with all my love for my profession, I liked ingenuity still
better than force, and preferred what the vulgar call swindling, even to
the highroad. On an expedition of this sort, I rode once into a country
town, and saw a crowd assembled in one corner; I joined it, and my
feelings!--beheld my poor friend Viscount Dunshunner just about to be
hanged! I rode off as fast as I could,--I thought I saw Jack Ketch at my
heels. My horse threw me at a hedge, and I broke my collar-bone. In the
confinement that ensued gloomy ideas floated before me. I did not like
to be hanged; so I reasoned against my errors, and repented. I recovered
slowly, returned to town, and repaired to my cousin the bookseller. To
say truth, I had played him a little trick: collected some debts of his
by a mistake,--very natural in the confusion incident on my distresses.
However, he was extremely unkind about it; and the mistake, natural as
it was, had cost me his acquaintance.
“I went now to him with the penitential aspect of the prodigal son; and,
faith, he would have not made a bad representation of the fatted
calf about to be killed on my return,--so corpulent looked he, and so
dejected! 'Graceless reprobate!' he began, 'your poor father is dead!'
I was exceedingly shocked; but--never fear, Paul, I am not about to be
pathetic. My father had divided his fortune among all his children; my
share was L500. The possession of this soon made my penitence seem much
more sincere in the eyes of my good cousin; and after a very pathetic
scene, he took me once more into favour. I now consulted with him as to
the best method of laying out my capital and recovering my character. We
could not devise any scheme at the first conference; but the second
time I saw him, my cousin said with a cheerful countenance: 'Cheer up,
Augustus, I have got thee a situation. Mr. Asgrave the banker will take
thee as a clerk. He is a most worthy man; and having a vast deal of
learning, he will respect thee for thy acquirements.' The same day I
was introduced to Mr. Asgrave, who was a little man with a fine, bald,
benevolent head; and after a long conversation which he was pleased to
hold with me, I became one of his quill-drivers. I don't know how it
was, but by little and little I rose in my master's good graces. I
propitiated him, I fancy, by disposing of my L500 according to his
advice; he laid it out for me, on what he said was famous security, on a
landed estate. Mr. Asgrave was of social habits,--he had a capital house
and excellent wines. As he was not very particular in his company, nor
ambitious of visiting the great, he often suffered me to make one of
his table, and was pleased to hold long arguments with me about the
ancients. I soon found out that my master was a great moral philosopher;
and being myself in weak health, sated with the ordinary pursuits of the
world, in which my experience had forestalled my years, and naturally of
a contemplative temperament, I turned my attention to the moral studies
which so fascinated my employer. I read through nine shelves full of
metaphysicians, and knew exactly the points in which those illustrious
thinkers quarrelled with each other, to the great advance of the
science. My master and I used to hold many a long discussion about the
nature of good and evil; as, by help of his benevolent forehead and a
clear dogged voice, he always seemed to our audience to be the wiser and
better man of the two, he was very well pleased with our disputes. This
gentleman had an only daughter,--an awful shrew, with a face like a
hatchet but philosophers overcome personal defects; and thinking only
of the good her wealth might enable me to do to my fellow-creatures, I
secretly made love to her. You will say that was playing my master but
a scurvy trick for his kindness. Not at all; my master himself had
convinced me that there was no such virtue as gratitude. It was an error
of vulgar moralists. I yielded to his arguments, and at length privately
espoused his daughter. The day after this took place, he summoned me to
his study. 'So, Augustus,' said he, very mildly, 'you have married my
daughter: nay, never look confused; I saw a long time ago that you were
resolved to do so, and I was very glad of it.'
“I attempted to falter out something like thanks. 'Never interrupt me!'
said he. 'I had two reasons for being glad,--first, because my daughter
was the plague of my life, and I wanted some one to take her off my
hands; secondly, because I required your assistance on a particular
point, and I could not venture to ask it of any one but my son-in-law.
In fine, I wish to take you into partnership!'
“'Partnership!' cried I, falling on my knees. 'Noble, generous man!'
“'Stay a bit,' continued my father-in-law. 'What funds do you think
requisite for carrying on a bank? You look puzzled! Not a shilling! You
will put in just as much as I do. You will put in rather more; for
you once put in L500, which has been spent long ago. I don't put in a
shilling of my own. I live on my clients, and I very willingly offer you
half of them!'
“Imagine, dear Paul, my astonishment, my dismay! I saw myself married to
a hideous shrew,--son-in-law to a penniless scoundrel, and cheated out
of my whole fortune! Compare this view of the question with that which
had blazed on me when I contemplated being son-in-law to the rich
Mr. Asgrave. I stormed at first. Mr. Asgrave took up Bacon 'On the
Advancement of Learning,' and made no reply till I was cooled by
explosion. You will perceive that when passion subsided, I necessarily
saw that nothing was left for me but adopting my father-in-law's
proposal. Thus, by the fatality which attended me at the very time I
meant to reform, I was forced into scoundrelism, and I was driven into
defrauding a vast number of persons by the accident of being son-in-law
to a great moralist. As Mr. Asgrave was an indolent man, who passed his
mornings in speculations on virtue, I was made the active partner.
I spent the day at the counting-house; and when I came home for
recreation, my wife scratched my eyes out.”
“But were you never recognized as 'the stranger' or 'the adventurer' in
your new capacity?”
“No; for of course I assumed, in all my changes, both aliases and
disguises. And, to tell you the truth, my marriage so altered me that,
what with a snuff-coloured coat and a brown scratch wig, with a pen in